Untouchabohs Batter the Undefeated in Sloppy Beer-League Brawl

Injuries Mar 36-26 Victory


(Aqua Iggy News) 24 October 2009 – The football gods cast a stern eye on Saturday as sunny skies turned into schizophrenically scattered showers while the Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 5-1) lubed their way past We Are Who You Thought We Were (Team #98, Black, 5-1) on LK Field #2.


Though the day started by sun-kissing the superfund site adjacent to the playing fields, the weather turned mid-game into an all-out slopfest with heavy showers saturating the benevolent souls of your wonderful Untouchabohs. Never to have their flame extinguished, your intrepid heroes focused on the game like a lonely child focuses a magnifying glass on a hapless ant and ignited the fire that fuels dynastic victory.


Captain ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert again tricked the opponent into winning the challenging game of ‘odds or evens’ by calling odds even though the referee, a kind yet vociferous gent, had two fingers exposed behind his back. This allowed the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, to begin the game on their most volatile side of the ball – Defense!


Defense wins championships, and the ‘Bohs slowed the wind-backed opponent’s initial drive of the game despite ‘Bohs’ defenders having their hands on several passes. This will manifest itself later as a key of BSSC football. The defense did allow a touchdown and associated two-point conversion to put the game 0-8 in favor of Team #98. Fear not lovers-of-the-‘Bohs, the offense was about to take control.


The Untouchabohs’ initial drive of the game had your central characters methodically marching down the field like the British through the streets of an unoccupied town. Unfortunately for WAWYTWW (pronounced wah-wee tu`h-woowoo) they were not the American Revolutionary troops and your ‘Bohs scored their first touchdown of the game with very little resistance. The defense that Wah-we tu’h-woowoo was running was something like a zone – if you combined Swiss cheese, a spaghetti-strainer, and melted butter while trying to call it resistive. A touch of trickeration (I hate it when ESPN uses this word) was present, with the Untouchabohs starting in their version of the Wildcat formation and Keith ‘I’m Engaged’ Levin taking a few snaps. The offense faced little resistance as Hughes, the ‘Bohs’ pocket-passer, Laughing all of the way down the field, took time out to text during the drive.


Remember, defense wins championships, and in a league where you score every time or you lose, defense is the opposite of scoring. There are several keys 1) Never have an ego so large that you throw a football larger that you should (this is known as a ‘Hot Dog’ in Darian-speak), 2) Always find the safety versus a man/woman-to-man/woman defense, 3) Protect the ball in inclement weather, 4) Avoid forced genders if possible, 5) Avoid the gender-only scores, and 6) Control the clock. Team #98 violated several of these rules in the way that sleeping with your cousin violates so many things in so many ways…


The WAWYTWW’s second drive moved the ball initially but they violated the Darian Asghari rule of ‘Don’t throw a hot-dog in the rain’ (Throwing a large football in inclement conditions). The purveyor of the ‘Asghari Hot-Dog Rule’ himself picked off the wobbling duck of a pass from the lame-duck quarterback and the momentum had changed.


Halftime brought another huddle of intensity, akin to the cone of silence that Maxwell Smart used during so many hilarity-ridden episodes of ‘Get Smart.’ Plans for two-point conversions were plotted, gender play strategy was galvanized, and team unity peaked. Deciding against the Week 3 chant of ‘Bleed,’ the Untouchabohs huddle broke with an exclamation so inspiring that it brought tears to praying Himalayan Monks.


The first drive of the second half milked almost four minutes of time, mixed a blend of short and intermediate passes and proved to be the first time all game that the ‘Bohs hit their rhythm. Completions to Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin, Danielle ‘Fighting Irish’ Madison, and decoys to Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren perpetuated a drive so sexy that nearby birds were aroused. Unfortunately for the Untouchabohs, the weather god Al ‘Weather Devil’ Roker removed the blessed sun from the sky and doused your glorious ‘Bohs with a short-lived yet torrential downpour! Fortunately for the ‘Bohs, they do not violate cardinal rules of this football-like game and QB Hughes proved to play well with wet balls. The focus of the Untouchabohs receivers increased as the rain became as intense as a motherly guilt trip around her birthday (just kidding mom!).


Following the score to put the ‘Bohs up 20-8 the soggy conditions caught-up to players on both sides of the field. During Team #98’s ensuing drive, calamity struck in the form of a sprained ankle for Lauren ‘I’m Engaged!’ Havery, who also recently participated in the Baltimore Marathon. Due to the lightly-staffed Fe-Untouchabohs this meant that they would play the rest of the game 7-on-8. Filled with concern for their injured friend the intensity level increased for the remainder of the game – and with 13 minutes remaining there was still plenty of time. Execution of the ‘Offense is Defense, Bitch!’ Offense (Henceforth known as the OD,B offense) became critical.


Several completions to Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne, Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray, and Lauren ‘I don’t wear cleats, even when I can run the risk of tearing my hamstring so terribly that it requires surgery to reattach it to by hip-bone, like Ray Lewis had in 2005, as Al Roker called for rain and the field is turning to mush and someone on my team got hurt too’ Asghari. The BSSCPN read of the game occurred on this drive as the quarterback, sensing their focus increasing as the game was slipping from their grasp, eyed-up Mr. Layne for the completion. As the defense converged on Mr. Layne like vultures converging on a dead, bloated, rhinoceros, the QB pumped and tossed the ball to an uncovered receiver almost 20 yards downfield. Confidence brimming, arrogance diffused, and the opponent deflated, the Untouchabohs scored a touchdown and two-point conversion to extend the lead to 28-14.


The game ended with a final score of 36-26 as the teams traded touchdowns on the remaining possessions. Of note, a failed ‘Irish’ play that will be used on gender conversions the rest of the season… perhaps the team shall utilize Fe-QBDBMVP Lauren Asghari as the receiver to gain an extra point on the conversion. All told, the Untouchabohs were still able to outscore the overnamed opponent (Really? We Are Who You Thought We Were? Lame.) 16-14 despite being down a key female. Kudos to the focused Untouchabohs and their OD,B offense.


Next up is one more undefeated team as the Untouchabohs face Jessica Marshall’s Johnson In the Slot (Team #138, Royal Blue, 6-0) on Patterson High School Field #5 at 11:00 am. Participation will be crucial as 4 of the ‘Bohs’ last 5 losses, over two seasons were driven by a forfeit or a lack of adequate substitutions. It should also be noted that one of those losses occurred at Patterson High School Field #4 when an unholy demon of a referee sabotaged the vainglorious Untouchabohs. Hopefully, if the Untouchabohs can execute, they can rename this opponent and Jessica Marshall will find that the Johnson is actually in the...


Potpourri: The Untouchabohs will face their fourth undefeated team this season, not including the week 1 contest before teams had played; ‘Bohs QBs have thrown 30 TDs and 1 interception; The turnover differential today was 2-0 in favor of the ‘Bohs (not including the end of game drive); Gender play touchdowns included a 1-0 for the ‘Bohs; Johnson In The Slot has already played 4 games at PHS #5 and may have a home-field advantage of sorts; Though nobody can really keep track, it appears the ‘Bohs won the time-of-possession by some undisclosed margin; Humor visited concurrently with the rain when the ex-football playing referee decided to 'swim move' the Untouchabohs' offensive line and sack the 'Bohs' QB...


Injuries: Lauren Havery (ankle) – Doubtful, Chris Nelson (moving) – Out, Darian Asghari (ankle, quad) – Questionable, Keith Levin (ankle) – Probable, Tim Lambert (lucidity) – Probable, Adrian Hughes, V (speed) – Probable (yup, his speed is broken).