'Business Time' Given the Business During Field Four Rout

Defense Pitches Shutout in 38-0 Victory

(Aqua Iggy News) 26 September 2009 – A spitting rain, a cool autumn day, Patterson Park field #4, and a pissed-off Untouchabohs team led to an absolute massacre of their opponent. If boringly-named Business Time (Team #117, Black, 1-2) ever had a chance against the gloriously-named Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 3-0) it ended when the sun rose in the east - indicating that only cosmic forces could have given the 'Bohs a loss on Saturday.

Coach Timothy 'Mad Dog' Lambert again blessed the divine Untouchabohs team by choosing odd when the well-built and handsome requested odd or even. This ploy has been effective previously this year when the opponent still chose wrong and gave the Untouchabohs the ball to start the game anyway. Tisk, tisk, tisk – haven’t you heard?! The ‘Bohs will destroy you when getting the ball first, especially on a week following Aaron ‘T franchise’ Warren’s birthday. This also secured the wind in the second half of the game which came into play significantly.

The opening drive was dominated by attentive ‘Bohs receivers running routes that only a deity could have run better. QB Adrian ‘Aqua Iggy’ Hughes, V made several easy throws that even a lame, old, and left-handed drunken monkey could have completed. The BT zone was so porous, and slack, that none of the defenders would have been struck had a meteor shower descended on the field during the game. The two-point conversion was successful and the glorious Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, were up 8-0.

The theme of offensive dominance cast by the ‘Bohs was offset by the offensive impotence of BT – recently renamed ED and now a shamed sponsor of Viagra. The stout ‘Bohs defense held against a quarterback that Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne correctly labeled as a Randy Jackson – Donovan McNabb lovechild. Neither one admits to videotaping the incident though Paris Hilton was quoted as uttering, ‘That’s Hot.’ This was a sign of things to come as ED turned the ball over for the first time in the game by breaking a BSSC cardinal rule of facing 4th-and-mid/goal before obtaining your two completions.

The ‘Bohs offense again faced little, if any, resistance on their second drive of the game as ED’s defense acted like flood barriers around Harrisburg during Hurricane Agnes. Several short completions and some yardage-after-catch (YAC) receptions spectacularly finished the drive via TD and a two-point conversion to put the marvelous Untouchabohs up by 16 with only a few minutes to go in the first half.

The overmatched ED’s displayed another textbook manifestation of offensive ineptitude by again failing to convert a 4th-and-goal possession. Credit should be given to the ball-hawking instincts of the ‘Bohs defenders as their hands were all over the opponents’ balls (tee hee hee) and could have had multiple interceptions. Field conditions definitely caused the ED’s ball to be slipperier than usual and the possession gave the Untouchabohs’ defense their third turnover of the game – a staggering statistic. A humorous play occurred on the next Untouchabohs’ drive with Hughes running away from the really quick female pass-rusher all the way past the midfield line and back across the line for a 5 yard gain. All of this despite ‘Secret Agent’ Layne wide open in the corner of the end zone and after the ‘Bohs’ receivers were forced to continually run around like headless chickens whilst the ‘husky’ Hughes lumbered about in the offensive backfield.

Minor drama began the second-half as the celestially divine ‘Bohs’ defense took the field with a 24-0 lead. For the first time in history a pass interference call was levied on the Untouchabohs dynamic female duo of Lauren & Lauren giving them a substantial amount of yardage. Such physical play is amazing and puts contact into the offensive females’ minds – they heard footsteps for the rest of the game.

The pride of the newly-named Erectile Dysfunctions (version 2009) was broken on the next series. Shuffle passes to several ‘Bohs players moved the team down the field quickly to setup the return of Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari when she burned her slightly overweight, moderately attractive, and extremely overmatched defender for a long TD reception. The failed two-point conversion was one of the only blemishes as Hughes’ throw sailed with the wind and over the intended receiver who was in the end zone and not on an adjacent field.

Darian ‘Terrell Owens’ Asghari intercepted another hitch-released throw by the lovechild QB giving the ‘Bohs’ offense another crack at the ball after another attempt from the very tall individual to many of his McNugget-sized receiving corps. To the amazement of the Untouchabohs, the drive used almost 6 minutes of time and they were still only barely past the midfield line… poor clock management at best.

After the interception Coach Mad Dog was making several ‘milk the cow’ motions from the sideline so that the QB would ‘milk’ the clock and shorten the game. Unfortunately for the EDs, Hughes had other thoughts on his mind.

Just like the first play of the previous drive when ‘Secret Agent’ Layne went deep (incomplete as the ball sailed) the ‘Bohs sent Chris ‘Full’ Nelson deep on the first play. Seen on BSSCPN highlights Nelson, under the watchful eye of his recent bride, ran a 50 yard corner route. Immediately out of his cut, Nelson received the ball that was released with such velocity that the audible onomatopoeiatic ‘thud’ downfield was heard by all of Baltimore and provided the final nail in the coffin for the Black-donning infidels.

The special quality of this team is that it transcends some of the BSSC cardinal rules. Though yet to be behind by more than 2 points all season, the Untouchabohs can either take the air of the ball and milk the clock or score quickly and turn a deficit into a lead via defense and converting PATs. As long as the ‘Bohs have enough players show up, you will be defeated.

The team will be without the duo known as ‘Klavery’ next week, Will ‘The Engineer’ (his wedding!), Kendall Crawford (Will’s wedding), the Asgharis, and several others in a matchup of undefeated teams as the Untouchabohs take on the Mustangs (Team #142, Gray, 3-0) at 3:00 pm at Patterson Park Field #5.

POTPOURRI: The referee thanked the Untouchabohs for a ‘clean’ game, something that has never happened before; Additional first – pass interference called on a gender play; The ‘Bohs forced 6 turnovers yesterday in 6 opponent possessions; Untouchabohs have outscored opponents 114-44; Defense wins championships; Lexi K. dominated again for the second straight week; Contact Bruce and Kathy about the bullroast on Oct. 24th; A disturbing cry emanated from the ‘Bohs huddle in the second half… someone thought they screamed ‘Bleed!’