The Untouchabohs

Touchdown Catches Cathartic as 'Bohs Win In Cataclysmic Pasting

2011-03-29T18:24:00.004-04:00

Dropped Passes Turned to Touchdowns through Alchemic Conversion

Disassociated Press (27 March 2011) – Not one person mentioned the dropped passes from a week prior. It would have been as if one muttered something so unspeakable that a lightning bolt would immediately strike if that word had passed through someone’s lips. Everyone knew what had happened the week before, and it fueled an engine that burned hot with the hatred of ‘what could have been.’ It was only fitting that this weeks opponent wore black – the color of mourning – as they were about to mourn their very birth. The Untouchabohs (Team #147, Red, 1-0-1) resoundingly spanked The Kings and Queens (Team #153, Black, 1-1-0) so thoroughly that misbehaving children around the world paid homage by spending one hour behaving.

A brisk day brought high winds that would require mettle, awareness, and strong throws from the eventual victors in a clash of the BSSC’s Less Filling League (LFL) teams that had not one loss between them. The ‘Bohs knew they faced an unbeaten team for the second week in a row and knew that they had mettle, awareness, and a strong-armed quarterback who hates goals but loves touchdowns. The awareness of the wind conditions strongly favored the ‘Bohs, who utilize an appropriately-sized football on offense and, on defense, cover short into the wind and long with the wind. The Kings and Queens (henceforth known as KQs) were throwing what All-BSSC safety Darian ‘Ed Reed Learns From Me’ Asghari labels a ‘Hot-Dog’ (oversized football for the level of competition) in the form of a full-size NFL football. The first half would bear out how the details affect the outcome of a game of such magnitude.

With the ‘Bohs winning the ball and the wind to start the game, the ODB offense moved the ball a touch more aggressively than in games past. Facing a zone so soft that melting butter appeared impenetrable, Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert caught a 20-yard out in front of the midline cone with scant a defender around. Aided by the last minute audible that took Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne deep down the seam, and therefore occupying the safety on the weak side of the field, Gilbert was left free to work his magic. Facing second-and-one from near the mid-line, an errant pass by the QB Hughes brought up third-and-one forced gender. After another horrible pass to start the game, and now facing the DREADED fourth down (which is not allowed in the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs) Hughes took advantage of a strange shift in the defense to a man-ish D, called for the flood left, waited for the defender on the line to leave with the center, and knew that the first down would be in favor of the ‘Bohs. Sprinting to his right, a relative term for the 235-pound QB, Hughes picked up the first down and decent yardage without having to risk a ball hitting the ground. A key grab by Amber ‘I cut so hard your ankles break’ Free on the second forced-gender of the drive set up the ‘Bohs in the heart of the red zone. Only a few plays later, the ‘Bohs converted a game-opening touchdown to take the lead, 6-0.

Defense wins championships, especially in the LFL where teams are expected to score on every possession. Calamity was about to strike the KQs, like a super-heated lahar (volcanically-heated mudflow) attacking Seattle, when their opening drive of the game culminated in a failed fourth-down conversion. Knowing that a two-score lead is almost insurmountable the ODB offense was frothing at the mouth in anticipation of exorcising the drop-demons that haunted their dreams all week. Using the dark magic that Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert routinely uses to coax the opponent to fail the opening coin toss, the ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, used the black magic to convert dropped passes into touchdowns akin to alchemists attempting to turn other alloys into gold. Short drive, touchdown to Layne on ‘the play,’ 12-0 lead. Though the Untouchabohs failed their second conversion of the game, confidence was beginning to build like tectonic stresses between two colliding plates.

The subsequent KQs’ drive had something of a rhythm for the first time all game. This team, unlike last week’s, had a red-haired kid who made an amazing on-his-back-falling-to-the-ground-snag-of-the-ball-over-his-head snare AND a blonde ponytailed terror who looked to be this week’s version of LBH (See 3/20/2011) and were therefore not a one-trick-pony. After a few conversions, a run, and crossing the midline, catastrophe was about to strike – and it was all the KQs’ QB’s fault. It needs be stated that ‘Throwing a hot dog in the rain’ is an immutable law… and it also applies to high winds. A larger ball has increased surface area that is disproportionate to mass, and therefore the wind affects a larger ball greater than a smaller ball, when thrown imperfectly. Additionally, the ‘Bohs put Lexi ‘Lexicon of Defense’ K. on the ‘Ponytail’ on a third-and-goal forced gender. It was stated earlier that mettle, awareness, and a strong-armed QB will determine the victor. Awareness, or a lack of awareness, was about to strike in the form of a bad pass. The KQs’ QB, seeing the Ponytail run to the left side of the end zone, put too much touch on a pass that was into a quartering wind, resulting in a ball that was going to fall short of its intended target. True as physics, the ball was short, and Lexi, fighting for position against the oversized Ponytail, turned at the last second and snared the ball from the air like an eagle snares fish from water. Turnover on the one-inch line, ODB back on the field.

Immediately violating the tenets of the ODB, the ‘Bohs’ QB called for Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert to drive deep for a full-field touchdown despite knowing that completions are necessary to gain room and prevent a possible safety. Despite throwing the best football of his life, Hughes watched the deep spiral fall incomplete and subsequently received an appropriate, if not G-rated, earful from Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren who serves as the Sherriff of the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs. The deep-ball-demon being exorcised, the ‘Bohs ran the ODB to perfection and had a third-and-midline with about 10 yards to gain. After completing the pass, the QB Hughes saw Keith ‘I told you NOT to call me Klevin’ Levin 20 yards past the deepest KQs player. Despite the goal of working the clock, passing up an opportunity for an easy TD is too much to ignore, and a deep play was dialed-up. Two run-fakes by Hughes drew all of the defenders toward the line – effectively play-action passing without anyone else in the backfield – and Levin was again so open that it appeared he left the line of scrimmage donning a cloak-of-invisibility. Thirty yards later, a touch pass, rare in ‘Bohs lore prior to this season, found its way into the waiting arms of the now-visible receiver who sprinted the final yardage into the endzone. Touchdown, 18-0, Untouchabohs. An absolutely beautiful dive by Kendall ‘I told you that’s MY ball’ Crawford completed the first 2-point-conversion of the day to extend the lead to 20-0.

This timeout from your reading is brought to you by the perfect example of the ODB offense and why it is run as it is run. Since the ‘Bohs scored quickly, there was about four minutes to go in the first half. If the ODB had been run to maximize time running off of the clock, the ‘Bohs would have scored with approximately one-minute remaining… and there would have been little chance of the KQs scoring. Additionally, the KQs will start the second half with the ball. So, despite gaining a 20-0 lead, giving the opponent a plethora of time to score at the end of the half is a big no-no because the 20-0 lead could be cut to 20-8, then, if they scored to start the second half, the lead could be cut further to 20-16. If the ODB is run perfectly, then the opponent has virtually no time to score at the end of the half, and running the offense prevents the other team from scoring, and is THEREFORE a form of defense! Hence, the ODB offense! That said, the ‘Bohs were now going to need to play stout defense to prevent a momentum-shifting score, though they would be aided by the wind yet again.

Driving down the field and making it happen quickly, the strong-armed QB of the black-clad opponent was finding crossing routes open – mainly due to the hand-checking, picks, and naughty play of the other receivers who were generally covered like asphalt covers roads. They appeared to know that they were overmatched, but more on that to follow. Driving down the field, and using both of their timeouts efficiently, the KQs found themselves with a second-and-goal from about 20 yards out. Again, awareness was not on the side of the opponent as they again failed to recognize the effect of the wind on a pass to the left corner of the end zone. Despite a ‘Bohs’ defender slipping, and therefore allowing a KQ receiver to become open on the left side of the end zone, a timely blitz by Levin forced the QB to rush his throw. Again, failing to learn from his mistakes, the ball dipped as it was thrown into a quartering wind, and was too low to be seized despite the diving effort by the KQs receiver.

Since the clock does not stop during the first half for ANY reason (incompletes, out-of-bounds), the clock expired and the 20-0 lead in favor of the Untouchabohs remained intact.

Halftime is a wonderful time for introspection, delight, rehydration, and getting yelled at by the official. For reasons only known by Mike, the semi-pro baseball-playing BSSC referee, Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert was called out. Nobody knows the exact reason, and it will never be muttered or expounded upon, but sources state it had something to do with the dirty play of the team who knew that they were hanging on by a thread. If only they knew. The ‘Bohs know how to close.

The Kings and Queens opened the second half with an impressive drive in a game where you should score every possession. Taking the ball down and scoring for the first time all day, the score was now 20-6 with the conversion attempt. With the defense swarming like bees swarming that insidious Honey Badger of Youtube lore, the pass fell incomplete and the ‘Bohs defense prevented their fourth-consecutive conversion attempt of the season.

Feeling confidence originating from their first score of the game, the call was made on the sideline that, since they felt they can simply match-up man-to-man with the Untouchabohs, that they would get the ball back and make a game of it. Sorry Colonel Sanders, you’re wrong, Mama’s right, and that logic proves that there’s something wrong with your medulla oblongata. The Kings and Queens’ castle was about to be besieged by a torrent of prideful yet humble, athletic, highly intelligent, frustrated, and ever-confident Untouchabohs. The castle walls were about to crumble…

The remainder of the game was a whirlwind of big plays and execution. The ball never touched the ground during the ensuing drive by the ‘Bohs, which culminated in a touchdown and extended the lead to 26-6. Of note, the opponent watched the QB Hughes say something to Michael ‘Hey New Guy, Off the Field!’ Ventura… and the KQs followed this age-old BSSC ploy like a rabbit after a carrot. As Ventura, a welcome and last-minute addition to the team entered the end zone, more than HALF of the defenders followed him to the right side of the end zone. Sad for them, since Will ‘Ed Reed the Engineer’ Gray found a cavernous hole in the center of the field for the rifle completion to seal the conversion. 28-6, Untouchabohs.

The ensuing KQs possession started fine, but ended, well, terribly. The ‘Bohs knew that they would be pushing the ball deep, and it was only a matter of time before the QB, again, throwing a hot-dog in the wind, would err again. With a pass intended for an unnamed, overmatched, AND covered receiver, Wes ‘Webb’ Gilbert baited the QB and in a spectacular plant-pivot-leap snatched the ball from the air like a snake snatches eggs from a nest and broke the KQs’ QB’s heart. Turnover, 99% of the field to go again.

With the spirit of the opponent broken, the ‘Bohs scored again and, calling off the dogs, moved to one-point conversion tries from here on out. After scoring on another touchdown to take a 34-6 lead, the failed conversion to Megan ‘My last name is only somewhat phonetic’ Tschoepe – the second terrible pass to her in a row – kept the score an even number which made bookies in Vegas concerned that the ‘Bohs wouldn’t cover the 29-point spread. Fear-not illegal takers of bets!

With their souls broken like fallen angels from the sky in those terrible Axe commercials, the Princesses (demoted from the ranks of Kings and/or Queens) were unable to muster a scoring drive and turned the ball over on downs. Sadness overtook the now-mourning team as humorous quips were non-existent on the sidelines. As the clutches of the Untouchabohs gripped ever-tighter on the throats of the Princesses, like a boa constrictor squeezing the life forces from a hapless victim and future meal, the clock was worked slowly and deliberately by the ODB. Mercy struck in the form of a touchdown to Keith ‘Not Klevin’ Levin on the highly successful hitch route and extended the football equivalent of a massacre to 40-6 and, for the time being anyway, covered the spread in Las Vegas. A REALLY deep one-point conversion on the exact same route to Levin pushed the lead by the ‘Bohs to 41-6. But wait, there’s more!

The safety position had been in a state of flux all game as the incumbent All-BSSC safety, Darian ‘The guy in the red shorts is good’ Asghari, who, ironically, wears some very nicely fitting black shorts with white speed stripes, did not make the game. In general, play was satisfactory, and only one ‘big’ play was yielded to the opponent. It should also be stated that on Wes ‘Webb’ Gilbert’s interception, Levin had the receiver covered deep, so the QB heaving the hot-dog ultimately threw into double coverage. Bad move on his part. This drive, Kendall ‘That’s MY Ball’ Crawford got the opportunity to play free safety and continued his stellar play. The KQs’ QB, his confidence shattered like a glass table in a Steven Segal movie, continued trying to drive for a confidence-boosting score during garbage time only to have his remaining manhood stripped like floor-stripper on linoleum. Taking a few steps back and surveying the field, the black-clad QB threw a wind-aided rocket to a receiver running a crossing route. Closing in on the ball like a red rocket of epic proportions, the latest iteration of ‘Bohs safety-of-the-minute Crawford snatched the ball from the clutches of the evil KQs’ receiver, like an alligator snatches puppies, for the ‘Bohs third pick of the game. Oh Ye Gods! Crawford returned the ball near the opponent’s 20 yard line and the new-look ODB took over. But wait, there’s more!

The final drive of the game culminated with Gilbert taking over for Hughes at QB who, in turn, played receiver and actually logged a rare reception. The drive culminated in a touchdown and conversion (one point of course) to finish the annihilation and culminate the scoring at 48-6. Those who bore witness to this even know that ‘Bohs team with a chip on their shoulder is a team more dangerous and powerful than your wildest imagination. Brimming with the confidence built from the come-from-behind tie in game 1, while also fueled by the hatred for ‘what could have been,’ is a concoction that produces a talented team fueled by passion. No matter the score, no matter the opponent, the Untouchabohs are never out of a game. When they arrive, all others shall take heed…

Next up for the Untouchabohs is their third straight undefeated team in as many weeks as they take on The Bomber Brigade (Team #144, Orange, 2-0) at Patterson Park Field #1 at 4:00. This is a team who played in the advanced BSSC Tastes Great League (TGL) last season and had five wins, so a test may be just a few short days away for your vainglorious ‘Bohs.

Potpourri:

The defense has yet to record a sack this season after six by the male Asghari last fall;
The previous season sack record for the ‘Bohs was two;
Conversions for the ‘Bohs are moving at a 70% clip this season versus 0% for opponents;
In their last 5 games the ‘Bohs are averaging 75% conversions versus 20% in the 13 games prior;
‘Bohs’ QBs have tossed 10 touchdowns and 1 lone interception versus 4:3 for opponents; and
The Untouchabohs’ 2011 Spring Defense desperately needs a nickname… perhaps ‘Bleed’ will suffice (for those that remember Lambert’s mid-game cheer…).

Miracle Tie a Virtual Win for Battle-Tested 'Bohs

2011-03-24T18:19:00.000-04:00

Time Expiring Touchdown Leads to Tie

Aqua Iggy News (20 March 2011) – New grass was scant as the vainglorious Untouchabohs (Team #147, Red, 0-0-1) rallied with a magical, strategic, and clutch comeback to tie the ugly-clad Hook and Lager (Team #180, Chestnut, 0-0-1) at 24 this past Sunday at Patterson Park Field #1.

Delayed by an entire week due to the monsoonal rains that turned the field into a quagmire’s quagmire on the fields so perfectly manicured by Mike Cray, Supreme Overlord of the BSSC, each team was chomping at the bit to get the season started. The previous night’s super-moon obviously threw Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert’s mojo for a loop as the ‘Bohs failed to get the ball to start or the desired direction of play. Such cosmic turnings can affect the Warlock’s magical powers as gameday also marked the Vernal Equinox. The ‘Bohs, a veteran team restocked with a touch of youth for this season’s playoff run, care not of the conditions as the focus turned to dominating a team that looked like a naughty stain on the bottom of one’s shoe.

Hook and Lager, clever but not impressive by name, started with the ball heading south-to-north on Field 1. The game’s first plays yielded a clue as to the future of this game as the mud-colored miscreants failed to complete a pass on their first two plays. Facing third-and-two, forced gender, their entire offense took shape as they completed a pass to the one good player on the team – a speedy little brunette female who seemed unable to be covered. Facing a 4th-down, the light-footed and well coiffed quarterback of Hook and Lager failed to complete a pass against the suffocating defense of the ‘Bohs, which closed down on the receivers like a vice on a balloon. Turnover, ‘Bohs’ ball… time to rock and roll.

If any rust was going to be present during the game, it was not evident on the first drive. Milking the clock like a farmer milks a prized cow, the OD,B offense (Offense is Defense, Bitch, premised on giving the man-to-man defense time to rest) worked through several completions to reset the downs and prepare to break the plane of the end zone. With receivers running wide open through a hybrid man-zone, really just a defense that nobody seems to know how to operate, the ‘Bohs’ QB found the open receiver to open the scoring 6-0. The ensuring conversion, running the play that has now worked time-and-again over the last season or so, was complete to Kendall ‘I intimidate you even when I play with my adorable kids’ Crawford to gain an 8-0 advantage.

The importance of this conversion cannot be overstated. The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, routinely averaged conversions approximately 16-20% (1/6 or 1/5) over the past several years until a set play was generated. Last season’s conversion percentage jumped into the middle 60’s as far as percentage, which is closer to 2 conversions every three attempts. And it was only going to get better today.

The ‘Bohs were back on defense and were about to be reminded of the little brunette girl who caught the only brown-clad completion of the game. Facing a third-and-mid, forced gender, the chestnut QB heaved a duck into the air that was barely grabbed by the nameless brunette for a first down deep into ‘Bohs’ territory. The downs were reset, but so did the defense. Covering receivers like body paint cover Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, openings were hard to find. So tight, that a near interception by new Untouchabohs Leah ‘Makers’ Jones proved that the ‘Bohs like to get their hands on the opponents’ balls. Despite the glorious effort by the ‘Bohs defenders, Hook and Lager broke the plane of the end zone to take the score to 8-6 in favor of the ‘Bohs. The defense held fast and prevented to the conversion to maintain the two-point differential.

The power of the super moon started to take hold of the Untouchabohs’ OD,B offense from this point forward in a game that would have more rust than sparkle. Running the offense effectively against the newly-switched man-to-man defense of H&L, the running game opened itself to the ‘Bohs truffle-shuffling QB. With the man defenders following the ‘Bohs receivers into deeper patterns, the field opened up like a child opens a Happy Meal and allowed the ‘Bohs’ QB to scramble for a large number of yards. Using this ploy on the next play, the ‘Bohs’ QB feigned the run to the right which pulled the safety from the deep center of the field and freed Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne to streak from left to right within the end zone. With the wind at his back, the ball sailed on the QB who obviously put too much air beneath the throw, allowing the defender to close and bat away the near-touchdown. Calamity struck on the next play as an errant pass over the middle was batted into the air by several sets of hands and landed in the arms of the ugly and luckily-coordinated H&L defender. Turnover, H&L ball.

Hook and Lager is a one-trick pony in that only one player on the team was able to make plays and keep them in the game. Several times the well-coiffed-QB of H&L threw to receivers other than the LBH (Little Brown Hair) and the success rate was minimal. H&L, though, knowing their offense was limited, rode this one-trick pony all of the way into the end zone on the ensuing drive to gain the scoring advantage of 12-8. The mettle-filled ‘Bohs fought hard again to stop the conversion attempt and give the OD,B offense the ball with 1:43 and running.

No stranger to running the end-of-the-first-half offense, where nothing can stop the clock except for timeouts, the ‘Bohs moved with a remarkably appropriate sense of urgency. The offense completed two passes after a deep incompletion on first down before aptly calling a timeout within striking distance of the end zone. Throwing with the wind, and having deep threats all over the field, the OD,B offense moved from methodical and soul-crushing, like watching a bad movie, to quick-striking like a cobra. Hughes, remembering how the ball sailed on the earlier near-touchdown to Layne, threw the ball hard and low, and away from the defender. Unfortunately, with time ticking, the ball was a little too low and harmlessly fell to the ground after temporarily colliding with the ‘Bohs’ receiver. Halftime, 12-8, H&L.

Halftime brings a period of peace, introspection, and relief…. for some. For your mighty Untouchabohs, though, it brings a period of fierce resolve that builds like the internal pressures that escalate prior to a volcanic eruption. Harnessing this passion can occasionally be difficult but the ‘Bohs know difficult, and treat such situations with disrespectful disdain.

Starting the second half with the ball, all players from the hearty ‘Bohs’ squad were focused on eliminating the drops that plagued the first half. Driving down the field with a calm purpose, milking the clock, and executing the offense to perfection – including second-down shuffles to Danielle ‘MD’ Madison - the ‘Bohs withstood a few more dropped passes and errant throws by the QB to score their second touchdown of the game and take the lead from the mud-colored antagonists, 14-12. A successful conversion pushed the Untouchabohs’ lead to 4, 16-12.

Defense wins championships, especially in a league where one is expected to score a touchdown, at least, every drive. And the ‘Bohs do a good job of making other’s work for their scores – of any kind. Despite the intensity on defense, the LBH tormented the ‘Bohs all game. Driving down the field and only, truly, moving the ball on forced gender plays, H&L eventually scored to regain the lead, this time by only two points, on another touchdown to their only weapon, 18-16. With the defense standing their ground, unyielding and frenetic like frenzied wasps defending their hive, the ‘Bohs swarmed to prevent the conversion to maintain a two-point differential and return the ball to the offense.

The OD,B can occasionally be a double-edged sword. Milking the clock in a way that resembles waves peacefully lapping that the shores of the Chesapeake Bay allows the defense to rest but removes precious time from the clock in the event of a ‘Bohs’ deficit. The offense must go on, much like a show, and the ‘Bohs move the ball with such confidence in their scoring that urgency was not a top priority. The ‘Bohs continued to methodically move the ball in a way that inspires thoughts of prototectonic plates meandering about the Earth’s mantle and used a perfect amount of clock. Converting first down after first down, the ‘Bohs completed passes to receivers on every side of the field, of every gender, and even mixed in a successful run. Unfortunately, the drops attacked like a snake in the brush and bit several of the Untouchabohs’ receivers. On fourth down and goal, calamity struck again, and a turnover occurred as the OD,B pass hit the ground.

The defense would be called upon to handle the situation yet again.

With the clock hitting the two-minute warning, some divine intervention, and a LOT of hustle was about to change the game. The Untouchabohs’ offensive coordinator and tight end/center, Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren, realized that the best chance for a non-loss would be to allow a score and stop the conversion. Before this could be communicated, the opponent, after two consecutive incompletions, called upon the powers of Evil, and went to LBH yet again. On a short pass to LBH, the ‘Bohs’ defender fell on the grassless land of Mike Cray and the chestnut-clad slut was off down the right sideline like a runaway truck on the shoulder of a mountain road. Darian ‘The guy in the red shorts is good’ Asghari broke from the line wearing sheer determination on his face and hunted the LBH down like a hungry Honey Badger. As he approached the LBH he delicately, like a hummingbird retrieving nectar from a flower, touched LBH with two of the softest hands ever to play sports. Unfortunately for LBH, she attacked the grassless hardpan with the abandon of an uncoordinated zebra dressed as mud and bounced repeatedly on the ground – forcing a clock stoppage for injury. This proved crucial to the ‘Bohs chances of winning as the defense was able to strategize using strategery to determine that allowing the next play to be a scoring play would give the ‘Bohs a chance to win. The ‘Bohs allowed a husky boy to run along the right offensive sideline and score a TD… and now the ‘Bohs’ defense had to muster another stop.

With the clock about to strike midnight, in reality it was the light-blue-clad-bright-green-eyed line judge counting to five, the safety crossed the line and forced an errant pass to some lame receiver who was so embarrassed to be alive, he fell to the ground while the pass was in the air. The lead had been extended on the touchdown to 24-16, but the ‘Bohs could now tie on a TD and 2-pt conversion. With the clock stopped at with approximately 84 seconds remaining, the calm, cool, and collected ‘Silver’ group of the offense moved onto the field after accepting a date with destiny.

Throwing deep on the initial play of the final drive served two-purposes – a near score, and loosening up the defense’s soft underbelly. The next pass was completed underneath to the Secret Agent, whose deft maneuvers leave him uncovered in the center of the field. After stopping the clock with their final timeout, Hughes delivered a touch pass toward the sideline to allow the female Asghari to capture the ball in-stride, gain yards, and stop the clock. As time started to run thin, another pass into the end zone failed to result in a score and brought up second-and-two, but effectively second and goal as time was running out. On second down, a majority of the receivers of the Untouchabohs moved toward the left side of the field allowing Hughes to freeze the eyeballing safety and prevent him from committing. With the defense having shifted to a zone, and with the zone moving toward the majority of ‘Bohs defenders, the right corner of the end zone opened like a clam revealing a pearl of hope. With a zone defender baiting the quarterback in the right flat, Hughes, who had been throwing the ball too hard all day, pumped to the left, froze the defense, and lofted a firm, yet supple, pass toward the yellow cone marking the front of the end zone. Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari tiptoeing along the sideline, caught the ball on a scoring play so beautiful that Himalyan Monks shed tears of joy. One more play was needed before the finish was complete.

Needing a 2-pt conversion to tie, the ‘Bohs continued with their conversion team and ran their play. The play that has worked for over a season. The go-to play. This time, though, with the safety thinking he knew what was going to be run… to KC on the left, Hughes pump-faked to the left and, just as the fake was completed, Keith ‘I give Wes a lot of crap’ Levin shook off an illegal hold to create separation from his defender, and haul in the game-tying completion as time expired. Euphoria overtook the ‘Bohs who snatched an important tie from the jaws of defeat with less than 90 seconds on the clock.

Next up for your Untouchabohs are Dave Lucadamo’s The Kings and Queens (Team #153, Black, 1-0-0) at Patterson High School Field #6 at 4:00 pm. With a fully-staffed team fresh off of an amazing comeback, the ‘Bohs are sure to play inspired BSSC-Coed-Beer-League-Two-Hand-Touch football.

Potpourri:

The Warlock is 0-1 this season on coin tosses;
The 'Bohs allowed four touchdowns and scored three, but tied on conversions;
I can't remember who scored, except for Lauren's TD and Keith's/Kendall's conversions;
'Bohs' QBs have thrown three touchdowns and one interception;
Mike 'Hey new guy, get off of the field' Ventura had a nice diving catch to open his career;
Passing and catching was difficult with the cold weather settling on the Baltmore area.

Spring Season Starts Sunday During Vernal Equinox

2011-03-18T11:24:00.001-04:00

20 March 2011 - 1:21 PM EST... Spring Equinox

Disassociated Press (18 March 2011) - Last season, extensive and painful blizzards put off the start of the season by one week and this year was no different - save for the style of precipitation. A week of torrential rains soaked the freshly-seeded fields so thoroughly that Mike Cray, Grand Overlord of all things BSSC, hired field-minions to prevent Patterson Park practices and delayed 2011 Spring Opening Day until the Vernal Equinox.

Few things could be more fitting that having the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, playing during the equinox. Distributing the ball equally between receivers regardless of down, distance, or gender, the 'Bohs epitomize equality. Though the opponents find the number of losses unequal to the number of wins when facing the 'Bohs, opponents have learned their place is to be gracious losers.

Aided by the return of the Coach, Tim 'Warlock' Lambert and his uncanny ability to lose coin tosses AND gain both the ball and the direction; Darian 'The guy in red shorts is good' Asghari at safety; Danielle 'Doctor.' Madison; Keith 'Don't Call me Klevin' Levin; and other key players you already know, the 2011 squad is tasked with having the most fun one can have in a coed-two hand touch-beer league-third tier-football club. Several new additions will be forced to quickly learn the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs - only for advanced readers - and how JD's Brisket fares against the fare of other Canton dining establishments.

The primary tenets of the ODB offense will remain in place, though, with conversions no longer being an issue for the team, the offense is now one of the best out of all 234 teams. That said, gender plays will still control the pace and attack of the offense, and second down will remain a focus to eliminate 4th-down-forced-gender.

On defense, we all know, that defense wins championships... and the Untouchabohs play the fiercest man-zone in the world. With the all-BSSC safety backing up a team of intense male/female cover cornerbacks, teams can rarely go deep... but if they do, they are forced to pay the consequences. Forcing turnovers puts the ball back in the hands of the offense, and the complexion of each game turns to favor your vainglorious 'Bohs.

Expectations will cede to reality on the day of the 2011 Vernal Equinox. Despite one's best efforts to cast aside expectations or preconceived notions, they will inevitably affect the perception of a season that will be successful. The goal is to focus on the relationships and magic that will accompany the competition - no matter the result of the games.

Wins and losses will come and go, but the character of this team will resonate throughout history, forevermore...

Shorthanded Tie Provides Untouchabohs With Playoff Momentum

2010-11-04T09:40:00.000-04:00

Strangely Dressed Referee Has Thin Skin

30 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) - The Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2-1) completed their first four-win and undefeated month with a hard-fought tie against Kirsten Basore's Trouser Snakes (Team #6, Maroon, 4-3-1) Saturday on slippery Lou Karpouzie Field #1. The bizarre game featured a plethora of drops and drama blended with grit and guile to ensure that the Untouchabohs reached the 32-team postseason in their initial foray into the BSSC's Tastes Great League (TGL).

It is difficult enough to have an opponent on the field, or a referee with an apparent vendetta, but facing both can cause a team to fold under the pressure. Instead of folding, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, buttressed their mettle with a dose of resolve, and held on for a 30-30 tie to ensure a Fall 2010 playoff berth.

With several key players arriving late, Tim 'Warlock' Lambert sent some mystical powers to the field ahead of the coin toss, a bizarre game of 'odds or evens' played behind the referee's back, allowing Adrian 'Iggy' Hughes to win the ball and direction - as if the opponent even had a choice or a chance.

The initial drive was peppered with crisp throws, timely catches, but a few drops. As the Untouchabohs were about to cross the midline, on 4th-and-mid, the first down pass hit the ground for a quick turnover with about 14 minutes remaining in the first half. Slightly stunned, but still focused, the Untouchabohs' defense took the field.

Defense wins championships, and with the turnover the Untouchabohs could ill afford to give up a touchdown and commensurate two-point conversion. Buckling down on the Trouser Snakes like a beartrap in the woods, the defense yielded a hard-earned touchdown. Despite the touchdown, the omnipresent omnipotence of the offense-stopping 'Bohs' defense was in full display. With the Trouser Snakes fighting for the two-point conversion, the pass to the right side of the end zone was completed to the maroon-clad receiver. Unfortunately for him, the entire ball AND body must cross the goalline in order for the scoring to count - and therefore the turnover only yielded six points for the TS and the ODB offense was going to take the field.

In a league where turnovers are at a premium, the 'Bohs knew that they needed to score twice, but score in such a way as to avoid allowing the Snakes to get back-to-back possessions since they would get the ball to begin the second half. That said, the ODB offense needed to pick up the pace while still striking with lethally-accurate short passes. Moving down the field, and facing a forced-gender and goal, Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari ran a low-post maneuver to create separation and the pass was guided with the touch of an angel into the receiver's hands. The 'Bohs were able to capitalize on the conversion, finally having a conversion play for the first time ever, and took an 8-6 lead.

The defense was going to be called-upon, again, to slow and or stop the Snakes' offense. On their second possession of the game, they dodged a bullet - or so they thought! With the TS's QB dropping back, and the count reaching 5, Darian 'All-BSSC Safety' Asghari was on his way to the QB as the ball was released in the direction of a female receiver. Weaving his way through traffic like a hell-bent soccer mom on Baltimore's Beltway, the ball shocked the defender and bounced through his hands and onto the ground.

The near pick-six served as a warning that the Untouchabohs' defense is stout and relentless. Feeling like a bullet had been dodged, the guard of the Trouser Snakes had been let down, and opportunity presented itself to the 'Bohs for a second time. The TS QB released his next pass with too much touch into a slight, but present wind. As the ball drifted toward the receiver, like a child’s balloon toward the heavens, Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert mercilessly attacked the ball like a puma after prey. Gilbert ripped the ball from the hapless receiver’s hands for the timely turnover and the ‘Bohs were going on a roll.

Starting with excellent field position, Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari ran the same route that she’s run every time in history and scored a crucial touchdown to take a 14-6 lead. Amazingly enough, the Untouchabohs scored their eighth straight conversion (dating back to the pre-forfeit game) to extend the lead to 16-6. The pressure fell on the defense for the third time in the half.

Still bringing the heat, the ‘Bohs were able to turn the Trouser Snakes over for the second time in three possessions on great defense, stifling coverage, and a little black magic. Taking the ball with 43 seconds remaining, and great field possession again, an incomplete pass necessitated the usage of the first team timeout. The second pass, rifled with a hatred of the football, found its way into the hands of the ‘Bohs receiver for the critical touchdown and a 22-6 lead. The conversion streak was broken, but the offense validated the valiant efforts of the voracious defense in taking a 16 point lead – a lead that would prove critical with the bizarre second half about to commence.

The Trouser Snakes moved the ball down the field, barely, on their first drive of the second half. Not able to take advantage of the deep ball that they so desperately wanted – in part due to the safety play of Darian Asghari and in part due to the suffocating coverage of the Untouchabohs’ defenders such as Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray, Keith ‘Don’t call me Klevin’ Levin, and Kendall ‘That’s MY ball’ Crawford. That said, somehow the naughtily-named and maroon clad morons were able to break the plane of the end zone and cut the ‘Bohs’ lead to 22-12.

The next Untouchabohs’ drive mimicked the Trouser Snakes more than the ODB offense – moving in fits and spurts. Methodical in nature and dull in enthusiasm, the drive included two runs by the QB Hughes to move the ball and one nifty move to outsmart the defense into a mistake. With his patented (well, it’s patented now) fake run to the left, the maroon defender believed Hughes had crossed the line and rushed the QB. Unfortunately for him, Hughes had only feigned the line-crossing goodness that a BSSC QB is allowed on his side of the field, and the five-yard penalty for offsides was called – giving the ‘Bohs a much needed first and two on the TS side of the field. The drive ended with another TD to Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari, who ran the same route that she’s run forever – with Danielle ‘I missed the game last week and I'm now engaged’ Madison running the mirrored route to the left – for the touchdown. The conversion – now a staple of the Untouchabohs’ offense – extended the lead to 30-12.

The clouds were forming and a storm was brewing for the Untouchabohs – in the form of the lame duck referee dressed as… well, lameness. After the Snakes scored a touchdown, and failed another conversion, to close the gap to 30-18, the ‘Bohs offense was on the field. With an incomplete pass to the right, and Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne on the ground from the IMPACT of two maroon players HITTING HIM, a flash of yellow tore through the sky in the form of the lame referee’s lame penalty flag. When the call was not in the ‘Bohs’ favor, Layne was unceremoniously ejected for barely uttering a sound – to this day nobody heard Jonny even speak - leaving the Untouchabohs with a 7-on-8 disadvantage for the rest of the game. It was up to the resilient ‘Bohs to defend Jonny’s honor, friendship, and loyalty – and to ensure that they did not suffer a backbreaking loss. Milking the clock on the current drive as best as they could, a failed 4th-and-goal conversion occurred and turned the ball over to the Trouser Snakes.

Moxie, grit, and guile are staples of the ‘Bohs – and it was on full display. Without the pressure of a safety to end a play around five seconds, the ‘Bohs defenders had to cover until the TS QB decided to throw the ball – a daunting task. Despite their best efforts, the Snakes scored and, as is a staple of the ‘Bohs defense, prevented a successful conversion to keep the lead in favor of the Untouchabohs 30-24 over the Trouser Snakes.

Evil demons were watching, and taunting, the Untouchabohs on their second drive of the half. After gaining a first down, barely across the midline, the ODB offense gained two completions, but not a lot of distance. Desperately in need of yardage, and a game clinching touchdown, the ‘Bohs receivers moved through the tight zone of the maroon morons. Coming free from a deep route, a ‘Bohs receiver opened up in the nick of time as pressure was crossing the line in the form of a Redskin Hat wearing toolbox with speed. Barely able to release the ball in time, the pass attempt hit the ground, forcing a 20-yard fourth and goal. With a play drawn in the sand, receivers crossing from left to right along the goaline, the coup de gras was still possible. Taking the snap, and drifting behind the midline to allow more time for the receiver to work deep, the crossing routes of the two primary receivers freed three ‘Bohs receivers along the goaline. With the count reaching ‘Five,’ Hughes fired a laser to the near–left quadrant of the end zone only to have the ball fall to the ground. It was going to be the defense to secure the game from this point forward.

Time was running out, and a loss to the maroon Trouser Snakes would have added another 5-win team to the playoff mix while a win would ensure a playoff future in the Tastes-Great League (TGL) postseason. The valiant, and tiring, defense was able to hold off the Snakes for long enough but eventually yielded a game-tying touchdown to even the score at 30-30 – with the two-point conversion holding both teams hostage for the final play of the game. The Snakes snapped the ball to the QB and, with time appearing to run on forever, the targeted receiver slipped to the ground at the same time that the ‘Bohs’ defender slipped to the ground. With time still running, and the ‘Bohs unable to apply pressure with the safety blitz, the maroon receiver broke loose of his coverage in the right-rear of the end zone. The same demons that stuck the ‘Bohs with the untimely ejection were about to strike the Snakes. The quarterback, not under any pressure whatsoever, and only trying for the one-point PAT, tossed the ball to the receiver – but the ball bounced through his hands and to the ground. Tie-game, Untouchabohs are IN the playoffs, and free football for all of those who count in the eyes of the TGL Warlock-Led ‘Bohs.

Next up for the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2-1, Playoff Seed #22) are Buck Young’s You do you. Ima do me. (Team #75, Red, 6-2, Playoff Seed #11) at 11:00 on Patterson Park Field #6, Saturday, 6 November 2010. This is free football for everyone who shows up, and we need you to be there! Go ‘Bohs!

Potpourri:

• The ‘Bohs have won the coin toss three times this season, and started with the ball, but not the desired direction;
• The ‘Bohs have lost the coin toss five times this season, and four times started with the ball AND desired direction;
• Darian Asghari set a team records for QB sacks this season with six – breaking the previous record of two!
• The ‘Bohs have outscored opponents 262 to 186 this season, an average margin of 9.5 points per game;
• The ‘Bohs have converted 78% of conversions over the last three games, while averaging 20% for the previous 13;
• Meanwhile, they only allow conversions at a 20% clip (one out of every five, on average);
• Opponents turn the ball over approximately 37% of their drives versus the ODB average of 20%;
• ‘Boh’s QBs have thrown 39 touchdowns this season as compared to one interception;
• Upon hearing about the engagement of Aaron 'The Franchise' Warren and Danielle 'Not James' Madison, Adrian Hughes picked-up, and spun, 'Not James' around several times with glee! and
• We all, by fighting together, through weddings, travel and engagements, managed to earn free football!

Warlock Controls Universe - Secures Win During Loss

2010-10-28T18:01:00.000-04:00

"I don't know how I keep doing it?!" Warlock replies...

23 October 2010 (Disassociated Press) - The Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2) were clobbered today by the approximate score of a LOT to LESS on Patterson High School Field #4 today by Fantasy Football (Team #19, Red, 6-1).

How does Tim 'Warlock' Lambert control games such as this - even the dark lord Satan replied 'No Comment.' during an interview with the unofficial blogger of the BSSC's TGL. Lambert, sitting at work in Hunt Valley, sent his wishes and skills with Adrian 'Iggy' Hughes to handle the coin toss prior to the clash of teams - the unbeaten Team #19, and the two-loss Team #31 Untouchabohs. Dark magic was about to happen.

Jason Gill, captain of FF, won the coin toss and - for reasons only known to the Warlock - elected to take the ball. Such witchcraft allowed the Untouchabohs, the losers of the coin toss, to gain BOTH the ball AND the desired direction. But the darkest of the black magic was yet to come...

With time ticking toward the start of the game, and the 'Bohs only having a TOTAL of five gentlemen and three ladies, the opponent only had one female present. With repeated cries of 'she's on her way' originating from the red-clad group, the Warlock Lambert expired the referee's clock and a forfeit - this season, finally, in favor of the 'Bohs - was called, giving the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, a much-needed victory!

In a fun-game that was basically a massacre of the 'Bohs' defense in action, the little blond girl ran circles around everybody on the field and essentially defined the entire offense of the Fantasy Football squad, who spent most of the day fantasizing about having a full complement of females play in that week's game!

One educational moment was gleamed from the day, though, as the Untouchabohs threw deep several times - with each of the passes falling incomplete and one of them turning from a touchdown into an interception. 'Bohs' QBs, well QB in the singular, threw two interceptions and had a third batted down by a perplexed defender.

Magically, the Untouchabohs were smoked today and somehow lost the coin toss, earned the ball, obtained the desired offensive direction, and secured a win during a loss. All of which seems tainted by the wonderful control of Coach Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert.

Special Thanks to those that made it to the game. Without you we would not be having the season that we're having - and the opportunity to earn free football (playoffs). Welcome to the team you not-so-newbies and we hope you'll keep playing with us for a few seasons to come!

Next up for the Untouchabohs is Kristen Basore's Trouser Snakes (Team #6, Maroon, 4-3) at LK Field #1. This team is seeking the elusive 5th win to give them the opportunity to make it to the playoffs, while the 'Bohs are in a Win-and-In scenario!

Clash of Purple Bodes Well For 'Bohs

2010-10-28T17:39:00.000-04:00

Board-Tested Defender Turns Tsunami-Like Tide of Game

16 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) - After feasting on world-class quiche, meeting and greeting the Untouchababy, and arriving to the field on time for the first time all season, the Untouchabohs (Team 31, Purple, 4-2) started slowly before mercilessly turning the Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 1-5) into a Barney-colored pudding during the Baltimore Marathon at Patterson Park Field #6.

The Untouchabohs had to face the demons remaining on a field with one of the worst losses in team history, to a lime-colored bunch of freaks in Week 3. Facing a purple team for the second time in as many weeks, but NOT needing to wear the horrible pinnies, the 'Bohs needed the warlock to get the game started quickly to keep the Purple-on-Purple momentum from the previous week's win. Facing a strong, quartering, wind blowing to the southwest would benefit the cerebral 'Bohs.

Managing the mystical powers of the 'coin toss,' (actually a game of odds-or-evens with the referee holding one hand behind his back), Tim "Warlock" Lambert secured both the ball AND the preferred direction again - proving that dark magic is nothing to joke about. Unfortunately, the opening drive stalled with an incomplete pass on 4th-and-goal, putting the 'Bohs' defenders on the field for the first time all game.

Defense wins championships, and with the balance of the game in the powerful hands of the person-on-person Untouchabohs' defense, and the Plastered Platypuses had no idea that they had Hell to pay! Facing a forced-gender and-goal situation, Danielle "I took my boards yesterday, darnit" Madison unleashed hell on the unsuspecting PP receiver, ripping the ball from deep within her soul, and taking the ball well beyond the midline. The chorus of cheers serenaded both the amazing defensive play of Madison and the passers-by running the Linwood Leg of the Baltimore Marathon.

The ODB offense capitalizes on such typically unprecedented female defensive dominance. This season the killer instinct of the post-turnover ODB offense turns opponents into post-dominatrix berated submissives, and the PP were just the next in line. The 'Bohs drove down the field with the focus of an angry mongoose killing a rattlesnake and gutted the Platypus defense with a score to Wes Gilbert and the newly rejuvenated conversion play to take the 8-0 lead.

With the first massive showing of the season, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, had plenty of depth to counter the pinnie-clad Platypuses. Despite giving up the touchdown on the ensuing drive, tight defense prevented the PP conversion attempt to maintain the ever-important two-point lead and keep the score at 8-6.

In true Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert fashion, the ODB milked the clock like a prized cow - sort of. Driving down the field, and appropriately mixing high-percentage passes with timely running plays, the Untouchabohs faced their first forced-gender on the PP side of the field. Making a quick move from right-to-left, Danielle 'Fury' Madison took the Hughes pass - which was thrown to a spot to allow the receiver to make a play - all the way to the western end zone to extend the lead to 14-6. With the second successful conversion of the day the protagonist's lead grew to 16-6.

Unable to comprehend the sophisticated nuances of Mike Cray's insidious football-like game, the PPs faced a 4th-and-mid with time evaporating at the end of the first half. The deep heave-ho down the middle of the field fell incomplete - and a charity 30 second runoff by the referee - ended the half.

The referee is an interesting bird. The same referee that witnessed the 39-6 drubbing of the black team in Week 4 - and who stole an interception from the hands of Darian 'Subversion' Asghari on a reversal of his OWN rule - was witnessing an absolute massacre-in-progress of an overmatched pinnie team. Despite such shortcomings, he seems to be a jovial gentleman, and does a generally unremarkable job of refereeing Taste-Great-League (TGL) games.

The massacre-in-motion had yet to take shape due to the pair of turnovers in the first half leaving the PPs with a chance to bring the game within two points. After a halftime discussion about how the ball would hold-up in the wind to the offensive right side of the field, the strategy immediately came to fruition. Too bad for them that the PP's ineptitude started with a ball dropped by the 'Bohs' safety (hung in the wind) on the first play and culminated with a turnover after trapping themselves in a 4th-and-two (that becomes a 4th-and-mid) situation. Batting the pass down, the turnover was complete, and the killer instinct of the 'Bohs was going to be on full display.

Driving toward the eastern end zone of Patterson Park Field #6, and preparing to put their foot on the opponent's throat, completions were aplenty. Sensing the final blow - reminiscent of the 'Finish Him' chants of Mortal Kombat lore - Kendall 'My Ball' Crawford quietly hauled in a laser of a pass for the touchdown. The THIRD conversion in a row extended the lead to 24-6 and there was blood in the water for the circling Untouchabohs' defensive sharks.

People are sometimes privy to seeing amazing things, and the 'Bohs have a shut down corner in Will 'The Engineer' Gray. This drive was one of hope for the PPs, but it was about to end in disaster - due to the QB failing to note the direction of the wind and the routes that his receiver decided to run - and the amazing athleticism of the Engineer... The QB had a receiver running from left to right with the Engineer trailing behind. Late on the read, the QB passed the ball to the receiver - into a quartering wind that deflected the ball behind BOTH the receiver AND the Engineer. Gray, while running at full speed and the ball tailing behind him, arched his back in a display of athleticism that caused ballerinas to weep tears of appreciation, and tipped the ball with his outstretched right hand. His feet, almost separate from his body, finally got themselves in position, and moved his body toward the floating ball. Centered now, like mass likes to be on orbiting bodies, Gray caught the ball with two hands for the magnificent interception, and another dagger into the heart of the Purple Platypuses.

The ensuing 'Boh's drive brought a newbie, excuse me, a newBoh, into the scoring mix with the culmination of the drive resulting in a touchdown to Ken 'Post Up' Grote in the left corner of the end zone. This was a game of new scores, as Ken, Aaron, and Adrian all caught touchdowns for the first time this season. Great team effort!

With the game in hand, Wes 'Not Kenny' G. took over the reigns of the QB position and led the team on two scoring drives that sandwiched a Darian Asghari pick and the ejection of the fuzzy-haired and overmatched QB of the PPs. The first touchdown drive had the Warlock catching a deep ball for the first time all season and ended with a Gilbert-Asghari TD pass in the center of the end zone. The gender-conversion had the female Asghari pass to Hughes on the left side that Hughes, known throughout the league as having a massive ribcage, tipped the ball to himself while ricocheting the defender off of the ribcage, for the two-point play. The second drive, following the ejection and against a 7-man defense - had the QB pass the ball to an uncovered former-QB in the right side of the end zone. A successful one-point conversion ended the game with the final score of 47-6.

Next up for the Untouchabohs is Fantasy Football (Team 19, Red, 6-0) at Patterson High School Field #4 on Saturday 23 October 2010. With almost the entire team unable to make this game, the remaining 'Bohs will do their best to keep the winning streak, and playoff hopes, alive for another season.

Prime Time Stolen by Pinnie-Donning Untouchabohs

2010-10-13T15:36:00.000-04:00

Warlock-Led ‘Bohs Bounce Bastards

9 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) – Like the merciless beatings of the proverbial red-headed stepchild, the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 3-2) turned up the heat in a 26-18 victory over Gil Milan’s Prime Time Bastards (Team #45, Purple, 2-3) at Patterson Park Field 1 on Saturday. All that, a bag-o-chips, and whilst wearing bright-yellow pinnies to boot).

Despite being forced to wear tiny pinnies, which would have made even the sveltest male conscious of his rotund corpulence, Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert used his Warlock-like powers to control the opening ‘coin toss’ and favor the mighty Untouchabohs. Lambert has made BSSC history with his ability to trick the other team into giving the Untouchabohs the ball to start the game AND allow the ‘Bohs to obtain their desired direction. Oh ye Gods!

The Untouchabohs moved the ball against the 3-3-2 zone of the PTBs with ease - having fun yet also displaying the seriousness of a tax-audit on steroids. Wielding the ODB (that’s the Offense is Defense, Bitch) offense, predicated on ball control to allow the fierce defense the ability to rest on the sideline, with the might of Atlas, the ‘Bohs moved the ball efficiently down the field. Never having to face a forced-gender possession, another covenant of the ODB offense, the offense found itself knocking on the opponent’s endzone (heads from the gutter, please) with a 4th-and-goal from the one yard line. One incomplete pass later, and the Untouchabohs had their first turnover-on-downs of the season and the momentum had shifted to the dually-purple clad PTBs.

This is an offensive league and teams are expected to score on every drive. This false sense of security is exactly how the defensively-minded Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, like to suffocate their hapless opponent like the tightening grip of a boa constrictor around the neck of its next meal. A few yards and two completions were gained on the first series, but this was just the ‘Bohs lulling their hapless victim into a state of apparent safety before striking. With the Untouchabohs’ women making a key play on third-and-midline, the stage was set for a critical 4th-and-mid. Back to full strength after a barrage of weddings, international travel, illness, and charity decimated the roster, the heave of the PTBs QB fell incomplete and turned the ball back to the ‘Bohs’ ODB Offense. Though they were apparently unaware of the truth – this was the beginning of the end for the PTBs.

The intensity of the Untouchabohs would have rivaled that of the nuclear ball of fusion within the sky while the focus on display instilled a feeling of jealousy by the Hubble Telescope. Passes were thrown that were not allowed to hit the ground. Second-down passes went to Danielle ‘Doctor’ Madison with the ease of a Sunday afternoon hammock swaying in the breeze, and outlet passes drifted to the open Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari in the flats. The ball was spread to all of the receivers, and the QB found open targets with ease. Striking first blood, the ‘Bohs executed the first score of the game and took a 6-0 lead. Facing the conversion demons of the past two years, the QB Hughes missed an opening to Kendall ‘MY Ball’ Crawford before putting the defense onto the field for the second time of the game.

PTBs somehow managed to start a quarterback with hundred-dollar wheels and a rag arm. Despite the incompletions on the opening series dooming the team to the turnover, the PTBs QB managed to create instant offense by running for first downs across the midline. One quick pass to the gloved wonder, a relatively athletic and over-intense self-perceived studmuffin, on the right side culminated in a quick touchdown and a tie game. With the pinnie-clad ‘Bohs defenders defending the end zone like a brother defends his sister’s honor, the pass fell incomplete and the score remained tied. Quick Note: The PTBs spent 15 minutes of pre-game running a combination route to the left side of the end zone with the primary receiver running a fade to the left… The sideline called the route before the snap, and the receiver changed his route, which doomed the pass to be incomplete!

With their third possession of the game, and about 6:50 on the clock, the ‘Bohs had to execute the game plan perfectly to prevent losing the opening coin toss advantage – meaning you cannot go into halftime tied since the other team gets the ball to start the second half. This meant a drive that would milk the clock like an angry farmer milks a cow AND culminated in a score. Turnovers are not allowed. Failure is not an option!!!

Neither OC Warren nor QB Hughes were prepared for the new BSSC defensive zone alignment being executed by the PTBs - a 1-5-2 defense. This required the ODB offense to move cautiously down the field to avoid a turnover. Waiting until the Referee called that there were less than 10 seconds remaining before each snap, the defense anxiously anticipated the random route running of the ‘Bohs’ receivers. Despite the fluxing of defensive alignments, nobody stepped-in to stop the Hughes-Madison Second-Down certainty or pay attention to the rushing attempts of the ‘Bohs’ QB to gain yardage without the possibility of a turnover. After getting a first down on the initial completion series (where a completion yields a first down), several QB rushes gained significant yardage to burn the clock and get the ‘Bohs to third-and-goal about one football from the midline.

Darian Asghari caught a first down pass with less than four minutes remaining and the clock running like a leaky faucet. Humor struck immediately after potential calamity when Hughes stared-down Lauren Asghari on the offensive right side and heaved a high-hard pass toward the sideline. The safety, one of the two twin brothers wearing hats, broke on the ball and almost intercepted the errant QB pass – errant due to the swirling winds on the field that literally blew the ball higher and more outside and prevented the interception. With the female Asghari walking back into the huddle, the ‘Doctor’ mentioned that she should get the football… with Lauren replying ‘I know, I know, I got my hands on it.’ Ironically not understanding that she should have actually retrieved the ball after it went out of bounds. Funny – I don’t care who you are.

It was finally time to score - facing a third-and goal from the 10 yardline and just over two minutes remaining in the half. Still facing a 1-5-2 defense, effective in redzone play, the five count expired and the PTBs sent in a female rusher to attack the yellow pinnie-clad QB of the ‘Bohs. Feigning left and rolling to his right, his throwing side, Hughes stared to his left and tossed the no-look pass to the waiting Lauren A. for the touchdown. 12-6, stay classy San Diego. A failed conversion for the second time of the game prevented an extension of the lead but still gave the Untouchabohs the advantage while also leaving the PTBs with little time on the clock.

Defense wins championships – and keeping teams from scoring with possessions at the end of halves keeps the ‘Bohs ahead of the curve. With the PTBs QB forgetting that their best offense weapon was having their quarterback run around the tide turned in favor of the ‘Bohs’ defense – specifically All-BSSC Safety Darian Asghari. In a league where sacks just DO NOT happen, and most teams do not run a man-on-man defense, the ‘Bohs make it happen.

On the final series of the half, with all aspects of the man-on-man defense shutting down the receivers, the male Asghari bursts over the line at the split second of the 5-count and forced the quarterback to try to run – but only for a one-yard gain. On the same possession, with the defense covering the wide receivers like cake batter on mixing blades, the male Asghari lunged over the line with the intensity of a teenie trying to get Justin Bieber tickets and SACKED the QB for a 5 yard loss.

After burning a timeout, the offense attempted a deep pass to one of their females – who failed to catch anything other than a shuffle-pass all day – with Lauren Havery-Levin physically preventing the pass from completion. End of half – ‘Bohs hold a 12-6 lead.

PTBs started the second-half with the ball when calamity struck for the Untouchabohs. First play fo the second half was a deep pass downfield from one twin brother to the other. With the ball drifting into the sun, Keith ‘Don’t Call me Klevin’ Levin, covering his receiver like white on Jerry Rice, just missed the ball – which was caught and run in for the quick touchdown. The ‘Bohs’ defense held again for a key stop, which allowed the score to remain tied at 12-all.

The most awkward play of the season was about to occur on the ensuing ‘Bohs drive – and there was little doubt that awkwardness is occasionally synonymous with Adrian. After satisfying the completion series completions – first down to a male and second down to the Madison – the Untouchabohs’ QB noticed another shift in the defense – now playing a 3-2-3 zone and opening up the center of the field. Taking the snap, on the run, Hughes rushed deep up the middle of the field before being tacked with about ten yards to go until the midline.

Doing the same thing on the next snap – Hughes, as he is prone to do, stopped immediately before the midline and awaited the imminent tackle by the PTBs’ nearest female – adhereing to the pleas of teammates to avoid tagging the rushing ‘Bohs player. In the three seconds that followed, with awkwardness exponentially growing like bacterial growth on an agar plate, Hughes rotated his body and ‘tapped’ the PTBs player. Upon further review – take a knee next time!

Despite the awkwardness, the Bohs’ moved the ball down the field and found themselves once-again in a short-and-goal situation. Luckily enough for them, Lexi, fresh off of her honeymoon, was back on the field and found herself free on the offensive right side of the end zone. Gentle pass into the corner placed the score back into favor of the ‘Bohs as they took an 18-12 lead. The subsequent conversion to Levin on the left side of the field, a successful conversion FINALLY, extended the lead to 19-12 and gave the ball back to PTBs.

Sometimes, luck plays a factor regardless of skill or planning. The next drive was typical of the things that can go wrong in Second-Tier, Coed, Beer-Drinking, Two-hand Touch, BSSC football. Facing third-and-one situations twice on the drive, PTBs finally figured out that a short shuffle pass was the way to go. On their scoring series drive they finally got a really nice guy with a horrendous haircut the ball while running a circle route from right to left behind the line of scrimmage. So wide open you would have thought that he rolled-around in garbage, the lofted pass found him on the left side of the field, and he waddled-in for the touchdown. With the balance of power, meaning the score, in their hands again, the defense came through and forced another key incompletion and the Untouchabohs maintained a one-point advantage.

With just under seven minutes remaining in the game, the ODB offense was about to operate as efficiently as possible – running the clock down and securing a victory. With a pass-pass here and a run over there, the mastery of the BSSC rules was so beautiful that it caused tears of joy to be wept by innocent bystandiing witnesses. Again taking advantage of running, and thus making an interception an impossibility, the ball moved down the field as the clock tick-tocked itself away. Milking the clock down to the two minute warning was the initial goal of the drive. Goal number two, a score, was about to come to fruition like a rainbow refracting sunlight from condensing water vapor. With the female Asghari open on the right side of the field, crossing the goaline, her signature move perfectly executed, Hughes heaved a gentle, and so very loving, pass over the defense and into the waiting arms of the Untouchabohs’ receiver. Converting the one-point conversion to go up by eight points put the PTBs behind the proverbial 8-ball and put the staggeringly-intense ‘Bohs defenders back on the field in crunch time.

In an anticlimactic finish, the PTBs never made it over the midline as a second sack took place and the female receivers of the opponent failed to figure a way to play with the QB’s balls (snicker snicker). With the ‘Bohs taking a knee to finish the game, the final bell rang, and the score was finalized – 26-18.

Next up for the Untouchabohs is the MARATHON GAME, which is the game that takes place DURING THE MARATHON at Patterson Park Field #6 at 10:00 on Saturday, 16 October 2010 against Reggie Riddick’s Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 4-1). Luckily enough for the ‘Bohs, they are the home team this week and they won’t need to wear the bright yellow pinnies!

Important BSSC Links:

Quick Summary of Weeks 2-4 To Keep Up To Date!

2010-10-13T15:31:00.000-04:00

Game #2 Against Jimmy MacFarland's Baltimore Bohs and O's (Team #37, 1-0, White)

Hughes knocking down the long pass attempt down the defensive left side (though he didn't pick it).
Will having a kid!!!!
Playing our hearts out without any substitutions.
That skinny pale kid catching too many passes;
Our socks!
Not getting blown out again 40 something to 6 (like in the first time at LK#2 when they were bright yellow)

Game #3 Against Jeff Barnes' Bad Touches (Team #5, Lime Green, 1-1)

Against the lime green team; Few subs, hot as hell, no Darian or Lauren.
Hughes' laser of a throw to Wes in the end zone from midfield;
Keith coming back from the wedding to catch a long touchdown;
Driving at the end of the game and coming up short on 4th and goal, to lose by 1
Adrian laying out the guy at the end of the half;
Anastasia making it happen all game long;

Game #4 Against Raphael Christofidis' Triflin Hose (Team #11, Black, 1-2)

Facing the black team - who was terrible - Field 1 at 4:00
Keith missed the game again;
Layne's interception;
Making the game just in time due to horrible traffic from the Fells Point Festival;
Lauren tossing the ball to Danielle, with Adrian batting it down…
Our socks;
Finally generating a conversion play;
Kendall's SNATCH on a high laser after we were going to take a knee, and we scored a touchdown;
Lauren dropping the sure hot dog interception
Referee overturning Darian's third interception of the game;
Quarterback running for a long touchdown;
Being able to use our deceptive play, or so other referees have called it, to almost score;
Adrian's BACKWARDS pass to Darian when they rushed 3 people…
Final score was 40-6. They kept heaving the ball softly into the middle of the field.

Monkey Mojo Stolen by Thievish Untouchabohs

2010-09-17T17:34:00.000-04:00

THREE PICKS TASTE GREAT IN TASTES GREAT LEAGUE OPENER

Disassociated Press (11 September 2010) – A witches’ brew of monkey mojo, national heritage, a warlock’s blessing, and three interceptions were stirred in the cauldron that was brand new Patterson Park Field #6 as the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 1-0) intercepted a win over Red Hot Monkey Mojo (Team #40, Red, 0-1) on Saturday. Despite an apparent lack of depth, the ‘Bohs were outnumbered almost two-to-one, the ‘Bohs mustered enough mojo, grit, and guile on defense to intercept the tactically-challenged quarterback three times on their way to a 31-14 defeat.

Last season, Coach Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert made a mockery of the coin toss when, in nine games, he made a habit of magically losing the toss and still getting the ball and the direction that the Untouchabohs desired. He sent his black magic from his charity event to PHS Field #6 as evidenced by the opposing manager winning the toss and inexplicably choosing defense to start – allowing Hughes, the ‘Bohs giddy quarterback, to obtain both the ball and the desired direction. Oh ye Gods!

Starting off from the western end zone and driving east like the jet stream, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, completed their first four passes by mastering the Offense is Defense, Bitch (ODB) offense and staying out of forced gender situations. Adding new talent in Allison Merkle, Danielle ‘Robin’ Madison, and Megan Tschoep, to the already-feared Lauren ‘The ANIMAL’ Asghari, the FemBohs displayed superior athleticism while striking fear in the Monkey Women. With completions to the left and completions to the right, here a pass, there a pass, everywhere a pass-pass the ‘Bohs drained the clock like the desert sun drains lost victims and scored to move ahead 6-0. With a failed completion, the defense was about to take the field.

Defense wins championships, and in a league where you are assumed to score every time, a turnover is a cataclysmic offensive mistake. With RHMM moving toward the mid-line, and needing a conversion, the Untouchabohs were about to force a cataclysmic mistake. With fourth-and-mid, forced gender (something that the ‘Bohs don’t allow to happen within the ODB offense), RHMM’s lanky quarterback waited for the impossible – for his ladies to shake free of the beautiful and talented ‘Bohs’ defenders. With the 5-count expired, and under pressure from safety Darian Asghari, the quarterback heaved a soft spiral toward the waiting arms of the receiver. Unfortunately for her, ‘Robin’ Madison was sticking the defender like hot wax to naughty bits, and ripped the ball from her pasty-white clutches. Turnover, ‘Bohs have the ball!

Working the clock like Lady Gaga works a meat dress, the ‘Bohs took their time to cross the midline. With several completions and a few quick QB sneaks, the offense found themselves in front of the goaline with a chance to lead by 2 scores. A quick completion to the left side of the endzone provided the much-needed points, and a surprise 1-point point-after-try (PAT) but the Untouchabohs up 13-0 and placed their vaunted defense back onto the field.

RHMM sports several athletic players, one who could best be described as gazelle-like, on the receiving side of the ball. Using a ‘Hot Dog’ (for newbies or fresh meat, that is a college or pro-sized football), the quarterback was able to deftly move the ball down the field on sideline routes and ‘flag’ routes that were indefensible to the ‘Bohs’ cornerbacks and safeties. Their second drive of the game culminated in the gazelle catching the ball in the right corner of the endzone on a corner route. Great defense on the ensuing conversion kept the game at 13-6 in favor of the glorious Untouchabohs.

The clock continues to run in the first half, only stopping if there is a change of possession with less than one minute remaining in the half. The RHMM score and subsequent conversion occurred with 3:20 remaining in the half, though the ‘Bohs didn’t snap the ball until 2:42 was remaining. Frenetic, like a whirling dervish on caffeine, Hughes attempted to lead his team down the field for an important score but hurried a tad too much, leaving the team facing a 4th-and-2 completions to obtain the first down and keep the drive alive. On the four-count, Hughes lofted a high pass over the middle, snatched out of the air like a Bald Eagle snatches a herring from the water, completion good, first down and 2, 1:30 remaining. After a pair of quick completions and a timely timeout, the ‘Bohs put a dagger into the gut of the RHMM and extended their lead to 19-6.

Halftime is a glorious time in BSSC, especially when you have a lead. Despite the RHMM taking the ball to start the half, and the ‘Bohs being a little winded by a lack of substitutions, the stout defense was able to slow the forward progress of the offense, but ultimately yielded a score to lessen the gap to 19-14. The pressure was now on the ODB offense to milk the clock and score to maintain their hard-fought advantage.

A quick completion to the left side opened up the Untouchabohs for their patented® second-and-two-completion-to-a-girl. In this case, it was a pass intended for the female ‘Manimal’ Asghari in the right flat. Unfortunately, Hughes’ improper footwork placed the football by the foot of the receiver… drawing audible ire by the male Asghari attempting to placate the official mascot of the Untouchabohs, Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari. Immediately after Hughes told the intense Untouchabohs’ safety to ‘quit it,’ Hughes took the snap and started reading his progressions. Needing a short completion, Hughes defied his very training and started yelling to Kendall Crawford to go deeper… no DEEPER! Lofting a high spiral into the crisp end-of-summer air, so beautiful that Himalayan Monks wept tears of joy, the pass found its way into the waiting arms of the speedy receiver for a touchdown. No conversion, but the ‘Bohs were now leading 25-14. Now things would turn for the weird.

With the defense gasping for air, RHMM was driving. With fade routes and outs down the field, left and right, the Untouchabohs appeared vulnerable for the first time in recorded history. A little bit of luck was about to turn the tides back toward the vainglorious protagonist ‘Bohs. Hughes, needing to play defense for the first time in two years, allowed his defender to get behind him in the end zone, knowing that he couldn’t be burned deep. Lucky enough for the defender, he saw the receiver, who had already caught three passes on the drive, motion to the QB to have the ball thrown to the outside. The RHMM QB obliged by tossing the ball to the rear corner of the endzone, but Hughes had already broken his coverage and intercepted the RHMM Hot Dog. Second turnover of the game, advantage ‘Bohs, essentially 11-0.

The massacre was on. Taking the ball with 5:30 left in the game, the ODB offense was in full display. Running the clock down to 5 seconds, making short and/or very high completion passes, and avoiding drops, the entire team focused on the task at hand the way the Hubble Telescope focuses on rays of light that have yet to strike those who are present on Earth. Keeping the clock moving, the ‘Bohs ran the clock down to the two minute warning with their fifth touchdown of the day. Failing to convert the one-point PAT meant that the clock wouldn’t run continuously and that the Untouchabohs defense would need to continue to play out the game. A sense of foreboding overtook the RHMM, though, on the game’s final drive.

Taking the ball from their 10 yard line, and attempting to toss the very same out and flag routes they have been running all day, what little Mojo the Red-Hot Monkey Mojo team had, was about to be diffused by a ball-hawking safety in Asghari. On what proved to be the final play of the game, with 1:50 remaining, Darian Asghari picked-off the high lofted Hot Dog by the Mojo QB to seal the trilling, and slightly unexpected, 31-14 victory.

Next up, the Untouchabohs take on the lamely-named Baltimore Bohs and O’s (Team #37, White, 1-0) at 1:00 on Patterson High School Field #4 (the lower, middle fields, inside of the fence). With attendance an issue again, the ‘Bohs hope to put their best feet forward in search of another TGL victory.

Potpourri:

• The final turnover margin was 3-0 in favor of the Untouchabohs;
• Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert blessed Hughes to allow victory during the coin toss;
• Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne got dirty for the first time this season on a ball that floated softly to the ground between two ‘Bohs defenders;
• No longer clad in orange, the former Orange Crush Defense (OCD) still made its presence felt;
• The defense only allowed scores on two of five drives (40% score against) and one of two (50%) conversions;
• Hughes should never play defense.

Untouchabohs Expect Two Saturday Victories

2010-06-04T09:44:00.000-04:00

Anything Else to be Declared, 'Uncivilized'

(Disassociated Press) 4 June 2010 – The 2010 version of the Untouchabohs begin their playoff run Saturday at the Lou Karpouzie fields against playoff tested teams of yesteryear. Fighting without a plethora of playmakers, the talent level will be high despite a lack of depth. The orange crush defense will have a different look but will still break the heart of the opponents like a child breaking a cherished family heirloom.

After a battle of the citrus fruits two weeks ago as the Orange (Team #124, Untouchabohs, 6-1-1) crushed the Lime (Team #119, Catching Touchdowns and Making Babies, 1-7) on Patterson Field #4 the ‘Bohs will be taking on a nemesis in Andy Beal’s team in the sudden death playoff game. It will be a rekindling of rivalry as TD’s in your face (Team #88, Navy, 6-2) was named Gender Plays are For Girls in the 2009-Fall season and it took a Pick-6 by Chris ‘Full’ Nelson to seal the game and the four point victory.

Intensity and conversions will be the key to the game, and any subsequent games, as this team knows how to play and the ‘Bohs are 0-1 against 6-2 teams wearing Navy blue this season. History is something to learn from and not repeat, so the forces of good shall accompany the intense Untouchabohs through battle on some of the better playing surfaces that the BSSC LFL has to offer. Despite the rising temperatures, NASA has assured ‘Bohs blogger Hughes that there are no solar flares on the horizon and therefore the wizardry that Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert will employ will be in full effect come gametime. Oh ye Gods.

The Untouchabohs have been buoyed by a plethora of depth, a paucity of penalties, and a ball-hawking defense that has caused so many turnovers that Paula Deen has been wearing jealousy like her apple turnovers wear heavy cream and butter. When you combine that with the methodical, defense saving, ODB offense, victories are earned. Despite some lulls in intensity this year the ‘Bohs always display a fighting determination and will to win that is unparalleled in BSSC, and especially LFL, lore.

The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, will fight tooth and nail to the bitter end to allow the absent members of the 2010 squad to have the opportunity to chase the championship on Sunday, which will require two Saturday wins. The grit and guile of the Saturday squad chasing the championship will be remembered to be like the grit and guile of the Goonies chasing One-Eyed Willie’s treasure. Luckily for the ‘Bohs, there are no angry Italian mobsters in pursuit, though there will be stiff competition from the opponents.

Come out, bring some refreshments, and setup your chair at the LK fields this Saturday, as your glorious Untouchabohs extend their season from Playoffs Day 1 into Day 2, and make a run for the LFL Cup, also known as a pitcher of ice-cold Miller Lite.

Potpourri:

• Untouchabohs’ QBs have a 40:2 TD to Int ratio this season;
• Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert has won the ‘toss’ 5/8 times;
• Of the 3 ‘toss’ losses, he has secured both the ball and the direction twice;
• Jonny Layne’s streak of getting dirty ended this season after a miraculous 17-game streak spanning 3 seasons;
• The Untouchabohs Orange Crush Defense (OCD) pitched a shutout this season, the second in three years;
• OCD has prevented scoring on 56% of opponents’ drives this regular season, but only forced 1 turnover in their lone loss;
• The Untouchabohs are going to win two games on Saturday.

Battle of the Citrus Goes to Orange over Lime

2010-06-04T09:40:00.001-04:00

23 May 2010 -

Upended Untouchabohs Display Moxie, Mettle, and Courage

2010-05-21T10:22:00.000-04:00

'Bohs Lose First Game But Go Down Swinging

(Bad News) 16 May 2010 - A blatantly-poor referee and a late first half turnover was too much to overcome for the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 5-1-1) as they faced an ignorant bunch of slutbags also known as Chris Lee's LMU Falcons (Team #125, Navy, 5-2) at Patterson High School Field #2 on Sunday. A late first half turnover, subsequent slutbag score, and an overturned touchdown was too much to overcome on a glorious day in Baltimore.

Losing the opening toss for the second time this season, but failing to start with the ball for the first time as well, the Untouchabohs' Tim 'Warlock' Lambert must have lost his evil powers of controlling the fate of the toss due to some unexpected cosmic disturbance. Such insane revelations, Lambert losing the toss, has caused a flurry of activity at NASA facilities across the country as such things may be a cosmic sign of impending doom. NASA astrophysicists would not respond to inquiries as they were weeping tears of concern.

The first half was a see-saw battle that saw the first turnover of the game slip through the fingers of the vaunted Orange Crush Defense (OCD) preceding a score and two point conversion to put the LMU Falcons up 8-0. Undaunted, the subsequent drive by the 'Bohs moved the ball efficiently down the field for a score though the failed conversion brought the streak of unsuccessful conversions to 11 straight, and the Falcons lead 8-6.

Near-interceptions have become commonplace with the OCD on the field, and a duck of a pass was heaved by the quarterback of the Falcons to the left side of the field. Underthrown, like most of his passes were all day (hence the short route-running of the Falcons' receivers), Will 'Shutdown' Gray picked off the pass and accelerated toward the end zone. Scoring again, but failing to convert (12-straight failed PATs), the game was 12-84 in favor of the 'Bohs. Of note, the Falcons had some guy on the sideline giving everyone a pantload of trash talking, but who was wearing the wrong color shirt. Recent research into derogatory terms has deemed this individual as the definition of a Douche Canoe. Moral experts have determined that such horrible behaviour is unnecessary and the Irish green-clad DC should be gelded like a pedophile.

Running a drag route against the man-to-man defense of the 'Bohs proved highly effective for the Falcons' Justin Rice who had a career day moving over the wash created by the other team's players picking 'Bohs' defenders at the line of scrimmage. Moving down the field the Falcons scored again, though failed to convert the point-after-try (PAT), and extended their lead to 14-12.

The ODB offense hinges on several immutable laws. Accurate passing on conversion series, running with the ball for yardage on midline series, and keeping the defense off of the field for a breather during the game. Risky, low percentage, deep passing is not part of the game plan, but a poor decision by Hughes turned the tide of the game. Moving down the field, and crossing the midline with just over two minutes left, Hughes rolled to his right. Hearing chants from the sideline, and failing to ignore them, he heaved a deep ball, across his body, to the left-center portion of the western end zone. With the ball held up by the wind, and without much juice on it anyway, Rice picked the ball away from the receiver for a crucial turnover.

Referees in this league have difficulty keeping track of the rules while punishing the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, for their apparently striking good looks. Some, perchance, argue it is for the physical style of play that unnerves the typically weak-minded opponents of the 'Bohs and creates a whining that infiltrates the souls of the BSSC yellow-clad rule keepers. The referee stopped the clock with the turnover though he is only authorized to do that with 1:00 or less time left in the first half. This proved advantageous to the navy blue-clad slutbags who were only required to burn one timeout during their drive. Scoring with no time remaining, but with the ferocious and dedicated OCD of the 'Bohs preventing the conversion, the score moved to 20-12 in favor of the pack of worthless Legg Mason trash.

Halftime was a somber one for the 'Bohs who reminisced about lost opportunities and about the potential impending apocalypse that somehow temporarily robbed the 'Warlock' of his game-altering powers. Nonetheless, the Untouchabohs are as resilient as a supercharged trampoline and were intent to fight back against the evil forces conspiring against them.

Taking the opening drive of the second half down the field, all things were clicking. With a few drops scattered in with many more completions, the offense was moving. A pass here and there, with key completions to Danielle Madison, consistently open on the left edge of the field, culminated with a touchdown and a conversion which halted the failed-PAT streak at 12 straight, and moved the 'Bohs even with the Falcons at 20 points apiece.

The referee was throwing yellow hankies all over the field in the first half and not much changed in the second half. Extending drive after drive, the Falcons capitalized on the shady referee, stepson of Satan-the-Referee (see the post from the 'Black' season from Patterson Park Field #4), to score and convert to extend their lead to 28-20. The next 'Bohs drive was also affected, as was the course of the game, during the scoring series. After several throws, too hard for the 'Bohs receivers to handle, the 'Bohs QB found an open Bruce McMillion in the center of the end zone. Well thrown, and caught, the 'Bohs avoided a turnover. FLAG! The referee ruled that McMillion, in FRONT OF THE REFEREE (who stands on the end line) was out of bounds and the pass was incomplete. Bad call, turnover, tide of the game shifted.

The drag routes continued and the deflated Untouchabohs defense allowed a score on the Falcons' possession. Prideful, the PAT was prevented to keep the differential at 14 points with just under five minutes remaining. Things looked bleak for the 'Bohs, who managed to bollocks-up a rally cheer in the offensive huddle. Quitters never win, and winners never quit - as evidenced by LeBron James' lack of character - and the 'Bohs were far from quitting. The first play from scrimmage displayed a lack of respect for the 'Bohs' QB's arm as the safeties maintained their depth during the play. With Hughes taking a seven step drop behind the line, eyeing a deeper pass than usual, and Kendall 'That's MY Ball' Crawford crossing the middle of the field, the QB frantically waved for the receiver to break toward the end zone. Heaving the ball the length of the field, over both the defense and the receiver's shoulder to the left corner of the end zone, Crawford elevated (while shielding the defender from the ball) and hauled in the touchdown. Conversion good, the drive took under one minute to put the game at 34-28.

It was too little, too late, as the Falcons were able to run a slant from the opposite side of the field from Justin Rice to catch the defense a little off-guard and score with under two minutes remaining. Failing to convert again, the Falcons held a 40-28 lead. The final drive of the game ended on a forced gender hail mary with no time remaining giving the resilient Untouchabohs their first regular season loss since the first week of October 2009 against the Mustangs (Team #132, Military Green, 7-0).

The Untouchabohs, #16 overall with the current standings, are poised to make the playoffs for the second consecutive season pending a win this week over Glen Jackson's Catching Touchdowns and Making Babies (Team #119, Lime, 1-6) at the Untouchabohs' Homecoming game of the season at Patterson Park Field #4 at 3:00 PM. Don't be late, we need you all there to help!

POTPOURRI:

After missing the initial two conversions the 'Bohs went 2-2 and will carry that into the next game and the playoffs;
The interception was the first interception of a 'Bohs QB since a tipped ball gently landed in the arms of a Daisy Yellow female defender in the Game 2 49-0 drubbing of Tummy Stick Enthusiasts;
The girl who loves STDs bought the 'Bohs two pitchers after the game and tried to apologize for being intense - unfortunately she should have apologized for Legg Mason people being slutbags;
JD's southwestern brisket is magnificent;
Will Grey recorded his 3rd interception of the season, six other 'Bohs have 1 int apiece;
Lambert's powers will hopefully return this week assuming the solar flares or other cosmic disturbances have been quelled;
The 'Bohs never-give-up spirit will carry them all far through games and also in life;
Confucius was reached and stated the following: 'The Untouchabohs' greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.'

Tornadic Winds and Untouchabohs Twist Undermanned Warriors

2010-05-13T10:35:00.000-04:00

Football Gods Smirk at Attempt to Throw Hot Dog in the Wind

(Aqua Iggy News) 9 May 2010 - Strategic strategery, a suffocating defense, a little love from the referee, and a methodical offense carried the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 5-0-1) over Andrew Porter's Christopher Walken's Warriors (Team #144, Royal Blue, 1-5) at the displaced Field #4 at Patterson High School in a 24-13 Mother's Day victory.

Facing sustained 25 mph winds swirling and changing directions more frequently than changing an infant's diaper, the direction of play would be key in avoiding a big, negative, play for the 'Bohs. Team #124 is lucky to have the fabled, dark-magic wielding, coach on their side. Winning the coin toss for the fourth-straight game, the gifted coach Tim 'Warlock' Lambert secured the ball for the ODB offense and used his mystical powers to secure the wind direction that the Untouchabohs coveted at the start of the game. 'The Warlock' has won 5 of 6 coin tosses, and in the singular loss, managed to use his powers to secure BOTH the wind direction and the ball to start on offense. Oh, ye Gods!

The initial possession began with a friendly game of 7-on-7 as both teams were short one female as the game started. Two 'Bohs were drawn to an adjacent field hosting another, and likely not as attractive, orange team like insects to a bright orange lamp. The reinforcements arrived in time to participate in the initial drive, characteristic of the ODB offense. The initial pass attempts is a short pass to a male, followed by a shovel to the waiting arms of the female. If you are new to the Less Filling League (LFL) of the BSSC, this ensures that the initial first down is obtained, and ensures that a 4th-and-1 Completion; Gender scenario is never reached. The drive, straight into a gusting wind, culminated in a touchdown to (WHO?) though the failed conversion left the lead at a meager 6-0 score.

The Orange Crush Defense of the Untouchabohs is a sight to see. Forcing turnovers at a clip of 62% of the opponents' drives (which includes stopping a team at the end of the first half for record-keeping purposes) is something unheard-of in the lore of the LFL. Granted, the opponents of this season's squad, currently 15-33 (0.313 winning %) is significantly lower than last seasons opponents (37-19; 0.661%). Facing the offense of Christopher Walken's Warriors (CWW henceforth) for the first time today brought out the best and the worst in the defense.

For the second-straight game the offense opposing the OCD of the 'Bohs faced a 4th-and-1 on the opening possession, and for the second-straight game the defense astutely took away the short, easy completion. Unfortunately, also for the second-straight game, the defense yielded a long completion to convert the completion and gain significant yardage toward the end zone. Ugly as that was, the best was yet to come. Facing 3rd-and-1 (Open) the CWW QB scanned the field and looked for an open, royal blue-clad receiver in the end zone. Finding a tall, lanky, drink of water open in the right side of the end zone, the lame-armed bandit heaved a tight spiral toward the receiver. The receiver, leaving his giant feet to grapple the NFL-sized football high above the ground, clasped the pass between two hands and was preparing to gently land for the score. Unfortunately for him, Will 'Night Train Lane' Gray was about to make a 'Gray't' play.

Exploding from his sound defensive possession inside of the receiver, also the initial reason the pass was high and outside in the first place, Gray erupted from his position in a way that would make an exploding star jealous and closed-in on the gangly giant. Leaping gracefully like a gazelle in his prime, Gray glided through the air to smack the ball from the receiver's hands at the pinnacle of its height. BSSCPN has automatically awarded Gray the 'Top-10 Play' #1 ranking for the week, and will consider bringing him in for the BSSCSPY Awards this summer. Perhaps one of the most explosive plays in years for the LFL. Almost as a side note, the secretive and deft Angelo Rivera deflected the subsequent 4th-and-Goal (Gender) pass down at the line through the referee didn't see it and the offense quickly moved onto the field before the challenge flag could be thrown by CWW. Turnover #1, 6-0 in favor of the 'Bohs.

The ensuing possession had a great deal more crisp offensive action than the 'Bohs have had during the previous two games. With Lindsay 'Leopard's' Spotts drawing the coverage of the opponent and the respect of teammates on forced gender plays, the offense moved methodically down the field with the rhythm of the Olympic rowing team. Passing, running, and managing the game, a touchdown was as imminnet as the sunset. Facing into the wind, two attempts failed at touchdowns until Jonny 'Secret Agent and Dirty Boy' Layne snatched a high, hard, pass out of the air like an osprey snatches an unwilling victim; angry and with authority. Failed conversion on a truly wind-blown attempt left the 'Bohs up 12-0 over the truly overmatched opponent.

This is an offensive league, even though defense wins championships, and the quick quarterback of CWW was on the move. The most effective plays of the day for offensive leader of this gangly group of so-called ‘Warriors’ occurred when a blitzer crossed the line and yards were gained with the QB scramble. That said, CWW moved down the field and got a touch lucky scoring their first touchdown of the day and a conversion to move the game to 12-7. Proving how important even one conversion may be, the game was now within five points of the trailing team and 53 seconds remained, the ‘Bohs heading into the teeth of a gusting wind.

A valiant effort on several completions put the ‘Bohs within striking distance of the end zone and only consumed one timeout. Unfortunately the defense stacked the end zone and Darian ‘Don’t Throw a Hot Dog in the Wind’ Asghari came open late in the play on the right hand side after the last attempt at a third, first-half, score fell incomplete.

The gender confusion played an important role in this contest of two well-dressed teams. On CWW’s initial possession, a deft knock-down by Rivera stopped a drive and forced a turnover on downs. On the ensuing ‘Bohs possession a pass intended for Spotts was inadvertently batted down by one of the five males with their hands in the air. With a short, petulant, weevil of a man on the royal blue squad saying that we owed it to them to decline the penalty (which is what the QB Hughes was going to do anyway), the sportsmanlike Untouchabohs declined the penalty. Ironically, for those who don’t know the rules (like CWW), if you accept the penalty it’s 5-yards and repeat gender, if you decline the penalty, gender is reset and the play becomes open. By following the weevil’s request, he doomed them to playing 7-on-8 again as opposed to 3-on-3. Further forced-gender issues would surface later in the game though Jessica Marshall (referee, and captain of a 6-0 team) would have none of it.

Opening the second-half with the ball, CWW faced a forced gender situation. With the ‘Bohs male defenders on the line, arms in the air, the lame-duck-throwing QB of CWW drilled Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert in the right pectoralis major and claimed that the pass was interfered-with. Knowing the rules, Jessica M. informed the offense that by purposefully striking a male defender below the shoulder is a penalty, repeat the gender, and move the ball back 5-yards. A scramble by the QB across the mid-line (for the only first-down of the drive) was followed by several heaves into the wind that looked more like an injured toddler being catapulted without rhyme-or-reason in a northwesterly direction. Another failed 4th-and-1 later, turnover on downs, ODB has the ball.

With advice from Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari, barking from the sideline, to continue to milk the clock, the ODB offense was keeping the pressure on the defense. Phantom forces were about to curse the Rivera for the second straight week. Taking a bubble screen off of the right side of the line, Rivera juked the initial defender so hard that his pride was left in the jetwash of the receiver’s afterburners. With only one defender remaining between Rivera and the end zone the game was on. Making another juke that caused Himalayan Monks to weep tears of resplendent joy, Rivera moved to his right and crossed the goal line. Unfortunately for Rivera, for the second straight game, phantom forces were at work and an inadvertent whistle called the play dead on the defensive side of the mid-line. Personally disappointing for the receiver, it did not haunt the ‘Bohs as they scored again on a beautifully-run route by Bruce ‘You Didn’t See That One Coming’ McMillion. Let it be known that Bruce had just run 6 routes previously by walking off of the line, and on this play, walked off of the line and exploded into the play. Touchdown, failed conversion, 18-7 Untouchabohs.

Defense wins championships. In a league like this everyone is expected to score every time. LFL rookies don’t remember the days of 26-28 losses, turnover-free games, and games lost because of failed conversions. Most also don’t remember the 1-7 season with 2 forfeits, the 3-5 season with 2 forfeits, or the 4-4 season where we lost on a touchdown with no time remaining after tying it with under a minute left on a 25-yard 2-pt conversion (due to a penalty). This game had already seen two turnovers and was about to see a third. With the QB scramble allowing yet another first down after mid-field, a heave on another forced-gender play fell incomplete and another turnover on downs gave the ball back to the Untouchabohs. With the tally standing at 18-7 in favor of the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, the ODB went into full-on execution mode and worked the clock like a teenager working second base for the first time in their lives.

Driving, completing passes, scrambling, and gaining first-downs, the offense was rhythmic and beautiful to watch. The wind, still wreaking havoc on the ball actually caused one of Hughes’ passes to violently move to the right, mid-flight, and with Layne adjusting to the ball, also removed the receiver’s shoe. With heckling from blue and orange players directed toward the handsome reciever’s golf socks, the receiver shrugged, and was about to have the last laugh. Running the same route, the receiver broke across the formation, right to left, and caught another rocket, placed in a better location this time, and got dirty for the final ‘Bohs touchdown of the game. The 10th-straight failed PAT left the score at 24-7.

The final drive of the game was aided by some generous calls by Referee Marshall who seems to have warmed to the Untouchabohs over the last two seasons. LFL-lovers may remember when her judgment in the playoffs cost the Untouchabohs a first down and essentially gave the game to the eventual LFL champions ‘Fear the Purple.’ Despite this fact, the referee seemed to want the other team to score an ego-boost and allowed them to drive down the field and score one more time. The conversion attempt left 33 seconds on the clock and the ‘Bohs allowed the clock to run down to secure their fifth victory of the season against zero losses.

Patterson High School Field #5 will be the showdown of the regular season as the Untouchabohs take on Chris Lee’s LMU Falcons (Team #125, Navy, 4-2). This game could be the season for the Untouchabohs. Currently, football playoffs are scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, 5 and 6 June 2010, respectively. This means that 32 teams would make the playoffs. IF KICKBALL playoffs are rained-out, then kickball would use the fields on the 5th of June and only EIGHT TEAMS will make the playoffs. If the Untouchabohs win-out, they are guaranteed a seed in the playoffs, but if they suffer a loss, their postseason dreams could be dashed like a Nightmare of Kane Street.

Fight hard, play with pride, what’s our name?! ‘Bohs!

Potpourri:
• Lambert, when asked at JD’s after the game about his coin tosses, was heard uttering, “Aren’t I a smart person? Doing good things, making say Yeah?”
• Lambert has won his 4th straight coin toss, and is 5 of 6 for the season;
• Mother’s day kept a lot of ‘Bohs from participating and hopefully a bigger squad will return for the very important game this week;
• Untouchabohs’ QBs have thrown 32 TDs and 1 INT;
• The ‘Bohs have failed on 10-straight conversions dating back two weeks;
• The offense was only stopped on conversions and because of halftime;
• Jonny ‘Fast’ Layne extended his modern-day LFL record and sullied himself for the 16th-straight game;
• Rivera will miss the game and will hopefully exorcise the phantoms that haunt him when he is running down the sidelines;
• The opponent played with an NFL-sized ball that was slipperier than a lubricated porcus (latin for ‘pig’);
• The ‘Bohs are 2-0 against teams that toss an NFL-sized football (Team #112, Irish Green)

Angry Monkeys Butchered by Sweltering ‘Bohs

2010-05-06T21:42:00.000-04:00

Untouchabohs Enjoy Chilled Monkey Brains on Sweltering May Day

(Disassociated Press) 2 May 2010 – On a day where clothing should have been optional and air conditioning mandatory, the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 4-0-1) undressed Jim Carbo’s Angry Monkeys (Team #99, Irish Green, 2-3) on a desert-like field also known as Holabird 2 in Dundalk, Merlin.

Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert continued his reign of divine intervention by controlling unknown forces of the known universe to swindle both the ball AND the team’s preferred direction from the opponent. Oh Ye Gods, mess not with the Warlock.

The shadow of Donna’s Lounge was barely casting a shadow on the field, not only because it’s a one-story building, but because even the sun was exhausted due to the elevated Baltimore humidity. The opening drive, in fits and starts, moved the ball against the zone defense of Carbo’s ‘Monkeys with the ODB offense. Moving the ball appropriately for the initial completion series, quick short passes and always to a female on second-down, a few drops permeated the early going. Spreading the ball around, and forcing a few passes, the quarterback Hughes was so rusty that little flecks of oxidized (ferric) iron were spread around the field when he moved. Still, a forced-gender play on the scoring series of the first drive culminated in a touchdown to another female and put the score at 6-0. An overthrow to Kendall Crawford on the two-point PAT left the score at 6-0.

It was hot, so hot that Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari, team canine, barely uttered a peep as he nursed the large chunks of frozen water tossed his way. Still, the refreshing Orange Crush defense of the Untouchabohs was about to take the field. Forcing the Irish-Green Baboons into a 4th-and-mid with three straight incompletions, a defensive breakdown, and some ‘Luck of the Irish’ allowed an uncovered Monkey behind the defense for a long score. Going for, and gaining, the one-point PAT against the still-stunned Untouchabohs put the evil green asses ahead 7-6.

Milking the clock like a thirsty farmer milks a cow the ‘Bohs’ offense moved down the field again. A spectacular catch-and-run by Angelo Rivera on the left side combined with a horrific call by both the official and the line judge stopped the touchdown near the 10 yard line. The official appeared to be watching a game in a mythical, parallel, universe which is the only explanation for the litany of tackles he missed or phantom tackles that he called. As consolation to Rivera, the ‘phantom tackler’ actually confessed to missing the tackle and allowing a TD on a ‘great play.’ Alas, the Monkey’s phantom tackle could have been a changing point in the game as the ‘Bohs, forgetting that they were still on a completion series, faced a 4th-and-1 from the two-yard line. As Rivera broke across the back of the end zone, from north to south, Hughes spotted him but his throw to the uncovered receiver was high enough to pick a soaring eagle out of the sky. Turnover – still 7-6 in favor of the Monkeys.

Defense wins championships, and it preserved a win on the next possession. By now, the Untouchabohs’ tactics on game management have spurred discussion throughout the league regarding discipline and ingenuity. Unfortunately for Carbo’s squad, they continued to try to go deep often and left themselves with a 4th-and-mid with about 10 yards remaining. Darian ‘The Guy in the Red Shorts is Good’ Asghari applied consistent pressure in the game and brought the heat. Crossing the line with the ferocity of a fat kid after a Twinkie, Asghari pressured the QB. Tossing the ball meekly into the air, a swiftly closing Jake Brim snatched the ball from the intended receiver like an angry parent snatching a delicious lollipop from a snotty, arrogant, and undisciplined child. Interception, turnover, the ‘Bohs were about to roll.

The ODB offense of the ‘Bohs tried to keep the ball moving slowly down the field to give all of the players a rest on the defensive side of the ball. With a quick pass here and a short run there, here a pass, there a pass, everywhere a pass-pass, the ‘Bohs completions resembled the spread on Old MacDonald’s table after an evening of butchery.

The touchdown was scored on another forced gender play – to this point someone with a ‘Y’ chromosome had only scored one touchdown in the last 5 halves of play (Crawford) – and put the ‘Bohs up 12-7 though they were most assuredly playing down to their overmatched opponent. Another failed conversion kept the score at 12-7 but gave the opponent the ball with time to work.

The ensuing Monkey-drive was given the benefit of the doubt not one, not two, but at least three separate times on their way toward the end zone. The first farce-of-a-call involved Darian ‘Time Out’ Asghari who sacked the quarterback on a play that culminated, in the official’s eyes only, as a completion. Asghari, on the five-count, crossed the line and sacked the quarterback on a full-out dive. Unfortunately, the owners have overruled instant-replay in the BSSC LFL due to the fact that the games are not taped in any way, shape, or form. The referee, obviously delusional from heat-stroke, awarded Mr. Asghari with the equivalent of a BSSC yellow-card and requested he take a ‘time out.’ This re-ignighted the focus of the Orange Crush as the drive continued. Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert, on the next play, was speedily chasing a receiver who called to the QB for the ball. Only a few people could hear it, but in a gritty display of purpose, focus, and animalistic aggression, Lambert could be heard muttering, ‘throw the ball…throw it!’ The spiral left the QB’s hand toward the vocal receiver and Lambert showed tremendous closing speed. Breaking up the pass, with a near-interception, the attempt for a completion was foiled.

The drive continued as the official appeared to be adding seconds to the clock. With the male Asghari on the sideline, pressure was not applied at the five-count, and the quarterback of the offense had too much time to find an open receiver. The shiftiest of Monkeys caught a short pass and quckly knifed through the defense. Only a heroic, touchdown-saving tackle by Brim halted the runner with about 20 yards until the end zone. This is where the unfairness continued.

The play was blown-dead by the official, who took 20 seconds to explain that there were six-seconds remaining and asked the coach of the Irish Green squad if they wanted to use a timeout. Wait a dang minute here Mr. Official? Stopping the clock to see if the team with the ball wanted to stop the clock? Such tomfoolery is shunned by the football gods and despised by the vainglorious ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team. The forced-gender fell incomplete and a bullet had been dodged leaving the score at halftime in favor of the ‘Bohs, 12-7.

Alas, the defense roared its mighty roar and the offense found a rhythm in the second half. Forcing a turnover on downs on Team #99’s initial second half drive set the tone for the rest of the game.

A mixture of Monkey drives ended with turnovers and all of the Untouchabohs’ drives ended in touchdowns. Anastasia ‘Blue Devil’ Dolgovskij and Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari scored on successive drives toward the eastern end zone, joined by another passing TD by Hughes to Angelo Rivera (wide open again) on a scramble to assert dominance. Two more turnovers, featuring sickening defense by the swarming, and sweltering, Untouchabohs’ cornerbacks, kept the opponent off of the scoreboard while the ‘Bohs moved the lead to 18-7, 24-7, and 30-7.

A final turnover was followed by Keith Levin’s two beautiful touch passes to the significant-other combination of Aaron ‘The Franshise’ Warren and his sig-other Danielle ‘Fighting Irish’ Madison. One of the completions was as satisfying to watch as a post-coital cigarette as the ball, floating over the defense, required Warren to gracefully pirouette in the air and grasp the ball for his second completion of the game. The coup-de-gras was applied on the subsequent forced-gender pass to Madison, who gently cradled the Levin pass like one would catch raw eggs falling from the sky, and outran her Irish Green-wearing oompa-loompa all the way to the end zone. Failing to convert the PAT, the ‘Bohs didn’t convert one all game, left the score at 36-7 with the fourth TD of the second half.

A charity drive, manufactured by the official mostly, allowed the Monkeys to score and bring them ever closer to feeling good about themselves and close the gap by six. Final score, Untouchabohs 36, Angry Monkeys 13.

The Mother’s day clash of the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 4-0-1) and Christopher Walken’s Warriors (Team #144, Royal Blue, 1-4) will take place at Patterson High School #4 at 4 p.m. This is another must-win as one loss is potentially enough to keep a team from the playoffs. Facing a blue squad is of concern since the ‘Bohs historically struggle against teams of such hue. Alas, with the ‘Warlock’ calling the coin toss, and completions abound, the Untouchabohs will continue to assert their dominance and strive toward an undefeated season.

Potpourri:

Lambert won his 4th coin toss in five attempts and secured either the ball or the direction of choice every single time, eerie;
Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne set a modern-day record for getting dirty in his 15th straight game;
Darian Asghari recorded two official sacks in the game (one other was negated by a blind official);
Brim’s interception would have been accompanied by several more – the ‘Bohs’ hands were playing with the Monkey’s balls all afternoon;
QBs have thrown 28 TDs to 1 INT this season;
Emily’s cleats were shiny but post-game interviews may have uncovered that they look better than they feel (news at 11);
The Untouchabohs have outscored opponents 189 to 69 (28 TDs to 11 TDs);
Untouchabohs' offense has scored on 87% of possessions while the defense has allowed opponents to score on only 34% of possessions (That is Amazing!);

Personal Note: Thank you all for continually showing up. It is such a great group of people and we all fight so hard to make this happen week-in and week-out. It is a commitment that, because of so much support, brought a win this past Sunday. The outcome was in doubt for a significant portion of the game but our depth, open substitutions, grit, and guile allowed us to collectively will ourselves to victory. Great job: a lot of pride should be felt individually and collectively.

Forces of Nature Take Heed as Untouchabohs Take Victory

2010-04-20T09:41:00.000-04:00

Untouchabohs’ Females Continue to Score Against ‘Our Chicks Score’

(Disassociated Press) 18 April 2010 – With tax day come and gone, the swarming Untouchabohs’ defense conducted a taxation of the soul against their fourth opponent of the year, ‘Our Chicks Score.’ The Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 3-0-1) forced turnovers on four of seven drives to dishearten those rooting for Our Chicks Score (Team #112, Irish Green, 1-3) at high noon on Dundalk Community College Field #2.

Starting the game on a field that, let’s face it, seemed to be forever and one day away from everyone, Coach Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert unlocked his secret box of dark magic to win the coin toss for the third time in four games and give the Untouchabohs the ball. Amazing to witness, the one coin toss that Coach Lambert happened to lose this season, the Game 2 matchup against the Tummy Stick Enthusiasts, the ‘Bohs’ Lambert still managed to obtain both the ball and the preferred direction. Lesson here, do not mess with powers that one cannot comprehend – just be thankful that he is on your side…

Coach Lambert Bringing the Black Magic in 2008

Driving down the field against a worthy adversary brings out the best in the Untouchabohs, as these two teams have met twice before; Patterson High School Field #3 in the Spring of 2008 (Orange) and again in Game 2 of the playoffs in Fall 2009 (Daisy). The teams have metamorphosed since then and came into the game with the series tied at 1-1. Alas, the football gods have blessed the ‘Bohs with superior talent and a control of the game and tossed short completions, ran the ball, and ran crisp routes to score the first TD of the game. Despite the wind, which was naughtily playing with the ball, the passes were caught during the drive, and one more for a conversion, to put the glorious ‘Bohs up 8-0.

The Orange Crush defense of the 70’s Denver Broncos is new and improved, and has been reincarnated as the man-to-man defense of the 2010 Untouchabohs. The ‘Bohs defense sensed blood in the water like a vicious shark preparing for a feeding frenzy as they faced a quarterback who melted-down in the playoff game less than six months prior. Kind as a bystander, and cocky as a quarterback, he previously made the mistake of confiding in the ‘Bohs QB Hughes during their Game 1 thrashing of STM that he hates man-to-man defense. Ask and ye shall receive; we’re bringing the pain…

By violating an immutable law of the LFL (the ‘Less Filling League’ of the BSSC) and ‘Throwing a Hot Dog in the Wind,’ Luke angered the gods. As if that were not enough to doom his team, he continued to tempt fate as he failed to satisfy his teams’ initial completion series. Panicking as Darian ‘I’ma gonna SACK ya’ Asghari repeatedly applied pressure, the Untouchabohs’ defense tightened like the veins of a lifetime salt addict and forced a turnover on downs. Queue the feeding frenzy…NOW.

The second ‘Bohs drive was a little sloppy; perhaps due to the surprise at being on the field so quickly, or the gale-force winds that were wreaking havoc on the ball. Regardless, the ‘Bohs mustered their composure while driving toward the northeast end zone and found a wiiiiiiiiiide-open Lexi ‘Special’ K. in the left corner of the end zone. A peeved self-declared ‘All-World’ QB for the Irish Green-clad opponent was heard muttering, ‘can someone pick a corner and stay there?!’ Angelo ‘Long Ball’ Rivera bailed out the QB Hughes by picking a sailing ball from between four defensive hands for the conversion to drive the score to 16-0 in favor of your playmaking protagonists.

Our Chicks Score began their second drive of the game by shortening their routes at first then trying to stretch the defense deep. Unfortunately for the feeble-minded football-thrower of OCS, his passes found the ground more quickly than a satellite plummeting from orbit. The most productive offensive play of the game occurred on this drive as OCS, sending everyone deep, cleared out the Orange Crush of the ‘Bohs and lumbered, like a man dragging a cart full of sundry items behind him close to the midline. One long prayer later, down the center of the field and clearly aided by the wind, OCS broke the plane of the goaline for their first TD of the game. A defensively-forced incompletion on the conversion left the score at 16-6.

Following the pride-filled drive by OCS to produce their first points of the game was a drive filled with importance. Slip-up here and you give the opponent an opening, score a TD and you gently place your foot on the throat and slowly apply pressure like Darth Vader to the Empire’s minion. Guess which option your Baltimore Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, chose… that would be Option #2.

Driving down the field with a determination that would make an extremely vicious Tyrannosaurus Rex proud, the ‘Bohs completed passes, ran the ball, and made defenders miss on their way to crossing the goaline for the third time in the half. Another conversion, the third in three tries thus far, gave the Untouchabohs a somewhat demoralizing 24-6 lead. With just a few minutes to play, though, OCS had a chance to bring the game within one TD and receive the ball to begin the second half.

Luke, the volatile QB, began the drive with not much time, and with a fleeting sense of discipline and composure, yelled at everyone on his team for not making enough catches. This non-inspiring move backfired on the QB with an ever-expanding ego as the final pass of the half fell incomplete, knocked down by Will ‘Shutdown’ Gray, and kept the score at 24-6.

Halftime brought more reinforcements, as Jake ‘All I saw were cars with softball stickers’ Brim arrived with a sheepish grin fueled by the relief that his teammates had essentially squashed the opponents in the first half. The Untouchabohs’ sheer good looks and rampant athleticism (not to mention humble nature) aided the tardy Brim in identifying his waiting teammates from afar. With a second Orange-clad team on the adjacent field his options could have been two-fold, but the athletic silhouettes against the Dundalk sky on the lower field guided him to the correct field like navigators utilizing the North Star.

The OCS drive of the second half was the most successful of the day for either team. Ironically, not having a sense of urgency actually helped the ‘Bohs, who wanted to work off a lot of clock anyway to keep the game out of reach and keep the defense agitated, angry, and aggressive. That said, OCS drove down the field in fits and starts against the defense and somehow managed to score. A failed conversion moved the game to 24-12.

The ‘Bohs’ first drive of the second half was reminiscent of a monkey attempting, unsuccessfully, to become intimate with a football for QB Hughes. Barely completing the initial two passes on the completion series the distributor of the football underthrew a wide-open Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin to the right side, then missed left on a toss to Kendall ‘That’s MY Ball’ Crawford, before, on fourth-and-mid (That’s a no-NO), completely overthrowing an uncovered Levin across the midline. It was a disappointing state of affairs for the QB who pleaded for the defense to pick him up.

Defense wins championships – if you can’t score you can’t win – and the Untouchabohs take a great deal of pride in savagely attacking the opponent’s football like a hungry Hughes after Reeces’ Pieces Mini-Easter Eggs. The defense, a symbol of malevolent tyranny for over two seasons now, only allowed a single completion to OCS receivers in four attempts. The desperate attempt on 4th-and-1 (open) was batted down like Dwight Howard playing your mother in a game of 1-on-1 by Will ‘Shutdown’ Gray. Ball back, pride intact, it was time for the offense to take the reins and stomp on some faces.

Tossing passes, feigning runs, and running, the ‘Bohs did what they needed to do. On the completion series, there were shuffle passes to a male followed by a female to convert. This was followed by another short pass to move the offense toward the midline. On second-and-mid, Hughes felt tired but a bit frisky, and rolled to his left to fake the run. As he directed receivers to run deeper routes, the defense turned their backs to the overweight Hughes (think Chunk from The Goonies) who pump-faked the gentlemanly defender that uses Just for Men – Touch of Gray (and crossed the line early, by the way) into the air… ducking beneath his attempted tackle, the QB tip-toed along the left sideline before quickly cutting upfield for the first down. Two more short completions, the first to a male and the second to a female (our Mantra if you will) produced the third first-down of the game and put the Untouchabohs into a key Scoring Series. As important as it was, third down produced a TD to a wiiiiiide open Crawford for the six points. A subsequent conversion put the sexy back into the ‘Bohs and pushed the lead to 32-12.

What ended up being the final scoring drive of the day for OCS was nothing special for the offense, but the conversion brought a beautiful play to light on the defense. With OCS having just collected their third TD of the day a play earlier, the offense attempted to toss the ball to a tall, blonde, drink of water on the right side of the end zone. The OCS QB, not paying attention to the win, failed to note that the ball would sail in that direction and tossed an errant pass to his right. Attempting to catch the ball, the OCS receiver bobbled it, almost caught it behind his back, before Gray dove and pulled it off of the hand of the receiver for the interception. BSSCPN Top 10… wow.

The last drive for the Offense is Defense; B. (ODB) offense of the Untouchabohs – a smash-mouth version of a finesse offense – didn’t last very long. Immediately after crossing the mid-line and faced with a forced gender, Our Chicks Score watched as our chicks scored again (and again, and again). With females collecting 4 (out of 4) TD’s in last week’s disgusting tie, the FemBohs scored four of the first five TDs of the day. Anastasia ‘Blue Devil’ Dolgovskij ran a crossing route from right-to-left and collected a gently-lofted pass from Hughes near the left sideline. Cutting upfield, and despite the attempts of several OCS guys off of the line, A ‘BD’ D beat everyone to the goaline for the coup de gras. The conversion, a mockery of the typically successful ‘Flood Left’ play of years past, didn’t work as too many people were in a small space and the defender batted-down the attempt. The ensuing drive was essentially called-off and the final whistle blew: Untouchabohs 38: Our Chicks Score 18.

The Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 3-0-1) take on Glen Jackson’s Catching Touchdowns and Making Babies (Team #119, Lime, 1-3) on Sunday 25 April 2010 at 3:00 pm. We will need a line judge present at 2:00 so please ensure someone shows up. Go ‘Bohs!

Potpourri:
• Washing the balls of the team helped the receivers as the only incompletions resulted from errant passes;
• The ‘Bohs scored 10 points on conversions alone in a 20 point win (amazing);
• The team with which we tied last week lost on Sunday (giving us an edge);
• On the season, the ‘Bohs have converted 68.2% (15/22) of conversions and allowed 11% (1/9);
• Average margin of victory for the Spring of 2010 is 24 points per game;
• The ‘Bohs have 22 TDs and 1 INT for the season;
• Lambert obtained the ball to start the game for the fourth-straight game (don’t cross him!);
• JD’s is a wonderful place to enjoy company after a game (since the game is at the park, let’s plan on an early dinner together at JDs on the 25th – try to make it);
• Great work everyone – what a great group of people!

Stout Defense Snatches Tie From The Clutches of Defeat

2010-04-14T16:45:00.000-04:00

Ridiculous Miracle Allows ‘The Grapes of Wrath’ to Tie Unbeaten Untouchabohs

(Aqua Iggy News) 11 April 2010 – The pass left the purple-clad quarterback’s stubby little hand less than ten yards from victory, one point that had the potential to simultaneously alter two seasons. Unfortunately for the rotund tosser there was a swarm of determined, imposing, and prideful defenders representing the Orange Crush defense of the ‘10s who would have nothing to do with such fantastic notions. Converging with a closing speed like a cheetah closing on a kill, several orange-clad defenders emphatically swatted the one-point attempt down with the mercy commensurate of a medieval master of torture.

The Untouchabohs take over the upstairs at JD's.

This was all one could ask for as a clash of two unbeaten Titans of the LFL collided on a crystal-clear day at Patterson Park Field #4 as the Grapes of Wrath (Team #111, Purple, 2-0-1) ended the game against the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 2-0-1) with a tie. Quarterback Adrian ‘I Remember That’ Hughes was muttering phrases to himself, referencing the quote that a ‘Tie is like kissing your sister,’ first uttered by Navy football coach Eddie Erdelatz after a tie with Duke in 1953(1).

Sweet-talking the official before the game provided the Home Field ‘Bohs with a slight advantage for the ‘coin toss,’ and interesting game of ‘odds-or-evens’ that the referee uses to determine the winner. Hughes, line-judging the previous game, overheard the referee mention that he always holds two fingers behind his back. This seemingly trivial piece of data was mined for all it was worth by living-legend coach Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert as he obtained possession of the ball for the third straight game. LFL authorities are looking into the matter as there is continuing concern that Coach Lambert is using some warlock-like powers or other dark magic to secure his now trademark of getting the ball to start the game despite winning or losing the coin toss.

The hot weather had a cooling effect on the typically-crisp Untouchabohs’ OD,B offense. The opening possession appeared more like a remake of ‘Drop It Like It’s Hot’ and less like the efficient completion-based offense that long-time followers of the glorious Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, typically execute. Dropping 3 of the first 8 passes put the ‘Bohs in the LFL’s second-worst position – 4th-and-mid. A clutch reception by Darian ‘My Shorts Aren’t Red Anymore’ Asghari immediately across the mid-line continued the clock-milking drive and converted the first down. Consuming several more minutes of drive-time, and overcoming several more drops, the ‘Bohs’ Lauren ‘My Husband’s Not Wearing Red Shorts So I Had a Hard Time Finding the Field’ Asghari received the tight spiral for the first score of the game. A well-run conversion put the glorious Untouchabohs ahead 8-0 after burning almost 8 minutes of clock.

Facing a team that’s clad in purple, the Orange Crush defense of the Untouchabohs faced a nemesis in a really-quick short girl (Coach Kristen Greene), a giraffe-tall ex-basketball player at the University of New Mexico (he was a talllll bitch), and a quarterback that resembled the love-child of James Gandolfini and Kal Penn (see photos below). Kumar Soprano, the quarterback and not exactly a threat to run, repeatedly looked for either the Giraffe or Greene to throw too, and typically on deeper routes. If a rematch occurs in the playoffs, this deep attack will lead to their demise as several balls were tipped and almost intercepted. The Gods must have been favoring the purple-clad monkey whores on this day… Driving down the field, and luckily converting several 4th-down situations, the antagonist ‘Grapes’ scored a TD. Excellent defense by Keith ‘I’ll Pick You Off’ Levin terminated the conversion with an interception to keep the ‘Bohs ahead 8-6.

James Galdolfini

Kal Penn

Working the clock like a newborn working a bottle, the Bohs’ offense continued dropping passes, but the rhythm was improving. Gliding down the dusty field like farmers working the dust bowl conditions of the 1930s, the OD,B milked several more minutes of clock. Despite the sputtering nature of the drive, key passes to BSSC rookie Jake Brim and short completions to the ‘Bohs’ Beauties (thanks Bob Barker) culminated in a touchdown to Danielle ‘Doctor’ Madison. The conversion attempt was dropped by the Untouchabohs’ receiver on a low throw from Hughes that barely eluded the grape-colored defender and left the ‘Bohs ahead 14-6.

With the offense milking the clock like a farmer with a prized cow, the Untouchabohs’ defense, 17 people strong, was deep, fresh, and angry. Swarming with a purpose that would make killer bees proud, the Untouchabohs Orange Crush defense ceased the ‘Grapes’ momentum. With a fierce tackle with BSSC rookie Emily ‘My Bite is Worse Than My’ Burke setting the tone early in the drive, the ferocity was also present with Anastasia ‘Blue Devil’ Dolgovskij jumping a route to get a full hand on the quarterback’s ball (tee hee hee). The defense forced an incompletion on 4th down just inside Untouchabohs’ territory and the astute male Asghari called a timeout.

With about 7 seconds left, and time for one play, the ‘Bohs called a play that would have made Hannibal Smith proud. Screaming off of the line like jets from an aircraft carrier, the ‘Bohs’ receivers worked the purple zone and a 35-yard attempt was heaved to the open Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne in the end zone. Layne was violated from behind by the ‘Grapes’ defender like a stuffing-filled turkey at Thanksgiving in a valiant effort that left Layne dirty for an Untouchabohs’ team record 14 straight games. A BSSCPN representative on-hand to write a story about the oft-soiled ‘Bohs player is doing a piece on the Top-10 BSSC records that will never be broken. Layne will have another opportunity next week to add to his historic streak.

Halftime brought a reprieve from the heat as the swarming Orange Crush defense was sweating like a bunch of naughty criminals surrounded by the police. Munching on trail mix, Gatorade, and inspired by the inspirational barks of Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari (the bike-dog for those of you new to the team) the ‘Bohs prepared for an important second half. Defense wins championships, and the Orange Crush was going to need to keep up the intensity to keep this game in favor of the protagonist Untouchabohs. Conversions in the second half are key and would determine the fate of the game.

The ‘Grapes’ started with the ball and the wind in the second half, but due to the conversion lines being poorly spaced, the conversions for the ‘Grapes’ would be slightly more difficult in that direction. For those scoring at home, driving to the western side of the field required a 7-yard 1-pt PAT and a 12-yard 2-pt PAT versus driving to the eastern portion of the field with 4 and 8 yard conversion distances, respectively.

Continuing the trend of deep passes, Kumar Soprano the quarterback continually found miracle throws working their way into the hands of receivers. Ugly in execution, but successful in nature, the ‘Grapes’ converted another 4th-and-mid to keep a drive alive. Continuing to toss passes to the Giraffe and the slut-coach with the rolled-up-sleeves, Team #111 found themselves in scoring range. Converting a 4th-and-goal from about one John Holmes-length left the score at 14-12. The ensuing conversion was good for the evil doers, and the game was tied at 14 apiece.

The tempo of the drives improved in the second half. Moving down the field and working the clock with a deft touch on the short passes the OD,B offense was workin’ it! Without ever facing a 4th down situation, the first long drive of the game not to have that distinction, the QB completed a pass to Lauren Asghari for the score. Score, check. Time run off of the clock, check. Failed conversion – dern’it – check. The score had advanced one more time and now stood at 20-12.

The Grapes’ offense never found a rhythm all game against the ‘Bohs though it always seemed to find a way to move the ball. Considering their 5-3 record last year and their advancement into the playoffs it would need to be stated that they are luckier than they are good. Their offense appears to lack the concept of the offensive game, one that Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren instills, but overcomes the lack of understanding by making one lucky pass per drive. This doesn’t succeed in the playoffs, and will never succeed again if the rematch occurs. That said, the ‘Grape Apes’ got lucky enough to score and convert to bring the game to a 20-to-20 tie with about four minutes remaining.

Knowing what to do, the ‘Silver’ series of the Untouchabohs made it onto the field for what was supposed to be a game-winning drive. Milking the clock with short and intermediate passes, none of which were ever even close to being tipped, the ‘Bohs moved into scoring range yet again. Working the clock down, deeper and deeper… slowly, deeper and deeper (think Office Space people), the ‘Bohs hypnotized the Grapes into a light sleep and scored with just over 20 seconds remaining in the game. The conversion was apparently good when Kendall ‘MY Ball’ Crawford dove across the back of the end-zone to make an almost BSSCPN Top-10 Play, but the conversion was overturned when the referee incorrectly thought Crawford stepped out-of-bounds then caught the pass. The score moved to 26-20 and, magically, the offense had about 20 seconds remaining.

It was down to their lumbering baboon of a quarterback versus the Orange Crush defense. Fate had to be on the ‘Bohs side – they had done everything right all game. Forcing incompletions on the first two attempts of the drive put the Grapes of Wrath behind the Eight-Boh. Unfortunately, the STD-laden captain ran a deep route and the quarterback threw a lucky deep ball. Catching the ball while being tagged by the defender, the referee ruled that control had not been obtained until after the ‘tackle’ and therefore did not count, the Grape Whore ran into the end zone for the tying score. The attempted one-point conversion was the difference between an Untouchabohs’ loss or a tie.

Taking the snap, the Grape Ape QB quickly saw a crossing route to the Giraffe get snuffed-out by several hard-working ‘Bohs defenders. He then looked across to his left to see Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin covering his man with no hope of a completion. The ‘Bohs Beauties shut down any opportunity to toss the ball to a player with two ‘X’ chromosomes. It was at this moment, the “Five-Count” that pressure was immediately applied and forced the waddling tub-of-grape to heave a ‘duck’ toward the center of the end zone. Angrily, and with purpose, the orange-clad Orange Crush swatted the ball to the ground to preserve the tie and return the ball to the offense with about 14 seconds to play.

The only humerous moment of the game occurred on this ‘Bohs drive. With all but one of the Grapes’ defenders outside of the end zone Darian Asghari muttered ‘Do you want to run this across the midline?’ The lone ‘rusher’ for the Grapes turned and yelled to her teammates that there was ‘a chance he will run.’ Taking full advantage of her turning around, Hughes alertly called for the snap of the ball and ran right by the defender, only belatedly aware of how her lack of attention benefitted the ‘Bohs. Hughes was able to run from his own 10 yard line to about the opponent’s 20 yard line, a significant 30-yard scamper, before running out of bounds. One play remained to gain victory.

It wasn’t in the cards, as the ‘Bohs’ receivers were well covered at that distance, and the pass to the left corner of the end zone harmlessly fell incomplete. A valiant effort, it was not valiant enough and the ‘Bohs settled for an unsatisfying tie.

Next, the Untouchabohs take on Our Chicks Score (Team #112, Irish Green, 1-2) at high NOON on Dundalk Community College Field #2. Make no mistake about this team, they were 7-1 last season and have all of their players returning this season. As a Daisy Yellow team in the fall, they were the host of the second playoff game that the Untouchabohs played and kept the game close until a late turnover by Kendall ‘I told you that’s MY ball’ Crawford sealed the deal. Having two losses already this season means they are desperate for a victory, and they desperately want to savor victory over the Untouchabohs.

We will not allow that to happen...

Potpourri:

Hughes washed all 3 balls at home to remove the dust and the stench of the non-win;
All TD’s were to those with two ‘X’ chromosomes;
3 failed PATs was the difference today;
The square sported a guy on a motorcycle with a skeleton as a second rider (DA mentioned that was one bad divorce);
The square also hosted a guy who kept trying to start fights with everyone around him – dumbass;
A scary moment occurred when Will ‘Shutdown’ Grey was struck on the head and laid on the field for a few moments (get better Will, we need you);
Hughes saw the guy at Looney’s who tipped a 4th-and-1 attempt to Keith on PHS #5 last season (they were 6-0 before they played us, and 6-1 afterwards);
The black team on the field before us was the team that lost on a tipped Hail-Mary at Holabird 2 prior to our previous game;
‘Bohs’ QBs have 16 TDs and 1 INT (Week 2 on a tip...);
Conversions for the season are 10/16;
Lambert obtained the ball to start the game for the third consecutive time this season.

(1) American Dialect Society listserv message, Nov. 26, 2002, http://listserv.linguistlist.org/cgi-bin/wa?A2=ind0211d&L=ads-l&D=0&P=7866

O’s and ‘Bohs Synergistic in Name Only

2010-04-08T11:06:00.000-04:00

(Aqua Iggy News) 8 April 2010 – Clad in orange, playing in Baltimore in the spring, and enjoying the unseasonably beautiful weather. These similarities may make you wonder if the Baltimore Orioles and the Baltimore Untouchabohs are pretty much birds of a feather… but you would be DEAD WRONG. The apparent likeness between the Baltimore Orioles and the Baltimore Untouchabohs are truly only uniform-deep.

The surficial similarities between last season’s ‘Bohs (Team #130, Purple, 7-1) and the Baltimore Ravens (Team #7, Purple, 9-7) appeared more than just coincidental after each team started the season 3-0. Fantasy gave way to reality as the ‘Bohs kept defeating stout competition and the Ravens suffered a mid-season swoon. Oh ye Gods, how thou taunteth thee.

Unfortunately for the professional version of the aforementioned Baltimore sports team (the O’s, Hon!), they haven’t had a winning season since 1997. Yup, that’s the same 1997 that yielded children that are now graduating from high school (pending academic eligibility) this year. The same children that were biologically produced as Ravens fans and have had a professional football team their entire lifetime. Though Cleveland, OH is the ‘Mistake by the Lake’ the Peter Angelos-owned Orioles are becoming the ‘Losing Way by the Cheseapeake Bay.’ The most successful Major League Baseball franchise from 1966 through 1984, yup, a dynasty, has given way to a dynasty of another kind.

But Alas! There’s hope! Hope comes in many forms, and this spring hope arrives in the form of the Baltimore Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 2-0). Orange-clad in uniform, but sporting hearts of sheer blackness, work-week aggression and pain are torrentially unleashed on a variety of Less Filling League (LFL) opponents. This true lack of similarity between teams is important as this lack of a scientific connection between the poorly-run O’s and the well-run ‘Bohs prevents the Orioles from providing a harbinger of doom on the ‘Bohs promising season.

The Untochabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, will need to wrangle their focus like a cowboy wrangling a calf in order to defeat the undefeated The Grapes of Wrath (Team #111, Purple, 2-0). Kristen Greene’s team made it to the playoffs last season as another purple-clad 5-3 team but posted victories in the first three rounds prior to being defeated by 2009 Fall LFL Champion Jerry Knauer’s Fear The Purple (Team #38, Purple, 2-0).

Your ‘Bohs will host an almost full cast of players this week at Patterson High Field #4 despite the absences of Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren and Lexi ‘Special’ K., and the unknown status of newcomer Emily Burke & Kendall Crawford. Adding talent, looks, and depth to an already talented and beautiful cast of characters will be Jacob Brim & Anastasia ‘Finger’ Dolgovskij. Also back at full strength will be Susan Kettlewell, returning from the religious bye-week strong after an illness kept her from participating in the squashing of the overmatched Tummy Stick Enthusiasts on Holabird Two.

Hopefully the ‘Bohs will be able to inspire the Orioles to win on Opening Day the way that Ben Roethlisberger is inspired by the leftovers from Under 21, Female Only, Flip-Cup Tournaments….

Orange Crush Demoralizes Tummy Stick Enthusiasts

2010-03-29T15:13:00.000-04:00

Team Considers Name Change to Tummy Stick Curmudgeons After Savage 49-0 Beating

(Aqua Iggy News) 29 March 2010 – On a relatively flat quagmire in the lowlands of Dundalk, Merlin Hon, a swarm of ferocious orange Untouchabohs (Team #124, 2-0, Orange) neutered the rookie Tummy Stick Enthusiasts (Team #109, 0-2, Daisy) in front of an announced crowd of zero and in the shadows of a possible chemical refinery and Donna’s Lounge. Putting up the resistance of a moist paper towel, the fledgling Daisy Yellow franchise was butchered like a prized hog, 49-0.

The warlock-like powers of Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert continued to mystify and amaze the universe as he somehow, while losing the coin toss, managed to get the ball to start the game and secure the beneficial second-half wind. Oh, ye Gods how you’ve blessed thee. Following the orange puck used to demarcate the line of scrimmage, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, managed to muster a delicate yet satisfactory drive climaxed by a long catch-and-run-on-a-forced-gender-on-the-first-scoring-series-play to Danielle ‘You Ain’t Catchin’ Me’ Madison. Another failed conversion, a pervasive and continuing issue from last year, placed the scorecards at 6-0 in favor of the ‘Bohs.

The initial possession of Tummy Stick Enthusiasts (TSE) was nothing short of a cataclysmic wave of despair. The quarterback, a sweaty and hairy combination of man and gummy bear, led the TSE quickly into the evil clutches of a turnover. Tossing a ‘Hot Dog’ (for BSSC virgins, that’s an NFL-sized football) in wet conditions to the right side of the field, and not taking into account the 10-15 mph winds blowing from the SSE, the ball sailed into the awaiting, and supple, hands of Darian ‘Wait for It’ Asghari, All-Pro safety of the BSSC Less-Filling League (LFL). Oh how the BSSC rookies mocked the Gods by throwing a Hot Dog in wet conditions. Vengeance will surely be in the plans of the Gods…

The second drive of the game was filled with defensive frustration by the Gummy Human as he made tackles on two consecutive completions. The first tackle, in which he was rounding second base and trying for third, was more fondling and less two-hand-touch-tackling of Madison. The subsequent tackle of Jonny ‘Pins In My Finger, Pants on the Ground’ Layne was less like a two-hand-touch and more like a man-crush hug with Gummy Human’s man-boobs caressing the visibly offended, and mildly disgusted, Layne. Undeterred, the ‘Bohs scored to extend their lead to 12-0.

The most potent offensive weapon for TSE was a short brunette dude with white Reebok® gloves. Unknown throughout the league due to the teams’ rookie status, and that he wasn’t kind enough to furnish the writer with a biographical history, little is known about the short brunette dude (SBD). After failing to gain one completion on its first three downs of their initial completion series, TSE was forced to punt. Oh how ye disgraced the Gods by punting in BSSC! Still, the SBD punted the ball the entire length of the field to ‘pin’ the ‘Bohs on their 10-yard line.

The ‘Bohs QB, Adrian ‘Coffee Coffee Coffee’ Hughes used several runs to the left against the bizarre and entirely unintimidating defense of the TSE. This milked the clock (Insert visual of Coach Lambert) against the first half wind and moved the offense into the Red Zone. Of course, in the BSSC, the entire field is the red zone, but work with me here, people. Driving again, a TD to Kendall ‘White Gloves’ Crawford, a tribute to Billy ‘White Shoes’ Johnson, and another failed conversion, put the magnificent ‘Bohs up by a daunting 18-0 tally.

The ‘Bohs milked the clock with a precision and efficiency that is replicated by Swiss clockmakers and celestial orbits. The TSE was now faced with only a few tens-of–seconds to break their scoring drought and put them back in the game. Lest it go unnoticed, if they had scored and converted, they would have been behind 18-8 and would get the ball at the start of the half… impotent as they were, you can’t pull your foot off of the throat of an opponent until the referee blows the final whistle. Unfortunately for TSE, they were going against a defense which is so stout it makes the Hoover Dam jealous, and the half ended at 18-0.

Defense wins championships, and the Untouchabohs’ man-to-man defense is unparalleled in the Less-Filling-League (LFL). Newly anointed as the ‘Orange Crush’ of the 2010’s by BSSCPN, paying homage to the 1970’s Denver Broncos’ defense, the ‘Bohs blend teeth-gnashing grit with a grace and athleticism that has been known to make Himalayan Monks weep tears of joy. Resplendent to watch as a fan, it is equally torturous to face, and all parties eventually succumb like a victim receiving the fatal dose of cobra toxin.

Halftime was a time of recollection of things that could have gone wrong in the first half, and an opportunity to right the conversion woes of the last 13 games. Designing a play for the conversion in preparation for the top-tier teams on the horizon would prove a valuable change to the ‘Bohs offense in the second half.

The second half for TSE much resembled the first half. Unable to muster any type of rhythm, the Gummy Human (GH) heaved his second pick of the game. Mentally scarred, like a child accidentally seeing an aged person naked, from the first interception to the right side of the field, GH heaved the ball into the suave and quaking hands of Bruce ‘Lefty’ McMillion. Back on the field, the OD,B (Offense is Defense, Bitch) was in full command, milking the clock, chasin’ some papah, and completing passes. Scoring on another forced gender, the ‘Bohs converted the PAT to move to 26-0.

Mustering something of a ‘drive,’ against the wind, a deep completion to the right side of the field by the TSE’s SBD put them on the scoring side of the midline. A key deflection was made by Lindsay ‘Leopard’s’ Spotts (who also caught her first score of the season) and put TSE into a 4th-down situation. Chasing a hope of scoring like a delusional puppy chasing its tail TSE was behind the eight-ball. Timing his blitz perfectly on the count of five, Darian ‘Diving’ Asghari left his feet, in a dive so graceful that videos have been sent to restructure the entire concept of Yoga, and sacked the Gummy Human quarterback. Kudos to the entire defensive team, as GH didn’t have one receiver with an inch of free space.

Last season, ‘Bohs QBs only tallied one INT, a desperation heave in Week 5 against then unbeaten Charm City Blitz (Team #104, 0-2, Daisy) immediately prior to halftime. The goal was to toss exactly zero picks all year (well, duh, not like anyone wants to throw a pick…) and that goal was defeated when a forced gender on a midline series was deflected behind the ‘Bohs receiver and into the attractive arms of a statuesque daisy yellow-clad female. Stunned by her change-of-fortune, the daisy-yellow female stood motionless before getting tag-team-tackled simultaneously by Madison and the Female (Lauren) Asghari.

Angry at the change of events, the defense tightened like a boa-constrictor placing the appropriately-allocated 30 psi on the artery of its hapless victim. Forcing yet another turnover on downs to keep the shutout alive, the Bohs’ offense regained possession and executed another touchdown drive. Calling the play at the line-of-scrimmage (LOS) with the key receivers, the two-point conversion was successful to turn this contest into a 34-0 laugher.

When a team is up by 18 points, the clock doesn’t stop, but that doesn’t mean that the heartbeat of the defense ceases its incessant and powerful drum-like cadence. Forcing yet another turnover on downs, the previous series was rinsed, and repeated, and a few quick completions by the ‘Bohs offense, purring like a catnip-laden kitten having its naughty-bits caressed, scored and converted with cold-blooded efficiency. Congrats go to Cliff Boan, a BSSC rookie, and his first LFL reception. The game has now turned ugly with a 42-0 score and 4 minutes remaining.

Calling off the dogs has been an issue in the last three regular season games for the Untouchabohs, who have outscored those opponents by a combined 139-34. Granted, two of the games have been 7-on-8 in favor of the benevolent ‘Bohs, but the game must still be played. Against the nature of the fierce ‘Bohs defenders, it is difficult to remove the foot from the throat of the opponent despite the outcome being beyond doubt. Also, we must remember that we played a 3-0, 4-0, 5-0, and 6-0 team last year and, in all but the case of the 5-0 Mustangs (Team #132, 2-0, Military Green in 2010) gave them their first or only defeat of the season.

The coup de gras came in the form of Jonny ‘Ligament’ Layne, who jumped a simplistic (and rounded) route by a TSE receiver. Layne intercepted the ball and glided along the left sideline toward paydirt. Clean for the first time in 12 games, Layne’s dream for staying clean was thwarted as the Gummy Human quarterback, taking out years of frustration at his own lack of athletic efficacy on the graceful Layne, dove at the ankles of the now-dirty (13 straight games) ‘Bohs interceptor. With 100 seconds remaining, the ‘Bohs ran out the clock by scoring a final touchdown and going for a one-point PAT, in an unusual way.

Hughes, taking the snap on the conversion, ran toward the midfield line. After 10 or 20 seconds elapsed, the helpless daisy team blitzed a defender to force the play’s completion. Stepping up to his right, chest out like an angry bobblehead, the QB spun to this right, looped around to his left, and, while the daisy team had sent a second defender to attack the scrambling signal-caller, Hughes identified his target. Keith ‘I Work to Get Open’ Levin worked his way across the defensive front to receive a no-look toss from the laser-throwing Hughes in the one location that only the receiver could grapple the perfect spiral. BSSCPN has already ranked the PAT as a Top 10 nominee of the week. Other Top 10 nominees include the diving sack by Asghari, the tipped interception by the wide-eyed daisy yellow defender, and the catch-and-run by Madison. The play of the day though occurred in the 1 p.m. game when a tipped Hail Mary was deflected to a receiver crossing the field to give the Red team a touchdown, and a two point win as time expired. At the time of the pass, they were trailing by four points – further proving the importance of PAT conversions.

Kudos to all of the Untouchabohs. Highlights definitely include the sheer childish joy from watching Kendall’s kids play in the park; that Keith and Lauren are settling on their first home today (29 March); the continued engagement of Lexi K.; and to the grace and sportsmanlike demeanor the ‘Bohs exhibited while drubbing a hapless group of people in yellow. It was definitely the brightest showdown of the day at Holabird 2, where hopping the fence was the best way to avoid 4 inches of water and mud in order to access the field.

Next up is the only potential battle of the undefeated teams that the Untouchabohs’ may face this year as Kristin Greene’s The Grapes of Wrath (Team #111, 2-0, Purple) face off at Patterson Park Field #4 @ 3:00 pm, 11 April 2010. The first major test for the ‘Bohs will require attendance, focus, and determination against a team that, last fall, recorded a 6-2 record and won three rounds in the playoffs before being dispatched by the eventual Fall 2009 LFL Champion Fear the Purple. A matchup to be taken quite seriously toward the eventual goal of LFL domination.

Potpourri: We found Holabird, but I’d rather play in Patterson Park; The ‘Bohs were 4/7 on conversions; The Orange Crush D forced turnovers or failed to allow a score on 7 total drives, amazing; Keith and Lauren settle on a house today, congrats! Jonny Layne’s near pick-6 would have been fantastic – but he was illegally tackled; The field was more like a quagmire, though the slow tracks benefit the ‘mudder’ ‘Bohs; The ‘Bohs overcame their first turnover of the season; The Orange Crush has forced 5 ints and the offense has only countered with one; Boh's QBs have 12 TD to 1 INT; Untouchabohs have outscored opponents 89-12 this season; Coach Lambert’s uncanny talent related to the coin toss is eerie; Happy Spring Religious Week!

Team STM SToMped by Insanely Aggressive Orange Crush Version of Untouchabohs

2010-03-21T22:29:00.000-04:00

Suffocating Defense Defeats Shorthanded and Self-Destructing Team

(Disassociated Press) 21 March 2010 – A Baltimore City high school was the scene of a 40-12 trouncing of a shorthanded Team STM (Team #142, Black, 2-6 in 2009) on the day immediately following the 2010 Vernal Equinox. The Spring 2010 version of the Untouchabohs fielded a team that was so dominant that the referee gave the opponents a touchdown on a ball picked up off of the ground and called the game with almost 8 minutes remaining.

Coach Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert, entering his fourth season as coach of the Baltimore Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 1-0) manipulated the forces that control the universe to assert dominance of the ‘coin toss’ (a tricky game involving odd or even numbers of fingers) to obtain both possession and the direction desired by the team. Oh how does he control ethereal forces that determine such trifling details?

Patterson High School Field #5 has been a home field of sorts for the ‘Bohs. Playing several key games over the years, including their second career playoff victory over Week 4/18 opponent Our Chicks Score, it has yielded victories, losses, and magical memories. All present in the spring of 2009 will forever remember the ‘I’m Open’ play with Johnny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne screaming, “I’m Open!” from 20 yards outside of the southeastern end zone. Alas, vindication was Mr. Layne’s as the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, methodically drove down the field and executed the first touchdown reception of the year. A forced-gender conversion to Lexi K. placed the ‘Bohs ahead by a magical 8-0 score.
The initial possession by the shorthanded Team STM was nothing more than a BSSC disaster. Defense wins championships, and the Untouchabohs know a thing or two about the dominance that a man-to-man defense facilitates. Following in the footsteps of the 1970s Broncos’ ‘Orange Crush’ defense, the Untouchabohs’ Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray engineered a pick on 4th-and-mid to turn the lame duck quarterback over for the first time.

Starting just inside of the midline, the methodical ODB offense of the Untouchabohs (that’s Offense Is Defense, Bitch) milked another 4 minutes off of the clock. The second offensive drive of the game culminated with a beautiful combination route between Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin (the decoy who drew all of the coverage) and Angelo ‘Offensive BSSC Rookie of the Year’ Rivera who ran a beautiful corner route (an ‘8’ with our new route tree) for the easy touchdown. Another quick conversion to Lexi K. cemented the score at a comfortable 16-0.

Catastrophic consequences are dealt to those whose pores yield consumable quantities of Goldschlager. Obviously intoxicated, the red-headed step-child of a quarterback decided to force their team into another 4th-and-1 situation – one of the known Cardinal Sins of BSSC Two-Hand Third-Tier Coed Football. Instead of gaining a quick completion by running dual drag routes against a man-to-man defense the beleaguered bastard threw a 30 yard pass to a receiver who most aptly resembled Shaggy from Scooby-Do lore. Unfortunately for him, the key play of the possession of the drive was made by Kendall ‘The Human Turnover’ Crawford who deftly removed the tipped ball from the scapula of Shaggy the Receiver. Forcefully ripping the ball from Shaggy before falling to the ground cemented the fate of ‘Red’ and the ‘Bohs offense took the field one more time.

Three possessions in a half is a wondrous, and rare, scenario in BSSCistory. For the ‘Bohs, this drive was of paramount importance since a lead of 4 points is typically enough to drive home the victory. Showing a magnificent display of timesharing, Untouchabohs’ receivers willfully exchanged themselves and almost every Untouchabohs’ rookie touched the ball at some point during the game. Kudos to a team filled with wondrous individuals and an even better collective.

The third drive of the game, slow in pace, methodical in approach, and successful in execution gave the ‘Bohs their third touchdown of the half. Immediately prior to the tuddy, the rust of the offseason was apparent as Levin broke from right to left across the back of the endzone and tipped an errant Hughes pass. The timing will improve and that play will be successful in the future. The subsequent play, a second receiving TD of the game to Angelo ‘Rookie’ Rivera, displayed a deft sense of how to break a route off when crossing the goal line. A quick release followed by two hands fondling a Wilson put the ‘Bohs ahead by 22. Of special note, the conversion exhibited the timing that was previously lacking between last season’s leading receiver (Levin) and Hughes, who tossed the ball with a great deal of velocity while Levin was still turning around. The defense was helpless to stop the offensive juggernaut (who had 2 extra people, granted) who gained a 24-0 lead with time remaining in the first half.

Fireworks were about to fly, and it wasn’t because the new orange jerseys of the Untouchabohs somewhat resemble an angry rash. Team STM, immediately after crossing the midline for the first time in the game, crumbled like a Chinese building with hollow footers. On a forced gender (FG henceforth), the quarterback intentionally grounded the ball at the feet of Danielle ‘Doctor’ Madison. But wait! There’s More! The referee, a kind and somewhat confused soul, in an attempt to soften the beating the Orange Crush was administering with unyielding malice, declared that the pass was simply incomplete. Hughes, an ardent antagonist on the sideline, questioned the quarterback surreptitiously about his questionable incompletion. Audibly, Red the Quarterback stated that ‘I threw it at her feet.’ The referee gave the intoxicated ball thrower another opportunity to retract his statement but ‘Red’ didn’t get the hint. A comical series of events culminated in ‘Red’ repeating his previous statement upon which referee ‘Jovial Joe’ regretfully tossed the yellow hankie for an intentional grounding penalty.

Coach of Team STM, Ellen Piwko, began to lose all of the remaining portions of her mind that existed at the start of the game. With one of her 6 male players already on the sideline with a broken toe, she benched Red the Quarterback and sent him home (with the ball nonetheless). With halftime now at hand, the insane coach approached Hughes with a desperate plea – please call off the dogs!

Lessons were previously learned during a 7 November 2009 shellacking of Go Deep in which the Untouchabohs put a 50-spot during another 7-on-8 situation. During that time the ‘Bohs quarterback determined that the dogs must be called off at halftime if the game was effectively out of reach of the opponent (See Blog entry for that game – the note at the end). Unilaterally, a decision was made to move to a zone in the second half and exhibit the sportsmanship that is more prevalent with the Untouchabohs than it is with any other team in the league. Note: In the future, we will vote on such moves as a team as it affects all of us.

Borrowing, and playing with, one of Adrian’s many balls, Team STM started the second half and, with the help of several questionable calls by the official, scored their first TD of the game. A failed PAT later; the score had closed to 24-6.

The second half of the game, a snoozer by all witness accounts, was uneventful at best. Bystanders were seen falling asleep at the Beer, crying due to ennui (aka ‘bored to tears), or inspecting Jonny Layne’s insanely mangled finger (Sorry!). With two more touchdowns, 5 on the day, and another forced turnover on defense, the ‘Bohs extended their lead to 40-6. With the final questionable call of the game giving Team STM a touchdown on a ball that was SITTING on the ground, followed by a failed conversion, Darian ‘The Persian Subversion’ convinced the referee to call the game with over 8 minutes remaining.

Next up for the Untouchabohs is the naughtily-named, and Daisy-Yellow adorned, Tummy Stick Enthusiasts (Team #109, Daisy, 7-1 in Fall 2009) who host the Untouchabohs on Sunday, 28 March 2010 at 2:00 pm at Holabird Field #2. Another strong showing will be required to defeat a team who made the Fall 2009 playoffs.

Potpourri: Where the hell is Holabird? Tim Lambert is now 1-0 in finger guessing; the ‘Bohs were 5/5 in conversions after averaging a 42% conversion rate last season; the Orange Crush defense forced 4 turnovers including a possession that ended due to the end of the first half; PHS Field 5 was in stable condition after historically resembling a medieval quagmire; the nameless referee let us know that he sucked prior to kickoff by explaining he refs 7 leagues and gets the rules confused; the referee of the game prior to ours was defeated in Week 7 last year by 2 points and holds a fierce grudge; we seriously need to vote on a team logo.

Wins of Many Varieties Define Sensational Season

2009-12-23T13:54:00.000-05:00

Blizzard Reminiscent of Untouchabohs’ Blizzard-like Defense

(Disassociated Press) 19 December 2009 – The Fall 2009 season treated your glorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Black, Seed 10, 9-2) to a season-record of wins, touchdowns, five-hour energy bottles, and JD’s-amplified camaraderie. The blizzard befalling Baltimore this past weekend reminded opponents of their battles with the Bohs and is a harbinger of things to come for opponents in the Spring-2010 season. Though a loss to a well-dressed purple team in the playoffs ended their season in an untimely manner, the integrity and intensity of the Untouchabohs will live on through the annals of BSSCistory.

The Fall-2009 season featured an amazing number of spectacular plays, many of which received Top-10 status on BSSCPN, the official network of the BSSC. As previously reported, Neel’s catch, several defensive interceptions by Chris ‘Full’ Nelson, a key playoff pick by Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari (remember the toe-tapping sideline catch against the obnoxious powder-blue team!), and that one play where Adrian ‘Iggy’ Hughes ran around in circles all earned weekly Top-10 honors and are up for the annual BSSCY (similar to an ESPY) awards to be handed out in January 2010. Every Bohs’ player scored or threw a TD or a conversion this season, also a new team record.

Torrential rains dominated the climate this fall like the Untouchabohs’ defense dominated their opponents; implementing their relatively unique man-to-man defense with a single-high safety to perfection. The Untouchabohs, ‘mudders’ in horse racing terminology, consistently wore cleats to gain traction and wear down the opponents’ defense like a river wears down mile-high mountain ranges. Though the field conditions were the same for both teams, the Untouchabohs managed the game more appropriately and properly prepared for the conditions. Utilizing a derivative of a ‘hording’ gene, Hughes typically deploys a minimum of four footballs per game – and when a towel is used in conjunction with several balls – the Bohs need only play with clean balls.

In the franchise’s initial playoff appearance, your vainglorious Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, showed up to play. With an almost full complement of players the Bohs were able to implement their man-to-man defense with reckless abandon and forced three turnovers against a relatively toothless green team who never seemed to get on track on offense. Despite playing in a quagmire that would make the everglades proud, the Untouchabohs’ offense methodically marched down Patterson High Field 4 while taking excellent care of the ball and respecting the conditions that nature provided.

Such preparation and acclimation to the ambient conditions culminated in a team-driven, emphatic, and emotional victory over Hungover by Halftime (Team #115, Irish Green, Seed 23, 6-2 (now 6-3)), whose performance was flat like watered-down coke in a condensate-laden glass on a warm day. Facing a much tougher opponent whose game was much sharper, the 10-seed Untouchabohs faced Our Chicks Score with Your Mom (Team 124, Daisy, Seed 7, 8-1 (now 8-2)) on Patterson High Field #5 – familiar stomping grounds for your magnificent team.

Untouchabohs’ quarterbacks prior to the second playoff game had thrown 47 touchdowns and only one interception – the last interception coming in Week 2 of the season (9/19/2009). This streak of pick-free games came to an end with nifty defensive coverage that baited the QB into an interception – one that will never happen again. Undaunted, the Untouchabohs’ defense rose to the occasion, like magma angrily rising through a volcano, and turned the momentum in favor of the Bohs. Conversions still haunt the Bohs’ offense so a great deal of effort and progress will need to be made this offseason to rectify the shortcomings. The final coup de grace was a desperation heave by the mentally unraveling QB on a gender play intercepted by the female Asghari. Win #2 of the day and the Bohs were off with their ninth win of the season against only one loss.

After a lengthy break of several hours, the Untouchabohs, newly assuming the 7th Seed, returned in the Round of 8 to face Jerry Knauer’s Fear the Purple (Team #127, Purple, Seed 2, 6-2 (8-2)). In a game that was fought to the bitter end, the Untouchabohs finally ran out of steam despite a rejuvenating kick provided by a new team sponsor, 5-Hour Energy®.

This game was the toughest game of the season for your protagonist Bohs as the opponent featured an ultra-fast female with hands and a giraffe-esque male. The game culminated with an intense series of events that had the evil purple team ahead by 2 over the glorious purple… the Untouchabohs, just turning the ball over with 2 incompletions on the previous possession left FTP with the ball just inside the Untouchabohs’ half of the field. Stepping up, the stout man/woman-man/woman defense that the Untouchabohs purvey perplexed FTP (heretofore referred to as the team-of-destiny) and forced another turnover with just under two minutes to play.

The Bohs’ fortunes ran out of steam, however, and calamity struck. On a 3rd-down pass, after two successive drops would have given the Untouchabohs a first-down inside enemy territory, a sack of the quarterback via two-hands on the QB’s arm, was overturned and the fluttering ball fell into the hands of the ultra-fast female (who may have sported a ‘dangler’ if you know what I mean…). Due to the lack of instant replay on a field with deteriorating light conditions, the call was not overturned, and the Untouchabohs’ season came to an unsettling close.

As more of a prologue, it should be noted that the team-of-destiny won 5 consecutive playoff games and won the Less-Filling Division of the Extreme-Social Conference. If the Untouchabohs are going to lose a game, let it be to the eventual champion. This is also a testament to how talented we truly are when we play as a team. This season was magnificently successful and boasted a great deal of wins on the field as well as off the field.

Congratulations to the newly married (Will and Katrina), newly engaged (Keith and Lauren), the promoted (Bruce, Chris), those moving (Lindsey), and to everyone who found time to show up and hopefully have a great time. Special thanks go to the ‘Mad Dog’ Tim Lambert who consistently ensures that we are all aware of the games and their locations while typically fronting a decent amount of cash for those of us who pay a little bit after the deadline. In addition, he has scissors that possess the ability to cut through t-shirt fabric and keep Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin sleeveless (which all of the ladies love!).

Thanks so much to the new additions who definitely all impacted games this season: Stephanie ‘Biscotti’ Binetti (4 catches on PP Field 4), Kendall ‘Touchdown’ Crawford (great catch in that last game!), The Iron Maiden Hayden (get yo’ neck fixed), and Alexis ‘Lexi’ Kousouris (great TD on 4th down this year). Without you we would not have enjoyed the degree of success that we earned. Additionally, we all miss our newly promoted and recently departed Chris ‘Full’ Nelson. Congrats to you and your (expanding) family down in Tampa – we’ll all see you in January when we have a reunion that happens to coincide with winter in Baltimore!

Potpourri: Several Untouchabohs were able to fill-in with players on Our Chicks Score With Your Mom and Hebrew Nationals in the Santa Claus Anonymous games (12/12/09); During the second game, Hughes faced a nemesis which extracted 5 INTs from him in his second game quarterbacking ever (LK2, Spring 2008, They were yellow and they are still very arrogant); Bohs’ QBs finished the season with 56 TDs and 3 INTs; Defensively, the Bohs’ allowed an average of 26 ppg and forced a turnover on almost 40% of drives (this includes keeping a team from scoring at the end of a half); Offensively, the Bohs’ scored on 87.7% of drives (averaging 35 ppg); We will beat Fear the Purple next year; The first ‘post’ of this blog took place in March 2009 and is available on the website; I appreciate the time that I get to spend with all of you and I look forward to getting together in Jan or Feb to reunite the team; we need to come up with a name for our defensive and offensive schemes…

Misty Day Brings Misty Eyes for Boh-Battered Finger Blasters

2009-11-24T15:32:00.000-05:00

(Disassociated Press) 12 September 2009 – A valiant swarm of purple defensive dominance squelched a near offensive rebellion today in Baltimore thought the cast was notyour 2009 Baltimore Ravens. Nay, it was a much more intimidating landscape as the Baltimore Untouchabohs (Team 130, Purple, 1-0) soundly molested the Finger Blasters (Team 141, Red, 0-1) 46-26 on Patterson Park Field #4.

The delivery-of-destruction on Team 141 was inspired by the foul music and misty weather hovering over the park at kickoff. Missing a few females, the ‘Bohs were buttressed by the addition of Stephanie ‘Biscotti’ Binetti which complemented the ’09 returning stars Tanisha ‘G’ Gulhar, Danielle Madison, and Lindsey Spotts. The ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an occasionally contentious and perpetually attractive team, lead from start-to-finish in this opening day contest.

The Finger Blasters, recently upgraded to the Less-Filling Extreme Social (LFES) division from an undefeated season in the Super-Extreme Social (SExS), began the game by botching the coin toss. The ‘coin toss’ was mastered by Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert who deftly beckoned ‘odds’ with the referee hiding three exposed fingers behind his back. The decision to start with the ball in the first half was further validated when the funny-looking, yet very nice, captain of the Red team chose to go with the wind in the first half giving the Untouchabohs the perfect duo of field position and ball possession.

The ‘Bohs’ opening possession involved a rhythmic and methodical drive cadenced like a ticking metronome as the surgeon-like Hughes completed passes to several receivers whilst slicing and dicing a zone so soft it could have been cut with a flaccid banana. Several completions to Madison led the ‘Bohs to scoring range, never facing a 4th down, and culminating in a touchdown by Neel ‘Not Kenny G’ Gulhar (future pseudonym pending) that defied all Einstein knows about physics. Consistently ranked #1 on the BSSCPN Network’s nightly ‘Top 10 Plays’ list, Not Kenny G miraculously (spectacularly, amazingly) caught the ball while falling, left handed, and sideways against his nick and body.

The initial dagger driven into the soulless hearts of the Finger Blasters, who despite their team name still don’t know what warm apple pie feels like, occurred on the ensuing offensive possession when Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne picked off an errant pass. The rag-armed quarterback heaved an uncooked heavenly ham into traffic as he apparently thinks that using an NFL-sized football and losing is better than victorious dominance. To his defense, the Red QB (Ranked 44th out of 45 QBs) did choose the wind in the first half which caused several of his passes to sail. The ‘Bohs scored on their next drive, again blending the zone into a confused mish-mash of goo, to go up two scores and take early control of the game.

Defensive lapses on the next two Finger Blaster drives sandwiched a ‘Bohs’ touchdown. Each instance a shaggy-haired fe-man ran uncovered though the defensive secondary the way that Adrian weaves through traffic after 200 ounces of Starbucks® coffee (not including shots). This was quickly rectified and Lindsey ‘The Leopard’s’ Spotts prowled amongst the Blaster receivers to capture and kill the pass attempt for a glitzy interception. Somewhere in the distance ‘Glamorous’ began playing to honor the defensive stop. The Blasters did manage some near misses as their team of Mannish-Females roamed the field on offense. Butch Diesel (as labeled by S. Binetti) a spunky he-she complemented another female (seen in Deuce Bigalow as the ‘Tall Bitch’) who intermittently fills in for Shaquille O’Neal in Shaq VS. The third was generally a non-factor and nobody can really remember her in any way – which is good for the rest of us who wanted to sleep Saturday night…

The Untouchabohs’ score and 2-pt conversion placed them up by 3 scores leading into halftime. Though the Fingers blasted their way into the end zone to open the second half and managed to take advantage of a rare ‘Bohs turnover on 4th-and-goal from the 4 yard line the game was never truly in doubt. The final drive consisted of time-wasting completions, gender-play mastery, and a 6+ minute time-of-possession that ended with Chris ‘Full-or-Half’ Nelson capturing a high throw through traffic to seal the deal. The most vexing moment occurred approximately 4 minutes into the drive with the ‘Bohs on the opponent’s 25 yard line. Facing man coverage for the first time all day Not Kenny G ran uncovered into the end-zone like the ‘Secret Agent’ when he ran uncovered onto an adjacent zip code. The QB heaved an arcing spiral that gracefully turned-over and pointed straight into the wanting bosom of the receiver – only to mysteriously thud to the Earth observed keenly by both teams. Neel G’s grace in the matter should not be overlooked as the football gods struck-back for the receiver’s magical first-half touchdown. All told, the conversion after the final touchdown was never attempted due to the 18+ point differential rule causing time to run continuously if a team is up by 18+ points in the second half.

Next up for the Untouchabohs is LFES Team #89 (1-0), Andy Beal’s Vegas Gold-adorned Gender Plays are for Girls who soundly defeated their opponent in week #1. This will be a test for the ‘Bohs who will be without leading receiver Danielle ‘DM is for ‘Dis Many Touchdowns’ Madison, Biscotti, and Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari on Patterson High Field #5 at 10:00. It should be noted that this team has all morning games indicating a high degree of seriousness. The ‘Bohs will need to wear their game faces, while having a blast, on Saturday.

Potpourri: PP Field #4 was the scene of an eruption last season causing Darian to be misnamed ‘Freddie’ in an attempt to thwart name-keeping by the lame-duck referee; Adrian played the game with gum on his cleats (Watermelon?); The ‘Bohs females are so attractive that the Finger Blasters (male & female) were heard sobbing in their beer after the game; Mad Dog Lambert is under investigation for increasing his performance by NOT taking performance-altering-substances before the game; Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne was the mysterious keeper of the lost tab at JD’s after the game; The Boh's scored 7 touchdowns and 0 interceptions; A photo exists of ‘Bohs team members providing the grape ‘jelly’ to Team #103's (Chestnut) peanut butter – how naughty!

UNTOUCHABOHS BREAK AWAY IN SECOND HALF

2009-11-24T15:25:00.000-05:00

(Aqua Iggy News) 22 March 2009 – Patterson Park Field 8 brought a second week of good luck and high scoring to the Untouchabohs (Team #96, 2-1) who took the frustration of a week 1 loss to VVT (Team #131, 3-0) and painted it upon a second-consecutive hapless victim, That’s What She Said (Team #132, 0-3) 45-20. Leading 12-6 on the last possession prior to the half QB Adrian Hughes overthrew wide-open receivers on three consecutive plays, two of them resulting in time-outs, to end the half. The southern end-zone proved to be the most fruitful for the Untouchabohs as they shook their erratic and lethargic first-half and found a comfortable rhythm scoring their remaining 33 points. Both teams traded touchdowns on the ensuing four drives with the ‘Bohs deftly managing their gender-play dominance while offsetting the offensive success against their defenses’ inability to cover a rag-armed speedster QB for TWSS.

The rag-armed bandit was able to complete a few passes to the red-headed stepchild of a wide receiver who, despite rock-solid coverage by the defense, was able to catch several poorly-thrown balls to keep drives alive and keep the game close. Unfortunately, the porous TWSS man-to-man coverage allowed 4 touchdowns of 20 or more yards and never caught-on to the dangerous and successful Flood formation employed consistently by the victors. The ‘Bohs didn’t miss a second-half conversion to increase the margin of victory for a team totaling 95 points over the last two weeks. Girl to girl action provided the hottest moments on the field when FeQB Lauren Asghari hit her female teammate in the end zone to convert the 3-pt play.

An overwhelming show of attendance by all 20 of the ‘Bohs, as well as their dominating Black-laden uniform appearance, created a level of intimidation not wielded during their previous several seasons permeated by spontaneous forfeiture of several games. Even the referee was intimidated when, after the second touchdown to Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne, held terribly by his overmatched defender, addressed a post-TD spike by warning the ‘Bohs to ‘take it easy.’ Adding to the intimidation were several jeers applied toward an Irish Green-wearing-softy who broke both ankles reacting to the only juke move the runner has ever used. Video on BSSCPN has banned showing the images due to their graphic nature.

Next up for Tim Lambert’s Untouchabohs are the Team #119 ‘Da Borough’ who’s 3-0 record poses an opportunity to gain a head-to-head advantage over a team currently above them in the standings. Only an utter lack of humility can stop a team that, when playing well, is Untouchaboh.

Rusty Untouchabohs Spring Clean an Irish Green

2009-11-24T15:23:00.000-05:00

(Disassociated Press) 5 April 2009 – An anticlimactic finish was the unfortunate culmination of a game featuring a volatile and tenuous first half. The rust from an unanticipated bye week that postponed the anticipated battle between the Untouchabohs (Team #96, 3-1) and the undefeated Da Borough (Team 119, 4-0) was present during the initial half of play with the previously once-beaten Show-Us-Your-TDs (Team 106, 2-2).

The ‘Bohs’ first drive was wrecked when a questionable call on a dual-possession reception was judged to be an INT - though unofficial instant replays, provided by Geo-QB Adrian Hughes’ imaginary photographic memory, clearly showed dual-possession. Until such definitive evidence is allowed in this X-social league such plays will torment the BSSC’s Competition Committee and the owners meetings’. The staunch Bohs’ defense held in a manner that would make all frigid wives proud by forcing a turnover-on-downs on the ensuing possession. Will ‘Intimidation’ Gray proved his role as team enforcer when a punishing hit on a soft, wet, fearful, purse-donning poser earned the intimidator four plays off and sent the opponents back to their blankies for tear-time. The schizophrenic ensuing drive, punctuated by several drops and displaying enough rust to scare the Tin Man, eventually produced the first score of the game on a completion to Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levine.

A failed 2 point conversion was followed by alternating touchdowns by both teams and left the Bohs’ 56 seconds and two timeouts to go the length of the field leading 14-12. The pressure was palpable on the sidelines when a bomb fell incomplete and the initial timeout was used. A key reception by Jonny ‘Secret-Agent’ Layne crossed midfield and burned the second timeout with 23 seconds remaining. Gender-play dominance by Fe-QB Lauren Asghari proved essential when, lining-up as a wide receiver, the Fe-QB torched her defender Memphis-Style with a 20 yard TD with seconds remaining in the half. The lead grew to 22-12 after the successful conversion and was a crucial drive with the S-U-Y-Ts (read: sluts) gaining the first second-half possession.

In an offensive league, defense still wins championships and the Bohs’ defense came through again in the second half. Brittany Hamilton’s defensive excellence continued with several batted balls and timely tackles while Kyle ‘I hate the Capulets’ Montague (Read Romeo & Juliet People) deftly baited the poor soul of a QB into a key pick. Drives in the second half featured bickering (read: screaming) between center-safety Demon Asghari and the typically loquacious yet soft spoken Hughes acting like petulant 5 year-olds disputing toy allocations, the ‘Secret Agent’ Layne shedding defenders by exploring the end zone in a foreign zip code, and an ugly girl on Team 106 tossing a TD to an almost pant-robbed receiver.

The game ended peacefully when the slack-jawed referee decided that the 36-24 final score was good enough and playing any further just wasn’t worth his time – which we all know is a fraudulent concept at best. The Irish Green bastards were gracious in defeat and left in appropriate fashion with tails placed between legs. Mr. Charles Asghari (Chuck, via barking interpreter) even commented that he wouldn’t try to hump such a forlorn group after such a bitch-slapping.

The Untouchaboh’s will enjoy a second bye week to celebrate the resurrection of Christ and mentally rest to prepare for the second half of the season. The 19 April matchup with cleverly named and properly punctuated Team 121, Dick’s Halfway Inn, 2-2 and on a 2-game winning streak, will occur at poorly manicured and partially contaminated Dundalk Community College. Team 121 may just find out what it’s like to be on the receiving end of full penetration.

Potpourri: Lauren Havery had a face-saving grab on a poorly-thrown ball to keep a drive alive. The warm weather helped the aging Bohs players loosen up in record time. The game had to be moved to a soppy location adjacent to field 5 due to a water main break beneath the original field 4. Tim Lambert almost had his second nipple removed in as many games by an errant Hughes pass attempt. Aaron Warren arrived just in time to consume the first pitchers ordered after victory after Texas-related travel. The secret agent Layne was spotted donning a pink purse after the game and cursing STD-laden bitches who steal power tools. Video evidence exists and is being held at a secret location. Photos are available via Facebook.

Untouchabohs Hide the Glitz, Bring the Grit, in 30-8 Grinder

2009-11-24T15:21:00.000-05:00

(Aqua Iggy News) 19 April 2009 - What happens when you combine an uneven playing field, shag carpeting for grass, and a local community college in Balmer, Merlin Hon? The Untouchabohs (Team #96, 4-1) methodically destroy your zone, shut down your gender plays, and resoundingly defeat your double-entendre named team without converting one PAT. Fe-QB/DB Lauren Asghari intercepted two passes, one in the end zone, to punctuate the defensive dominance sported by the intense ‘Bohs all season in the Week 5 trouncing of overmatched (snicker, giggle) Dick’s Halfway Inn (Team #121, 1-4).

Starting the first two drives a woman down due several contemporaneous wedding-related absences the ‘Bohs mixed short passing with a touch of gender-play trickery to score the game’s first TD. The ensuing drive by D’sHI resulted in a touchdown and two point conversion to put the ‘Bohs behind the 8-ball, 8-6. Fully stocked with all eight players after a late but timely arrival by catalyst Tanisha Gulhar, the Untouchabohs scored a second TD to gain a four point advantage late in the first half. If April showers are going to grow into May playoffs for Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert’s crop of explosive and attractive talent the ‘Bohs will need to continue punishing teams with points-off-turnovers and methodical morale-crushing drives.

The aggressive defense continued when the now renamed Dick’s Nowhere Inn QB, who showed a complete lack of effective decision-making throughout the game, killed their second possession of the first half with a turnover on downs. Adrian Hughes, V found Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne in the end zone to push the lead to 18-8. Ed Reed’s apparent lovechild/long-lost niece (the ball-hawking Asghari) ended the first half with a door-shutting interception of another lame-duck throw as time expired.

Dick’s Halfway Inn’s impotence continued in the second half when the ‘Boh defense, guided by Strong Safety/Free Safety/Only Safety Darian Asghari, kept the home team scoreless, and without Viagra, on each remaining possession. Both offenses were held down by a playing surface that would have made the crew of ‘That 70s Show’ proud – a field that was so shaggy that Scooby-Do was seen bothering Mr. Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari on the sideline for Scooby-snacks. At one point the referee couldn’t even find the line-of-scrimmage marker in the puck-devouring mange of a field. Key contributors included 2 scores by Mr. Layne and 1 score apiece by Lauren Havery, Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levine, and Matt ‘Beneath This Lies an Athlete’ Davidson. Defensive intensity was provided time after time by Will ‘The Engineer’ Grey and Lauren ‘You can’t Havery that ball’ Havery – her defensive alter-ego. Dinosaurs would have been proud of this game lacking deep or remarkable offensive plays save for a lucky D’sHI completion that bounded off of four players and a bizarre near-interception involving Coach Lambert’s noggin. Humor took hold late in the game when Untouchaboh players, scattered over the field, screamed to have the ball thrown to the uncovered Lambert who was heard to utter, ‘Yeah, throw me the ball.’ The receiver immediately stood motionless seemingly unaware of the idea of running after the catch but could be seen donning a fantastic grin. The second-half ended with two failed Hail-Mary passes and time expiring.

The team looked ahead to a home matchup with disgustingly-named Sheila Dixon’s Fur (Team #128, 3-2) while an over-caffeinated QB, downing a lukewarm XL coffee, repeatedly ran circles. Next week’s game will be 2:00 pm; Patterson Park Field #4, on April 26th with post-game refreshments served at Kisling’s Tavern (410.327.KISS), win or lose. If the team is going to continue its run toward the playoffs the Untouchabohs produce PATs, and I don’t mean those pats on the behind. Team members were not available for post-game comment as the field was so far removed from the destination watering hole that all members scattered from Dundalk Community College like cockroaches from sunlight.

Potpourri: The ‘Bohs scored 5 TDs today without converting one PAT; 8 points allowed is a season-low; the Boh’s have outscored opponents 175-97; The field’s uneven physiography claimed the knee of a player from Team 93 in the 10:00 Game; The females had to play the game both ways without substitution; Sheila Dixon’s Fur is Irish Green in color… a scary thought.

Hot Weather Earns Cold Shoulder From Satan-the-Referee

2009-11-24T15:18:00.000-05:00

(Aqua Iggy News) 26 April 2009 – Composure was a fantasy and not a reality yesterday when an illegally physical and mostly ridiculous Irish Green team (Sheila Dixon’s Fur, Team #128, 2-3) scraped by the scrappy Untouchabohs (Team #96, 4-2) under the watchful eye of an uncoordinated, stupid, forgetful, biased, and blind drunken-monkey of a referee on Field 4 at Patterson Park yesterday. The hot weather melted the spirit and pride of a team that valiantly withstood the handicap of playing with 7 people and few (or no reserves for the females) substitutions.

Despite being outmanned (well, outfemaled) by one the entire game the heavily-favored Boh’s stopped the Irish Green menace on the one-yard line on the first possession of the game. The ensuing drive mixed and matched runs and short passing culminating in a touchdown that again lacked the appropriate 1 or 2 point conversion which has tortured this team all season long. A beautiful drive considering that the Fur had one additional defender all game.

The ensuing possession by the Fur included several miraculous catches by the ugly blonde girl who really wasn’t certain where she was, who she was, or what really was going on. A deep ball, setting the tone for the rest of the game concluded the drive with a TD to tie the score at 6 points apiece. The Bohs rallied to muster another drive with several key completions to the Asghari pair, celebrating one glorious year together, finishing with a TD and failed 2 point conversion. The Fur displayed some resiliency themselves, somehow driving down the field without repeatedly tripping, and scoring a touchdown after a blatant push-off that followed a brutal, illegal, immoral, and unholy pick in the end zone. The Bohs stellar, if undermanned, defense stood proud and kept the conversion attempt from completion to keep the score tied at 12 going into halftime.

The second half began sluggishly as the heat was grinding on all members of the Untouchabohs. Half jogging and walking was prevalent as all members of the team mustered the remaining energy from their overheated engines. The Bohs drive put them up by eight with a TD to the Secret Agent and a 2 point conversion by the lanky, athletic, and fiery Darian “Demon” Asghari. Unfortunately for the Bohs’ Adrian Hughes, V (yup, the fifth) got burned five-times-over on a long bomb to a slutbag named Steve (no relation to Steve-O) who was tackled at the one yard line on a diving two-hand-touch leaving the overweight Hughes battered, lacerated, and bruised from landing on the concrete field.

Tied again at 20 points the heat melted the Untouchabohs’ resolve when members of the team failed to shake their defenders for Asghari on a 4th and 1 situation and turned the ball over to the Fur. Several drops punctuated this drive including one ball thrown to a receiver without an effort to even catch the hurled, tackified, pigskin (vinylskin in reality…). Another drive for the Irish Green Fur consistently executed blatant and malicious picks to free receivers on the field to put them up 26-20. The ensuing two-point try showed exactly how uneven the calls were when the green team lined up without waiting for the defense to set and snapped the ball. Several times throughout the game the referee stopped play to allow the green team to get set on defense – even during possessions. Most likely this herpes-laden, drugged-out lame-ass referee couldn’t figure out how to work his clock. Luckily enough the quarterback didn’t notice the 6 other receivers who weren’t covered and through to the pale-faced and giant-headed leper of a human who Hughes had purposefully left ‘open.’ The successful baiting and an assist by ‘The Engineer’ Will Gray kept the Boh’s within striking distance.

Spreading the ball around, including a 4th and 1 completion to the “C” of the team, Senor Tim Lambert culminated in the referee blowing another call and putting star Brittany Hamilton in the end zone to tie the game at 26. Unfortunately, this blown call by Satan-the-Referee hurt the Boh’s because it took the game to the two-minute warning and did not allow the Boh’s enough time to run out the clock. This also pointed to the shortcomings of the side judge who was seemingly happiest sporting his knee-highs and horrific bandana.

The final drive for the Fur, and essentially the final drive of the game save for the incomplete Hail-Mary attempt, included several more illegal picks, formations, and further help from Lucifer. Several times during the drive the Fur had an illegal procedure penalty but Satan decided not to run the clock as is customary on an offensive penalty within the last 2 minutes of the game. Several short plays later the receiver broke free after a blatant push-off that the Commander of Hell actually called, but at a price. In penance against himself for calling a penalty on the Chosen Team, Demon Numero Uno ejected Freddie Cassilly (or so he believed) for tagging the foul-committing receiver. In a game where a tackle consists of two hands contacting the receiver (i.e. ‘Two hand touch’) it is ironic that ejections occur when that receiver is, indeed, touched.

The Boh’s will take on Team #120 (Kobra Kai, 2-4) next week at the pasture Dundalk Community College Field 1 at 11:00 to try to avenge a game taken from them by the Commander-in-Hades and his evil ‘refereeing.’ Though stars Keith “Don’t call me Klevin” Levin and likely several others will not be able to make it those that do show up will undoubtedly give their all and secure a victory.

Potpourri: It was hot as hell today; the females who did show had to play without substitution for a second-straight game; 11 people out of 20 showed up for the game (two were infirmed); the referee will be ritualistically burned in effigy prior to the next game; the Boh’s have outscored opponents 201-129.

Mother’s Day, Schmothers Day. Undefeated Team Upends Untouchabohs

2009-11-24T15:13:00.000-05:00

(Aqua Iggy News) 10 May 2009 – Eight seconds separated the Untouchabohs (Team #96, 4-3) from victory over the undefeated Da Borough (Team #119, 7-0). Unfortunately the Irish Green Swine Flu-ers drove the length of the field to score the decisive TD leaving the protagonist Boh’s behind the 8-Boh for the second straight game. Da Borough was consistently aided by a series of miraculous catches by the female members – specifically the lovechild of Terrell and Kelly Gregg. Hideous in appearance, her gifted hands provided several key receptions for ‘IT’’s team in the 40-32 victory.

In a climate best described as blustery, though more like a whirling dervish, passes from both teams failed to hit their mark during their first possessions. Winds constantly altered ball flights and abundant drops afflicted the receiving corps of the Bohs. A failed 4th-and-1 conversion in the first half allowed Team 116 to take the lead 8-0 on a deep pass completion by an uncovered receiver and a successful 2-point conversion. The Bohs came back with an attitude as QB AH5 (Yup, the fifth) led his team down the field with key completions to Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levine, Lauren ‘You Can’t Havery That’ Havery, and the man known as the Secret Agent Spiker, Jonny Layne. The second Da Borough drive also finished with a touchdown and two point conversion despite the Boh defenders tipping the ball several times along the way.

The pressure began to mount with the Boh’s third possession, down by 8, knowing that the game could effectively end without a score and a 2-point conversion – something with which the Boh’s have struggled mightily in recent weeks. Fighting the elements the Bohs developed a yet-seen swagger with several consecutive completions, tight spirals, and solid pass catching. This drive was punctuated by a touchdown and amazing grab by Darian ‘Demon’ Asghari in a sensational amount of traffic despite a sea of wanting hands grabbing at the heaving chest of the receiver.

The first half finished in a 16-apiece tie and a warning from the referee about illegal touching. Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari barked at such mundane and unnecessary comments then devoured an entire Tupperware container of water. ‘Such tomfoolery,’ he exclaimed, followed by abundant water splashing and rehydrative acts.

Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne contributed greatly in the second half – aided by clearly delineated end zone lines. Historically, Layne has avoided defenders when playing on PHS Field 4 by running into adjacent zip codes and strange neighborhoods. Da Borough scored on their first possession of the second half – aided by a catch and run by the ‘IT’ lovechild – and converted their third consecutive 2-point try. It should be pointed out again that Lauren Havery saved a TD with her tackle short of the end zone and that the Boh defense forced the Irish Green Nuisance to use all of their plays to break the plane of the end zone. Fresh off a cruise ship, tanned, toned, and sober despite a foray into the Duty-Free shop Havery showed why she is one of the important contributors to the team.

Down by 8 again, the Boh moxie was in a full-fledged outbreak that even Valtrex wouldn’t be able to handle as the team milked the clock from 7:05 to below the two minute warning. The game-tying TD was caught and spiked by the Secret Agent Spiker Layne on a no-look completion from Hughes. Such naughtiness from the emotional Secret Agent is a staple of the team’s success though it required the referee – not a slackjaw like last game’s Lord of the Darkness – needed a clarification about the penalty. Ten yards were added to the 2 point try, making it a 20 yard 2-point attempt. Getting the ball into the end zone, into the wind, into a mass of 15 bodies (half of which were covered in Irish Green and smelled like they needed to use Irish Spring) was going to be difficult.

On a play that included some semblance of a strategy – something else to improve upon heading into next week’s season finale – the additional yardage was one more obstacle between a tie and a definite loss. With the male Asghari open for a split second, Hughes saw a seam that the Secret Agent was about to exploit in the front of the end zone. In such a stealth manner Layne cut in front of two Green defenders and snared a low, un-tippable, ball with a diving attempt. Conversion good, game tied, moxie and uncontrolled outbreak in full effect.

Though the game ended on another hail-mary attempt, which Will ‘The Engineer’ Grey caught at the 0.075 yard line after a game winning drive by the oxymoronic undefeated losers (did anyone see the guy with the semi-rimless, silver, polycarbonate, anti-reflective glasses?) the Bohs could walk off of the field proud and with a lot to look forward to next week and forevermore…

Potpourri: The referee was humorously struck by a ball unintentionally tipped by a Boh defender; that throw was intended to decapitate her; Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari has been inferring he doesn’t want to be a team mascot – he prefers Talisman; Since he doesn’t prefer Miller Lite to Dos Equis, the Most Interesting Man in the World was seen lurking on the sideline looking for used Landshark Lager bottles with enough backwash to drink; no team missed a 2 pt conversion; Captain Tim Lambert was seen perusing X-Rays of Brett Favre’s torn bicep; unlike Chris Cooley, nobody on the team has blogged their penis, yet.

Saturday to Pop the Untouchabohs' Playoff Cherry

2009-11-19T12:35:00.000-05:00

Yikes, that’s just soooooo wrong….

(Aqua Iggy News) 18 November 2009 – A petulant whore of a nor’easter swept through the region last weekend and precluded the Untouchabohs from losing their playoff virginity. The Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 7-1) will, however, take the field against the intense Hungover By Halftime (Team #115, Irish Green, 6-2) at 9:45 am this Saturday, 21 November 2009 at Patterson High School #4.

The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, utilize an amazing and unique form of the spread offense that not only places increased pressure on the defense but also milks the clock the way that Gaylord Focker milks a cat. The Untouchabohs’ hectic and uncoordinated routes perpetually confuse both the zone defenders as well as ‘Bohs’ quarterback Adrian ‘Aqua Iggy’ Hughes, V while stretching the opponent’s zone like saran wrap over a balance ball.

Based in Baltimore, MD, the ‘Bohs carry the grit of their blue-collar town while gracing the field with such elegance that, as stated in previous columns, may cause Himalayan Monks to shed tears of euphoria. This juxtaposition of styles bodes well for the ‘Bohs, managed by Timothy ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert, who have shown great character in the muddy, foggy, and rainy conditions that are seasonal at their home latitude (39.2884 N) and longitude (76.5795 West). Wearing a badge of pride when referred-to as ‘mudders,’ the Untouchabohs’ have matured to wearing cleats in sloppy conditions, and they never thrown a ‘Hot Dog in the Rain.’

Great moments have filled the ‘Bohs stocking long before Santa has time to spin the Driedl and light the Kinara around the Festivus pole. Neel ‘Cowboys’ Gulhar had perhaps the most amazing game in which he actually caught a ball while sliding, backwards and sideways, one-handed, against his face – though he caused a great deal of hilarity when he dropped a game-clinching pass in the right corner of the end zone later in the same game. The season also included a finger-tip, tightrope walking, toe-tapping catch against the sideline of LK#2 by Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari who just recently began wearing cleats… look out everyone! Two games this season had momentous momentum shifts when Chris ‘Full’ Nelson intercepted the quarterback in the first halves of games that the ‘Bohs ultimately won. The stories continue, but they will be revisited during post-game happy hour at the Untouchabohs’ favorite watering hole, JD’s!

Focus has been on display in great quantities and immense intensities during the grind of the BSSC football season. Unlike the great black explosion of 2008 when the ‘Bohs were molested by a malevolent Satan of a referee at Patterson High Field #4, this version of the Untouchabohs displays great character. Dynastic victories have come from the ashes of defeat like the Phoenix rising from its own wreckage. Trying times forged a focus so intense that NASA physicists have recalibrated the Hubble to focus more like the Untouchabohs. Mettle and grit were exuded in such copious quantities that you could polish granite with the Untouchabohs’ exterior. They are a truly fascinating team to be around.

Defense wins championships, and in order to keep the pleasurable playoff experience percolating beyond their initial game the Untouchabohs’ will need to play defense like a swarm of killer bees that’ve sited their unfortunate prey. Attacking after the initial wash will be crucial for SS Darian ‘I won’t lose my cool this week because I’ll be ejected and the team will need to play 7-on-8 for the remainder of the game’ Asghari (Formerly Darian ‘T.O.’ Asghari, soon to be Darian ‘Ghandi’ Asghari) to storm the unwitting HbyH quarterback just after the 5-count.

The Playoff Experience that will be gleaned from this weekend will surely bring glory to the vainglorious Untouchabohs who failed to put the brakes on a 50-22 win that could have easily been 62-22 – a certifieable butt-whipping over a hapless opponent who faced the same attendance issues of ‘Bohs’ past. They will surely miss those who cannot attend due to a Redskins’ game, moving out-of-state, and even to H1N1. Hopefully key contributions will be made by Stephanie ‘Biscotti’ Binetti, Kendall ‘Ed Reed’ Crawford, and Lindsey ‘Leopards’ Spotts.

The dynastically-blessed Untouchabohs’ irrepressible grit, magnificent guile, and uncontainable pride will surely guide your cunning heroes to victory. Go ‘Bohs!

Go Deep Lacks Depth in 50-22 Shellacking

2009-11-09T15:46:00.000-05:00

A Season's-Worth of Frustration Expelled on Really Nice Team

(Disassociated Press) 7 November 2009 – Indian summer, officially the first warming period after the season’s initial frosting, brought glorious conditions to the vainglorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 7-1) as they massacred the undermanned (literally) Go Deep (Team #119, Black, 1-7) on Patterson High Field #7 Saturday.

Initial note: Never again will we conduct ourselves in the way that we conducted ourselves against an overmatched and undermanned opponent. I hope that most of us can look back at the game with a candid eye and note that we should have called off the dogs a little sooner than we did – since we didn’t call off the dogs all game. It should not be lost that we had just had 4 consecutive games against teams with a combined 18-0 record, and that explains why we were all as giddy as schoolgirls at the sight of a meek and toothless team who subsequently watched us celebrate, and graciously took our photo after the game. If we ever play a wounded team again, after the game has been put away, we will still play hard but we will NEVER rub it in like we did on Saturday. At the time, our Hail Mary at the end of the first half is satisfactory, but driving at the end of the game, up by 28, was unacceptable. I take full blame for this localized low-class maneuver and I will never let it happen again.

That said… I continue…

The Untouchabohs were facing a team that actually resembled the Untouchabohs of 3 of the last 4 seasons – talented but with only 7 players (4 of which were women) – literally undermanned. Go Deep fought hard and with a great deal of tenacity all game but still found themselves down at the half 22-14. It would have been more, but the referee, the Redskins ski cap-wearing fool (who’s not all that bad, actually) disallowed a full-field Hail Mary that was completed from Aqua Iggy Hughes to Kendall ‘That’s MY ball’ Crawford as time expired. That actually put the Untouchabohs in a position where they were only up one score (and conversion) with Go Deep getting the ball to start the second half.

Proof is in the pudding, and the ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, did show that they were unwilling to play down to an inferior opponent. As a Terrapin fan, this is something I’m familiar with as those teams always seem to play up, or down, to the opponent at hand (grrrrrr). Driving down the field on the initial possession, the ‘Bohs completed a deep pass to Will ‘Shutdown’ Gray on the same route run the previous week. Hughes found the cannon-of-old and threw a laser beam over-and-through Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne to fail to convert (again) on the PAT.

Hughes doesn’t have any idea how the turnover happened on the ‘Deep’s initial possession since he was talking to the 0-8 Purple team that remained after the game to watch the drubbing. The ‘Bohs did take over, though, on such a short field that Hughes, barely aware he was playing offense again, overthrew the ENTIRE FIELD by 15 yards. The ‘Bohs were still able to score and put themselves up 14-0 with the successful conversion.

The proof is still in the pudding, as the following 3 possessions of the game will show. The Untouchabohs have made a living by controlling the clock and limiting the opponent’s opportunities to score. By deviating from this, the ‘Bohs actually risked this game being closer than it should have been…

The Go Deep really were getting pounded all game but did exhibit gender-play dominance. Driving down the field and scoring. The subsequent conversion put the devious ‘Deepers’ down by 6 with plenty of time remaining in the first half. Lesson! The greedy and somewhat malevolent ‘Bohs decided to air it out again and scored on 5 plays to extend their lead, with the successful PAT to Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert, to 22-8. By not milking any clock, your magnificent ‘Bohs gave the gritty opponent a chance to drive down the field again. A clear violation of the Offense is Defense, Biotch (OD,B) offense the ‘Bohs have run all season. This will not extend into this important weekend’s playoffs!

Moving from left-to-right on your screen, the Go Deep continued gender play dominance and scored another TD in the first half. Scoring was Lauren ‘The Blonde Captain of the Opponents’ Hoffman who made a fantastic, leaping, catch in the end zone. The failed PAT still shrunk the lead, like cold temperatures shrink a naked male, to 22-14 and gave the ‘Bohs the ball back with less than one minute remaining.

Trickeration typically manages to 1) trick the opponent (a good thing) and 2) trick the referees. Unfortunately for the Untouchabohs, they managed to trick the opponents like a manevolent weird uncle ‘removing’ the nose of a child – and the result was the same… the child cries. A deep ball to Chris ‘Tampa’ Nelson toward the right corner of the end zone fell incomplete and left the ‘Bohs with less than 20 seconds to run a play. ‘Iggy’ Hughes had Nelson throw the ball back to the field of play and quickly substituted Kendall ‘Mason’ Crawford in from the near line. With the ball snapped immediately prior to the end of the half, Crawford exploded (literally – I heard sounds) down the field and toward the end zone. Hughes heaved a ball from behind his own two-point conversion line and into the waiting arms of the receiver. The referee, obviously a little confused, said the play did not count for 2 reasons: a player cannot be out of bounds on the opposite sideline of a game and that the ‘Bohs sported an ‘illegal formation’ since a player was more than 15 yards from the center. Lame, but so is his ski cap. (Not because it is a Redskins ski cap, mind you, but because it was almost 70 degrees…)

Halftime brought a touch of focus as Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren reminded the playoff-bound team that they were only one score behind and would have the ball to begin the second half. Strong and confident, with hubris abound, the Untouchabohs were mentally preparing to squash the inferior opponent in a way that would make applesauce squeamish at the thought. It would bear out, as the second half unfolded, that Go Deep was lacking depth and running out of steam.

The rest of the game….

Untouchabohs’ football is defensive football, and the ‘Bohs shut down the opponent in the second half. Keeping Go Deep out of the end zone on their first possession of the half followed the mantra of ‘Defense Wins Championships.’ Driving down the field on the ensuing possession, the Untouchabohs put themselves up by another touchdown to extend their lead to 28-14. This is when the tide really turned for Go Deep.

The ‘Bohs, not letting off the accelerator yet, continued playing 8-on-8 with the 14 point lead and drove down the field. Unfortunately for Go Deep, one of their players received quite a bit of contact on a conversion and his fuse had been burning since the first half. He finally exploded and accidentally lit the fire of the quarterback of your 7-1 ‘Bohs. As a pass fell incomplete, with the ‘Bohs basically running out the clock and back into the groove of the OD,B offense, the opponent decided to KICK the ball 20 yards from the end zone.

Granted, you’re getting your ass handed to you on a rusty platter, but don’t lose your cool in a 2-hand touch, coed, 3^rd of 4 tiers, beer league football game. By kicking the ball back to the Untouchabohs, a competitive fire ignited within Hughes setting off a nuclear reaction of fission-like fury. Keith ‘Don’t call me Klevin’ Levin saw the kicked ball, witnessed a rage-driven fury of passion, and knew that an all-out massacre was about to come to pass. The two plays that followed produced a crisp TD throw and a dagger of a conversion to extend the lead again to 36-14.

The play of the game graced the whipped Go Deep. A deep throw to one of the three tall blondes that the ‘Deep’ employ was too deep… or was it?!? A falling, over the shoulder, fingertip catch – now a top play on the BSSCPN list, gave the ‘Deep’ some new life and led them to their final score of the game. Putting up one final 8-spot, the score was as close as it would be at 36-22.

Highlights of the final seconds included Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne tossing a conversion to Neel ‘I was wide open all game – seriously, all game – but I understand that you were trying to run out the clock and not embarrass the other team’ Gulhar. Keith ‘I dropped 2 picks today’ Levin did have his hands all over the opponents’ Hot Dog (remember, in Darian ‘Suspended’ Asghari-speak, a Hot Dog is a football too big for you to use) and did record an INT to stall a Go Deep drive. It should also be noted that Keith caught a would-be interception that was nullified by a ‘Secret Agent’ sack. Please also not that Mr. Layne had a conversion, an interception, several tackles, and a sack in this game and is nominated for BSSC Player of the Week.

As the clock hit zero, magnificence appeared in the hands of ‘Don’t call me Klevin’ as he uncorked (literally) two bottles of champagne to celebrate the initial playoff run of the Untouchabohs’ franchise. Words of appreciation and congratulation by Aaron ‘I love the ‘Droid’ Warren were uttered before a team picture was taken by a member of the classy ‘Go Deep.’ It was a satisfying victory after a string of tense contests with playoff-caliber teams for your Untouchabohs who have proven yet again that when everyone shows up, they are, indeed, Untouchaboh!

Potpourri: Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren finally picked up his Droid and was seen dancing in the streets in a way that would cause one to rewrite the lyrics of ‘Frosty the Snowman;’ With 7 more TDs on Saturday, Hughes has a TD/INT ratio of 41-1 (several plays over the season by ‘Bohs’ receivers has saved 3 INTs); A player from the Baltimore Bangers (Team#112, White, 6-2) was ejected (This is a playoff team that is apt to lose their cool when behind – that may be used to our advantage if we play them); Team #112 lost to Team #121 (Cop-A-Feel, Maroon, 8-0) in that game; Untouchabohs this season turned the ball over 16% of the time vs. 43% by opponents; The ‘Bohs converted 2 pt PATs at a rate of 45% vs. 43% for opponents (the numbers drop to 37% and 40% respectively when taking into account our two blowouts); The team we blew-out 38-0 was audibly angry at us at JD’s after the game and told Adrian to ‘Eff-off’; If we play them, they angered the wrong person…

Untouchabohs (Trap Game) Face (Trap Game) Go Deep (Trap Game) in Season (Trap Game) Finale

2009-11-06T10:35:00.000-05:00

Trap Game Trap Game Trap Game Trap Game

(Agua Iggy News) 6 November 2009 – Your glorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 6-1) finish the regular season tomorrow on Patterson Park Field #7 at High Noon against the underrated Go Deep (Team #119, Black, 1-6). Grit and guile will need to guide the vainglorious Untouchabohs in their quest for Universal dominance of Baltimore Sports and Social Club – Extreme Social – Less Filling Two-hand Touch Football (BSSCXSLF).

Attendance is key as the ‘Bohs have a 14-17 record over the last 4 seasons, but that doesn’t show the whole picture. During that stretch, the Untouchabohs have lost 6 games to forfeits and another 5 games have been lost when the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, have lacked either a male or female substitution. Within that last stat are 3 games where the ‘Bohs not only lacked a substitution, but actually fielded a team with only 7 players.

Defense wins championships and the man-to-man style of defense that the Untouchabohs play is something magnificent to watch. With the green team watching last week’s victory over previously undefeated Team #138 (Johnson In the Slot, Royal Blue, 6-1) skepticism reigned on the man-to-man style with a free safety that the ‘Bohs play. Play after play, though, free safety (FS) Darian ‘Persian Subversion’ Asghari repeatedly manipulated the quarterback play in a way that a disturbed puppeteer manipulates marionettes. Gauging the play from the snap, The ‘Subversion’ allowed the receivers’ initial routes to wash by and render themselves impotent before putting pressure on the quarterback. Special attention should be paid to all of the ‘Bohs’ individual defenders as they allowed the opponent about as much breathing room as an infant child trapped in a well.

The Untouchabohs, if they win this week, will continue a trend of improvement that spans several years. Beginning in Spring 2008 (Team ??, Light Blue, 1-7), the ‘Bohs floundered under a rookie QB who didn’t study all of the nuances of the BSSC team rules and had yet to master the offense. Good times were had, though, after games, as Chris ‘Full’ Nelson and Adrian ‘Aqua Iggy’ Hughes, V competed in a now-legendary contest of consuming six saltines in 60 seconds or less. Between the strategic errors and attendance issues, the ‘Bohs remained close in all but one game but could not get over the hump of victory. Victory humping is a very good thing…

The Fall 2008 Untouchabohs (Team 126, Maroon, 3-5), placed in the newly created ‘Less Filling’ division of Extreme Social Football, played a significantly tougher schedule but were still talented enough to start the season 2-2. Losing several additional games to a forfeit and/or lack of team attendance was dastardly and doomed the glorious ‘Bohs, building their reputation as an attractive team throughout the league, to a 1-3 finish.

During spring, a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love… and the corresponding women run screaming in the opposite direction. Thoughts also turn to BSSC two-hand touch, coed, football. The black-donning Untouchabohs (Team #96, Black, 4-4) lost a heartbreaker of an opener that involved three key untimely bounces. Those of you not present will lack memory of two balls that bounced out of receiver’s hands (and into defenders’ hands) in the end zone in a game the Untouchabohs lost by 4 points. They were light blue and featured a stubby little ahole of a ‘man’ who was in the right place at the right time. The Untouchabohs followed that crushing loss by displaying an emerging moxie that buttressed four consecutive wins. Buttressed by additions of Kyle ‘Bebe’ Montague, Brittany ‘Ham’ Hamilton, and Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray (subsequently renamed ‘Shutdown’). Unfortunately for the ‘Bohs, now as attractive as ever, attendance remained an issue while finishing with a disappointing 4-4.

This week’s game (Trap Game) is most assuredly a trap game. Attendance appears to be an issue as Captain-my-Captain Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert’s evite is a little barren in the attendance column. The Untouchabohs mustn’t lose the (Trap Game) focus of the ant-burning child and succumb to a potentially inferior adversary. If so, weeks of hard work, drinking, and fun would potentially yield the Untouchabohs out of the playoffs, an unfortunate (Trap Game) destiny – and a potentially bitter pill to swallow.

Bleed’ on three….(J/K). Go ‘Bohs!!!

Potpourri: ‘Shutdown’ Gray shared many beautiful and heartwarming pictures of his recent nuptials (congrats Will and Katrina); JD’s is a wonderful place to enjoy post-game libations (officially a Greek ritual of pouring a drink as an offering to a God); ‘Aqua Iggy’ Hughes, V is completely out-of-control with his spreadsheet of opponents (and he likes it); Trap Game Trap Game Trap Game; It is believed that cleats provide a higher degree of traction in damp, moist, or wet conditions.

Untouchabohs Pop Another Bubble of Perfection

2009-11-02T22:23:00.000-05:00

Halloween Hallo-Win Against 4th Consecutive Undefeated Team

(Disassociated Press) 31 October 2009 - On a day where the weather and field conditions would be classified as sassy at best the glorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 6-1) slid by Johnson in the Slot (Team #138, Royal Blue, 6-1) on saturated Halloween Saturday at Patterson High Field #5.

Glee at the sight of one of the better BSSC referees quickly turned to dread as the referee-in-question (Jessica Marshall) removed her sweatshirt and donned the colors of the malevolent opponent. The Untouchabohs, sensitive to certain slack-jawed referees, have already lost one game this year where the referee's lack of attentiveness to down-and-distance may have initiated a downward spiral of play that culminated in a loss to the Mustangs (Team #142, Grey, 6-0-1).

On a day when the Captain, Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert was confiscating funds from Bank of America petulant patrons, Adrian 'Aqua Iggy' Hughes, V was forced to handle the coin toss... you all know how Mad Dog is able to trick the other team into giving the 'Bohs what they want, and Hughes mustered the mythical Lambert mojo to gain control of the first possession of the game. The magic finally stuck when the opponent, JITS (henceforth), took the wind in the first half - which would come into play at the end of the game...

The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive and fun-loving team, drove down the field with a mixture of gender-nonspecific passes that penetrated the JITS defense like an icepick through a bratty child's balloon. Humor was found early in this game by both teams as the line judge did not know how to count to five - causing players on both sides of the ball to count to themselves in a way that resembled an insane inmate counting to him/herself in the middle of a field. Returning was the injured Lauren 'Klavery' Havery, showing grit and guile, playing with an injured ankle. With a touchdown pass to her loving fiancé' Keith 'Don't call me klevin' Levin. With the conversion good (it was great actually) the glorious Untouchabohs took an 8-0 lead.

This lead would be short-lived, though as the typically stout 'Bohs' defense yielded a score. Overlooked throughout this offensive league is the fact that the Untouchabohs play a unique style of defense which gives opponents fits. Though the score was now 8-6 in favor of your benevolent 'Bohs the OD,B offense (Offense is Defense, B) took the field with a focus so intense that the Hubble was jealous from its orbit around the earth.

Defense wins championships, and the slippery slope that the defense encountered had more to do with the steady rain that fell throughout most of the game turning the field into a quagmire of sorts for those not donning long, vertical, protrusions from the bottom of their shoes. Tempers flared as the team enforcer, Darian 'Terrell Owens' Asghari, pulled men and ladies from the field of play like a man trying to start a lawnmower. His competitive fire burned so strong that it ignited a deep repressed fury from the normally gracious teammates - almost a form of submissive resentment toward the one referred to a 'T.O.' It turned out for the better as Stephanie 'Biscotti' Binetti fell, humorously I may add, on a field that had the consistency of a lubricant jelly. For everyone who did show up the team welcomed them with open arms and the message to consider buying cleats for the stretch-run.

The second Untouchabohs' drive also peppered the butter-soft zone with crisp passes, tight spirals, and a workmanlike pace. Key receptions by Jonny 'Secret Agent' Layne, Klevin (sorry pal), and Tanisha 'I wore cleats' Gulhar kept the drive alive. Though the line judge, wearing a soaked dark green shirt, appeared to be mute continuously through the first half the Untouchabohs didn't need to rush once on their way toward their ultimate destiny - the end zone. Scrambling to his right, the QB Hughes tossed the ball between two 'Bohs, and Mr. Levin stole the ball from Mr. Owens. The failed conversion left the Untouchabohs up 14-6.

Defense wins championships and your vainglorious 'Bohs forced the first turnover of the game on the JITS' ensuing possession. Faced with a 4th-and-1 from the 13 yard line (okay, somewhere near there...) the JITS failed to run a short route and doomed their quarterback to make a high-risk throw, one that fell to the ground haplessly due to the sloppy conditions and wet balls. Wet balls are hard to catch, write that down...

With a sense of urgency the Untouchabohs drove down the field. On first and two from just beyond midfield Hughes rolled right to find Will 'Shutdown' Gray running a beautiful 10 yard out - but wait, there's more! Hughes unleashed a pump-fake so potent that angels cried from the heavens, and Shutdown cut down the sideline. Outrunning the cover-2 safety coverage the ball was lofted perfectly and settled into the receiver's hands to take a 20-6 lead. Unfortunately for the 'Bohs they didn't milk enough of the clock and left the evil opponents with over a minute of time in the first half.

The slippery conditions, harming the JITS all game and cursing them with a consistent affliction of the 'dropsies,' actually aided the receivers as the Untouchabohs slid all over the field. The score with 8 seconds remaining and two-point conversion put the JITS back in the game and down by six at 20-14. Your 'Bohs, with the guidance of Secret Agent Layne tossed a 20-yard completion over the middle to gain valuable yards to attempt their hail-Mary. The timeout allowed the scheming QB to draw up the play with everyone running to the right side of the end-zone with Keith 'Touchdown' Levin cutting to the left corner pylon at the last second. A high spiral was lofted but fell harmlessly to the ground as the communication was broken between the QB and his receivers.

The second half was getting so sloppy that pigs were heard cheering from the neighbor's yards - quite a feat in row home-laden Baltimore. The JITS took the opening drive down and, displaying courage and grit, found a way to score. The stout 'Bohs defense held on the two-point conversion attempt and this beautiful game featuring two teams with one combined loss was reset 20-20. Your 'Bohs now had the ball with 13:45 left in the second half and had to score with purpose.

The color purple is a magnificent color in Baltimore, and nobody respects it more than the Untouchabohs. Since Mad Dog Lambert received written permission from the Baltimore Ravens to wear such a tremendous color the Untouchabohs have played with an intensity that belies their placement in a 3-of-4-tiers-coed-2-hand-touch-coed-football. Driving down the field, the Untouchabohs got to within one foot of the mid-line with their two completions - in another humorous in-game occurrence, Jonny 'I'm Open' Layne caught the ball and ran out of bounds just short of the mid-line as the quarterback was yelling for him to do just that. Who yells at you to NOT advance the ball?

The drive continued as the Untouchabohs ran the ball 3 straight times for less than one yard but burned over a minute of the game clock in this Field #5 affair. Tossing the ball across the line the 'Bohs reset their downs and continued their drive. Scoring on a passing play to Lauren 'I wore cleats! Look!' Asghari with 8:15 left in the game and converting the point-after-try put the protagonists up 28-20.

In Baltimore, we love defense, and defense wins championships. The Untouchabohs defense was able to curtail the JITS ensuing drive by denying a 4th-and-goal play though it was aided by a quarterback attempting to violate a cardinal BSSC rule and tried to 'throw a hot-dog in the rain.' They were still able to score - but the defense didn't yield the conversion and the lead stood at two with just under three minutes remaining. The low-point of Untouchaboh execution was about to strike, though, and the game wouldn't be over yet.

The 'Bohs offense, great at following Lambert's 'milking' sign all season long lost their focus for the first time in weeks and found themselves with a 4th-and-1 just beyond the mid-line. Hughes chose poorly and found his pass toward Keith 'Touchdown' Levin deflected by a lame zone defender to give JITS one last chance. With just over one minute left, the JITS drove down the field against several blown coverages and were able to get out of bounds. They did need to burn their timeouts on defense but they had plenty of time to take the lead.

Destiny struck again for the enraged and internally collapsing Untouchabohs as they forced Johnson in the Slot into a forced-gender 4th-and-1. With his female receivers running deep down the field Lauren 'Fe-QBDBMVP' Asghari picked-off the errant pass for the Untouchabohs' third forced turnover of the game. As the Untouchabohs ran out the clock both teams congratulated each other on a game well played and looked forward to nourishment at JD's...delicious.

The playoffs are now a real possibility though the Untouchabohs will face a trap game next week against Lauren Hoffman's naughtily-named Go Deep (Team #119, Black, 1-6) at Patterson Park #7 at High Noon. It will be a game that would bring Clint Eastwood a sense of pride as two teams will battle it out while screaming clichés' and hyperbole left and right. This will also be a game where Chris 'Full' Nelson will make a trip from his new life in Tampa, FL to visit his newlywed bride here in Baltimore. Hopefully the Untouchabohs will regain their focus and put down a team who has had trouble finding wins this season.

All told, the 'Bohs have had a tough stretch of schedule. They have had consecutive games against a 3-0, 4-0, 5-0, and 6-0 teams and have only lost to the well-coached and play-calling Mustangs. All told, the Untouchabohs' opponents this season have a combined record of 35-20-1, and if you remove Team #119's record (who the 'Bohs haven't played) and the combined record of opponents through 7 games is 34-14-1 which is a .704 winning percentage. Also factor in that if the opponents had not faced the Untouchabohs, their combined winning percentage against all other teams is 34-8-1 (.810 winning percentage). Amazing.

The intensity of the Untouchabohs, harnessed by Buddhist monks as a solar panel harnesses the sun for divine energy, will need to continue peaking at the right time if this season is going to extend beyond the 7th of November. Hopefully they will continue to execute and prove once again, that they are Untouchaboh!

Potpourri: Chris Nelson now lives in Tampa, FL and we all hope that the game is going well; Darian didn't question any playcalling in the first half (amazing); The Untouchabohs have thrown 34 TDs this year to 1 INT; Humorous play #3 occurred in the second half as Neel 'G' Gulhar took a pass and failed to make a cut after catching the ball; The irritating light blue team played immediately after the Untouchabohs on Saturday, I think they lost their cool, and the game... Tim Lambert was proud of the team and said so for the first time in a BSSCPN news conference from his office in Hunt Valley, MD; Aaron 'The Franchise' Warren lost one year of his life when the 4th-and-1 attempt fell incomplete (murmuring something about punching someone in the face...); Joe Flacco is advertising pizza while I'm writing this.

Untouchabohs Batter the Undefeated in Sloppy Beer-League Brawl

2009-10-28T12:35:00.000-04:00

Injuries Mar 36-26 Victory

(Aqua Iggy News) 24 October 2009 – The football gods cast a stern eye on Saturday as sunny skies turned into schizophrenically scattered showers while the Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 5-1) lubed their way past We Are Who You Thought We Were (Team #98, Black, 5-1) on LK Field #2.

Though the day started by sun-kissing the superfund site adjacent to the playing fields, the weather turned mid-game into an all-out slopfest with heavy showers saturating the benevolent souls of your wonderful Untouchabohs. Never to have their flame extinguished, your intrepid heroes focused on the game like a lonely child focuses a magnifying glass on a hapless ant and ignited the fire that fuels dynastic victory.

Captain ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert again tricked the opponent into winning the challenging game of ‘odds or evens’ by calling odds even though the referee, a kind yet vociferous gent, had two fingers exposed behind his back. This allowed the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, to begin the game on their most volatile side of the ball – Defense!

Defense wins championships, and the ‘Bohs slowed the wind-backed opponent’s initial drive of the game despite ‘Bohs’ defenders having their hands on several passes. This will manifest itself later as a key of BSSC football. The defense did allow a touchdown and associated two-point conversion to put the game 0-8 in favor of Team #98. Fear not lovers-of-the-‘Bohs, the offense was about to take control.

The Untouchabohs’ initial drive of the game had your central characters methodically marching down the field like the British through the streets of an unoccupied town. Unfortunately for WAWYTWW (pronounced wah-wee tu`h-woowoo) they were not the American Revolutionary troops and your ‘Bohs scored their first touchdown of the game with very little resistance. The defense that Wah-we tu’h-woowoo was running was something like a zone – if you combined Swiss cheese, a spaghetti-strainer, and melted butter while trying to call it resistive. A touch of trickeration (I hate it when ESPN uses this word) was present, with the Untouchabohs starting in their version of the Wildcat formation and Keith ‘I’m Engaged’ Levin taking a few snaps. The offense faced little resistance as Hughes, the ‘Bohs’ pocket-passer, Laughing all of the way down the field, took time out to text during the drive.

Remember, defense wins championships, and in a league where you score every time or you lose, defense is the opposite of scoring. There are several keys 1) Never have an ego so large that you throw a football larger that you should (this is known as a ‘Hot Dog’ in Darian-speak), 2) Always find the safety versus a man/woman-to-man/woman defense, 3) Protect the ball in inclement weather, 4) Avoid forced genders if possible, 5) Avoid the gender-only scores, and 6) Control the clock. Team #98 violated several of these rules in the way that sleeping with your cousin violates so many things in so many ways…

The WAWYTWW’s second drive moved the ball initially but they violated the Darian Asghari rule of ‘Don’t throw a hot-dog in the rain’ (Throwing a large football in inclement conditions). The purveyor of the ‘Asghari Hot-Dog Rule’ himself picked off the wobbling duck of a pass from the lame-duck quarterback and the momentum had changed.

Halftime brought another huddle of intensity, akin to the cone of silence that Maxwell Smart used during so many hilarity-ridden episodes of ‘Get Smart.’ Plans for two-point conversions were plotted, gender play strategy was galvanized, and team unity peaked. Deciding against the Week 3 chant of ‘Bleed,’ the Untouchabohs huddle broke with an exclamation so inspiring that it brought tears to praying Himalayan Monks.

The first drive of the second half milked almost four minutes of time, mixed a blend of short and intermediate passes and proved to be the first time all game that the ‘Bohs hit their rhythm. Completions to Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin, Danielle ‘Fighting Irish’ Madison, and decoys to Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren perpetuated a drive so sexy that nearby birds were aroused. Unfortunately for the Untouchabohs, the weather god Al ‘Weather Devil’ Roker removed the blessed sun from the sky and doused your glorious ‘Bohs with a short-lived yet torrential downpour! Fortunately for the ‘Bohs, they do not violate cardinal rules of this football-like game and QB Hughes proved to play well with wet balls. The focus of the Untouchabohs receivers increased as the rain became as intense as a motherly guilt trip around her birthday (just kidding mom!).

Following the score to put the ‘Bohs up 20-8 the soggy conditions caught-up to players on both sides of the field. During Team #98’s ensuing drive, calamity struck in the form of a sprained ankle for Lauren ‘I’m Engaged!’ Havery, who also recently participated in the Baltimore Marathon. Due to the lightly-staffed Fe-Untouchabohs this meant that they would play the rest of the game 7-on-8. Filled with concern for their injured friend the intensity level increased for the remainder of the game – and with 13 minutes remaining there was still plenty of time. Execution of the ‘Offense is Defense, Bitch!’ Offense (Henceforth known as the OD,B offense) became critical.

Several completions to Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne, Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray, and Lauren ‘I don’t wear cleats, even when I can run the risk of tearing my hamstring so terribly that it requires surgery to reattach it to by hip-bone, like Ray Lewis had in 2005, as Al Roker called for rain and the field is turning to mush and someone on my team got hurt too’ Asghari. The BSSCPN read of the game occurred on this drive as the quarterback, sensing their focus increasing as the game was slipping from their grasp, eyed-up Mr. Layne for the completion. As the defense converged on Mr. Layne like vultures converging on a dead, bloated, rhinoceros, the QB pumped and tossed the ball to an uncovered receiver almost 20 yards downfield. Confidence brimming, arrogance diffused, and the opponent deflated, the Untouchabohs scored a touchdown and two-point conversion to extend the lead to 28-14.

The game ended with a final score of 36-26 as the teams traded touchdowns on the remaining possessions. Of note, a failed ‘Irish’ play that will be used on gender conversions the rest of the season… perhaps the team shall utilize Fe-QBDBMVP Lauren Asghari as the receiver to gain an extra point on the conversion. All told, the Untouchabohs were still able to outscore the overnamed opponent (Really? We Are Who You Thought We Were? Lame.) 16-14 despite being down a key female. Kudos to the focused Untouchabohs and their OD,B offense.

Next up is one more undefeated team as the Untouchabohs face Jessica Marshall’s Johnson In the Slot (Team #138, Royal Blue, 6-0) on Patterson High School Field #5 at 11:00 am. Participation will be crucial as 4 of the ‘Bohs’ last 5 losses, over two seasons were driven by a forfeit or a lack of adequate substitutions. It should also be noted that one of those losses occurred at Patterson High School Field #4 when an unholy demon of a referee sabotaged the vainglorious Untouchabohs. Hopefully, if the Untouchabohs can execute, they can rename this opponent and Jessica Marshall will find that the Johnson is actually in the...

Potpourri: The Untouchabohs will face their fourth undefeated team this season, not including the week 1 contest before teams had played; ‘Bohs QBs have thrown 30 TDs and 1 interception; The turnover differential today was 2-0 in favor of the ‘Bohs (not including the end of game drive); Gender play touchdowns included a 1-0 for the ‘Bohs; Johnson In The Slot has already played 4 games at PHS #5 and may have a home-field advantage of sorts; Though nobody can really keep track, it appears the ‘Bohs won the time-of-possession by some undisclosed margin; Humor visited concurrently with the rain when the ex-football playing referee decided to 'swim move' the Untouchabohs' offensive line and sack the 'Bohs' QB...

Injuries: Lauren Havery (ankle) – Doubtful, Chris Nelson (moving) – Out, Darian Asghari (ankle, quad) – Questionable, Keith Levin (ankle) – Probable, Tim Lambert (lucidity) – Probable, Adrian Hughes, V (speed) – Probable (yup, his speed is broken).

Intrepid Untouchabohs Seeking to Defeat 5-0 Team #98

2009-10-22T10:22:00.000-04:00

Defense and Clock Management Keys to Victory

A showdown of sorts will occur this Saturday as two playoff-caliber teams come head-to-head on LK Field #2 at 10:00 am. The undefeated We Are Who You Thought We Were (Team #98, Black, 5-0) face Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 4-1) in a home matchup that could determine who enters the postseason.

Chaz Chikeka will most likely lead his team at the quarterback position as he did last fall against the Untouchabohs in a game the ‘Bohs forfeited due to lack of game-time attendance. The team employs two quarterbacks in a similar way to the ‘Bohs’ gameplan – with one QB dominating the passing game and the second dominating the rushing game.

Defense will be key for the Untouchabohs – this is another quarterback who calls routes at the line of scrimmage, similar to what we saw when playing the Mustangs in Week 4. Uttered several times last season, the ‘F’ receiver (the 7th receiver on the line of scrimmage when counting from right to left) was told to run a route that appeared consistent. Additionally, this team repeatedly goes deep which will hopefully be their downfall.

On offense, the ‘Bohs will operate their version of the ‘Spread’ offense where everyone spreads out and runs routes that are unknown even to the quarterback. In addition to reading the defense, the ‘Bohs QB needs to read the receiver too. That said, several designed running plays with Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin taking the direct snap while in motion is certain to confuse the defense. A secret weapon has emerged from the 3.5 person Tuesday practice and will also be unveiled on Saturday. A tight ball control offense that favors conservative playcalling in the first half will control the clock, keep the defense fresh, and keep the opponent’s offense on the sideline.

This team has abundant athleticism and will be a formidable opponent so execution shall be the third key component of this game. The Untouchabohs begin the first possession of their games lacking a sense of urgency while also dropping the ball consistently. This type of laissez-faire attitude will not allow a defeat of the undefeated WAWYTWW.

See you all at the game this Saturday, let’s go Untouchabohs!

Untouchabohs Display Grit, Guile, and Guts in Come-From Behind VICTORY

2009-10-12T15:55:00.000-04:00

Nelson Seals Deal in 34-28 Victory

(Aqua Iggy News) 10 October 2009 – Two BSSC 3rd-league titans collided today at Lou Karpouzie Field #2 (LK #2) in a game marred by horrendous officiating, a spitting rain, traffic complications, and an ugly opponent as the glorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 4-1) upended the overconfident Charm City Blitz (Team #105, Light Blue, 4-1).

Starting 7-on-8 due to the marathon-related traffic issues your Untouchabohs used a ton of clock to get a 4th-and-Mid about 5 yards from the line-of-gain. The quarterback Hughes, faking a pass to the right, sprinted (truffle-shuffle) left and crossed the midline with the ball and was THEN tagged by a dim-witted defender on the Pansy Blues. But wait, there’s more! The high-pitched sideline judge, high on the fumes emanating from his stinky feet and obviously intoxicated, said that the ball and not the whole body of the quarterback crossed the midline - which is a turnover – and the Pansies have the edge. Quick acting by Chris ‘Full’ Nelson and the newly-married (Congrats Will!) Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray kept the animalistically-crazed Hughes in check as he was extremely close to throwing the football through the Sputnik-sized noggin of the Forrest Gump-like referee.

Charm City Blitz quickly drove down the field on the intensified ‘Bohs to score and convert a two-pointer and go up 7-0 after the turnover. This tragic tomfoolery served to focus the talented ‘Bohs who were gaining reserves, and momentum, by the moment as the Asgharis, Biscotti Binetti, and Lexi K. arrived sporadically through the first half. The Untouchabohs, on high alert, drove down the field with a purpose to bring the score to 6-7. It should be noted that the Pansies attempt to unravel the opponent’s character by audibly ‘slapping’ their hands on the ball carriers and bruising team members. Shame, since the Untouchabohs are a team with such high character that foreign countries send diplomats to ‘Bohs games to observe superior sportsmanship. With character peaking and momentum building the tides were turning in a glorious way.

Defense wins championships and there are two ways to play defense in this league. The first is by controlling the clock when on offense and managing down, distance, and gender. Here, second year-quarterback Hughes seems to have finally figured it out though he is aided by the most athletic receiving corps in the BSSCXSLF (no, that’s not a roman numeral) league. The second is by playing a well-coordinated man-to-man defense with shut down players. It was on this defensive stop-of-destiny that Chris ‘Shutdown’ Nelson (fueled by ethanol) ripped the semi-inflated composite leather (no pigskin here) out of the hands of the opponent for a game changing interception.

The Untouchabohs controlled the clock to drive down the field and score a crucial TD to bring it to 12-7. Several amazing catches were made; the best was a highly contested, sideline-hugging, tightrope –walking reception by the female Asghari that will be retired as one of the BSSCPN Top 100 plays of all time. The length of this drive was vital since the Pansy Blue, who thought they were better than they were despite coming into the game with four wins against teams with a combined 4-12 record. They lost their cool and allowed time to expire in the first half without scoring again. Defense wins championships and the Untouchabohs were in the lead.

Halftime brought an unexpected environmental lesson from the Geologist regarding the origin of the field name and factoids about the adjacent property. The field, named after a Baltimore gentleman/roughneck who was the manager of the city’s Department of Special Events and spent off-hours feeding the poor and hungry in Patterson High School’s cafeteria, also sits adjacent to a highly-contaminated superfund site in Baltimore. That ‘driving range’ you can view is actually a cap over a leaky landfill that has contributed a 2.5 mile plume of chlorinated solvents to the east and south under several city neighborhoods.

The aggressive and tactless taggers drove down to score on the first possession of the second half with a 6 minute drive aided by several poor calls by the oaf-like puddle of daisy-yellow attired goo. All told, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, did not yield the conversion and trailed again 12-13. Unfazed, the ‘Bohs’ offense took the field against the Sky Blue Snowballers (not involving ice, if you get my drift), known throughout the league as a hideously disfigured team, and peppered them with a mixture of short and intermediate passes culminating in a score so satisfying it felt more like kissing Mia Hamm and less like kissing a baked ham. The pass to the corner of the end zone put the lead at 18-13. The two-pointer, a lofted pass through the cold, black, heart of the defense, found its way into the supple hands of Bruce ‘McConversion’ McMillion to further put the antagonists behind 20-13.

Defense wins championships, and the Untouchabohs’ females are championship caliber in both looks and skills. Neither whoreish nor promiscuous, though gorgeous, the female ‘Bohs exhibit the skillz that pay the billz. On a crucial third down on Team 105’s side of the field the Lady Untouchabohs adeptly stopped the female Charm City Blitz counterparts, who appeared to have been blitzed themselves repeatedly throughout life, forcing the unthinkable. This little piggy’s attempt to tie the game went wee-wee-wee all the way home as the punt, a rare occurrence in such a league, fell directly on the cone (that covered the dead body...).

Foresight is important in winning games and the only ‘fore’ that the Powder Blue Pansies displayed was a forlorn quality as the punt landed in ‘Bohs territory. Had foresight been present, this team would have chosen the wind in the second half. Had they done so, the punt would have been with the wind and would have likely gained more yards. Thank heavens for the ‘Bohs that the smooth-brained leaders of the Light Blue Brigade chose as poorly as that German dude in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Assuming the Untouchabohs could mount a drive it would spell penultimate doom for the aqua-esque assenters.

Hughes then mixed passes to both genders while feigning runs to get the team to a 4th-and-Mid with about 5 yards to go. After enduring another count by the high-pitched, indigo-clad, and somewhat moronic line judge who defines the word ‘doofus,’ screaming “1-button, 2-button, etc…” like a squirrel on crack, the QB attempted a short completion to Darian ‘Adective’ Asghari. The ass, aka ‘defender,’ tried to go through Mr. Asghari to break up the play and the ball hit the ground – or did it. A unified team front staged by the Untouchabohs trumped the weakling referee’s impotent confusion and the catch was declared, amazingly, a catch. Replays later showed a blatant case of pass interference that appeared more like the dry-humping of the receiver’s, um, naughty bits.

The spirit of the evil powder blue boxes of tools never really broke – or perhaps that was simply the perception of a bunch of wacked-out amphetamine-laden boll weevil-ish – as they feverishly smacked, beat, and spanked the Untouchabohs in the hopes of causing retaliation. Such juvenile tactics never work on a team with character best described as granite-like, and at worst, extraordinary. Your Baltimore Untouchabohs drove down the field and scored another key touchdown. The dagger of a two-point conversion (McConversion again) pushed the lead to 28-13.
Team 105 answered with a score and conversion to get the game within 8 at 28-20 in a display of angry pride of which the Dark One would have been proud. Never to be outdone, the Untouchabohs, now lead by an angry Hughes, took the cue from their quarterback and key receivers and went for the jugular. Setting up the deep ball all game with fake scrambles and shovel-passes, Hughes feigned a shovel pass to Danielle ’20 catches’ Madison and examined the defense on the tandem routes of Chris ‘The Closer’ Nelson and Keith ‘Throw it Deep’ Levin. The routes worked, the pump fake froze the safety like a crab on dry ice, and the QB delivered a deep full-field spiral to Nelson in full stride – all the while one could hear the wind leaving the sails of the Evil Blues as the goal line was crossed.

A garbage-time score finalized the score at 34-28 though it took a remarkable bounce, another blown call, and some unnecessary roughness by the Light Blue Asses to make that happen with 2 seconds remaining. The ball was downed to end the game and the righteous were rewarded with a victory extracted from the clutches of potential defeat. The BSSC deities smiled on the classy, disciplined, and focused Untouchabohs who never blinked in the face of adversity. In fact, they unified and became stronger in the face of a petulant paper-tiger present in the form of the Charm City Schlitz (um, beer ;-) ).

Up next for the Untouchabohs is Go Deep (Team #119, Black, 1-3 at time of press) coached by Lauren Hoffman on Saturday, 17 October 2009 at Patterson Park Field #7. This is a trap game for the Untouchabohs who last lost on an odd numbered date (3 October 2009) at Patterson Park and also lost to the Spring Team #119 (Da Borough) in last year’s finale. Focus will need to be on display as will a need to work on conversions as the two other remaining games are against Team #98 (4-0) and Team #138 (4-0).

Potpourri: Team 105 featured a childhood rival of Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren; “Don’t Call Me Klevin” appeared after 1.5 hours of traffic due to the marathon and contributed greatly to the win; the duo known as ‘Klavery’ is engaged and we all congratulate you both on the announcement! Hughes lost his voice temporarily, along with his mind, when picked during a TD; His repeated screams of ‘Pick’ echoed throughout the field causing strange stares from everyone present; JD’s is a wonderful place for post-game libations; The ‘Bohs have outscored opponents 176-118 this season – 25TDs and 1 INT (40% conversions); Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert made a wonderful play on a deep ball in the first half; Hughes should have intercepted the ball and will spend the week doing interval training to increase explosiveness; The combined record of Go Deep’s opponents this year is 4-12 while they have only beaten Team #132 who is winless; I’m celebrating my Mom’s birthday this Saturday; The ring that Keith picked out is very attractive; Da Borough, from last year, is now in the Tastes Great league; Kudos to Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne and Lauren Havery who were the Untouchabohs’ members to run in part or all of the Baltimore Marathon, great work!

Untouchabohs Upended in Season's First Non-Win/Non-Tie

2009-10-06T15:23:00.000-04:00

Maximum Effort Given in Non-Win to Mustangs

(Disassociated Press) 3 October 2009 - In a battle of unbeaten teams many factors can sway the outcome of a game and the most impactful evil that can befall the chosen ones is a turnover. Unfortunately for your Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 3-1), a turnover swung the course of the game in a non-win/non-tie to the ugly and spiteful Mustangs (Team #141, Ugly Grey, 4-0) at 3:00 pm on Patterson Park Field #5.

Winning the toss again, Captain 'Mad Dog' Lambert gave the ball to the 'Bohs on the opening drive on a spectacular autumn day featuring an interesting crowd of bystanders and one empty city pool. Your protagonists penetrated the opponents well-designed and mobile zone to score the opening touchdown of the game and, after failing to convert on the PAT because of a well-placed defender, held a 6-0 lead.

The Mustangs, who the Untouchabohs had last faced a year earlier (and lost to convincingly on LK #2) employed a tactical offense replete with play-calling and designed routes while downright violating the defense’s soft zone. It should be noted that the 'Bohs had only employed a zone three other times in the last 3 seasons - all games that culminated in defeat. That the 'Bohs even attempted a zone will always be characterized as an intelligent design - not to be confused with the idea that the earth is only 4,000 years old & dinosaurs co-existed with humans - as they did not have as much depth as usual on the defensive side of the ball. Never to be lost in the discussion though, the Mustangs (now to be known as the Horse's Asses) were stacked with athleticism on both sides of the ball. Some of the HA’s ladies likely had male genatalia (I’m not sayin’… I’m just sayin…).

After the Mustangs took the lead with a touchdown and conversion to a shaggy-haired, clean-faced, non-shaving, and very (very) fast Jonas Brother Look-a-Like the Untouchabohs drove down the field only to be screwed like a naughty light bulb by the portly referee who looks like a Kevin Smith wannabe. On a third-and-goal the referee incorrectly told the 'Bohs that it was 3rd and 2 completions. Unfortunately, after a quick toss for 1 yard was executed as such a down-and-distance calls for; the referee then changed his thought and decided that it was, indeed, 4th and goal. The Untouchabohs, never flustered, called a beautiful play that was broken up in the end zone. The evil land of yellow-wearing referees and cosmic forces conspired against the glorious 'Bohs, known throughout the league as a very attractive team, and put them down by one possession, 14-6.

Mettle was on display all day by such players as Jonny 'I'm running a marathon AND I'm a secret agent' Layne, Chris 'Full' Nelson, and Darian 'The Guy in the Red Shorts is Good' Asghari. The QB led the team on another drive, mixing in the run, short, intermediate, and long passes to even the score at 14 apiece.

Having switched to a man-to-man defense after the first defensive debacle did slow down the smoking, drinking, and well-versed quarterback of the Ugly Grey (Notice spelling grey in a way to differentiate the evilness from our own newly-married member Will 'The Engineer' Gray) though a turnover did not result from the switch and the antagonists advanced ahead of the 'Bohs 22-14. The BSSC 'Almost' Play of the game came on the Untouchabohs next possession with 8 seconds remaining before the end of the half. As time expired, Hughes elevated a pass down the left side of the field intended for Nelson who quickly caught the ball at the 8 yard line and lateraled to Fe-QBDBMVP Lauren Asghari who was 'tackled' just short of the line-of-gain. This close call would have given the Untouchabohs a chance in the second half but it was not in the cards. Vegas won this time - that filthy whore.

One tactical play was executed to perfection, though, and the Untouchabohs capitalized. In the second half, in need of a quick score, Hughes took the snap and feigned his characteristic QB run (that Keith 'Don't Call Me Klevin' Levin hates). The evil grey Horse's Ass female with the horrible nose and even worse attitude crossed the line early and fondled the quarterback with her body but failed to 'tackle' Hughes illegally behind the line of scrimmage. Hughes, aware of the 'free play' waved his receivers deep, pumped left and found an uncovered 'Full' Nelson in the right corner for a touchdown.

Though the Untouchabohs ultimately lost by two scores didn't diminish the intensity and determination on display. Drops permeated several offensive drives but each time a ball was dropped the next pass was crisper and the receiver that much more focused. When a completion occurred the defender stuck that person that much more closely on the next pass, when someone scored, the 'Bohs intensity increased on the next play. It is also encouraging that the Untouchabohs displayed a deep game that they had hidden all year and executed perfectly – showing the big-play ability they hadn’t needed yet all year. Also encouraging is the calmness displayed while behind as the ‘Bohs have mentally collapsed several times in previous years. All told, maximum effort was given all game despite the team running out of gas at the end.

The Untouchabohs' next matchup is 10 October 2009 on LK field #2 at 11:00 against another undefeated team, the Charm City Blitz (Team #105, Light Blue, 4-0). Though the final score wasn't in favor of your purple-clad fantasy team, there wasn't a doubt in the world that the 'Bohs gave it their best and never lost their cool, even in defeat.

Potpourri: The 'Bohs gave up 3 gender play touchdowns, no gender play touchdowns had been scored against them in 3 previous games; Jonny 'Secret Agent' Layne had the catch of the game with a diving reception gathered after the ball almost bounced away (BSSC Top 10 Play); The opponent QB wasn't calling plays at the line - just simple pass routes to key receivers (this will be their demise in a rematch); a new addition for Team #130 - Jess 'The Iron Maiden' Hayden had several receptions for the team; Neel 'I like massages at home, please' Gulhar left early to attend to personal business; Greg was the name of the Grey receiver who Adrian almost creamed on a completion in the first half; The Untouchabohs obviously determine the Ravens' fate and had better win on October 10th; The word that indicates a non-win/non-tie will not be used the rest of the year; Special congratulations to Keith & Lauren (Klavery), and to Will & Katrina Gray!

'Business Time' Given the Business During Field Four Rout

2009-09-27T12:11:00.000-04:00

Defense Pitches Shutout in 38-0 Victory

(Aqua Iggy News) 26 September 2009 – A spitting rain, a cool autumn day, Patterson Park field #4, and a pissed-off Untouchabohs team led to an absolute massacre of their opponent. If boringly-named Business Time (Team #117, Black, 1-2) ever had a chance against the gloriously-named Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 3-0) it ended when the sun rose in the east - indicating that only cosmic forces could have given the 'Bohs a loss on Saturday.

Coach Timothy 'Mad Dog' Lambert again blessed the divine Untouchabohs team by choosing odd when the well-built and handsome requested odd or even. This ploy has been effective previously this year when the opponent still chose wrong and gave the Untouchabohs the ball to start the game anyway. Tisk, tisk, tisk – haven’t you heard?! The ‘Bohs will destroy you when getting the ball first, especially on a week following Aaron ‘T franchise’ Warren’s birthday. This also secured the wind in the second half of the game which came into play significantly.

The opening drive was dominated by attentive ‘Bohs receivers running routes that only a deity could have run better. QB Adrian ‘Aqua Iggy’ Hughes, V made several easy throws that even a lame, old, and left-handed drunken monkey could have completed. The BT zone was so porous, and slack, that none of the defenders would have been struck had a meteor shower descended on the field during the game. The two-point conversion was successful and the glorious Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, were up 8-0.

The theme of offensive dominance cast by the ‘Bohs was offset by the offensive impotence of BT – recently renamed ED and now a shamed sponsor of Viagra. The stout ‘Bohs defense held against a quarterback that Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne correctly labeled as a Randy Jackson – Donovan McNabb lovechild. Neither one admits to videotaping the incident though Paris Hilton was quoted as uttering, ‘That’s Hot.’ This was a sign of things to come as ED turned the ball over for the first time in the game by breaking a BSSC cardinal rule of facing 4th-and-mid/goal before obtaining your two completions.

The ‘Bohs offense again faced little, if any, resistance on their second drive of the game as ED’s defense acted like flood barriers around Harrisburg during Hurricane Agnes. Several short completions and some yardage-after-catch (YAC) receptions spectacularly finished the drive via TD and a two-point conversion to put the marvelous Untouchabohs up by 16 with only a few minutes to go in the first half.

The overmatched ED’s displayed another textbook manifestation of offensive ineptitude by again failing to convert a 4th-and-goal possession. Credit should be given to the ball-hawking instincts of the ‘Bohs defenders as their hands were all over the opponents’ balls (tee hee hee) and could have had multiple interceptions. Field conditions definitely caused the ED’s ball to be slipperier than usual and the possession gave the Untouchabohs’ defense their third turnover of the game – a staggering statistic. A humorous play occurred on the next Untouchabohs’ drive with Hughes running away from the really quick female pass-rusher all the way past the midfield line and back across the line for a 5 yard gain. All of this despite ‘Secret Agent’ Layne wide open in the corner of the end zone and after the ‘Bohs’ receivers were forced to continually run around like headless chickens whilst the ‘husky’ Hughes lumbered about in the offensive backfield.

Minor drama began the second-half as the celestially divine ‘Bohs’ defense took the field with a 24-0 lead. For the first time in history a pass interference call was levied on the Untouchabohs dynamic female duo of Lauren & Lauren giving them a substantial amount of yardage. Such physical play is amazing and puts contact into the offensive females’ minds – they heard footsteps for the rest of the game.

The pride of the newly-named Erectile Dysfunctions (version 2009) was broken on the next series. Shuffle passes to several ‘Bohs players moved the team down the field quickly to setup the return of Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari when she burned her slightly overweight, moderately attractive, and extremely overmatched defender for a long TD reception. The failed two-point conversion was one of the only blemishes as Hughes’ throw sailed with the wind and over the intended receiver who was in the end zone and not on an adjacent field.

Darian ‘Terrell Owens’ Asghari intercepted another hitch-released throw by the lovechild QB giving the ‘Bohs’ offense another crack at the ball after another attempt from the very tall individual to many of his McNugget-sized receiving corps. To the amazement of the Untouchabohs, the drive used almost 6 minutes of time and they were still only barely past the midfield line… poor clock management at best.

After the interception Coach Mad Dog was making several ‘milk the cow’ motions from the sideline so that the QB would ‘milk’ the clock and shorten the game. Unfortunately for the EDs, Hughes had other thoughts on his mind.

Just like the first play of the previous drive when ‘Secret Agent’ Layne went deep (incomplete as the ball sailed) the ‘Bohs sent Chris ‘Full’ Nelson deep on the first play. Seen on BSSCPN highlights Nelson, under the watchful eye of his recent bride, ran a 50 yard corner route. Immediately out of his cut, Nelson received the ball that was released with such velocity that the audible onomatopoeiatic ‘thud’ downfield was heard by all of Baltimore and provided the final nail in the coffin for the Black-donning infidels.

The special quality of this team is that it transcends some of the BSSC cardinal rules. Though yet to be behind by more than 2 points all season, the Untouchabohs can either take the air of the ball and milk the clock or score quickly and turn a deficit into a lead via defense and converting PATs. As long as the ‘Bohs have enough players show up, you will be defeated.

The team will be without the duo known as ‘Klavery’ next week, Will ‘The Engineer’ (his wedding!), Kendall Crawford (Will’s wedding), the Asgharis, and several others in a matchup of undefeated teams as the Untouchabohs take on the Mustangs (Team #142, Gray, 3-0) at 3:00 pm at Patterson Park Field #5.

POTPOURRI: The referee thanked the Untouchabohs for a ‘clean’ game, something that has never happened before; Additional first – pass interference called on a gender play; The ‘Bohs forced 6 turnovers yesterday in 6 opponent possessions; Untouchabohs have outscored opponents 114-44; Defense wins championships; Lexi K. dominated again for the second straight week; Contact Bruce and Kathy about the bullroast on Oct. 24th; A disturbing cry emanated from the ‘Bohs huddle in the second half… someone thought they screamed ‘Bleed!’

Difficult Road-to-Hoe Facing 2-0 Untouchabohs

2009-09-24T11:06:00.000-04:00

24 September 2009 (Disassociated Press) - The Mad Dog Lambert-led Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 2-0) are off to a perfect 2-0 start to the Fall 2009 season after a massacre of Finger Blasters (Team #141, Red, 0-2) and a tense victory over the GPafGs (Team #89, Vegas Gold, 1-1). The remainder of the season poses the biggest challenges yet to come.

Early season matchups are difficult to gauge since most teams are exhibiting rust from a summer offseason of booze, babes, brawn, and delicious grilled meat. What is not difficult to gauge is the combined record of all of the Untouchabohs’ upcoming opponents. All told, the combined record of all 8 of the ‘Bohs’ opponents is 11-5 so far this season – removing Team #130’s victories (losses by those two teams) the combined record becomes a significantly more impressive 11-3. In fact, 4 of the remaining opponents for the Purple Scourge are currently undefeated.

Up next for the Bohs is the one-loss Team #117, the boringly-named ‘Business Time’ who dons the generally intimidating color Black. They are coming off of a defeat to the Oh-so-naughtily-named ‘Touchdown There’ (Team #100, Military Green, 1-1) whose only loss has come to the Blake Jury led Black team (Team #125, Black, 2-0) which the Bohs have yet to beat in head-to-head contests. You will remember that the Untouchabohs lost a tense match to this team in Fall 2008 on Patterson Park Field 6 with the short and Caucasian quarterback (Blake himself) constantly calling ‘G-7’ on plays where the ‘G’ receiver would run a 5 yard out against man-to-man coverage. They were also present to witness a Bohs win last season at DCC #1 when they took the field after we did and massacred their opponent – they took special notice of the Lauren Asghari gender-lateral play…

Nonetheless the Untouchabohs’ offense has been on fire so far this season with 12 touchdowns in 15 seasonal possessions. Of the three drives not ending in TDs, the first was a failed 4th and goal (up 3 scores), the second was a pick on a Hail Mary at the end of the first half, and the last was a clock-killing drive that culminated in the expiration of the game. Not all is perfect, though, in the Land of Pleasant Living.

Of the 12 touchdowns through the first two games the Bohs have played so far, only two of them have culminated with a conversion of some type. Both of those occurred in the first game against an overmatched softie (Finger Blasters – still a stupid name without meaning). QB ‘I’m not Corey Mathews’ Hughes will strategize with perfect strategery (quoted from GWBush) this next week with a team of individuals designated for the 2-point conversion which will include Don’t-Call-Me-Klevin Levin, Chris ‘Full’ Nelson, Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray, and Kendall ‘Deep’ (KD for short) Crawford in addition to other members of your 2009 Untouchabohs.

Regardless of the outcome, Saturday’s matchup of Business Time and the Baltimore Untouchabohs should be a great game to watch, participate in, and celebrate afterwards. It should be noted that JD’s, a BSSC sponsor bar, is apparently sponsoring Aaron Warren’s 22nd birthday celebration this Saturday… contact ’20 catches’ Madison for details.

Good Luck this weekend to the Untouchabohs as they hope that Patterson Park Field #4 at 4:00 PM yields a third consecutive win in 2009! Gooooooooo ‘BOHS!

Untouchabohs Contine Winning Ways as Autumnal Equinox Arrives

2009-09-19T23:23:00.000-04:00

Defense Leads the Way in 30-20 Win

(Aqua Iggy News) 19 September 2009 – A five-yard out in the left flat turned into disaster for Gender Plays are for Girls (Team #89, Vegas Gold, 1-1) as a bobbled reception attempt was picked off by Chris ‘Full’ Nelson and run in for a game changing touchdown leading the Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 2-0) to their second win of the season.

The sun was a factor today on a blisteringly beautiful day that defines September in Baltimore on the day of the autumnal equinox of 2009 (check out the world daylight map here). Taking the opening drive down for a touchdown the Untouchabohs failed to convert the point-after-try (PAT) for the 6th time in 8 touchdowns and took the lead 6-0. The initial possession for GPafG (what an annoying name) ended quickly as a pass into the left flat turned into a touchdown as the ‘Bohs defender slipped on the morning dew that was kissing the grass as the sun was still rising over Patterson High School Field #5 (Home of the Clippers).

The conversion put the evil Team #89 up by two points over the stunned ‘Bohs. The protagonist Untouchabohs exhibited mettle and grit while the QB Hughes picked apart another sloppy zone defense to score a second touchdown of the game though they failed to convert again on the PAT. For the ‘Bohs to continue deep into the playoffs this trend of PATs (now 2/9) must cease.

Rapid substitutions by Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray (no completions allowed today) and the rest of the ‘Bohs defense proved imperative to their continued defensive dominance. After two interceptions last week the ‘Bohs suffocating defense brought the obviously-named Gender Plays are for Girls (I’ve heard better names) to their knees like a congregation being chastised by an angry Catholic Priest.

The turning point came with the lamely-named team led by an overconfident yet marginally handsome and egocentric coach decided to contribute to ‘Full’ Nelson’s play of the week – officially the second week that an Untouchabohs player reached #1 on the BSSCPN ‘Top 10’ list. That pivotal play placed the ‘Bohs ahead 18-14 with time left in the first half.

The stout defense of the Untouchabohs refused to yield and fought for another turnover (on downs) by resolutely repressing the offensive offerings of the wispy GPafGs (Gapaff-gahs for those of you reading aloud from home). This gave the ‘Bohs offense 40 seconds (after using their 1st timeout of the season) to try to extend the lead. A nice completion put the ‘Bohs across the half-line a Hail-Mary was intercepted in the end zone to lend the first half… but not so fast my friend… that’s not all!

The interceptor ran untouched up the offensive left sideline with a clear path to the end zone but Darian ‘T.O.’ Asghari repeated yelled that he was out-of-bounds causing the slack-jawed (really… his jaw was half to the ground though disguised with red bearding) defender to slow in his tracks and get tackled by the QB who didn’t stop until the whistle blew. The tactical advantage that the tempestuous center/receiver/safety provided shifted the momentum of the game and caused fissuring in the resolve of the Gapaff-gahs.

The 10 point lead carried through halftime was cut down to 4 when the opening drive of the enemy resulted in a touchdown. Though the ‘Bohs were playing their trademark man-to-man defense they still forced the Gapaff-gahs to use a lot of clock and gave the ball to the beautiful Untouchabohs – known league-wide to be an attractive team – with 15 minutes to play in the game.

The ensuing ‘Bohs drive milked several minutes off the clock but left the ‘Bohs, still only up by 4 points, at the Gapaff-gahs one-yard line and facing a 4th and goal (open) with a forced-gender on the PAT if they scored. After the clock struck midnight (okay, 5 seconds) Lexi K. cleared her way open on the offensive left side of the field – perpetually the soft underbelly of the horrendously colored ‘Vegas Gold’ (Dirty Mustard) team – for the TD and an open conversion attempt. Though the attempt failed (2/12 for the year) the lead again stood at 10 points with less than 10 minutes remaining.

Untouchabohs football is defensive football – defensive stops and a mastery of the inanimate clock that controls the on-field action. Arrogant, Team #89 drove the ball down the field again ignorant of their destiny of losing this game and presented themselves with first-and-goal from 15 yards out (aided by a questionable call on ‘Full’ Nelson who headlocks defenders without even touching them). After a short completion and several incompletions, Lexi K. added herself to the lexicon of defensive stops by knocking down an end zone attempt and giving the offense the chance to end the game for the second straight week.

Two completions and a run across the half-line later the Untouchabohs secured their second straight victory – a tense 30-20 nail-biter – over an evil adversary who is thinking more about the solstice than the equinox.. Hopefully the ‘Bohs will be at full strength next week so the females don’t need to overextend themselves as they take on ‘Business Time’ (Team #117, Black, 2-0) at 4:00 pm at Patterson Park Field #4. Hopefully, though, the Untouchabohs will be the ones to give Team #117, ‘the business.’

Potpourri: Last week’s gum on Adrian’s shoe was gone by the end of the game; Jonny Layne was incorrectly credited with an interception last week – the correct interceptor was Keith ‘Don’t call me Klevin’ Levin who also had 6 receptions; Lauren Havery should return next week providing the ‘Bohs with the potent combination known as ‘Klavery’; The ‘Bohs are 2/12 on conversions this year; Lindsay ‘The Leopard’s’ Spotts played every play despite an undisclosed illness (wink wink); Will and Kendall only allowed one reception to their opponents all game (amazing!); 'Bohs QBs have 11 TDs and 1 INT all year; Hughes overheard the opponents whining miserably to the referee about the physical play on defense; JD’s as the sponsor bar is a delicious way to have post-game nourishment and spirits!