Touchdown Catches Cathartic as 'Bohs Win In Cataclysmic Pasting

Dropped Passes Turned to Touchdowns through Alchemic Conversion

Disassociated Press (27 March 2011) – Not one person mentioned the dropped passes from a week prior. It would have been as if one muttered something so unspeakable that a lightning bolt would immediately strike if that word had passed through someone’s lips. Everyone knew what had happened the week before, and it fueled an engine that burned hot with the hatred of ‘what could have been.’ It was only fitting that this weeks opponent wore black – the color of mourning – as they were about to mourn their very birth. The Untouchabohs (Team #147, Red, 1-0-1) resoundingly spanked The Kings and Queens (Team #153, Black, 1-1-0) so thoroughly that misbehaving children around the world paid homage by spending one hour behaving.

A brisk day brought high winds that would require mettle, awareness, and strong throws from the eventual victors in a clash of the BSSC’s Less Filling League (LFL) teams that had not one loss between them. The ‘Bohs knew they faced an unbeaten team for the second week in a row and knew that they had mettle, awareness, and a strong-armed quarterback who hates goals but loves touchdowns. The awareness of the wind conditions strongly favored the ‘Bohs, who utilize an appropriately-sized football on offense and, on defense, cover short into the wind and long with the wind. The Kings and Queens (henceforth known as KQs) were throwing what All-BSSC safety Darian ‘Ed Reed Learns From Me’ Asghari labels a ‘Hot-Dog’ (oversized football for the level of competition) in the form of a full-size NFL football. The first half would bear out how the details affect the outcome of a game of such magnitude.

With the ‘Bohs winning the ball and the wind to start the game, the ODB offense moved the ball a touch more aggressively than in games past. Facing a zone so soft that melting butter appeared impenetrable, Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert caught a 20-yard out in front of the midline cone with scant a defender around. Aided by the last minute audible that took Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne deep down the seam, and therefore occupying the safety on the weak side of the field, Gilbert was left free to work his magic. Facing second-and-one from near the mid-line, an errant pass by the QB Hughes brought up third-and-one forced gender. After another horrible pass to start the game, and now facing the DREADED fourth down (which is not allowed in the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs) Hughes took advantage of a strange shift in the defense to a man-ish D, called for the flood left, waited for the defender on the line to leave with the center, and knew that the first down would be in favor of the ‘Bohs. Sprinting to his right, a relative term for the 235-pound QB, Hughes picked up the first down and decent yardage without having to risk a ball hitting the ground. A key grab by Amber ‘I cut so hard your ankles break’ Free on the second forced-gender of the drive set up the ‘Bohs in the heart of the red zone. Only a few plays later, the ‘Bohs converted a game-opening touchdown to take the lead, 6-0.

Defense wins championships, especially in the LFL where teams are expected to score on every possession. Calamity was about to strike the KQs, like a super-heated lahar (volcanically-heated mudflow) attacking Seattle, when their opening drive of the game culminated in a failed fourth-down conversion. Knowing that a two-score lead is almost insurmountable the ODB offense was frothing at the mouth in anticipation of exorcising the drop-demons that haunted their dreams all week. Using the dark magic that Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert routinely uses to coax the opponent to fail the opening coin toss, the ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, used the black magic to convert dropped passes into touchdowns akin to alchemists attempting to turn other alloys into gold. Short drive, touchdown to Layne on ‘the play,’ 12-0 lead. Though the Untouchabohs failed their second conversion of the game, confidence was beginning to build like tectonic stresses between two colliding plates.

The subsequent KQs’ drive had something of a rhythm for the first time all game. This team, unlike last week’s, had a red-haired kid who made an amazing on-his-back-falling-to-the-ground-snag-of-the-ball-over-his-head snare AND a blonde ponytailed terror who looked to be this week’s version of LBH (See 3/20/2011) and were therefore not a one-trick-pony. After a few conversions, a run, and crossing the midline, catastrophe was about to strike – and it was all the KQs’ QB’s fault. It needs be stated that ‘Throwing a hot dog in the rain’ is an immutable law… and it also applies to high winds. A larger ball has increased surface area that is disproportionate to mass, and therefore the wind affects a larger ball greater than a smaller ball, when thrown imperfectly. Additionally, the ‘Bohs put Lexi ‘Lexicon of Defense’ K. on the ‘Ponytail’ on a third-and-goal forced gender. It was stated earlier that mettle, awareness, and a strong-armed QB will determine the victor. Awareness, or a lack of awareness, was about to strike in the form of a bad pass. The KQs’ QB, seeing the Ponytail run to the left side of the end zone, put too much touch on a pass that was into a quartering wind, resulting in a ball that was going to fall short of its intended target. True as physics, the ball was short, and Lexi, fighting for position against the oversized Ponytail, turned at the last second and snared the ball from the air like an eagle snares fish from water. Turnover on the one-inch line, ODB back on the field.

Immediately violating the tenets of the ODB, the ‘Bohs’ QB called for Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert to drive deep for a full-field touchdown despite knowing that completions are necessary to gain room and prevent a possible safety. Despite throwing the best football of his life, Hughes watched the deep spiral fall incomplete and subsequently received an appropriate, if not G-rated, earful from Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren who serves as the Sherriff of the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs. The deep-ball-demon being exorcised, the ‘Bohs ran the ODB to perfection and had a third-and-midline with about 10 yards to gain. After completing the pass, the QB Hughes saw Keith ‘I told you NOT to call me Klevin’ Levin 20 yards past the deepest KQs player. Despite the goal of working the clock, passing up an opportunity for an easy TD is too much to ignore, and a deep play was dialed-up. Two run-fakes by Hughes drew all of the defenders toward the line – effectively play-action passing without anyone else in the backfield – and Levin was again so open that it appeared he left the line of scrimmage donning a cloak-of-invisibility. Thirty yards later, a touch pass, rare in ‘Bohs lore prior to this season, found its way into the waiting arms of the now-visible receiver who sprinted the final yardage into the endzone. Touchdown, 18-0, Untouchabohs. An absolutely beautiful dive by Kendall ‘I told you that’s MY ball’ Crawford completed the first 2-point-conversion of the day to extend the lead to 20-0.

This timeout from your reading is brought to you by the perfect example of the ODB offense and why it is run as it is run. Since the ‘Bohs scored quickly, there was about four minutes to go in the first half. If the ODB had been run to maximize time running off of the clock, the ‘Bohs would have scored with approximately one-minute remaining… and there would have been little chance of the KQs scoring. Additionally, the KQs will start the second half with the ball. So, despite gaining a 20-0 lead, giving the opponent a plethora of time to score at the end of the half is a big no-no because the 20-0 lead could be cut to 20-8, then, if they scored to start the second half, the lead could be cut further to 20-16. If the ODB is run perfectly, then the opponent has virtually no time to score at the end of the half, and running the offense prevents the other team from scoring, and is THEREFORE a form of defense! Hence, the ODB offense! That said, the ‘Bohs were now going to need to play stout defense to prevent a momentum-shifting score, though they would be aided by the wind yet again.

Driving down the field and making it happen quickly, the strong-armed QB of the black-clad opponent was finding crossing routes open – mainly due to the hand-checking, picks, and naughty play of the other receivers who were generally covered like asphalt covers roads. They appeared to know that they were overmatched, but more on that to follow. Driving down the field, and using both of their timeouts efficiently, the KQs found themselves with a second-and-goal from about 20 yards out. Again, awareness was not on the side of the opponent as they again failed to recognize the effect of the wind on a pass to the left corner of the end zone. Despite a ‘Bohs’ defender slipping, and therefore allowing a KQ receiver to become open on the left side of the end zone, a timely blitz by Levin forced the QB to rush his throw. Again, failing to learn from his mistakes, the ball dipped as it was thrown into a quartering wind, and was too low to be seized despite the diving effort by the KQs receiver.

Since the clock does not stop during the first half for ANY reason (incompletes, out-of-bounds), the clock expired and the 20-0 lead in favor of the Untouchabohs remained intact.

Halftime is a wonderful time for introspection, delight, rehydration, and getting yelled at by the official. For reasons only known by Mike, the semi-pro baseball-playing BSSC referee, Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert was called out. Nobody knows the exact reason, and it will never be muttered or expounded upon, but sources state it had something to do with the dirty play of the team who knew that they were hanging on by a thread. If only they knew. The ‘Bohs know how to close.

The Kings and Queens opened the second half with an impressive drive in a game where you should score every possession. Taking the ball down and scoring for the first time all day, the score was now 20-6 with the conversion attempt. With the defense swarming like bees swarming that insidious Honey Badger of Youtube lore, the pass fell incomplete and the ‘Bohs defense prevented their fourth-consecutive conversion attempt of the season.

Feeling confidence originating from their first score of the game, the call was made on the sideline that, since they felt they can simply match-up man-to-man with the Untouchabohs, that they would get the ball back and make a game of it. Sorry Colonel Sanders, you’re wrong, Mama’s right, and that logic proves that there’s something wrong with your medulla oblongata. The Kings and Queens’ castle was about to be besieged by a torrent of prideful yet humble, athletic, highly intelligent, frustrated, and ever-confident Untouchabohs. The castle walls were about to crumble…

The remainder of the game was a whirlwind of big plays and execution. The ball never touched the ground during the ensuing drive by the ‘Bohs, which culminated in a touchdown and extended the lead to 26-6. Of note, the opponent watched the QB Hughes say something to Michael ‘Hey New Guy, Off the Field!’ Ventura… and the KQs followed this age-old BSSC ploy like a rabbit after a carrot. As Ventura, a welcome and last-minute addition to the team entered the end zone, more than HALF of the defenders followed him to the right side of the end zone. Sad for them, since Will ‘Ed Reed the Engineer’ Gray found a cavernous hole in the center of the field for the rifle completion to seal the conversion. 28-6, Untouchabohs.

The ensuing KQs possession started fine, but ended, well, terribly. The ‘Bohs knew that they would be pushing the ball deep, and it was only a matter of time before the QB, again, throwing a hot-dog in the wind, would err again. With a pass intended for an unnamed, overmatched, AND covered receiver, Wes ‘Webb’ Gilbert baited the QB and in a spectacular plant-pivot-leap snatched the ball from the air like a snake snatches eggs from a nest and broke the KQs’ QB’s heart. Turnover, 99% of the field to go again.

With the spirit of the opponent broken, the ‘Bohs scored again and, calling off the dogs, moved to one-point conversion tries from here on out. After scoring on another touchdown to take a 34-6 lead, the failed conversion to Megan ‘My last name is only somewhat phonetic’ Tschoepe – the second terrible pass to her in a row – kept the score an even number which made bookies in Vegas concerned that the ‘Bohs wouldn’t cover the 29-point spread. Fear-not illegal takers of bets!

With their souls broken like fallen angels from the sky in those terrible Axe commercials, the Princesses (demoted from the ranks of Kings and/or Queens) were unable to muster a scoring drive and turned the ball over on downs. Sadness overtook the now-mourning team as humorous quips were non-existent on the sidelines. As the clutches of the Untouchabohs gripped ever-tighter on the throats of the Princesses, like a boa constrictor squeezing the life forces from a hapless victim and future meal, the clock was worked slowly and deliberately by the ODB. Mercy struck in the form of a touchdown to Keith ‘Not Klevin’ Levin on the highly successful hitch route and extended the football equivalent of a massacre to 40-6 and, for the time being anyway, covered the spread in Las Vegas. A REALLY deep one-point conversion on the exact same route to Levin pushed the lead by the ‘Bohs to 41-6. But wait, there’s more!

The safety position had been in a state of flux all game as the incumbent All-BSSC safety, Darian ‘The guy in the red shorts is good’ Asghari, who, ironically, wears some very nicely fitting black shorts with white speed stripes, did not make the game. In general, play was satisfactory, and only one ‘big’ play was yielded to the opponent. It should also be stated that on Wes ‘Webb’ Gilbert’s interception, Levin had the receiver covered deep, so the QB heaving the hot-dog ultimately threw into double coverage. Bad move on his part. This drive, Kendall ‘That’s MY Ball’ Crawford got the opportunity to play free safety and continued his stellar play. The KQs’ QB, his confidence shattered like a glass table in a Steven Segal movie, continued trying to drive for a confidence-boosting score during garbage time only to have his remaining manhood stripped like floor-stripper on linoleum. Taking a few steps back and surveying the field, the black-clad QB threw a wind-aided rocket to a receiver running a crossing route. Closing in on the ball like a red rocket of epic proportions, the latest iteration of ‘Bohs safety-of-the-minute Crawford snatched the ball from the clutches of the evil KQs’ receiver, like an alligator snatches puppies, for the ‘Bohs third pick of the game. Oh Ye Gods! Crawford returned the ball near the opponent’s 20 yard line and the new-look ODB took over. But wait, there’s more!

The final drive of the game culminated with Gilbert taking over for Hughes at QB who, in turn, played receiver and actually logged a rare reception. The drive culminated in a touchdown and conversion (one point of course) to finish the annihilation and culminate the scoring at 48-6. Those who bore witness to this even know that ‘Bohs team with a chip on their shoulder is a team more dangerous and powerful than your wildest imagination. Brimming with the confidence built from the come-from-behind tie in game 1, while also fueled by the hatred for ‘what could have been,’ is a concoction that produces a talented team fueled by passion. No matter the score, no matter the opponent, the Untouchabohs are never out of a game. When they arrive, all others shall take heed…

Next up for the Untouchabohs is their third straight undefeated team in as many weeks as they take on The Bomber Brigade (Team #144, Orange, 2-0) at Patterson Park Field #1 at 4:00. This is a team who played in the advanced BSSC Tastes Great League (TGL) last season and had five wins, so a test may be just a few short days away for your vainglorious ‘Bohs.

Potpourri:

• The defense has yet to record a sack this season after six by the male Asghari last fall;
• The previous season sack record for the ‘Bohs was two;
• Conversions for the ‘Bohs are moving at a 70% clip this season versus 0% for opponents;
• In their last 5 games the ‘Bohs are averaging 75% conversions versus 20% in the 13 games prior;
• ‘Bohs’ QBs have tossed 10 touchdowns and 1 lone interception versus 4:3 for opponents; and
• The Untouchabohs’ 2011 Spring Defense desperately needs a nickname… perhaps ‘Bleed’ will suffice (for those that remember Lambert’s mid-game cheer…).

Miracle Tie a Virtual Win for Battle-Tested 'Bohs

Time Expiring Touchdown Leads to Tie

Aqua Iggy News (20 March 2011) – New grass was scant as the vainglorious Untouchabohs (Team #147, Red, 0-0-1) rallied with a magical, strategic, and clutch comeback to tie the ugly-clad Hook and Lager (Team #180, Chestnut, 0-0-1) at 24 this past Sunday at Patterson Park Field #1.

Delayed by an entire week due to the monsoonal rains that turned the field into a quagmire’s quagmire on the fields so perfectly manicured by Mike Cray, Supreme Overlord of the BSSC, each team was chomping at the bit to get the season started. The previous night’s super-moon obviously threw Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert’s mojo for a loop as the ‘Bohs failed to get the ball to start or the desired direction of play. Such cosmic turnings can affect the Warlock’s magical powers as gameday also marked the Vernal Equinox. The ‘Bohs, a veteran team restocked with a touch of youth for this season’s playoff run, care not of the conditions as the focus turned to dominating a team that looked like a naughty stain on the bottom of one’s shoe.

Hook and Lager, clever but not impressive by name, started with the ball heading south-to-north on Field 1. The game’s first plays yielded a clue as to the future of this game as the mud-colored miscreants failed to complete a pass on their first two plays. Facing third-and-two, forced gender, their entire offense took shape as they completed a pass to the one good player on the team – a speedy little brunette female who seemed unable to be covered. Facing a 4th-down, the light-footed and well coiffed quarterback of Hook and Lager failed to complete a pass against the suffocating defense of the ‘Bohs, which closed down on the receivers like a vice on a balloon. Turnover, ‘Bohs’ ball… time to rock and roll.

If any rust was going to be present during the game, it was not evident on the first drive. Milking the clock like a farmer milks a prized cow, the OD,B offense (Offense is Defense, Bitch, premised on giving the man-to-man defense time to rest) worked through several completions to reset the downs and prepare to break the plane of the end zone. With receivers running wide open through a hybrid man-zone, really just a defense that nobody seems to know how to operate, the ‘Bohs’ QB found the open receiver to open the scoring 6-0. The ensuring conversion, running the play that has now worked time-and-again over the last season or so, was complete to Kendall ‘I intimidate you even when I play with my adorable kids’ Crawford to gain an 8-0 advantage.

The importance of this conversion cannot be overstated. The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, routinely averaged conversions approximately 16-20% (1/6 or 1/5) over the past several years until a set play was generated. Last season’s conversion percentage jumped into the middle 60’s as far as percentage, which is closer to 2 conversions every three attempts. And it was only going to get better today.

The ‘Bohs were back on defense and were about to be reminded of the little brunette girl who caught the only brown-clad completion of the game. Facing a third-and-mid, forced gender, the chestnut QB heaved a duck into the air that was barely grabbed by the nameless brunette for a first down deep into ‘Bohs’ territory. The downs were reset, but so did the defense. Covering receivers like body paint cover Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, openings were hard to find. So tight, that a near interception by new Untouchabohs Leah ‘Makers’ Jones proved that the ‘Bohs like to get their hands on the opponents’ balls. Despite the glorious effort by the ‘Bohs defenders, Hook and Lager broke the plane of the end zone to take the score to 8-6 in favor of the ‘Bohs. The defense held fast and prevented to the conversion to maintain the two-point differential.

The power of the super moon started to take hold of the Untouchabohs’ OD,B offense from this point forward in a game that would have more rust than sparkle. Running the offense effectively against the newly-switched man-to-man defense of H&L, the running game opened itself to the ‘Bohs truffle-shuffling QB. With the man defenders following the ‘Bohs receivers into deeper patterns, the field opened up like a child opens a Happy Meal and allowed the ‘Bohs’ QB to scramble for a large number of yards. Using this ploy on the next play, the ‘Bohs’ QB feigned the run to the right which pulled the safety from the deep center of the field and freed Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne to streak from left to right within the end zone. With the wind at his back, the ball sailed on the QB who obviously put too much air beneath the throw, allowing the defender to close and bat away the near-touchdown. Calamity struck on the next play as an errant pass over the middle was batted into the air by several sets of hands and landed in the arms of the ugly and luckily-coordinated H&L defender. Turnover, H&L ball.

Hook and Lager is a one-trick pony in that only one player on the team was able to make plays and keep them in the game. Several times the well-coiffed-QB of H&L threw to receivers other than the LBH (Little Brown Hair) and the success rate was minimal. H&L, though, knowing their offense was limited, rode this one-trick pony all of the way into the end zone on the ensuing drive to gain the scoring advantage of 12-8. The mettle-filled ‘Bohs fought hard again to stop the conversion attempt and give the OD,B offense the ball with 1:43 and running.

No stranger to running the end-of-the-first-half offense, where nothing can stop the clock except for timeouts, the ‘Bohs moved with a remarkably appropriate sense of urgency. The offense completed two passes after a deep incompletion on first down before aptly calling a timeout within striking distance of the end zone. Throwing with the wind, and having deep threats all over the field, the OD,B offense moved from methodical and soul-crushing, like watching a bad movie, to quick-striking like a cobra. Hughes, remembering how the ball sailed on the earlier near-touchdown to Layne, threw the ball hard and low, and away from the defender. Unfortunately, with time ticking, the ball was a little too low and harmlessly fell to the ground after temporarily colliding with the ‘Bohs’ receiver. Halftime, 12-8, H&L.

Halftime brings a period of peace, introspection, and relief…. for some. For your mighty Untouchabohs, though, it brings a period of fierce resolve that builds like the internal pressures that escalate prior to a volcanic eruption. Harnessing this passion can occasionally be difficult but the ‘Bohs know difficult, and treat such situations with disrespectful disdain.

Starting the second half with the ball, all players from the hearty ‘Bohs’ squad were focused on eliminating the drops that plagued the first half. Driving down the field with a calm purpose, milking the clock, and executing the offense to perfection – including second-down shuffles to Danielle ‘MD’ Madison - the ‘Bohs withstood a few more dropped passes and errant throws by the QB to score their second touchdown of the game and take the lead from the mud-colored antagonists, 14-12. A successful conversion pushed the Untouchabohs’ lead to 4, 16-12. 

Defense wins championships, especially in a league where one is expected to score a touchdown, at least, every drive. And the ‘Bohs do a good job of making other’s work for their scores – of any kind. Despite the intensity on defense, the LBH tormented the ‘Bohs all game. Driving down the field and only, truly, moving the ball on forced gender plays, H&L eventually scored to regain the lead, this time by only two points, on another touchdown to their only weapon, 18-16. With the defense standing their ground, unyielding and frenetic like frenzied wasps defending their hive, the ‘Bohs swarmed to prevent the conversion to maintain a two-point differential and return the ball to the offense.

The OD,B can occasionally be a double-edged sword. Milking the clock in a way that resembles waves peacefully lapping that the shores of the Chesapeake Bay allows the defense to rest but removes precious time from the clock in the event of a ‘Bohs’ deficit. The offense must go on, much like a show, and the ‘Bohs move the ball with such confidence in their scoring that urgency was not a top priority. The ‘Bohs continued to methodically move the ball in a way that inspires thoughts of prototectonic plates meandering about the Earth’s mantle and used a perfect amount of clock. Converting first down after first down, the ‘Bohs completed passes to receivers on every side of the field, of every gender, and even mixed in a successful run. Unfortunately, the drops attacked like a snake in the brush and bit several of the Untouchabohs’ receivers. On fourth down and goal, calamity struck again, and a turnover occurred as the OD,B pass hit the ground.

The defense would be called upon to handle the situation yet again.

With the clock hitting the two-minute warning, some divine intervention, and a LOT of hustle was about to change the game. The Untouchabohs’ offensive coordinator and tight end/center, Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren, realized that the best chance for a non-loss would be to allow a score and stop the conversion. Before this could be communicated, the opponent, after two consecutive incompletions, called upon the powers of Evil, and went to LBH yet again. On a short pass to LBH, the ‘Bohs’ defender fell on the grassless land of Mike Cray and the chestnut-clad slut was off down the right sideline like a runaway truck on the shoulder of a mountain road. Darian ‘The guy in the red shorts is good’ Asghari broke from the line wearing sheer determination on his face and hunted the LBH down like a hungry Honey Badger. As he approached the LBH he delicately, like a hummingbird retrieving nectar from a flower, touched LBH with two of the softest hands ever to play sports. Unfortunately for LBH, she attacked the grassless hardpan with the abandon of an uncoordinated zebra dressed as mud and bounced repeatedly on the ground – forcing a clock stoppage for injury. This proved crucial to the ‘Bohs chances of winning as the defense was able to strategize using strategery to determine that allowing the next play to be a scoring play would give the ‘Bohs a chance to win. The ‘Bohs allowed a husky boy to run along the right offensive sideline and score a TD… and now the ‘Bohs’ defense had to muster another stop.

With the clock about to strike midnight, in reality it was the light-blue-clad-bright-green-eyed line judge counting to five, the safety crossed the line and forced an errant pass to some lame receiver who was so embarrassed to be alive, he fell to the ground while the pass was in the air. The lead had been extended on the touchdown to 24-16, but the ‘Bohs could now tie on a TD and 2-pt conversion. With the clock stopped at with approximately 84 seconds remaining, the calm, cool, and collected ‘Silver’ group of the offense moved onto the field after accepting a date with destiny.

Throwing deep on the initial play of the final drive served two-purposes – a near score, and loosening up the defense’s soft underbelly. The next pass was completed underneath to the Secret Agent, whose deft maneuvers leave him uncovered in the center of the field. After stopping the clock with their final timeout, Hughes delivered a touch pass toward the sideline to allow the female Asghari to capture the ball in-stride, gain yards, and stop the clock. As time started to run thin, another pass into the end zone failed to result in a score and brought up second-and-two, but effectively second and goal as time was running out. On second down, a majority of the receivers of the Untouchabohs moved toward the left side of the field allowing Hughes to freeze the eyeballing safety and prevent him from committing. With the defense having shifted to a zone, and with the zone moving toward the majority of ‘Bohs defenders, the right corner of the end zone opened like a clam revealing a pearl of hope. With a zone defender baiting the quarterback in the right flat, Hughes, who had been throwing the ball too hard all day, pumped to the left, froze the defense, and lofted a firm, yet supple, pass toward the yellow cone marking the front of the end zone. Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari tiptoeing along the sideline, caught the ball on a scoring play so beautiful that Himalyan Monks shed tears of joy. One more play was needed before the finish was complete.

Needing a 2-pt conversion to tie, the ‘Bohs continued with their conversion team and ran their play. The play that has worked for over a season. The go-to play. This time, though, with the safety thinking he knew what was going to be run… to KC on the left, Hughes pump-faked to the left and, just as the fake was completed, Keith ‘I give Wes a lot of crap’ Levin shook off an illegal hold to create separation from his defender, and haul in the game-tying completion as time expired. Euphoria overtook the ‘Bohs who snatched an important tie from the jaws of defeat with less than 90 seconds on the clock.

Next up for your Untouchabohs are Dave Lucadamo’s The Kings and Queens (Team #153, Black, 1-0-0) at Patterson High School Field #6 at 4:00 pm. With a fully-staffed team fresh off of an amazing comeback, the ‘Bohs are sure to play inspired BSSC-Coed-Beer-League-Two-Hand-Touch football.

Potpourri:

• The Warlock is 0-1 this season on coin tosses;
• The 'Bohs allowed four touchdowns and scored three, but tied on conversions;
• I can't remember who scored, except for Lauren's TD and Keith's/Kendall's conversions;
• 'Bohs' QBs have thrown three touchdowns and one interception;
• Mike 'Hey new guy, get off of the field' Ventura had a nice diving catch to open his career;
• Passing and catching was difficult with the cold weather settling on the Baltmore area.

Spring Season Starts Sunday During Vernal Equinox

20 March 2011 - 1:21 PM EST... Spring Equinox

Disassociated Press (18 March 2011) - Last season, extensive and painful blizzards put off the start of the season by one week and this year was no different - save for the style of precipitation. A week of torrential rains soaked the freshly-seeded fields so thoroughly that Mike Cray, Grand Overlord of all things BSSC, hired field-minions to prevent Patterson Park practices and delayed 2011 Spring Opening Day until the Vernal Equinox.

Few things could be more fitting that having the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, playing during the equinox. Distributing the ball equally between receivers regardless of down, distance, or gender, the 'Bohs epitomize equality.  Though the opponents find the number of losses unequal to the number of wins when facing the 'Bohs, opponents have learned their place is to be gracious losers.

Aided by the return of the Coach, Tim 'Warlock' Lambert and his uncanny ability to lose coin tosses AND gain both the ball and the direction; Darian 'The guy in red shorts is good' Asghari at safety; Danielle 'Doctor.' Madison; Keith 'Don't Call me Klevin' Levin; and other key players you already know, the 2011 squad is tasked with having the most fun one can have in a coed-two hand touch-beer league-third tier-football club. Several new additions will be forced to quickly learn the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs - only for advanced readers - and how JD's Brisket fares against the fare of other Canton dining establishments.

The primary tenets of the ODB offense will remain in place, though, with conversions no longer being an issue for the team, the offense is now one of the best out of all 234 teams. That said, gender plays will still control the pace and attack of the offense, and second down will remain a focus to eliminate 4th-down-forced-gender.

On defense, we all know, that defense wins championships... and the Untouchabohs play the fiercest man-zone in the world. With the all-BSSC safety backing up a team of intense male/female cover cornerbacks, teams can rarely go deep... but if they do, they are forced to pay the consequences. Forcing turnovers puts the ball back in the hands of the offense, and the complexion of each game turns to favor your vainglorious 'Bohs.

Expectations will cede to reality on the day of the 2011 Vernal Equinox. Despite one's best efforts to cast aside expectations or preconceived notions, they will inevitably affect the perception of a season that will be successful. The goal is to focus on the relationships and magic that will accompany the competition - no matter the result of the games.

Wins and losses will come and go, but the character of this team will resonate throughout history, forevermore...