VBs March into March Like a Lion

Victorious Bastards Bastardize Muddogs in 40-22 Victory

Disassociated Press (3 March 2013) - March is known for coming in like a lion and leaving like a lamb. Today, the Vainglorious Bastards (Team #123, Orange, 1-0) came in like a lion and devoured the hapless lamb-like SCLSU Muddogs (Team 133, Royal Blue, 0-1) 40-22 in frigid conditions at Lou Karpouzie Field #2.

On a day which had abundant flurries and a chilling northerly wind which cut like an ice-cold knife at your soul, the VBs kept warm by eliminating both substitutions and opponents' touchdowns en route to the first meaningful victory for any Baltimore Sports and Social Club (BSSC) team in 2013. Working magic in a way that few teams know how, Eva Lipiec managed to get BOTH the ball AND direction to start the game. This type of wizardry is rarely seen and captivates all followers of the BSSC's Less Filling League (LFL). 

The strong winds were going to require a lot of moxie, mettle, and focus as well as some supple, albeit frozen, hands by the receiving corps. With a referee having trouble managing both the game and his line judge, the Lady VBs were not having trouble manhandling the Lady Muddogs. 

The first possession pitted the VB's offense against the Muddogs' defense - a zone defense so porous that it would make an uncemented sedimentary conglomerate jealous - started in the northern portion of the field and migrated to the south... the same direction as the giant contaminant plume emanating from the adjacent Superfund Site (aka Driving Range). With passes as crisp as a wrinkled soft-wash shirt from Banana Republic, the VBs QB Adrian Hughes was able to display what appeared to be an eternity of rust, the targets of his errant passes somehow managing to bail him out enough times to keep the drive alive. A few runs helped keep the chains moving; however, most eyewitnesses claimed the QB's runs were more like, "the Blob trying to escape some Aunt Jemima syrup uphill and in winter."

Managing the clock with the deft balance of short tosses and deep misfires while also preventing 4th-Down and Forced Gender scenarios, the Bastards maintained the primary tenets of the Offense is Defense, Baby (ODB) offense - which keeps the man-to-man playing Bastards fresh when it's time to play suffocating D. The first touchdown of the year went to Eva “Captain My Captain” Lipiec on a forced gender touchdown brimming with awesome. The subsequent two-point conversion using the ODB-signature conversion play put the Bastards up 8-0. 

There are no kickoffs in the LFL, which is especially good for a short-handed defense. Taking the ball at the 10 yard line and facing the suffocating man-to-man defense of the Bastards, one of the two individuals playing quarterback for the SCLSU Muddogs (heretofore known as the 'Dogs) was able to quickly force his team into a third-down and forced gender. While his pass was lofted into the brisk air, reminiscent of an injured duck having a violent seizure, Eva "Captain my Captain" Lipiec undercut the rout and snagged the duck from the air like a bird-dog after the kill. Now it was time to Bastardize the 'Dogs. 

The first series of plays on either side of the field requires two completions within four downs to achieve your first down and is henceforth known as the 'Completion Series' for those of you new to the LFL. Despite a penalty for blocking, not the fault of the blockers as the block-footed QB lumbered southbound unbeknownst to the receivers, the conversion series was executed properly and moved the team down the field. Another series of tosses which would have made Betty White proud - including one egregious short-hop throw to Mike 'Zero People Can Cover Me' Zerolnick - were still snatched from the air by the talented receiving corps and culminated in a TD throw to Zerolnick. Hughes, clearly out of place running routes and not knowing what receivers are supposed to do, dropped the pass for the conversion to keep the score at 14-0. 

Defense wins championships - the old adage brought to life in the LFL. Such truth had the Bastards up by two touchdowns and was about to come into play again on this series. Starting from their own 10 yard line and facing the near-naughty man-to-man defense of the Bastards, the 'Dogs were able to place themselves into another third-down and forced gender. While the QB’s pass was lofted behind his female target, altered by the fierce wind, the 'Dogs' receiver bobbled the ball multiple times, keeping it alive for the subsequent pick by Meghan "Pickpocket" Walsh. Currently, the play is expected to come in first on this weekend's Top 10 on BSSCSPN.

The thievery, also placing Walsh as the #1 desired target of “America’s Most Wanted” and ironically hosted by another Walsh, further invigorated the Bastards who, deftly ran the ODB and worked the clock to perfection. Spreading passes all over the short field like Charlotte's Web, the third touchdown of the afternoon went to the "Pickpocket" on a forced gender and was capped by a two-point conversion to Jeremy Herhei making the score 22-0. The whipping was becoming so resound that misbehaving children all over the world paid homage... and behaved for the rest of the game. 

The ODB was in full effect and had milked most of the clock from the available time in the first half rendering the 'Dogs as impotent pups. If your team name is meant to pay tribute to a famous water-loving, Gatorade hating, questionably intelligent waterboy-turned-linebacker then you had better bring some noise. Unfortunately, the noises from the 'Dogs resembled the whimpers of a scolded puppy who left a present on the new rug. Halftime arrived with your protagonists posting a solid 22-0 lead. 

The LK fields are named after legendary Patterson High School football player Lou Karpouzie and not, as irony would have it, for the fields being located adjacent to the intersection of Lombard and Kane Streets in Baltimore. Born in Wierton, West Virginia in 1926, Lou arrived in Baltimore and became known, in his heyday as "the galloping Greek from Oldham Street" as described in a 6 May 2010 article highlighting his life as well as his passing. For much of his career, he worked for the Baltimore City Bureau of Events and helped organize and manage the logistics of ethnic festivals and other special events. LK brought joy to many and organized sports leagues for children in baseball, football, wheelchair events, and other sports - altruism mimicked by Supreme Overlord of the BSSC Mike Cray as he helps grown adults develop alcoholism properly and mate unexpectedly under the guise of happy hour drink rates through the same sports that line his pockets. I suppose both were guilty of making people happy. 

The second half had the ‘Dogs starting with the ball at their own 10 yard line and heading south. Though a three-touchdown deficit is near-impossible to overcome – a comeback is more plausible when starting the second half with the ball. This was the exact position in which the 'Dogs were facing... as well as the wind. A few lucky passes later and the first truly decent pass by the 'Dogs QB yielded their first score of the game. A completion to a receiver along the sideline for the two-point conversion closed the gap to 22-8, still in favor of the Bastards. 

A two touchdown lead would normally be cause for comfort; however, the chances of a comeback increases with a turnover and the subsequent momentum would change for certain. Moving the ball down the field with a quick pass here and a quick pass there, here a pass, there a pass, everywhere a pass pass, Old MacDonald had a drive and it culminated with a glorious northbound touchdown, extending the lead to 28-8. One could even overhear a singular Royal Blue-clad defender mumbling under his breath, "where did this all go wrong." Despite the faulty conversion attempt, the lead still held, and the defense was about to take the field. 

Defense wins championships and the Orange clad leaders were tiring without subs, slowly but surely. That said, the awareness of the wind conditions strongly favored the Bastards, who utilize and appropriately-sized football on offense and, on defense, cover short into the wind and long with the wind. This tried-and-true approach pushed the lowly 'Dogs into fourth down scenarios two times on the drive, unfortunately though, the turnover could not be forced and successful conversions followed each attempt. The work proved to be a pyrrhic victory of sorts as the drive culminated in a touchdown but likely took too much time off of the clock to be able to complete a comeback. Bringing the game to 28-16 and a successful two-point conversion allowed the Bastards' ODB back onto the field. 

In true ODB form, the initial Completion Series on the drive yielded two completions in three attempts to run significant amount of time off of the clock. Things became tight on the subsequent Midline Series, the series whereby the first down is gained by crossing the midline, as the VBs faced fourth and midline against a hybridized man-zone defense hell-bent on preventing the conversion in the same way polyester shirts prevent dates. In a potentially key play of the game with the opportunity for the ‘Dogs to change the momentum, Amanda Lafelice gently corralled a softly thrown synthetic pigskin into her body for the completion despite abundant, feverish, and desperate attempts to knock the pass down. Making sure not to lose momentum, the Bastards quickly converted their second Completion Series of the drive before thrilling the crowd, comprised mostly of Royal Blue-clad substitutions for the ‘Dogs, with the Scoring Series of the drive. Quickly getting to the one-foot line, the Bastards faced a fourth-and-goal from that very same spot. Tensions grew as the pre-snap read yielded a bunched zone at the goalline. The reconnaissance from the previous play showed they failed to cover the center; therefore the Bastards attempted to exploit this plan. Unfortunately for your Bastards, the ‘Dogs quickly jumped all over Jeremy Herhei and forced the Bastard QB to find another receiver. Rolling to his left, the Bastard QB found his Bastard receiver, Stephen “My Hat Indicates When I’m Open” Norton for a touchdown and the Bastards extended the lead to 34-16. The rout was on.

The defense of the Bastards was easing a little bit with time winding down after their Vainglorious last drive and a significant, nay, insurmountable, lead. The proverbial foot had been pressed firmly into the proverbial throat of the opponent by scoring the touchdown and could essentially be released. This explains why, on first and goal for the ‘Dogs, Adrian “Rusty” Hughes dropped a sure pick in the endzone, in the process getting his pants and right sock dirty – oh the humanity! Their subsequent touchdown closed the gap to 34-22 and gave the Bastards a little time to work on their craft.

The final drive was a mish-mosh of completions and awesome with sprinklings of imminent defeat added by the ‘Dogs downtrodden leaky zone defense. Yielding to the Bastards like a wet paper towel to a bowling ball, the Bastards drove down the field with the goal of running off the clock and securing a solid victory. The final play of the drive, which felt like it took forever due to the lack of pressure applied by the defensive front, culminated in a no-look touchdown pass to the right side to Meghan “Now a Veteran” Walsh, crushing the hopes and dreams of the newly-named Mudpuppies like Godzilla crushes Tokyo.

Playing only for pride, and with little time remaining, the QB of the Mudpuppies was going to make one last heave of desperation – similar to the acts of desperation seen at closing time upstairs at Looney’s and/or Claddah’s on a Saturday night in Canton. The final heave was fitting, resembling a spastic, uncoordinated, penguin in roller skates and on ice, flailing and falling harmlessly out of bounds – out of bounds over the left sideline. Sadness ensued.

Your Bastards play again next week and hope to defeat the undefeated, and naughtily-named Natty Bohners (Team#93, Lime, 1-0) at Patterson High School Field #5 at 3:00 pm. Hopefully the Bastard players can show up an hour early and further refine the ODB baby!!!

Potpourri:

• Conversions for the Bastards will need to improve and stand at 2 of 6 for the season (33%);
• One sack was recorded by the Bastards on defense, an LFL rarity;
• From forfeit to victory, special thanks to Amanda and Meghan!
• Bastard quarterbacks have 6 touchdowns this season without a pick;
• Mudpuppies’ drives resulted in 3 TDs, 2 INTs, and 2 drives ended by the half;

Touchdown Catches Cathartic as 'Bohs Win In Cataclysmic Pasting

Dropped Passes Turned to Touchdowns through Alchemic Conversion

Disassociated Press (27 March 2011) – Not one person mentioned the dropped passes from a week prior. It would have been as if one muttered something so unspeakable that a lightning bolt would immediately strike if that word had passed through someone’s lips. Everyone knew what had happened the week before, and it fueled an engine that burned hot with the hatred of ‘what could have been.’ It was only fitting that this weeks opponent wore black – the color of mourning – as they were about to mourn their very birth. The Untouchabohs (Team #147, Red, 1-0-1) resoundingly spanked The Kings and Queens (Team #153, Black, 1-1-0) so thoroughly that misbehaving children around the world paid homage by spending one hour behaving.

A brisk day brought high winds that would require mettle, awareness, and strong throws from the eventual victors in a clash of the BSSC’s Less Filling League (LFL) teams that had not one loss between them. The ‘Bohs knew they faced an unbeaten team for the second week in a row and knew that they had mettle, awareness, and a strong-armed quarterback who hates goals but loves touchdowns. The awareness of the wind conditions strongly favored the ‘Bohs, who utilize an appropriately-sized football on offense and, on defense, cover short into the wind and long with the wind. The Kings and Queens (henceforth known as KQs) were throwing what All-BSSC safety Darian ‘Ed Reed Learns From Me’ Asghari labels a ‘Hot-Dog’ (oversized football for the level of competition) in the form of a full-size NFL football. The first half would bear out how the details affect the outcome of a game of such magnitude.

With the ‘Bohs winning the ball and the wind to start the game, the ODB offense moved the ball a touch more aggressively than in games past. Facing a zone so soft that melting butter appeared impenetrable, Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert caught a 20-yard out in front of the midline cone with scant a defender around. Aided by the last minute audible that took Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne deep down the seam, and therefore occupying the safety on the weak side of the field, Gilbert was left free to work his magic. Facing second-and-one from near the mid-line, an errant pass by the QB Hughes brought up third-and-one forced gender. After another horrible pass to start the game, and now facing the DREADED fourth down (which is not allowed in the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs) Hughes took advantage of a strange shift in the defense to a man-ish D, called for the flood left, waited for the defender on the line to leave with the center, and knew that the first down would be in favor of the ‘Bohs. Sprinting to his right, a relative term for the 235-pound QB, Hughes picked up the first down and decent yardage without having to risk a ball hitting the ground. A key grab by Amber ‘I cut so hard your ankles break’ Free on the second forced-gender of the drive set up the ‘Bohs in the heart of the red zone. Only a few plays later, the ‘Bohs converted a game-opening touchdown to take the lead, 6-0.

Defense wins championships, especially in the LFL where teams are expected to score on every possession. Calamity was about to strike the KQs, like a super-heated lahar (volcanically-heated mudflow) attacking Seattle, when their opening drive of the game culminated in a failed fourth-down conversion. Knowing that a two-score lead is almost insurmountable the ODB offense was frothing at the mouth in anticipation of exorcising the drop-demons that haunted their dreams all week. Using the dark magic that Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert routinely uses to coax the opponent to fail the opening coin toss, the ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, used the black magic to convert dropped passes into touchdowns akin to alchemists attempting to turn other alloys into gold. Short drive, touchdown to Layne on ‘the play,’ 12-0 lead. Though the Untouchabohs failed their second conversion of the game, confidence was beginning to build like tectonic stresses between two colliding plates.

The subsequent KQs’ drive had something of a rhythm for the first time all game. This team, unlike last week’s, had a red-haired kid who made an amazing on-his-back-falling-to-the-ground-snag-of-the-ball-over-his-head snare AND a blonde ponytailed terror who looked to be this week’s version of LBH (See 3/20/2011) and were therefore not a one-trick-pony. After a few conversions, a run, and crossing the midline, catastrophe was about to strike – and it was all the KQs’ QB’s fault. It needs be stated that ‘Throwing a hot dog in the rain’ is an immutable law… and it also applies to high winds. A larger ball has increased surface area that is disproportionate to mass, and therefore the wind affects a larger ball greater than a smaller ball, when thrown imperfectly. Additionally, the ‘Bohs put Lexi ‘Lexicon of Defense’ K. on the ‘Ponytail’ on a third-and-goal forced gender. It was stated earlier that mettle, awareness, and a strong-armed QB will determine the victor. Awareness, or a lack of awareness, was about to strike in the form of a bad pass. The KQs’ QB, seeing the Ponytail run to the left side of the end zone, put too much touch on a pass that was into a quartering wind, resulting in a ball that was going to fall short of its intended target. True as physics, the ball was short, and Lexi, fighting for position against the oversized Ponytail, turned at the last second and snared the ball from the air like an eagle snares fish from water. Turnover on the one-inch line, ODB back on the field.

Immediately violating the tenets of the ODB, the ‘Bohs’ QB called for Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert to drive deep for a full-field touchdown despite knowing that completions are necessary to gain room and prevent a possible safety. Despite throwing the best football of his life, Hughes watched the deep spiral fall incomplete and subsequently received an appropriate, if not G-rated, earful from Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren who serves as the Sherriff of the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs. The deep-ball-demon being exorcised, the ‘Bohs ran the ODB to perfection and had a third-and-midline with about 10 yards to gain. After completing the pass, the QB Hughes saw Keith ‘I told you NOT to call me Klevin’ Levin 20 yards past the deepest KQs player. Despite the goal of working the clock, passing up an opportunity for an easy TD is too much to ignore, and a deep play was dialed-up. Two run-fakes by Hughes drew all of the defenders toward the line – effectively play-action passing without anyone else in the backfield – and Levin was again so open that it appeared he left the line of scrimmage donning a cloak-of-invisibility. Thirty yards later, a touch pass, rare in ‘Bohs lore prior to this season, found its way into the waiting arms of the now-visible receiver who sprinted the final yardage into the endzone. Touchdown, 18-0, Untouchabohs. An absolutely beautiful dive by Kendall ‘I told you that’s MY ball’ Crawford completed the first 2-point-conversion of the day to extend the lead to 20-0.

This timeout from your reading is brought to you by the perfect example of the ODB offense and why it is run as it is run. Since the ‘Bohs scored quickly, there was about four minutes to go in the first half. If the ODB had been run to maximize time running off of the clock, the ‘Bohs would have scored with approximately one-minute remaining… and there would have been little chance of the KQs scoring. Additionally, the KQs will start the second half with the ball. So, despite gaining a 20-0 lead, giving the opponent a plethora of time to score at the end of the half is a big no-no because the 20-0 lead could be cut to 20-8, then, if they scored to start the second half, the lead could be cut further to 20-16. If the ODB is run perfectly, then the opponent has virtually no time to score at the end of the half, and running the offense prevents the other team from scoring, and is THEREFORE a form of defense! Hence, the ODB offense! That said, the ‘Bohs were now going to need to play stout defense to prevent a momentum-shifting score, though they would be aided by the wind yet again.

Driving down the field and making it happen quickly, the strong-armed QB of the black-clad opponent was finding crossing routes open – mainly due to the hand-checking, picks, and naughty play of the other receivers who were generally covered like asphalt covers roads. They appeared to know that they were overmatched, but more on that to follow. Driving down the field, and using both of their timeouts efficiently, the KQs found themselves with a second-and-goal from about 20 yards out. Again, awareness was not on the side of the opponent as they again failed to recognize the effect of the wind on a pass to the left corner of the end zone. Despite a ‘Bohs’ defender slipping, and therefore allowing a KQ receiver to become open on the left side of the end zone, a timely blitz by Levin forced the QB to rush his throw. Again, failing to learn from his mistakes, the ball dipped as it was thrown into a quartering wind, and was too low to be seized despite the diving effort by the KQs receiver.

Since the clock does not stop during the first half for ANY reason (incompletes, out-of-bounds), the clock expired and the 20-0 lead in favor of the Untouchabohs remained intact.

Halftime is a wonderful time for introspection, delight, rehydration, and getting yelled at by the official. For reasons only known by Mike, the semi-pro baseball-playing BSSC referee, Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert was called out. Nobody knows the exact reason, and it will never be muttered or expounded upon, but sources state it had something to do with the dirty play of the team who knew that they were hanging on by a thread. If only they knew. The ‘Bohs know how to close.

The Kings and Queens opened the second half with an impressive drive in a game where you should score every possession. Taking the ball down and scoring for the first time all day, the score was now 20-6 with the conversion attempt. With the defense swarming like bees swarming that insidious Honey Badger of Youtube lore, the pass fell incomplete and the ‘Bohs defense prevented their fourth-consecutive conversion attempt of the season.

Feeling confidence originating from their first score of the game, the call was made on the sideline that, since they felt they can simply match-up man-to-man with the Untouchabohs, that they would get the ball back and make a game of it. Sorry Colonel Sanders, you’re wrong, Mama’s right, and that logic proves that there’s something wrong with your medulla oblongata. The Kings and Queens’ castle was about to be besieged by a torrent of prideful yet humble, athletic, highly intelligent, frustrated, and ever-confident Untouchabohs. The castle walls were about to crumble…

The remainder of the game was a whirlwind of big plays and execution. The ball never touched the ground during the ensuing drive by the ‘Bohs, which culminated in a touchdown and extended the lead to 26-6. Of note, the opponent watched the QB Hughes say something to Michael ‘Hey New Guy, Off the Field!’ Ventura… and the KQs followed this age-old BSSC ploy like a rabbit after a carrot. As Ventura, a welcome and last-minute addition to the team entered the end zone, more than HALF of the defenders followed him to the right side of the end zone. Sad for them, since Will ‘Ed Reed the Engineer’ Gray found a cavernous hole in the center of the field for the rifle completion to seal the conversion. 28-6, Untouchabohs.

The ensuing KQs possession started fine, but ended, well, terribly. The ‘Bohs knew that they would be pushing the ball deep, and it was only a matter of time before the QB, again, throwing a hot-dog in the wind, would err again. With a pass intended for an unnamed, overmatched, AND covered receiver, Wes ‘Webb’ Gilbert baited the QB and in a spectacular plant-pivot-leap snatched the ball from the air like a snake snatches eggs from a nest and broke the KQs’ QB’s heart. Turnover, 99% of the field to go again.

With the spirit of the opponent broken, the ‘Bohs scored again and, calling off the dogs, moved to one-point conversion tries from here on out. After scoring on another touchdown to take a 34-6 lead, the failed conversion to Megan ‘My last name is only somewhat phonetic’ Tschoepe – the second terrible pass to her in a row – kept the score an even number which made bookies in Vegas concerned that the ‘Bohs wouldn’t cover the 29-point spread. Fear-not illegal takers of bets!

With their souls broken like fallen angels from the sky in those terrible Axe commercials, the Princesses (demoted from the ranks of Kings and/or Queens) were unable to muster a scoring drive and turned the ball over on downs. Sadness overtook the now-mourning team as humorous quips were non-existent on the sidelines. As the clutches of the Untouchabohs gripped ever-tighter on the throats of the Princesses, like a boa constrictor squeezing the life forces from a hapless victim and future meal, the clock was worked slowly and deliberately by the ODB. Mercy struck in the form of a touchdown to Keith ‘Not Klevin’ Levin on the highly successful hitch route and extended the football equivalent of a massacre to 40-6 and, for the time being anyway, covered the spread in Las Vegas. A REALLY deep one-point conversion on the exact same route to Levin pushed the lead by the ‘Bohs to 41-6. But wait, there’s more!

The safety position had been in a state of flux all game as the incumbent All-BSSC safety, Darian ‘The guy in the red shorts is good’ Asghari, who, ironically, wears some very nicely fitting black shorts with white speed stripes, did not make the game. In general, play was satisfactory, and only one ‘big’ play was yielded to the opponent. It should also be stated that on Wes ‘Webb’ Gilbert’s interception, Levin had the receiver covered deep, so the QB heaving the hot-dog ultimately threw into double coverage. Bad move on his part. This drive, Kendall ‘That’s MY Ball’ Crawford got the opportunity to play free safety and continued his stellar play. The KQs’ QB, his confidence shattered like a glass table in a Steven Segal movie, continued trying to drive for a confidence-boosting score during garbage time only to have his remaining manhood stripped like floor-stripper on linoleum. Taking a few steps back and surveying the field, the black-clad QB threw a wind-aided rocket to a receiver running a crossing route. Closing in on the ball like a red rocket of epic proportions, the latest iteration of ‘Bohs safety-of-the-minute Crawford snatched the ball from the clutches of the evil KQs’ receiver, like an alligator snatches puppies, for the ‘Bohs third pick of the game. Oh Ye Gods! Crawford returned the ball near the opponent’s 20 yard line and the new-look ODB took over. But wait, there’s more!

The final drive of the game culminated with Gilbert taking over for Hughes at QB who, in turn, played receiver and actually logged a rare reception. The drive culminated in a touchdown and conversion (one point of course) to finish the annihilation and culminate the scoring at 48-6. Those who bore witness to this even know that ‘Bohs team with a chip on their shoulder is a team more dangerous and powerful than your wildest imagination. Brimming with the confidence built from the come-from-behind tie in game 1, while also fueled by the hatred for ‘what could have been,’ is a concoction that produces a talented team fueled by passion. No matter the score, no matter the opponent, the Untouchabohs are never out of a game. When they arrive, all others shall take heed…

Next up for the Untouchabohs is their third straight undefeated team in as many weeks as they take on The Bomber Brigade (Team #144, Orange, 2-0) at Patterson Park Field #1 at 4:00. This is a team who played in the advanced BSSC Tastes Great League (TGL) last season and had five wins, so a test may be just a few short days away for your vainglorious ‘Bohs.

Potpourri:

• The defense has yet to record a sack this season after six by the male Asghari last fall;
• The previous season sack record for the ‘Bohs was two;
• Conversions for the ‘Bohs are moving at a 70% clip this season versus 0% for opponents;
• In their last 5 games the ‘Bohs are averaging 75% conversions versus 20% in the 13 games prior;
• ‘Bohs’ QBs have tossed 10 touchdowns and 1 lone interception versus 4:3 for opponents; and
• The Untouchabohs’ 2011 Spring Defense desperately needs a nickname… perhaps ‘Bleed’ will suffice (for those that remember Lambert’s mid-game cheer…).

Miracle Tie a Virtual Win for Battle-Tested 'Bohs

Time Expiring Touchdown Leads to Tie

Aqua Iggy News (20 March 2011) – New grass was scant as the vainglorious Untouchabohs (Team #147, Red, 0-0-1) rallied with a magical, strategic, and clutch comeback to tie the ugly-clad Hook and Lager (Team #180, Chestnut, 0-0-1) at 24 this past Sunday at Patterson Park Field #1.

Delayed by an entire week due to the monsoonal rains that turned the field into a quagmire’s quagmire on the fields so perfectly manicured by Mike Cray, Supreme Overlord of the BSSC, each team was chomping at the bit to get the season started. The previous night’s super-moon obviously threw Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert’s mojo for a loop as the ‘Bohs failed to get the ball to start or the desired direction of play. Such cosmic turnings can affect the Warlock’s magical powers as gameday also marked the Vernal Equinox. The ‘Bohs, a veteran team restocked with a touch of youth for this season’s playoff run, care not of the conditions as the focus turned to dominating a team that looked like a naughty stain on the bottom of one’s shoe.

Hook and Lager, clever but not impressive by name, started with the ball heading south-to-north on Field 1. The game’s first plays yielded a clue as to the future of this game as the mud-colored miscreants failed to complete a pass on their first two plays. Facing third-and-two, forced gender, their entire offense took shape as they completed a pass to the one good player on the team – a speedy little brunette female who seemed unable to be covered. Facing a 4th-down, the light-footed and well coiffed quarterback of Hook and Lager failed to complete a pass against the suffocating defense of the ‘Bohs, which closed down on the receivers like a vice on a balloon. Turnover, ‘Bohs’ ball… time to rock and roll.

If any rust was going to be present during the game, it was not evident on the first drive. Milking the clock like a farmer milks a prized cow, the OD,B offense (Offense is Defense, Bitch, premised on giving the man-to-man defense time to rest) worked through several completions to reset the downs and prepare to break the plane of the end zone. With receivers running wide open through a hybrid man-zone, really just a defense that nobody seems to know how to operate, the ‘Bohs’ QB found the open receiver to open the scoring 6-0. The ensuring conversion, running the play that has now worked time-and-again over the last season or so, was complete to Kendall ‘I intimidate you even when I play with my adorable kids’ Crawford to gain an 8-0 advantage.

The importance of this conversion cannot be overstated. The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, routinely averaged conversions approximately 16-20% (1/6 or 1/5) over the past several years until a set play was generated. Last season’s conversion percentage jumped into the middle 60’s as far as percentage, which is closer to 2 conversions every three attempts. And it was only going to get better today.

The ‘Bohs were back on defense and were about to be reminded of the little brunette girl who caught the only brown-clad completion of the game. Facing a third-and-mid, forced gender, the chestnut QB heaved a duck into the air that was barely grabbed by the nameless brunette for a first down deep into ‘Bohs’ territory. The downs were reset, but so did the defense. Covering receivers like body paint cover Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, openings were hard to find. So tight, that a near interception by new Untouchabohs Leah ‘Makers’ Jones proved that the ‘Bohs like to get their hands on the opponents’ balls. Despite the glorious effort by the ‘Bohs defenders, Hook and Lager broke the plane of the end zone to take the score to 8-6 in favor of the ‘Bohs. The defense held fast and prevented to the conversion to maintain the two-point differential.

The power of the super moon started to take hold of the Untouchabohs’ OD,B offense from this point forward in a game that would have more rust than sparkle. Running the offense effectively against the newly-switched man-to-man defense of H&L, the running game opened itself to the ‘Bohs truffle-shuffling QB. With the man defenders following the ‘Bohs receivers into deeper patterns, the field opened up like a child opens a Happy Meal and allowed the ‘Bohs’ QB to scramble for a large number of yards. Using this ploy on the next play, the ‘Bohs’ QB feigned the run to the right which pulled the safety from the deep center of the field and freed Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne to streak from left to right within the end zone. With the wind at his back, the ball sailed on the QB who obviously put too much air beneath the throw, allowing the defender to close and bat away the near-touchdown. Calamity struck on the next play as an errant pass over the middle was batted into the air by several sets of hands and landed in the arms of the ugly and luckily-coordinated H&L defender. Turnover, H&L ball.

Hook and Lager is a one-trick pony in that only one player on the team was able to make plays and keep them in the game. Several times the well-coiffed-QB of H&L threw to receivers other than the LBH (Little Brown Hair) and the success rate was minimal. H&L, though, knowing their offense was limited, rode this one-trick pony all of the way into the end zone on the ensuing drive to gain the scoring advantage of 12-8. The mettle-filled ‘Bohs fought hard again to stop the conversion attempt and give the OD,B offense the ball with 1:43 and running.

No stranger to running the end-of-the-first-half offense, where nothing can stop the clock except for timeouts, the ‘Bohs moved with a remarkably appropriate sense of urgency. The offense completed two passes after a deep incompletion on first down before aptly calling a timeout within striking distance of the end zone. Throwing with the wind, and having deep threats all over the field, the OD,B offense moved from methodical and soul-crushing, like watching a bad movie, to quick-striking like a cobra. Hughes, remembering how the ball sailed on the earlier near-touchdown to Layne, threw the ball hard and low, and away from the defender. Unfortunately, with time ticking, the ball was a little too low and harmlessly fell to the ground after temporarily colliding with the ‘Bohs’ receiver. Halftime, 12-8, H&L.

Halftime brings a period of peace, introspection, and relief…. for some. For your mighty Untouchabohs, though, it brings a period of fierce resolve that builds like the internal pressures that escalate prior to a volcanic eruption. Harnessing this passion can occasionally be difficult but the ‘Bohs know difficult, and treat such situations with disrespectful disdain.

Starting the second half with the ball, all players from the hearty ‘Bohs’ squad were focused on eliminating the drops that plagued the first half. Driving down the field with a calm purpose, milking the clock, and executing the offense to perfection – including second-down shuffles to Danielle ‘MD’ Madison - the ‘Bohs withstood a few more dropped passes and errant throws by the QB to score their second touchdown of the game and take the lead from the mud-colored antagonists, 14-12. A successful conversion pushed the Untouchabohs’ lead to 4, 16-12. 

Defense wins championships, especially in a league where one is expected to score a touchdown, at least, every drive. And the ‘Bohs do a good job of making other’s work for their scores – of any kind. Despite the intensity on defense, the LBH tormented the ‘Bohs all game. Driving down the field and only, truly, moving the ball on forced gender plays, H&L eventually scored to regain the lead, this time by only two points, on another touchdown to their only weapon, 18-16. With the defense standing their ground, unyielding and frenetic like frenzied wasps defending their hive, the ‘Bohs swarmed to prevent the conversion to maintain a two-point differential and return the ball to the offense.

The OD,B can occasionally be a double-edged sword. Milking the clock in a way that resembles waves peacefully lapping that the shores of the Chesapeake Bay allows the defense to rest but removes precious time from the clock in the event of a ‘Bohs’ deficit. The offense must go on, much like a show, and the ‘Bohs move the ball with such confidence in their scoring that urgency was not a top priority. The ‘Bohs continued to methodically move the ball in a way that inspires thoughts of prototectonic plates meandering about the Earth’s mantle and used a perfect amount of clock. Converting first down after first down, the ‘Bohs completed passes to receivers on every side of the field, of every gender, and even mixed in a successful run. Unfortunately, the drops attacked like a snake in the brush and bit several of the Untouchabohs’ receivers. On fourth down and goal, calamity struck again, and a turnover occurred as the OD,B pass hit the ground.

The defense would be called upon to handle the situation yet again.

With the clock hitting the two-minute warning, some divine intervention, and a LOT of hustle was about to change the game. The Untouchabohs’ offensive coordinator and tight end/center, Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren, realized that the best chance for a non-loss would be to allow a score and stop the conversion. Before this could be communicated, the opponent, after two consecutive incompletions, called upon the powers of Evil, and went to LBH yet again. On a short pass to LBH, the ‘Bohs’ defender fell on the grassless land of Mike Cray and the chestnut-clad slut was off down the right sideline like a runaway truck on the shoulder of a mountain road. Darian ‘The guy in the red shorts is good’ Asghari broke from the line wearing sheer determination on his face and hunted the LBH down like a hungry Honey Badger. As he approached the LBH he delicately, like a hummingbird retrieving nectar from a flower, touched LBH with two of the softest hands ever to play sports. Unfortunately for LBH, she attacked the grassless hardpan with the abandon of an uncoordinated zebra dressed as mud and bounced repeatedly on the ground – forcing a clock stoppage for injury. This proved crucial to the ‘Bohs chances of winning as the defense was able to strategize using strategery to determine that allowing the next play to be a scoring play would give the ‘Bohs a chance to win. The ‘Bohs allowed a husky boy to run along the right offensive sideline and score a TD… and now the ‘Bohs’ defense had to muster another stop.

With the clock about to strike midnight, in reality it was the light-blue-clad-bright-green-eyed line judge counting to five, the safety crossed the line and forced an errant pass to some lame receiver who was so embarrassed to be alive, he fell to the ground while the pass was in the air. The lead had been extended on the touchdown to 24-16, but the ‘Bohs could now tie on a TD and 2-pt conversion. With the clock stopped at with approximately 84 seconds remaining, the calm, cool, and collected ‘Silver’ group of the offense moved onto the field after accepting a date with destiny.

Throwing deep on the initial play of the final drive served two-purposes – a near score, and loosening up the defense’s soft underbelly. The next pass was completed underneath to the Secret Agent, whose deft maneuvers leave him uncovered in the center of the field. After stopping the clock with their final timeout, Hughes delivered a touch pass toward the sideline to allow the female Asghari to capture the ball in-stride, gain yards, and stop the clock. As time started to run thin, another pass into the end zone failed to result in a score and brought up second-and-two, but effectively second and goal as time was running out. On second down, a majority of the receivers of the Untouchabohs moved toward the left side of the field allowing Hughes to freeze the eyeballing safety and prevent him from committing. With the defense having shifted to a zone, and with the zone moving toward the majority of ‘Bohs defenders, the right corner of the end zone opened like a clam revealing a pearl of hope. With a zone defender baiting the quarterback in the right flat, Hughes, who had been throwing the ball too hard all day, pumped to the left, froze the defense, and lofted a firm, yet supple, pass toward the yellow cone marking the front of the end zone. Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari tiptoeing along the sideline, caught the ball on a scoring play so beautiful that Himalyan Monks shed tears of joy. One more play was needed before the finish was complete.

Needing a 2-pt conversion to tie, the ‘Bohs continued with their conversion team and ran their play. The play that has worked for over a season. The go-to play. This time, though, with the safety thinking he knew what was going to be run… to KC on the left, Hughes pump-faked to the left and, just as the fake was completed, Keith ‘I give Wes a lot of crap’ Levin shook off an illegal hold to create separation from his defender, and haul in the game-tying completion as time expired. Euphoria overtook the ‘Bohs who snatched an important tie from the jaws of defeat with less than 90 seconds on the clock.

Next up for your Untouchabohs are Dave Lucadamo’s The Kings and Queens (Team #153, Black, 1-0-0) at Patterson High School Field #6 at 4:00 pm. With a fully-staffed team fresh off of an amazing comeback, the ‘Bohs are sure to play inspired BSSC-Coed-Beer-League-Two-Hand-Touch football.

Potpourri:

• The Warlock is 0-1 this season on coin tosses;
• The 'Bohs allowed four touchdowns and scored three, but tied on conversions;
• I can't remember who scored, except for Lauren's TD and Keith's/Kendall's conversions;
• 'Bohs' QBs have thrown three touchdowns and one interception;
• Mike 'Hey new guy, get off of the field' Ventura had a nice diving catch to open his career;
• Passing and catching was difficult with the cold weather settling on the Baltmore area.

Spring Season Starts Sunday During Vernal Equinox

20 March 2011 - 1:21 PM EST... Spring Equinox

Disassociated Press (18 March 2011) - Last season, extensive and painful blizzards put off the start of the season by one week and this year was no different - save for the style of precipitation. A week of torrential rains soaked the freshly-seeded fields so thoroughly that Mike Cray, Grand Overlord of all things BSSC, hired field-minions to prevent Patterson Park practices and delayed 2011 Spring Opening Day until the Vernal Equinox.

Few things could be more fitting that having the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, playing during the equinox. Distributing the ball equally between receivers regardless of down, distance, or gender, the 'Bohs epitomize equality.  Though the opponents find the number of losses unequal to the number of wins when facing the 'Bohs, opponents have learned their place is to be gracious losers.

Aided by the return of the Coach, Tim 'Warlock' Lambert and his uncanny ability to lose coin tosses AND gain both the ball and the direction; Darian 'The guy in red shorts is good' Asghari at safety; Danielle 'Doctor.' Madison; Keith 'Don't Call me Klevin' Levin; and other key players you already know, the 2011 squad is tasked with having the most fun one can have in a coed-two hand touch-beer league-third tier-football club. Several new additions will be forced to quickly learn the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs - only for advanced readers - and how JD's Brisket fares against the fare of other Canton dining establishments.

The primary tenets of the ODB offense will remain in place, though, with conversions no longer being an issue for the team, the offense is now one of the best out of all 234 teams. That said, gender plays will still control the pace and attack of the offense, and second down will remain a focus to eliminate 4th-down-forced-gender.

On defense, we all know, that defense wins championships... and the Untouchabohs play the fiercest man-zone in the world. With the all-BSSC safety backing up a team of intense male/female cover cornerbacks, teams can rarely go deep... but if they do, they are forced to pay the consequences. Forcing turnovers puts the ball back in the hands of the offense, and the complexion of each game turns to favor your vainglorious 'Bohs.

Expectations will cede to reality on the day of the 2011 Vernal Equinox. Despite one's best efforts to cast aside expectations or preconceived notions, they will inevitably affect the perception of a season that will be successful. The goal is to focus on the relationships and magic that will accompany the competition - no matter the result of the games.

Wins and losses will come and go, but the character of this team will resonate throughout history, forevermore...

Shorthanded Tie Provides Untouchabohs With Playoff Momentum

Strangely Dressed Referee Has Thin Skin

30 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) - The Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2-1) completed their first four-win and undefeated month with a hard-fought tie against Kirsten Basore's Trouser Snakes (Team #6, Maroon, 4-3-1) Saturday on slippery Lou Karpouzie Field #1. The bizarre game featured a plethora of drops and drama blended with grit and guile to ensure that the Untouchabohs reached the 32-team postseason in their initial foray into the BSSC's Tastes Great League (TGL).

It is difficult enough to have an opponent on the field, or a referee with an apparent vendetta, but facing both can cause a team to fold under the pressure. Instead of folding, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, buttressed their mettle with a dose of resolve, and held on for a 30-30 tie to ensure a Fall 2010 playoff berth.

With several key players arriving late, Tim 'Warlock' Lambert sent some mystical powers to the field ahead of the coin toss, a bizarre game of 'odds or evens' played behind the referee's back, allowing Adrian 'Iggy' Hughes to win the ball and direction - as if the opponent even had a choice or a chance.

The initial drive was peppered with crisp throws, timely catches, but a few drops. As the Untouchabohs were about to cross the midline, on 4th-and-mid, the first down pass hit the ground for a quick turnover with about 14 minutes remaining in the first half. Slightly stunned, but still focused, the Untouchabohs' defense took the field.

Defense wins championships, and with the turnover the Untouchabohs could ill afford to give up a touchdown and commensurate two-point conversion. Buckling down on the Trouser Snakes like a beartrap in the woods, the defense yielded a hard-earned touchdown. Despite the touchdown, the omnipresent omnipotence of the offense-stopping 'Bohs' defense was in full display. With the Trouser Snakes fighting for the two-point conversion, the pass to the right side of the end zone was completed to the maroon-clad receiver. Unfortunately for him, the entire ball AND body must cross the goalline in order for the scoring to count - and therefore the turnover only yielded six points for the TS and the ODB offense was going to take the field.

In a league where turnovers are at a premium, the 'Bohs knew that they needed to score twice, but score in such a way as to avoid allowing the Snakes to get back-to-back possessions since they would get the ball to begin the second half. That said, the ODB offense needed to pick up the pace while still striking with lethally-accurate short passes. Moving down the field, and facing a forced-gender and goal, Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari ran a low-post maneuver to create separation and the pass was guided with the touch of an angel into the receiver's hands. The 'Bohs were able to capitalize on the conversion, finally having a conversion play for the first time ever, and took an 8-6 lead.

The defense was going to be called-upon, again, to slow and or stop the Snakes' offense. On their second possession of the game, they dodged a bullet - or so they thought! With the TS's QB dropping back, and the count reaching 5, Darian 'All-BSSC Safety' Asghari was on his way to the QB as the ball was released in the direction of a female receiver. Weaving his way through traffic like a hell-bent soccer mom on Baltimore's Beltway, the ball shocked the defender and bounced through his hands and onto the ground.

The near pick-six served as a warning that the Untouchabohs' defense is stout and relentless. Feeling like a bullet had been dodged, the guard of the Trouser Snakes had been let down, and opportunity presented itself to the 'Bohs for a second time. The TS QB released his next pass with too much touch into a slight, but present wind. As the ball drifted toward the receiver, like a child’s balloon toward the heavens, Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert mercilessly attacked the ball like a puma after prey. Gilbert ripped the ball from the hapless receiver’s hands for the timely turnover and the ‘Bohs were going on a roll.

Starting with excellent field position, Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari ran the same route that she’s run every time in history and scored a crucial touchdown to take a 14-6 lead. Amazingly enough, the Untouchabohs scored their eighth straight conversion (dating back to the pre-forfeit game) to extend the lead to 16-6. The pressure fell on the defense for the third time in the half.

Still bringing the heat, the ‘Bohs were able to turn the Trouser Snakes over for the second time in three possessions on great defense, stifling coverage, and a little black magic. Taking the ball with 43 seconds remaining, and great field possession again, an incomplete pass necessitated the usage of the first team timeout. The second pass, rifled with a hatred of the football, found its way into the hands of the ‘Bohs receiver for the critical touchdown and a 22-6 lead. The conversion streak was broken, but the offense validated the valiant efforts of the voracious defense in taking a 16 point lead – a lead that would prove critical with the bizarre second half about to commence.

The Trouser Snakes moved the ball down the field, barely, on their first drive of the second half. Not able to take advantage of the deep ball that they so desperately wanted – in part due to the safety play of Darian Asghari and in part due to the suffocating coverage of the Untouchabohs’ defenders such as Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray, Keith ‘Don’t call me Klevin’ Levin, and Kendall ‘That’s MY ball’ Crawford. That said, somehow the naughtily-named and maroon clad morons were able to break the plane of the end zone and cut the ‘Bohs’ lead to 22-12.

The next Untouchabohs’ drive mimicked the Trouser Snakes more than the ODB offense – moving in fits and spurts. Methodical in nature and dull in enthusiasm, the drive included two runs by the QB Hughes to move the ball and one nifty move to outsmart the defense into a mistake. With his patented (well, it’s patented now) fake run to the left, the maroon defender believed Hughes had crossed the line and rushed the QB. Unfortunately for him, Hughes had only feigned the line-crossing goodness that a BSSC QB is allowed on his side of the field, and the five-yard penalty for offsides was called – giving the ‘Bohs a much needed first and two on the TS side of the field. The drive ended with another TD to Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari, who ran the same route that she’s run forever – with Danielle ‘I missed the game last week and I'm now engaged’ Madison running the mirrored route to the left – for the touchdown. The conversion – now a staple of the Untouchabohs’ offense – extended the lead to 30-12.

The clouds were forming and a storm was brewing for the Untouchabohs – in the form of the lame duck referee dressed as… well, lameness. After the Snakes scored a touchdown, and failed another conversion, to close the gap to 30-18, the ‘Bohs offense was on the field. With an incomplete pass to the right, and Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne on the ground from the IMPACT of two maroon players HITTING HIM, a flash of yellow tore through the sky in the form of the lame referee’s lame penalty flag. When the call was not in the ‘Bohs’ favor, Layne was unceremoniously ejected for barely uttering a sound – to this day nobody heard Jonny even speak -  leaving the Untouchabohs with a 7-on-8 disadvantage for the rest of the game. It was up to the resilient ‘Bohs to defend Jonny’s honor, friendship, and loyalty – and to ensure that they did not suffer a backbreaking loss. Milking the clock on the current drive as best as they could, a failed 4th-and-goal conversion occurred and turned the ball over to the Trouser Snakes.

Moxie, grit, and guile are staples of the ‘Bohs – and it was on full display. Without the pressure of a safety to end a play around five seconds, the ‘Bohs defenders had to cover until the TS QB decided to throw the ball – a daunting task. Despite their best efforts, the Snakes scored and, as is a staple of the ‘Bohs defense, prevented a successful conversion to keep the lead in favor of the Untouchabohs 30-24 over the Trouser Snakes.

Evil demons were watching, and taunting, the Untouchabohs on their second drive of the half. After gaining a first down, barely across the midline, the ODB offense gained two completions, but not a lot of distance. Desperately in need of yardage, and a game clinching touchdown, the ‘Bohs receivers moved through the tight zone of the maroon morons. Coming free from a deep route, a ‘Bohs receiver opened up in the nick of time as pressure was crossing the line in the form of a Redskin Hat wearing toolbox with speed. Barely able to release the ball in time, the pass attempt hit the ground, forcing a 20-yard fourth and goal. With a play drawn in the sand, receivers crossing from left to right along the goaline, the coup de gras was still possible. Taking the snap, and drifting behind the midline to allow more time for the receiver to work deep, the crossing routes of the two primary receivers freed three ‘Bohs receivers along the goaline. With the count reaching ‘Five,’ Hughes fired a laser to the near–left quadrant of the end zone only to have the ball fall to the ground. It was going to be the defense to secure the game from this point forward.

Time was running out, and a loss to the maroon Trouser Snakes would have added another 5-win team to the playoff mix while a win would ensure a playoff future in the Tastes-Great League (TGL) postseason. The valiant, and tiring, defense was able to hold off the Snakes for long enough but eventually yielded a game-tying touchdown to even the score at 30-30 – with the two-point conversion holding both teams hostage for the final play of the game. The Snakes snapped the ball to the QB and, with time appearing to run on forever, the targeted receiver slipped to the ground at the same time that the ‘Bohs’ defender slipped to the ground. With time still running, and the ‘Bohs unable to apply pressure with the safety blitz, the maroon receiver broke loose of his coverage in the right-rear of the end zone. The same demons that stuck the ‘Bohs with the untimely ejection were about to strike the Snakes. The quarterback, not under any pressure whatsoever, and only trying for the one-point PAT, tossed the ball to the receiver – but the ball bounced through his hands and to the ground. Tie-game, Untouchabohs are IN the playoffs, and free football for all of those who count in the eyes of the TGL Warlock-Led ‘Bohs.

Next up for the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2-1, Playoff Seed #22) are Buck Young’s You do you. Ima do me. (Team #75, Red, 6-2, Playoff Seed #11) at 11:00 on Patterson Park Field #6, Saturday, 6 November 2010. This is free football for everyone who shows up, and we need you to be there! Go ‘Bohs!

Potpourri:


• The ‘Bohs have won the coin toss three times this season, and started with the ball, but not the desired direction;
• The ‘Bohs have lost the coin toss five times this season, and four times started with the ball AND desired direction;
• Darian Asghari set a team records for QB sacks this season with six – breaking the previous record of two!
• The ‘Bohs have outscored opponents 262 to 186 this season, an average margin of 9.5 points per game;
• The ‘Bohs have converted 78% of conversions over the last three games, while averaging 20% for the previous 13;
• Meanwhile, they only allow conversions at a 20% clip (one out of every five, on average);
• Opponents turn the ball over approximately 37% of their drives versus the ODB average of 20%;
• ‘Boh’s QBs have thrown 39 touchdowns this season as compared to one interception;
• Upon hearing about the engagement of Aaron 'The Franchise' Warren and Danielle 'Not James' Madison, Adrian Hughes picked-up, and spun, 'Not James' around several times with glee! and
• We all, by fighting together, through weddings, travel and engagements, managed to earn free football!

Warlock Controls Universe - Secures Win During Loss

"I don't know how I keep doing it?!" Warlock replies...

23 October 2010 (Disassociated Press) - The Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2) were clobbered today by the approximate score of a LOT to LESS on Patterson High School Field #4 today by Fantasy Football (Team #19, Red, 6-1).

How does Tim 'Warlock' Lambert control games such as this - even the dark lord Satan replied 'No Comment.' during an interview with the unofficial blogger of the BSSC's TGL.  Lambert, sitting at work in Hunt Valley, sent his wishes and skills with Adrian 'Iggy' Hughes to handle the coin toss prior to the clash of teams - the unbeaten Team #19, and the two-loss Team #31 Untouchabohs.  Dark magic was about to happen.

Jason Gill, captain of FF, won the coin toss and - for reasons only known to the Warlock - elected to take the ball.  Such witchcraft allowed the Untouchabohs, the losers of the coin toss, to gain BOTH the ball AND the desired direction.  But the darkest of the black magic was yet to come...

With time ticking toward the start of the game, and the 'Bohs only having a TOTAL of five gentlemen and three ladies, the opponent only had one female present.  With repeated cries of 'she's on her way' originating from the red-clad group, the Warlock Lambert expired the referee's clock and a forfeit - this season, finally, in favor of the 'Bohs - was called, giving the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, a much-needed victory!

In a fun-game that was basically a massacre of the 'Bohs' defense in action, the little blond girl ran circles around everybody on the field and essentially defined the entire offense of the Fantasy Football squad, who spent most of the day fantasizing about having a full complement of females play in that week's game!

One educational moment was gleamed from the day, though, as the Untouchabohs threw deep several times - with each of the passes falling incomplete and one of them turning from a touchdown into an interception.  'Bohs' QBs, well QB in the singular, threw two interceptions and had a third batted down by a perplexed defender.

Magically, the Untouchabohs were smoked today and somehow lost the coin toss, earned the ball, obtained the desired offensive direction, and secured a win during a loss.  All of which seems tainted by the wonderful control of Coach Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert.

Special Thanks to those that made it to the game.  Without you we would not be having the season that we're having - and the opportunity to earn free football (playoffs).  Welcome to the team you not-so-newbies and we hope you'll keep playing with us for a few seasons to come!

Next up for the Untouchabohs is Kristen Basore's Trouser Snakes (Team #6, Maroon, 4-3) at LK Field #1.  This team is seeking the elusive 5th win to give them the opportunity to make it to the playoffs, while the 'Bohs are in a Win-and-In scenario!

Clash of Purple Bodes Well For 'Bohs

Board-Tested Defender Turns Tsunami-Like Tide of Game

16 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) - After feasting on world-class quiche, meeting and greeting the Untouchababy, and arriving to the field on time for the first time all season, the Untouchabohs (Team 31, Purple, 4-2) started slowly before mercilessly turning the Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 1-5) into a Barney-colored pudding during the Baltimore Marathon at Patterson Park Field #6.

The Untouchabohs had to face the demons remaining on a field with one of the worst losses in team history, to a lime-colored bunch of freaks in Week 3.  Facing a purple team for the second time in as many weeks, but NOT needing to wear the horrible pinnies, the 'Bohs needed the warlock to get the game started quickly to keep the Purple-on-Purple momentum from the previous week's win.  Facing a strong, quartering, wind blowing to the southwest would benefit the cerebral 'Bohs.

Managing the mystical powers of the 'coin toss,' (actually a game of odds-or-evens with the referee holding one hand behind his back), Tim "Warlock" Lambert secured both the ball AND the preferred direction again - proving that dark magic is nothing to joke about.  Unfortunately, the opening drive stalled with an incomplete pass on 4th-and-goal, putting the 'Bohs' defenders on the field for the first time all game.

Defense wins championships, and with the balance of the game in the powerful hands of the person-on-person Untouchabohs' defense, and the Plastered Platypuses had no idea that they had Hell to pay!  Facing a forced-gender and-goal situation, Danielle "I took my boards yesterday, darnit" Madison unleashed hell on the unsuspecting PP receiver, ripping the ball from deep within her soul, and taking the ball well beyond the midline.  The chorus of cheers serenaded both the amazing defensive play of Madison and the passers-by running the Linwood Leg of the Baltimore Marathon.

The ODB offense capitalizes on such typically unprecedented female defensive dominance.  This season the killer instinct of the post-turnover ODB offense turns opponents into post-dominatrix berated submissives, and the PP were just the next in line.  The 'Bohs drove down the field with the focus of an angry mongoose killing a rattlesnake and gutted the Platypus defense with a score to Wes Gilbert and the newly rejuvenated conversion play to take the 8-0 lead.

With the first massive showing of the season, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, had plenty of depth to counter the pinnie-clad Platypuses.  Despite giving up the touchdown on the ensuing drive, tight defense prevented the PP conversion attempt to maintain the ever-important two-point lead and keep the score at 8-6.

In true Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert fashion, the ODB milked the clock like a prized cow - sort of.  Driving down the field, and appropriately mixing high-percentage passes with timely running plays, the Untouchabohs faced their first forced-gender on the PP side of the field.  Making a quick move from right-to-left, Danielle 'Fury' Madison took the Hughes pass - which was thrown to a spot to allow the receiver to make a play - all the way to the western end zone to extend the lead to 14-6.  With the second successful conversion of the day the protagonist's lead grew to 16-6. 

Unable to comprehend the sophisticated nuances of Mike Cray's insidious football-like game, the PPs faced a 4th-and-mid with time evaporating at the end of the first half.  The deep heave-ho down the middle of the field fell incomplete - and a charity 30 second runoff by the referee - ended the half.

The referee is an interesting bird.  The same referee that witnessed the 39-6 drubbing of the black team in Week 4 - and who stole an interception from the hands of Darian 'Subversion' Asghari on a reversal of his OWN rule - was witnessing an absolute massacre-in-progress of an overmatched pinnie team. Despite such shortcomings, he seems to be a jovial gentleman, and does a generally unremarkable job of refereeing Taste-Great-League (TGL) games.

The massacre-in-motion had yet to take shape due to the pair of turnovers in the first half leaving the PPs with a chance to bring the game within two points.  After a halftime discussion about how the ball would hold-up in the wind to the offensive right side of the field, the strategy immediately came to fruition.  Too bad for them that the PP's ineptitude started with a ball dropped by the 'Bohs' safety (hung in the wind) on the first play and culminated with a turnover after trapping themselves in a 4th-and-two (that becomes a 4th-and-mid) situation.  Batting the pass down, the turnover was complete, and the killer instinct of the 'Bohs was going to be on full display. 

Driving toward the eastern end zone of Patterson Park Field #6, and preparing to put their foot on the opponent's throat, completions were aplenty.  Sensing the final blow - reminiscent of the 'Finish Him' chants of Mortal Kombat lore - Kendall 'My Ball' Crawford quietly hauled in a laser of a pass for the touchdown.  The THIRD conversion in a row extended the lead to 24-6 and there was blood in the water for the circling Untouchabohs' defensive sharks.

People are sometimes privy to seeing amazing things, and the 'Bohs have a shut down corner in Will 'The Engineer' Gray.  This drive was one of hope for the PPs, but it was about to end in disaster - due to the QB failing to note the direction of the wind and the routes that his receiver decided to run - and the amazing athleticism of the Engineer...  The QB had a receiver running from left to right with the Engineer trailing behind.  Late on the read, the QB passed the ball to the receiver - into a quartering wind that deflected the ball behind BOTH the receiver AND the Engineer.  Gray, while running at full speed and the ball tailing behind him, arched his back in a display of athleticism that caused ballerinas to weep tears of appreciation, and tipped the ball with his outstretched right hand.  His feet, almost separate from his body, finally got themselves in position, and moved his body toward the floating ball.  Centered now, like mass likes to be on orbiting bodies, Gray caught the ball with two hands for the magnificent interception, and another dagger into the heart of the Purple Platypuses.

The ensuing 'Boh's drive brought a newbie, excuse me, a newBoh, into the scoring mix with the culmination of the drive resulting in a touchdown to Ken 'Post Up' Grote in the left corner of the end zone.  This was a game of new scores, as Ken, Aaron, and Adrian all caught touchdowns for the first time this season.  Great team effort!

With the game in hand, Wes 'Not Kenny' G. took over the reigns of the QB position and led the team on two scoring drives that sandwiched a Darian Asghari pick and the ejection of the fuzzy-haired and overmatched QB of the PPs.  The first touchdown drive had the Warlock catching a deep ball for the first time all season and ended with a Gilbert-Asghari TD pass in the center of the end zone.  The gender-conversion had the female Asghari pass to Hughes on the left side that Hughes, known throughout the league as having a massive ribcage, tipped the ball to himself while ricocheting the defender off of the ribcage, for the two-point play.  The second drive, following the ejection and against a 7-man defense - had the QB pass the ball to an uncovered former-QB in the right side of the end zone.  A successful one-point conversion ended the game with the final score of 47-6. 

Next up for the Untouchabohs is Fantasy Football (Team 19, Red, 6-0) at Patterson High School Field #4 on Saturday 23 October 2010.  With almost the entire team unable to make this game, the remaining 'Bohs will do their best to keep the winning streak, and playoff hopes, alive for another season.

Prime Time Stolen by Pinnie-Donning Untouchabohs

Warlock-Led ‘Bohs Bounce Bastards

9 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) – Like the merciless beatings of the proverbial red-headed stepchild, the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 3-2) turned up the heat in a 26-18 victory over Gil Milan’s Prime Time Bastards (Team #45, Purple, 2-3) at Patterson Park Field 1 on Saturday. All that, a bag-o-chips, and whilst wearing bright-yellow pinnies to boot).

Despite being forced to wear tiny pinnies, which would have made even the sveltest male conscious of his rotund corpulence, Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert used his Warlock-like powers to control the opening ‘coin toss’ and favor the mighty Untouchabohs. Lambert has made BSSC history with his ability to trick the other team into giving the Untouchabohs the ball to start the game AND allow the ‘Bohs to obtain their desired direction. Oh ye Gods!

The Untouchabohs moved the ball against the 3-3-2 zone of the PTBs with ease - having fun yet also displaying the seriousness of a tax-audit on steroids. Wielding the ODB (that’s the Offense is Defense, Bitch) offense, predicated on ball control to allow the fierce defense the ability to rest on the sideline, with the might of Atlas, the ‘Bohs moved the ball efficiently down the field. Never having to face a forced-gender possession, another covenant of the ODB offense, the offense found itself knocking on the opponent’s endzone (heads from the gutter, please) with a 4th-and-goal from the one yard line. One incomplete pass later, and the Untouchabohs had their first turnover-on-downs of the season and the momentum had shifted to the dually-purple clad PTBs.

This is an offensive league and teams are expected to score on every drive. This false sense of security is exactly how the defensively-minded Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, like to suffocate their hapless opponent like the tightening grip of a boa constrictor around the neck of its next meal. A few yards and two completions were gained on the first series, but this was just the ‘Bohs lulling their hapless victim into a state of apparent safety before striking. With the Untouchabohs’ women making a key play on third-and-midline, the stage was set for a critical 4th-and-mid. Back to full strength after a barrage of weddings, international travel, illness, and charity decimated the roster, the heave of the PTBs QB fell incomplete and turned the ball back to the ‘Bohs’ ODB Offense. Though they were apparently unaware of the truth – this was the beginning of the end for the PTBs.

The intensity of the Untouchabohs would have rivaled that of the nuclear ball of fusion within the sky while the focus on display instilled a feeling of jealousy by the Hubble Telescope.  Passes were thrown that were not allowed to hit the ground. Second-down passes went to Danielle ‘Doctor’ Madison with the ease of a Sunday afternoon hammock swaying in the breeze, and outlet passes drifted to the open Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari in the flats. The ball was spread to all of the receivers, and the QB found open targets with ease. Striking first blood, the ‘Bohs executed the first score of the game and took a 6-0 lead. Facing the conversion demons of the past two years, the QB Hughes missed an opening to Kendall ‘MY Ball’ Crawford before putting the defense onto the field for the second time of the game.

PTBs somehow managed to start a quarterback with hundred-dollar wheels and a rag arm. Despite the incompletions on the opening series dooming the team to the turnover, the PTBs QB managed to create instant offense by running for first downs across the midline. One quick pass to the gloved wonder, a relatively athletic and over-intense self-perceived studmuffin, on the right side culminated in a quick touchdown and a tie game. With the pinnie-clad ‘Bohs defenders defending the end zone like a brother defends his sister’s honor, the pass fell incomplete and the score remained tied. Quick Note: The PTBs spent 15 minutes of pre-game running a combination route to the left side of the end zone with the primary receiver running a fade to the left… The sideline called the route before the snap, and the receiver changed his route, which doomed the pass to be incomplete!

With their third possession of the game, and about 6:50 on the clock, the ‘Bohs had to execute the game plan perfectly to prevent losing the opening coin toss advantage – meaning you cannot go into halftime tied since the other team gets the ball to start the second half. This meant a drive that would milk the clock like an angry farmer milks a cow AND culminated in a score. Turnovers are not allowed. Failure is not an option!!!


Neither OC Warren nor QB Hughes were prepared for the new BSSC defensive zone alignment being executed by the PTBs - a 1-5-2 defense.  This required the ODB offense to move cautiously down the field to avoid a turnover. Waiting until the Referee called that there were less than 10 seconds remaining before each snap, the defense anxiously anticipated the random route running of the ‘Bohs’ receivers. Despite the fluxing of defensive alignments, nobody stepped-in to stop the Hughes-Madison Second-Down certainty or pay attention to the rushing attempts of the ‘Bohs’ QB to gain yardage without the possibility of a turnover. After getting a first down on the initial completion series (where a completion yields a first down), several QB rushes gained significant yardage to burn the clock and get the ‘Bohs to third-and-goal about one football from the midline.

Darian Asghari caught a first down pass with less than four minutes remaining and the clock running like a leaky faucet.  Humor struck immediately after potential calamity when Hughes stared-down Lauren Asghari on the offensive right side and heaved a high-hard pass toward the sideline. The safety, one of the two twin brothers wearing hats, broke on the ball and almost intercepted the errant QB pass – errant due to the swirling winds on the field that literally blew the ball higher and more outside and prevented the interception. With the female Asghari walking back into the huddle, the ‘Doctor’ mentioned that she should get the football… with Lauren replying ‘I know, I know, I got my hands on it.’ Ironically not understanding that she should have actually retrieved the ball after it went out of bounds. Funny – I don’t care who you are.

It was finally time to score - facing a third-and goal from the 10 yardline and just over two minutes remaining in the half. Still facing a 1-5-2 defense, effective in redzone play, the five count expired and the PTBs sent in a female rusher to attack the yellow pinnie-clad QB of the ‘Bohs. Feigning left and rolling to his right, his throwing side, Hughes stared to his left and tossed the no-look pass to the waiting Lauren A. for the touchdown. 12-6, stay classy San Diego. A failed conversion for the second time of the game prevented an extension of the lead but still gave the Untouchabohs the advantage while also leaving the PTBs with little time on the clock.

Defense wins championships – and keeping teams from scoring with possessions at the end of halves keeps the ‘Bohs ahead of the curve. With the PTBs QB forgetting that their best offense weapon was having their quarterback run around the tide turned in favor of the ‘Bohs’ defense – specifically All-BSSC Safety Darian Asghari. In a league where sacks just DO NOT happen, and most teams do not run a man-on-man defense, the ‘Bohs make it happen.

On the final series of the half, with all aspects of the man-on-man defense shutting down the receivers, the male Asghari bursts over the line at the split second of the 5-count and forced the quarterback to try to run – but only for a one-yard gain. On the same possession, with the defense covering the wide receivers like cake batter on mixing blades, the male Asghari lunged over the line with the intensity of a teenie trying to get Justin Bieber tickets and SACKED the QB for a 5 yard loss.

After burning a timeout, the offense attempted a deep pass to one of their females – who failed to catch anything other than a shuffle-pass all day – with Lauren Havery-Levin physically preventing the pass from completion. End of half – ‘Bohs hold a 12-6 lead.

PTBs started the second-half with the ball when calamity struck for the Untouchabohs. First play fo the second half was a deep pass downfield from one twin brother to the other. With the ball drifting into the sun, Keith ‘Don’t Call me Klevin’ Levin, covering his receiver like white on Jerry Rice, just missed the ball – which was caught and run in for the quick touchdown. The ‘Bohs’ defense held again for a key stop, which allowed the score to remain tied at 12-all.

The most awkward play of the season was about to occur on the ensuing ‘Bohs drive – and there was little doubt that awkwardness is occasionally synonymous with Adrian. After satisfying the completion series completions – first down to a male and second down to the Madison – the Untouchabohs’ QB noticed another shift in the defense – now playing a 3-2-3 zone and opening up the center of the field. Taking the snap, on the run, Hughes rushed deep up the middle of the field before being tacked with about ten yards to go until the midline.

Doing the same thing on the next snap – Hughes, as he is prone to do, stopped immediately before the midline and awaited the imminent tackle by the PTBs’ nearest female – adhereing to the pleas of teammates to avoid tagging the rushing ‘Bohs player. In the three seconds that followed, with awkwardness exponentially growing like bacterial growth on an agar plate, Hughes rotated his body and ‘tapped’ the PTBs player. Upon further review – take a knee next time!

Despite the awkwardness, the Bohs’ moved the ball down the field and found themselves once-again in a short-and-goal situation. Luckily enough for them, Lexi, fresh off of her honeymoon, was back on the field and found herself free on the offensive right side of the end zone. Gentle pass into the corner placed the score back into favor of the ‘Bohs as they took an 18-12 lead. The subsequent conversion to Levin on the left side of the field, a successful conversion FINALLY, extended the lead to 19-12 and gave the ball back to PTBs.

Sometimes, luck plays a factor regardless of skill or planning. The next drive was typical of the things that can go wrong in Second-Tier, Coed, Beer-Drinking, Two-hand Touch, BSSC football. Facing third-and-one situations twice on the drive, PTBs finally figured out that a short shuffle pass was the way to go. On their scoring series drive they finally got a really nice guy with a horrendous haircut the ball while running a circle route from right to left behind the line of scrimmage. So wide open you would have thought that he rolled-around in garbage, the lofted pass found him on the left side of the field, and he waddled-in for the touchdown. With the balance of power, meaning the score, in their hands again, the defense came through and forced another key incompletion and the Untouchabohs maintained a one-point advantage.

With just under seven minutes remaining in the game, the ODB offense was about to operate as efficiently as possible – running the clock down and securing a victory. With a pass-pass here and a run over there, the mastery of the BSSC rules was so beautiful that it caused tears of joy to be wept by innocent bystandiing witnesses. Again taking advantage of running, and thus making an interception an impossibility, the ball moved down the field as the clock tick-tocked itself away. Milking the clock down to the two minute warning was the initial goal of the drive. Goal number two, a score, was about to come to fruition like a rainbow refracting sunlight from condensing water vapor. With the female Asghari open on the right side of the field, crossing the goaline, her signature move perfectly executed, Hughes heaved a gentle, and so very loving, pass over the defense and into the waiting arms of the Untouchabohs’ receiver. Converting the one-point conversion to go up by eight points put the PTBs behind the proverbial 8-ball and put the staggeringly-intense ‘Bohs defenders back on the field in crunch time.

In an anticlimactic finish, the PTBs never made it over the midline as a second sack took place and the female receivers of the opponent failed to figure a way to play with the QB’s balls (snicker snicker). With the ‘Bohs taking a knee to finish the game, the final bell rang, and the score was finalized – 26-18.

Next up for the Untouchabohs is the MARATHON GAME, which is the game that takes place DURING THE MARATHON at Patterson Park Field #6 at 10:00 on Saturday, 16 October 2010 against Reggie Riddick’s Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 4-1). Luckily enough for the ‘Bohs, they are the home team this week and they won’t need to wear the bright yellow pinnies!

Important BSSC Links:

• FIELD MAPS;
• SCHEDULE; and
• STANDINGS;

Quick Summary of Weeks 2-4 To Keep Up To Date!

Game #2 Against Jimmy MacFarland's Baltimore Bohs and O's (Team #37, 1-0, White)

• Hughes knocking down the long pass attempt down the defensive left side (though he didn't pick it).
• Will having a kid!!!!
• Playing our hearts out without any substitutions.
• That skinny pale kid catching too many passes;
• Our socks!
• Not getting blown out again 40 something to 6 (like in the first time at LK#2 when they were bright yellow)

 Game #3 Against Jeff Barnes' Bad Touches (Team #5, Lime Green, 1-1)

• Against the lime green team; Few subs, hot as hell, no Darian or Lauren.
• Hughes' laser of a throw to Wes in the end zone from midfield;
• Keith coming back from the wedding to catch a long touchdown;
• Driving at the end of the game and coming up short on 4th and goal, to lose by 1
• Adrian laying out the guy at the end of the half;
• Anastasia making it happen all game long;

Game #4 Against Raphael Christofidis' Triflin Hose (Team #11, Black, 1-2)

• Facing the black team - who was terrible - Field 1 at 4:00
• Keith missed the game again;
• Layne's interception;
• Making the game just in time due to horrible traffic from the Fells Point Festival;
• Lauren tossing the ball to Danielle, with Adrian batting it down…
• Our socks;
• Finally generating a conversion play;
• Kendall's SNATCH on a high laser after we were going to take a knee, and we scored a touchdown;
• Lauren dropping the sure hot dog interception
• Referee overturning Darian's third interception of the game;
• Quarterback running for a long touchdown;
• Being able to use our deceptive play, or so other referees have called it, to almost score;
• Adrian's BACKWARDS pass to Darian when they rushed 3 people…
• Final score was 40-6. They kept heaving the ball softly into the middle of the field.