Monkey Mojo Stolen by Thievish Untouchabohs

THREE PICKS TASTE GREAT IN TASTES GREAT LEAGUE OPENER

Disassociated Press (11 September 2010) – A witches’ brew of monkey mojo, national heritage, a warlock’s blessing, and three interceptions were stirred in the cauldron that was brand new Patterson Park Field #6 as the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 1-0) intercepted a win over Red Hot Monkey Mojo (Team #40, Red, 0-1) on Saturday. Despite an apparent lack of depth, the ‘Bohs were outnumbered almost two-to-one, the ‘Bohs mustered enough mojo, grit, and guile on defense to intercept the tactically-challenged quarterback three times on their way to a 31-14 defeat.

Last season, Coach Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert made a mockery of the coin toss when, in nine games, he made a habit of magically losing the toss and still getting the ball and the direction that the Untouchabohs desired. He sent his black magic from his charity event to PHS Field #6 as evidenced by the opposing manager winning the toss and inexplicably choosing defense to start – allowing Hughes, the ‘Bohs giddy quarterback, to obtain both the ball and the desired direction. Oh ye Gods!

Starting off from the western end zone and driving east like the jet stream, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, completed their first four passes by mastering the Offense is Defense, Bitch (ODB) offense and staying out of forced gender situations. Adding new talent in Allison Merkle, Danielle ‘Robin’ Madison, and Megan Tschoep, to the already-feared Lauren ‘The ANIMAL’ Asghari, the FemBohs displayed superior athleticism while striking fear in the Monkey Women. With completions to the left and completions to the right, here a pass, there a pass, everywhere a pass-pass the ‘Bohs drained the clock like the desert sun drains lost victims and scored to move ahead 6-0. With a failed completion, the defense was about to take the field.

Defense wins championships, and in a league where you are assumed to score every time, a turnover is a cataclysmic offensive mistake. With RHMM moving toward the mid-line, and needing a conversion, the Untouchabohs were about to force a cataclysmic mistake. With fourth-and-mid, forced gender (something that the ‘Bohs don’t allow to happen within the ODB offense), RHMM’s lanky quarterback waited for the impossible – for his ladies to shake free of the beautiful and talented ‘Bohs’ defenders. With the 5-count expired, and under pressure from safety Darian Asghari, the quarterback heaved a soft spiral toward the waiting arms of the receiver. Unfortunately for her, ‘Robin’ Madison was sticking the defender like hot wax to naughty bits, and ripped the ball from her pasty-white clutches. Turnover, ‘Bohs have the ball!

Working the clock like Lady Gaga works a meat dress, the ‘Bohs took their time to cross the midline. With several completions and a few quick QB sneaks, the offense found themselves in front of the goaline with a chance to lead by 2 scores. A quick completion to the left side of the endzone provided the much-needed points, and a surprise 1-point point-after-try (PAT) but the Untouchabohs up 13-0 and placed their vaunted defense back onto the field.

RHMM sports several athletic players, one who could best be described as gazelle-like, on the receiving side of the ball. Using a ‘Hot Dog’ (for newbies or fresh meat, that is a college or pro-sized football), the quarterback was able to deftly move the ball down the field on sideline routes and ‘flag’ routes that were indefensible to the ‘Bohs’ cornerbacks and safeties. Their second drive of the game culminated in the gazelle catching the ball in the right corner of the endzone on a corner route. Great defense on the ensuing conversion kept the game at 13-6 in favor of the glorious Untouchabohs.

The clock continues to run in the first half, only stopping if there is a change of possession with less than one minute remaining in the half. The RHMM score and subsequent conversion occurred with 3:20 remaining in the half, though the ‘Bohs didn’t snap the ball until 2:42 was remaining. Frenetic, like a whirling dervish on caffeine, Hughes attempted to lead his team down the field for an important score but hurried a tad too much, leaving the team facing a 4th-and-2 completions to obtain the first down and keep the drive alive. On the four-count, Hughes lofted a high pass over the middle, snatched out of the air like a Bald Eagle snatches a herring from the water, completion good, first down and 2, 1:30 remaining. After a pair of quick completions and a timely timeout, the ‘Bohs put a dagger into the gut of the RHMM and extended their lead to 19-6.

Halftime is a glorious time in BSSC, especially when you have a lead. Despite the RHMM taking the ball to start the half, and the ‘Bohs being a little winded by a lack of substitutions, the stout defense was able to slow the forward progress of the offense, but ultimately yielded a score to lessen the gap to 19-14. The pressure was now on the ODB offense to milk the clock and score to maintain their hard-fought advantage.

A quick completion to the left side opened up the Untouchabohs for their patented® second-and-two-completion-to-a-girl. In this case, it was a pass intended for the female ‘Manimal’ Asghari in the right flat. Unfortunately, Hughes’ improper footwork placed the football by the foot of the receiver… drawing audible ire by the male Asghari attempting to placate the official mascot of the Untouchabohs, Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari. Immediately after Hughes told the intense Untouchabohs’ safety to ‘quit it,’ Hughes took the snap and started reading his progressions. Needing a short completion, Hughes defied his very training and started yelling to Kendall Crawford to go deeper… no DEEPER! Lofting a high spiral into the crisp end-of-summer air, so beautiful that Himalayan Monks wept tears of joy, the pass found its way into the waiting arms of the speedy receiver for a touchdown. No conversion, but the ‘Bohs were now leading 25-14. Now things would turn for the weird.

With the defense gasping for air, RHMM was driving. With fade routes and outs down the field, left and right, the Untouchabohs appeared vulnerable for the first time in recorded history. A little bit of luck was about to turn the tides back toward the vainglorious protagonist ‘Bohs. Hughes, needing to play defense for the first time in two years, allowed his defender to get behind him in the end zone, knowing that he couldn’t be burned deep. Lucky enough for the defender, he saw the receiver, who had already caught three passes on the drive, motion to the QB to have the ball thrown to the outside. The RHMM QB obliged by tossing the ball to the rear corner of the endzone, but Hughes had already broken his coverage and intercepted the RHMM Hot Dog. Second turnover of the game, advantage ‘Bohs, essentially 11-0.

The massacre was on. Taking the ball with 5:30 left in the game, the ODB offense was in full display. Running the clock down to 5 seconds, making short and/or very high completion passes, and avoiding drops, the entire team focused on the task at hand the way the Hubble Telescope focuses on rays of light that have yet to strike those who are present on Earth. Keeping the clock moving, the ‘Bohs ran the clock down to the two minute warning with their fifth touchdown of the day. Failing to convert the one-point PAT meant that the clock wouldn’t run continuously and that the Untouchabohs defense would need to continue to play out the game. A sense of foreboding overtook the RHMM, though, on the game’s final drive.

Taking the ball from their 10 yard line, and attempting to toss the very same out and flag routes they have been running all day, what little Mojo the Red-Hot Monkey Mojo team had, was about to be diffused by a ball-hawking safety in Asghari. On what proved to be the final play of the game, with 1:50 remaining, Darian Asghari picked-off the high lofted Hot Dog by the Mojo QB to seal the trilling, and slightly unexpected, 31-14 victory.

Next up, the Untouchabohs take on the lamely-named Baltimore Bohs and O’s (Team #37, White, 1-0) at 1:00 on Patterson High School Field #4 (the lower, middle fields, inside of the fence). With attendance an issue again, the ‘Bohs hope to put their best feet forward in search of another TGL victory.

Potpourri:


• The final turnover margin was 3-0 in favor of the Untouchabohs;
• Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert blessed Hughes to allow victory during the coin toss;
• Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne got dirty for the first time this season on a ball that floated softly to the ground between two ‘Bohs defenders;
• No longer clad in orange, the former Orange Crush Defense (OCD) still made its presence felt;
• The defense only allowed scores on two of five drives (40% score against) and one of two (50%) conversions;
• Hughes should never play defense.