9 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) – Like the merciless beatings of the proverbial red-headed stepchild, the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 3-2) turned up the heat in a 26-18 victory over Gil Milan’s Prime Time Bastards (Team #45, Purple, 2-3) at Patterson Park Field 1 on Saturday. All that, a bag-o-chips, and whilst wearing bright-yellow pinnies to boot).
Despite being forced to wear tiny pinnies, which would have made even the sveltest male conscious of his rotund corpulence, Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert used his Warlock-like powers to control the opening ‘coin toss’ and favor the mighty Untouchabohs. Lambert has made BSSC history with his ability to trick the other team into giving the Untouchabohs the ball to start the game AND allow the ‘Bohs to obtain their desired direction. Oh ye Gods!
The Untouchabohs moved the ball against the 3-3-2 zone of the PTBs with ease - having fun yet also displaying the seriousness of a tax-audit on steroids. Wielding the ODB (that’s the Offense is Defense, Bitch) offense, predicated on ball control to allow the fierce defense the ability to rest on the sideline, with the might of Atlas, the ‘Bohs moved the ball efficiently down the field. Never having to face a forced-gender possession, another covenant of the ODB offense, the offense found itself knocking on the opponent’s endzone (heads from the gutter, please) with a 4th-and-goal from the one yard line. One incomplete pass later, and the Untouchabohs had their first turnover-on-downs of the season and the momentum had shifted to the dually-purple clad PTBs.
This is an offensive league and teams are expected to score on every drive. This false sense of security is exactly how the defensively-minded Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, like to suffocate their hapless opponent like the tightening grip of a boa constrictor around the neck of its next meal. A few yards and two completions were gained on the first series, but this was just the ‘Bohs lulling their hapless victim into a state of apparent safety before striking. With the Untouchabohs’ women making a key play on third-and-midline, the stage was set for a critical 4th-and-mid. Back to full strength after a barrage of weddings, international travel, illness, and charity decimated the roster, the heave of the PTBs QB fell incomplete and turned the ball back to the ‘Bohs’ ODB Offense. Though they were apparently unaware of the truth – this was the beginning of the end for the PTBs.
The intensity of the Untouchabohs would have rivaled that of the nuclear ball of fusion within the sky while the focus on display instilled a feeling of jealousy by the Hubble Telescope. Passes were thrown that were not allowed to hit the ground. Second-down passes went to Danielle ‘Doctor’ Madison with the ease of a Sunday afternoon hammock swaying in the breeze, and outlet passes drifted to the open Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari in the flats. The ball was spread to all of the receivers, and the QB found open targets with ease. Striking first blood, the ‘Bohs executed the first score of the game and took a 6-0 lead. Facing the conversion demons of the past two years, the QB Hughes missed an opening to Kendall ‘MY Ball’ Crawford before putting the defense onto the field for the second time of the game.
PTBs somehow managed to start a quarterback with hundred-dollar wheels and a rag arm. Despite the incompletions on the opening series dooming the team to the turnover, the PTBs QB managed to create instant offense by running for first downs across the midline. One quick pass to the gloved wonder, a relatively athletic and over-intense self-perceived studmuffin, on the right side culminated in a quick touchdown and a tie game. With the pinnie-clad ‘Bohs defenders defending the end zone like a brother defends his sister’s honor, the pass fell incomplete and the score remained tied. Quick Note: The PTBs spent 15 minutes of pre-game running a combination route to the left side of the end zone with the primary receiver running a fade to the left… The sideline called the route before the snap, and the receiver changed his route, which doomed the pass to be incomplete!
With their third possession of the game, and about 6:50 on the clock, the ‘Bohs had to execute the game plan perfectly to prevent losing the opening coin toss advantage – meaning you cannot go into halftime tied since the other team gets the ball to start the second half. This meant a drive that would milk the clock like an angry farmer milks a cow AND culminated in a score. Turnovers are not allowed. Failure is not an option!!!
Neither OC Warren nor QB Hughes were prepared for the new BSSC defensive zone alignment being executed by the PTBs - a 1-5-2 defense. This required the ODB offense to move cautiously down the field to avoid a turnover. Waiting until the Referee called that there were less than 10 seconds remaining before each snap, the defense anxiously anticipated the random route running of the ‘Bohs’ receivers. Despite the fluxing of defensive alignments, nobody stepped-in to stop the Hughes-Madison Second-Down certainty or pay attention to the rushing attempts of the ‘Bohs’ QB to gain yardage without the possibility of a turnover. After getting a first down on the initial completion series (where a completion yields a first down), several QB rushes gained significant yardage to burn the clock and get the ‘Bohs to third-and-goal about one football from the midline.
Darian Asghari caught a first down pass with less than four minutes remaining and the clock running like a leaky faucet. Humor struck immediately after potential calamity when Hughes stared-down Lauren Asghari on the offensive right side and heaved a high-hard pass toward the sideline. The safety, one of the two twin brothers wearing hats, broke on the ball and almost intercepted the errant QB pass – errant due to the swirling winds on the field that literally blew the ball higher and more outside and prevented the interception. With the female Asghari walking back into the huddle, the ‘Doctor’ mentioned that she should get the football… with Lauren replying ‘I know, I know, I got my hands on it.’ Ironically not understanding that she should have actually retrieved the ball after it went out of bounds. Funny – I don’t care who you are.
It was finally time to score - facing a third-and goal from the 10 yardline and just over two minutes remaining in the half. Still facing a 1-5-2 defense, effective in redzone play, the five count expired and the PTBs sent in a female rusher to attack the yellow pinnie-clad QB of the ‘Bohs. Feigning left and rolling to his right, his throwing side, Hughes stared to his left and tossed the no-look pass to the waiting Lauren A. for the touchdown. 12-6, stay classy San Diego. A failed conversion for the second time of the game prevented an extension of the lead but still gave the Untouchabohs the advantage while also leaving the PTBs with little time on the clock.
Defense wins championships – and keeping teams from scoring with possessions at the end of halves keeps the ‘Bohs ahead of the curve. With the PTBs QB forgetting that their best offense weapon was having their quarterback run around the tide turned in favor of the ‘Bohs’ defense – specifically All-BSSC Safety Darian Asghari. In a league where sacks just DO NOT happen, and most teams do not run a man-on-man defense, the ‘Bohs make it happen.
On the final series of the half, with all aspects of the man-on-man defense shutting down the receivers, the male Asghari bursts over the line at the split second of the 5-count and forced the quarterback to try to run – but only for a one-yard gain. On the same possession, with the defense covering the wide receivers like cake batter on mixing blades, the male Asghari lunged over the line with the intensity of a teenie trying to get Justin Bieber tickets and SACKED the QB for a 5 yard loss.
After burning a timeout, the offense attempted a deep pass to one of their females – who failed to catch anything other than a shuffle-pass all day – with Lauren Havery-Levin physically preventing the pass from completion. End of half – ‘Bohs hold a 12-6 lead.
PTBs started the second-half with the ball when calamity struck for the Untouchabohs. First play fo the second half was a deep pass downfield from one twin brother to the other. With the ball drifting into the sun, Keith ‘Don’t Call me Klevin’ Levin, covering his receiver like white on Jerry Rice, just missed the ball – which was caught and run in for the quick touchdown. The ‘Bohs’ defense held again for a key stop, which allowed the score to remain tied at 12-all.
The most awkward play of the season was about to occur on the ensuing ‘Bohs drive – and there was little doubt that awkwardness is occasionally synonymous with Adrian. After satisfying the completion series completions – first down to a male and second down to the Madison – the Untouchabohs’ QB noticed another shift in the defense – now playing a 3-2-3 zone and opening up the center of the field. Taking the snap, on the run, Hughes rushed deep up the middle of the field before being tacked with about ten yards to go until the midline.
Doing the same thing on the next snap – Hughes, as he is prone to do, stopped immediately before the midline and awaited the imminent tackle by the PTBs’ nearest female – adhereing to the pleas of teammates to avoid tagging the rushing ‘Bohs player. In the three seconds that followed, with awkwardness exponentially growing like bacterial growth on an agar plate, Hughes rotated his body and ‘tapped’ the PTBs player. Upon further review – take a knee next time!
Despite the awkwardness, the Bohs’ moved the ball down the field and found themselves once-again in a short-and-goal situation. Luckily enough for them, Lexi, fresh off of her honeymoon, was back on the field and found herself free on the offensive right side of the end zone. Gentle pass into the corner placed the score back into favor of the ‘Bohs as they took an 18-12 lead. The subsequent conversion to Levin on the left side of the field, a successful conversion FINALLY, extended the lead to 19-12 and gave the ball back to PTBs.
Sometimes, luck plays a factor regardless of skill or planning. The next drive was typical of the things that can go wrong in Second-Tier, Coed, Beer-Drinking, Two-hand Touch, BSSC football. Facing third-and-one situations twice on the drive, PTBs finally figured out that a short shuffle pass was the way to go. On their scoring series drive they finally got a really nice guy with a horrendous haircut the ball while running a circle route from right to left behind the line of scrimmage. So wide open you would have thought that he rolled-around in garbage, the lofted pass found him on the left side of the field, and he waddled-in for the touchdown. With the balance of power, meaning the score, in their hands again, the defense came through and forced another key incompletion and the Untouchabohs maintained a one-point advantage.
With just under seven minutes remaining in the game, the ODB offense was about to operate as efficiently as possible – running the clock down and securing a victory. With a pass-pass here and a run over there, the mastery of the BSSC rules was so beautiful that it caused tears of joy to be wept by innocent bystandiing witnesses. Again taking advantage of running, and thus making an interception an impossibility, the ball moved down the field as the clock tick-tocked itself away. Milking the clock down to the two minute warning was the initial goal of the drive. Goal number two, a score, was about to come to fruition like a rainbow refracting sunlight from condensing water vapor. With the female Asghari open on the right side of the field, crossing the goaline, her signature move perfectly executed, Hughes heaved a gentle, and so very loving, pass over the defense and into the waiting arms of the Untouchabohs’ receiver. Converting the one-point conversion to go up by eight points put the PTBs behind the proverbial 8-ball and put the staggeringly-intense ‘Bohs defenders back on the field in crunch time.
In an anticlimactic finish, the PTBs never made it over the midline as a second sack took place and the female receivers of the opponent failed to figure a way to play with the QB’s balls (snicker snicker). With the ‘Bohs taking a knee to finish the game, the final bell rang, and the score was finalized – 26-18.
Next up for the Untouchabohs is the MARATHON GAME, which is the game that takes place DURING THE MARATHON at Patterson Park Field #6 at 10:00 on Saturday, 16 October 2010 against Reggie Riddick’s Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 4-1). Luckily enough for the ‘Bohs, they are the home team this week and they won’t need to wear the bright yellow pinnies!
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