Tornadic Winds and Untouchabohs Twist Undermanned Warriors

Football Gods Smirk at Attempt to Throw Hot Dog in the Wind

(Aqua Iggy News) 9 May 2010 - Strategic strategery, a suffocating defense, a little love from the referee, and a methodical offense carried the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 5-0-1) over Andrew Porter's Christopher Walken's Warriors (Team #144, Royal Blue, 1-5) at the displaced Field #4 at Patterson High School in a 24-13 Mother's Day victory.

Facing sustained 25 mph winds swirling and changing directions more frequently than changing an infant's diaper, the direction of play would be key in avoiding a big, negative, play for the 'Bohs. Team #124 is lucky to have the fabled, dark-magic wielding, coach on their side. Winning the coin toss for the fourth-straight game, the gifted coach Tim 'Warlock' Lambert secured the ball for the ODB offense and used his mystical powers to secure the wind direction that the Untouchabohs coveted at the start of the game. 'The Warlock' has won 5 of 6 coin tosses, and in the singular loss, managed to use his powers to secure BOTH the wind direction and the ball to start on offense. Oh, ye Gods!

The initial possession began with a friendly game of 7-on-7 as both teams were short one female as the game started. Two 'Bohs were drawn to an adjacent field hosting another, and likely not as attractive, orange team like insects to a bright orange lamp. The reinforcements arrived in time to participate in the initial drive, characteristic of the ODB offense. The initial pass attempts is a short pass to a male, followed by a shovel to the waiting arms of the female. If you are new to the Less Filling League (LFL) of the BSSC, this ensures that the initial first down is obtained, and ensures that a 4th-and-1 Completion; Gender scenario is never reached. The drive, straight into a gusting wind, culminated in a touchdown to (WHO?) though the failed conversion left the lead at a meager 6-0 score.

The Orange Crush Defense of the Untouchabohs is a sight to see. Forcing turnovers at a clip of 62% of the opponents' drives (which includes stopping a team at the end of the first half for record-keeping purposes) is something unheard-of in the lore of the LFL. Granted, the opponents of this season's squad, currently 15-33 (0.313 winning %) is significantly lower than last seasons opponents (37-19; 0.661%). Facing the offense of Christopher Walken's Warriors (CWW henceforth) for the first time today brought out the best and the worst in the defense.

For the second-straight game the offense opposing the OCD of the 'Bohs faced a 4th-and-1 on the opening possession, and for the second-straight game the defense astutely took away the short, easy completion. Unfortunately, also for the second-straight game, the defense yielded a long completion to convert the completion and gain significant yardage toward the end zone. Ugly as that was, the best was yet to come. Facing 3rd-and-1 (Open) the CWW QB scanned the field and looked for an open, royal blue-clad receiver in the end zone. Finding a tall, lanky, drink of water open in the right side of the end zone, the lame-armed bandit heaved a tight spiral toward the receiver. The receiver, leaving his giant feet to grapple the NFL-sized football high above the ground, clasped the pass between two hands and was preparing to gently land for the score. Unfortunately for him, Will 'Night Train Lane' Gray was about to make a 'Gray't' play.

Exploding from his sound defensive possession inside of the receiver, also the initial reason the pass was high and outside in the first place, Gray erupted from his position in a way that would make an exploding star jealous and closed-in on the gangly giant. Leaping gracefully like a gazelle in his prime, Gray glided through the air to smack the ball from the receiver's hands at the pinnacle of its height. BSSCPN has automatically awarded Gray the 'Top-10 Play' #1 ranking for the week, and will consider bringing him in for the BSSCSPY Awards this summer. Perhaps one of the most explosive plays in years for the LFL. Almost as a side note, the secretive and deft Angelo Rivera deflected the subsequent 4th-and-Goal (Gender) pass down at the line through the referee didn't see it and the offense quickly moved onto the field before the challenge flag could be thrown by CWW. Turnover #1, 6-0 in favor of the 'Bohs.

The ensuing possession had a great deal more crisp offensive action than the 'Bohs have had during the previous two games. With Lindsay 'Leopard's' Spotts drawing the coverage of the opponent and the respect of teammates on forced gender plays, the offense moved methodically down the field with the rhythm of the Olympic rowing team. Passing, running, and managing the game, a touchdown was as imminnet as the sunset. Facing into the wind, two attempts failed at touchdowns until Jonny 'Secret Agent and Dirty Boy' Layne snatched a high, hard, pass out of the air like an osprey snatches an unwilling victim; angry and with authority. Failed conversion on a truly wind-blown attempt left the 'Bohs up 12-0 over the truly overmatched opponent.

This is an offensive league, even though defense wins championships, and the quick quarterback of CWW was on the move. The most effective plays of the day for offensive leader of this gangly group of so-called ‘Warriors’ occurred when a blitzer crossed the line and yards were gained with the QB scramble. That said, CWW moved down the field and got a touch lucky scoring their first touchdown of the day and a conversion to move the game to 12-7. Proving how important even one conversion may be, the game was now within five points of the trailing team and 53 seconds remained, the ‘Bohs heading into the teeth of a gusting wind.

A valiant effort on several completions put the ‘Bohs within striking distance of the end zone and only consumed one timeout. Unfortunately the defense stacked the end zone and Darian ‘Don’t Throw a Hot Dog in the Wind’ Asghari came open late in the play on the right hand side after the last attempt at a third, first-half, score fell incomplete.

The gender confusion played an important role in this contest of two well-dressed teams. On CWW’s initial possession, a deft knock-down by Rivera stopped a drive and forced a turnover on downs. On the ensuing ‘Bohs possession a pass intended for Spotts was inadvertently batted down by one of the five males with their hands in the air. With a short, petulant, weevil of a man on the royal blue squad saying that we owed it to them to decline the penalty (which is what the QB Hughes was going to do anyway), the sportsmanlike Untouchabohs declined the penalty. Ironically, for those who don’t know the rules (like CWW), if you accept the penalty it’s 5-yards and repeat gender, if you decline the penalty, gender is reset and the play becomes open. By following the weevil’s request, he doomed them to playing 7-on-8 again as opposed to 3-on-3. Further forced-gender issues would surface later in the game though Jessica Marshall (referee, and captain of a 6-0 team) would have none of it.

Opening the second-half with the ball, CWW faced a forced gender situation. With the ‘Bohs male defenders on the line, arms in the air, the lame-duck-throwing QB of CWW drilled Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert in the right pectoralis major and claimed that the pass was interfered-with. Knowing the rules, Jessica M. informed the offense that by purposefully striking a male defender below the shoulder is a penalty, repeat the gender, and move the ball back 5-yards. A scramble by the QB across the mid-line (for the only first-down of the drive) was followed by several heaves into the wind that looked more like an injured toddler being catapulted without rhyme-or-reason in a northwesterly direction. Another failed 4th-and-1 later, turnover on downs, ODB has the ball.

With advice from Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari, barking from the sideline, to continue to milk the clock, the ODB offense was keeping the pressure on the defense. Phantom forces were about to curse the Rivera for the second straight week. Taking a bubble screen off of the right side of the line, Rivera juked the initial defender so hard that his pride was left in the jetwash of the receiver’s afterburners. With only one defender remaining between Rivera and the end zone the game was on. Making another juke that caused Himalayan Monks to weep tears of resplendent joy, Rivera moved to his right and crossed the goal line. Unfortunately for Rivera, for the second straight game, phantom forces were at work and an inadvertent whistle called the play dead on the defensive side of the mid-line. Personally disappointing for the receiver, it did not haunt the ‘Bohs as they scored again on a beautifully-run route by Bruce ‘You Didn’t See That One Coming’ McMillion. Let it be known that Bruce had just run 6 routes previously by walking off of the line, and on this play, walked off of the line and exploded into the play. Touchdown, failed conversion, 18-7 Untouchabohs.

Defense wins championships. In a league like this everyone is expected to score every time. LFL rookies don’t remember the days of 26-28 losses, turnover-free games, and games lost because of failed conversions. Most also don’t remember the 1-7 season with 2 forfeits, the 3-5 season with 2 forfeits, or the 4-4 season where we lost on a touchdown with no time remaining after tying it with under a minute left on a 25-yard 2-pt conversion (due to a penalty). This game had already seen two turnovers and was about to see a third. With the QB scramble allowing yet another first down after mid-field, a heave on another forced-gender play fell incomplete and another turnover on downs gave the ball back to the Untouchabohs. With the tally standing at 18-7 in favor of the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, the ODB went into full-on execution mode and worked the clock like a teenager working second base for the first time in their lives.

Driving, completing passes, scrambling, and gaining first-downs, the offense was rhythmic and beautiful to watch. The wind, still wreaking havoc on the ball actually caused one of Hughes’ passes to violently move to the right, mid-flight, and with Layne adjusting to the ball, also removed the receiver’s shoe. With heckling from blue and orange players directed toward the handsome reciever’s golf socks, the receiver shrugged, and was about to have the last laugh. Running the same route, the receiver broke across the formation, right to left, and caught another rocket, placed in a better location this time, and got dirty for the final ‘Bohs touchdown of the game. The 10th-straight failed PAT left the score at 24-7.

The final drive of the game was aided by some generous calls by Referee Marshall who seems to have warmed to the Untouchabohs over the last two seasons. LFL-lovers may remember when her judgment in the playoffs cost the Untouchabohs a first down and essentially gave the game to the eventual LFL champions ‘Fear the Purple.’ Despite this fact, the referee seemed to want the other team to score an ego-boost and allowed them to drive down the field and score one more time. The conversion attempt left 33 seconds on the clock and the ‘Bohs allowed the clock to run down to secure their fifth victory of the season against zero losses.

Patterson High School Field #5 will be the showdown of the regular season as the Untouchabohs take on Chris Lee’s LMU Falcons (Team #125, Navy, 4-2). This game could be the season for the Untouchabohs. Currently, football playoffs are scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, 5 and 6 June 2010, respectively. This means that 32 teams would make the playoffs. IF KICKBALL playoffs are rained-out, then kickball would use the fields on the 5th of June and only EIGHT TEAMS will make the playoffs. If the Untouchabohs win-out, they are guaranteed a seed in the playoffs, but if they suffer a loss, their postseason dreams could be dashed like a Nightmare of Kane Street.

Fight hard, play with pride, what’s our name?! ‘Bohs!

Potpourri:
• Lambert, when asked at JD’s after the game about his coin tosses, was heard uttering, “Aren’t I a smart person? Doing good things, making say Yeah?”
• Lambert has won his 4th straight coin toss, and is 5 of 6 for the season;
• Mother’s day kept a lot of ‘Bohs from participating and hopefully a bigger squad will return for the very important game this week;
• Untouchabohs’ QBs have thrown 32 TDs and 1 INT;
• The ‘Bohs have failed on 10-straight conversions dating back two weeks;
• The offense was only stopped on conversions and because of halftime;
• Jonny ‘Fast’ Layne extended his modern-day LFL record and sullied himself for the 16th-straight game;
• Rivera will miss the game and will hopefully exorcise the phantoms that haunt him when he is running down the sidelines;
• The opponent played with an NFL-sized ball that was slipperier than a lubricated porcus (latin for ‘pig’);
• The ‘Bohs are 2-0 against teams that toss an NFL-sized football (Team #112, Irish Green)