Strangely Dressed Referee Has Thin Skin
30 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) - The Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2-1) completed their first four-win and undefeated month with a hard-fought tie against Kirsten Basore's Trouser Snakes (Team #6, Maroon, 4-3-1) Saturday on slippery Lou Karpouzie Field #1. The bizarre game featured a plethora of drops and drama blended with grit and guile to ensure that the Untouchabohs reached the 32-team postseason in their initial foray into the BSSC's Tastes Great League (TGL).
It is difficult enough to have an opponent on the field, or a referee with an apparent vendetta, but facing both can cause a team to fold under the pressure. Instead of folding, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, buttressed their mettle with a dose of resolve, and held on for a 30-30 tie to ensure a Fall 2010 playoff berth.
With several key players arriving late, Tim 'Warlock' Lambert sent some mystical powers to the field ahead of the coin toss, a bizarre game of 'odds or evens' played behind the referee's back, allowing Adrian 'Iggy' Hughes to win the ball and direction - as if the opponent even had a choice or a chance.
The initial drive was peppered with crisp throws, timely catches, but a few drops. As the Untouchabohs were about to cross the midline, on 4th-and-mid, the first down pass hit the ground for a quick turnover with about 14 minutes remaining in the first half. Slightly stunned, but still focused, the Untouchabohs' defense took the field.
Defense wins championships, and with the turnover the Untouchabohs could ill afford to give up a touchdown and commensurate two-point conversion. Buckling down on the Trouser Snakes like a beartrap in the woods, the defense yielded a hard-earned touchdown. Despite the touchdown, the omnipresent omnipotence of the offense-stopping 'Bohs' defense was in full display. With the Trouser Snakes fighting for the two-point conversion, the pass to the right side of the end zone was completed to the maroon-clad receiver. Unfortunately for him, the entire ball AND body must cross the goalline in order for the scoring to count - and therefore the turnover only yielded six points for the TS and the ODB offense was going to take the field.
In a league where turnovers are at a premium, the 'Bohs knew that they needed to score twice, but score in such a way as to avoid allowing the Snakes to get back-to-back possessions since they would get the ball to begin the second half. That said, the ODB offense needed to pick up the pace while still striking with lethally-accurate short passes. Moving down the field, and facing a forced-gender and goal, Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari ran a low-post maneuver to create separation and the pass was guided with the touch of an angel into the receiver's hands. The 'Bohs were able to capitalize on the conversion, finally having a conversion play for the first time ever, and took an 8-6 lead.
The defense was going to be called-upon, again, to slow and or stop the Snakes' offense. On their second possession of the game, they dodged a bullet - or so they thought! With the TS's QB dropping back, and the count reaching 5, Darian 'All-BSSC Safety' Asghari was on his way to the QB as the ball was released in the direction of a female receiver. Weaving his way through traffic like a hell-bent soccer mom on Baltimore's Beltway, the ball shocked the defender and bounced through his hands and onto the ground.
The near pick-six served as a warning that the Untouchabohs' defense is stout and relentless. Feeling like a bullet had been dodged, the guard of the Trouser Snakes had been let down, and opportunity presented itself to the 'Bohs for a second time. The TS QB released his next pass with too much touch into a slight, but present wind. As the ball drifted toward the receiver, like a child’s balloon toward the heavens, Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert mercilessly attacked the ball like a puma after prey. Gilbert ripped the ball from the hapless receiver’s hands for the timely turnover and the ‘Bohs were going on a roll.
Starting with excellent field position, Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari ran the same route that she’s run every time in history and scored a crucial touchdown to take a 14-6 lead. Amazingly enough, the Untouchabohs scored their eighth straight conversion (dating back to the pre-forfeit game) to extend the lead to 16-6. The pressure fell on the defense for the third time in the half.
Still bringing the heat, the ‘Bohs were able to turn the Trouser Snakes over for the second time in three possessions on great defense, stifling coverage, and a little black magic. Taking the ball with 43 seconds remaining, and great field possession again, an incomplete pass necessitated the usage of the first team timeout. The second pass, rifled with a hatred of the football, found its way into the hands of the ‘Bohs receiver for the critical touchdown and a 22-6 lead. The conversion streak was broken, but the offense validated the valiant efforts of the voracious defense in taking a 16 point lead – a lead that would prove critical with the bizarre second half about to commence.
The Trouser Snakes moved the ball down the field, barely, on their first drive of the second half. Not able to take advantage of the deep ball that they so desperately wanted – in part due to the safety play of Darian Asghari and in part due to the suffocating coverage of the Untouchabohs’ defenders such as Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray, Keith ‘Don’t call me Klevin’ Levin, and Kendall ‘That’s MY ball’ Crawford. That said, somehow the naughtily-named and maroon clad morons were able to break the plane of the end zone and cut the ‘Bohs’ lead to 22-12.
The next Untouchabohs’ drive mimicked the Trouser Snakes more than the ODB offense – moving in fits and spurts. Methodical in nature and dull in enthusiasm, the drive included two runs by the QB Hughes to move the ball and one nifty move to outsmart the defense into a mistake. With his patented (well, it’s patented now) fake run to the left, the maroon defender believed Hughes had crossed the line and rushed the QB. Unfortunately for him, Hughes had only feigned the line-crossing goodness that a BSSC QB is allowed on his side of the field, and the five-yard penalty for offsides was called – giving the ‘Bohs a much needed first and two on the TS side of the field. The drive ended with another TD to Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari, who ran the same route that she’s run forever – with Danielle ‘I missed the game last week and I'm now engaged’ Madison running the mirrored route to the left – for the touchdown. The conversion – now a staple of the Untouchabohs’ offense – extended the lead to 30-12.
The clouds were forming and a storm was brewing for the Untouchabohs – in the form of the lame duck referee dressed as… well, lameness. After the Snakes scored a touchdown, and failed another conversion, to close the gap to 30-18, the ‘Bohs offense was on the field. With an incomplete pass to the right, and Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne on the ground from the IMPACT of two maroon players HITTING HIM, a flash of yellow tore through the sky in the form of the lame referee’s lame penalty flag. When the call was not in the ‘Bohs’ favor, Layne was unceremoniously ejected for barely uttering a sound – to this day nobody heard Jonny even speak - leaving the Untouchabohs with a 7-on-8 disadvantage for the rest of the game. It was up to the resilient ‘Bohs to defend Jonny’s honor, friendship, and loyalty – and to ensure that they did not suffer a backbreaking loss. Milking the clock on the current drive as best as they could, a failed 4th-and-goal conversion occurred and turned the ball over to the Trouser Snakes.
Moxie, grit, and guile are staples of the ‘Bohs – and it was on full display. Without the pressure of a safety to end a play around five seconds, the ‘Bohs defenders had to cover until the TS QB decided to throw the ball – a daunting task. Despite their best efforts, the Snakes scored and, as is a staple of the ‘Bohs defense, prevented a successful conversion to keep the lead in favor of the Untouchabohs 30-24 over the Trouser Snakes.
Evil demons were watching, and taunting, the Untouchabohs on their second drive of the half. After gaining a first down, barely across the midline, the ODB offense gained two completions, but not a lot of distance. Desperately in need of yardage, and a game clinching touchdown, the ‘Bohs receivers moved through the tight zone of the maroon morons. Coming free from a deep route, a ‘Bohs receiver opened up in the nick of time as pressure was crossing the line in the form of a Redskin Hat wearing toolbox with speed. Barely able to release the ball in time, the pass attempt hit the ground, forcing a 20-yard fourth and goal. With a play drawn in the sand, receivers crossing from left to right along the goaline, the coup de gras was still possible. Taking the snap, and drifting behind the midline to allow more time for the receiver to work deep, the crossing routes of the two primary receivers freed three ‘Bohs receivers along the goaline. With the count reaching ‘Five,’ Hughes fired a laser to the near–left quadrant of the end zone only to have the ball fall to the ground. It was going to be the defense to secure the game from this point forward.
Time was running out, and a loss to the maroon Trouser Snakes would have added another 5-win team to the playoff mix while a win would ensure a playoff future in the Tastes-Great League (TGL) postseason. The valiant, and tiring, defense was able to hold off the Snakes for long enough but eventually yielded a game-tying touchdown to even the score at 30-30 – with the two-point conversion holding both teams hostage for the final play of the game. The Snakes snapped the ball to the QB and, with time appearing to run on forever, the targeted receiver slipped to the ground at the same time that the ‘Bohs’ defender slipped to the ground. With time still running, and the ‘Bohs unable to apply pressure with the safety blitz, the maroon receiver broke loose of his coverage in the right-rear of the end zone. The same demons that stuck the ‘Bohs with the untimely ejection were about to strike the Snakes. The quarterback, not under any pressure whatsoever, and only trying for the one-point PAT, tossed the ball to the receiver – but the ball bounced through his hands and to the ground. Tie-game, Untouchabohs are IN the playoffs, and free football for all of those who count in the eyes of the TGL Warlock-Led ‘Bohs.
Next up for the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2-1, Playoff Seed #22) are Buck Young’s You do you. Ima do me. (Team #75, Red, 6-2, Playoff Seed #11) at 11:00 on Patterson Park Field #6, Saturday, 6 November 2010. This is free football for everyone who shows up, and we need you to be there! Go ‘Bohs!
Potpourri:
• The ‘Bohs have won the coin toss three times this season, and started with the ball, but not the desired direction;
• The ‘Bohs have lost the coin toss five times this season, and four times started with the ball AND desired direction;
• Darian Asghari set a team records for QB sacks this season with six – breaking the previous record of two!
• The ‘Bohs have outscored opponents 262 to 186 this season, an average margin of 9.5 points per game;
• The ‘Bohs have converted 78% of conversions over the last three games, while averaging 20% for the previous 13;
• Meanwhile, they only allow conversions at a 20% clip (one out of every five, on average);
• Opponents turn the ball over approximately 37% of their drives versus the ODB average of 20%;
• ‘Boh’s QBs have thrown 39 touchdowns this season as compared to one interception;
• Upon hearing about the engagement of Aaron 'The Franchise' Warren and Danielle 'Not James' Madison, Adrian Hughes picked-up, and spun, 'Not James' around several times with glee! and
• We all, by fighting together, through weddings, travel and engagements, managed to earn free football!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Warlock Controls Universe - Secures Win During Loss
"I don't know how I keep doing it?!" Warlock replies...
23 October 2010 (Disassociated Press) - The Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2) were clobbered today by the approximate score of a LOT to LESS on Patterson High School Field #4 today by Fantasy Football (Team #19, Red, 6-1).
How does Tim 'Warlock' Lambert control games such as this - even the dark lord Satan replied 'No Comment.' during an interview with the unofficial blogger of the BSSC's TGL. Lambert, sitting at work in Hunt Valley, sent his wishes and skills with Adrian 'Iggy' Hughes to handle the coin toss prior to the clash of teams - the unbeaten Team #19, and the two-loss Team #31 Untouchabohs. Dark magic was about to happen.
Jason Gill, captain of FF, won the coin toss and - for reasons only known to the Warlock - elected to take the ball. Such witchcraft allowed the Untouchabohs, the losers of the coin toss, to gain BOTH the ball AND the desired direction. But the darkest of the black magic was yet to come...
With time ticking toward the start of the game, and the 'Bohs only having a TOTAL of five gentlemen and three ladies, the opponent only had one female present. With repeated cries of 'she's on her way' originating from the red-clad group, the Warlock Lambert expired the referee's clock and a forfeit - this season, finally, in favor of the 'Bohs - was called, giving the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, a much-needed victory!
In a fun-game that was basically a massacre of the 'Bohs' defense in action, the little blond girl ran circles around everybody on the field and essentially defined the entire offense of the Fantasy Football squad, who spent most of the day fantasizing about having a full complement of females play in that week's game!
One educational moment was gleamed from the day, though, as the Untouchabohs threw deep several times - with each of the passes falling incomplete and one of them turning from a touchdown into an interception. 'Bohs' QBs, well QB in the singular, threw two interceptions and had a third batted down by a perplexed defender.
Magically, the Untouchabohs were smoked today and somehow lost the coin toss, earned the ball, obtained the desired offensive direction, and secured a win during a loss. All of which seems tainted by the wonderful control of Coach Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert.
Special Thanks to those that made it to the game. Without you we would not be having the season that we're having - and the opportunity to earn free football (playoffs). Welcome to the team you not-so-newbies and we hope you'll keep playing with us for a few seasons to come!
Next up for the Untouchabohs is Kristen Basore's Trouser Snakes (Team #6, Maroon, 4-3) at LK Field #1. This team is seeking the elusive 5th win to give them the opportunity to make it to the playoffs, while the 'Bohs are in a Win-and-In scenario!
23 October 2010 (Disassociated Press) - The Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2) were clobbered today by the approximate score of a LOT to LESS on Patterson High School Field #4 today by Fantasy Football (Team #19, Red, 6-1).
How does Tim 'Warlock' Lambert control games such as this - even the dark lord Satan replied 'No Comment.' during an interview with the unofficial blogger of the BSSC's TGL. Lambert, sitting at work in Hunt Valley, sent his wishes and skills with Adrian 'Iggy' Hughes to handle the coin toss prior to the clash of teams - the unbeaten Team #19, and the two-loss Team #31 Untouchabohs. Dark magic was about to happen.
Jason Gill, captain of FF, won the coin toss and - for reasons only known to the Warlock - elected to take the ball. Such witchcraft allowed the Untouchabohs, the losers of the coin toss, to gain BOTH the ball AND the desired direction. But the darkest of the black magic was yet to come...
With time ticking toward the start of the game, and the 'Bohs only having a TOTAL of five gentlemen and three ladies, the opponent only had one female present. With repeated cries of 'she's on her way' originating from the red-clad group, the Warlock Lambert expired the referee's clock and a forfeit - this season, finally, in favor of the 'Bohs - was called, giving the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, a much-needed victory!
In a fun-game that was basically a massacre of the 'Bohs' defense in action, the little blond girl ran circles around everybody on the field and essentially defined the entire offense of the Fantasy Football squad, who spent most of the day fantasizing about having a full complement of females play in that week's game!
One educational moment was gleamed from the day, though, as the Untouchabohs threw deep several times - with each of the passes falling incomplete and one of them turning from a touchdown into an interception. 'Bohs' QBs, well QB in the singular, threw two interceptions and had a third batted down by a perplexed defender.
Magically, the Untouchabohs were smoked today and somehow lost the coin toss, earned the ball, obtained the desired offensive direction, and secured a win during a loss. All of which seems tainted by the wonderful control of Coach Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert.
Special Thanks to those that made it to the game. Without you we would not be having the season that we're having - and the opportunity to earn free football (playoffs). Welcome to the team you not-so-newbies and we hope you'll keep playing with us for a few seasons to come!
Next up for the Untouchabohs is Kristen Basore's Trouser Snakes (Team #6, Maroon, 4-3) at LK Field #1. This team is seeking the elusive 5th win to give them the opportunity to make it to the playoffs, while the 'Bohs are in a Win-and-In scenario!
Clash of Purple Bodes Well For 'Bohs
Board-Tested Defender Turns Tsunami-Like Tide of Game
16 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) - After feasting on world-class quiche, meeting and greeting the Untouchababy, and arriving to the field on time for the first time all season, the Untouchabohs (Team 31, Purple, 4-2) started slowly before mercilessly turning the Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 1-5) into a Barney-colored pudding during the Baltimore Marathon at Patterson Park Field #6.
The Untouchabohs had to face the demons remaining on a field with one of the worst losses in team history, to a lime-colored bunch of freaks in Week 3. Facing a purple team for the second time in as many weeks, but NOT needing to wear the horrible pinnies, the 'Bohs needed the warlock to get the game started quickly to keep the Purple-on-Purple momentum from the previous week's win. Facing a strong, quartering, wind blowing to the southwest would benefit the cerebral 'Bohs.
Managing the mystical powers of the 'coin toss,' (actually a game of odds-or-evens with the referee holding one hand behind his back), Tim "Warlock" Lambert secured both the ball AND the preferred direction again - proving that dark magic is nothing to joke about. Unfortunately, the opening drive stalled with an incomplete pass on 4th-and-goal, putting the 'Bohs' defenders on the field for the first time all game.
Defense wins championships, and with the balance of the game in the powerful hands of the person-on-person Untouchabohs' defense, and the Plastered Platypuses had no idea that they had Hell to pay! Facing a forced-gender and-goal situation, Danielle "I took my boards yesterday, darnit" Madison unleashed hell on the unsuspecting PP receiver, ripping the ball from deep within her soul, and taking the ball well beyond the midline. The chorus of cheers serenaded both the amazing defensive play of Madison and the passers-by running the Linwood Leg of the Baltimore Marathon.
The ODB offense capitalizes on such typically unprecedented female defensive dominance. This season the killer instinct of the post-turnover ODB offense turns opponents into post-dominatrix berated submissives, and the PP were just the next in line. The 'Bohs drove down the field with the focus of an angry mongoose killing a rattlesnake and gutted the Platypus defense with a score to Wes Gilbert and the newly rejuvenated conversion play to take the 8-0 lead.
With the first massive showing of the season, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, had plenty of depth to counter the pinnie-clad Platypuses. Despite giving up the touchdown on the ensuing drive, tight defense prevented the PP conversion attempt to maintain the ever-important two-point lead and keep the score at 8-6.
In true Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert fashion, the ODB milked the clock like a prized cow - sort of. Driving down the field, and appropriately mixing high-percentage passes with timely running plays, the Untouchabohs faced their first forced-gender on the PP side of the field. Making a quick move from right-to-left, Danielle 'Fury' Madison took the Hughes pass - which was thrown to a spot to allow the receiver to make a play - all the way to the western end zone to extend the lead to 14-6. With the second successful conversion of the day the protagonist's lead grew to 16-6.
Unable to comprehend the sophisticated nuances of Mike Cray's insidious football-like game, the PPs faced a 4th-and-mid with time evaporating at the end of the first half. The deep heave-ho down the middle of the field fell incomplete - and a charity 30 second runoff by the referee - ended the half.
The referee is an interesting bird. The same referee that witnessed the 39-6 drubbing of the black team in Week 4 - and who stole an interception from the hands of Darian 'Subversion' Asghari on a reversal of his OWN rule - was witnessing an absolute massacre-in-progress of an overmatched pinnie team. Despite such shortcomings, he seems to be a jovial gentleman, and does a generally unremarkable job of refereeing Taste-Great-League (TGL) games.
The massacre-in-motion had yet to take shape due to the pair of turnovers in the first half leaving the PPs with a chance to bring the game within two points. After a halftime discussion about how the ball would hold-up in the wind to the offensive right side of the field, the strategy immediately came to fruition. Too bad for them that the PP's ineptitude started with a ball dropped by the 'Bohs' safety (hung in the wind) on the first play and culminated with a turnover after trapping themselves in a 4th-and-two (that becomes a 4th-and-mid) situation. Batting the pass down, the turnover was complete, and the killer instinct of the 'Bohs was going to be on full display.
Driving toward the eastern end zone of Patterson Park Field #6, and preparing to put their foot on the opponent's throat, completions were aplenty. Sensing the final blow - reminiscent of the 'Finish Him' chants of Mortal Kombat lore - Kendall 'My Ball' Crawford quietly hauled in a laser of a pass for the touchdown. The THIRD conversion in a row extended the lead to 24-6 and there was blood in the water for the circling Untouchabohs' defensive sharks.
People are sometimes privy to seeing amazing things, and the 'Bohs have a shut down corner in Will 'The Engineer' Gray. This drive was one of hope for the PPs, but it was about to end in disaster - due to the QB failing to note the direction of the wind and the routes that his receiver decided to run - and the amazing athleticism of the Engineer... The QB had a receiver running from left to right with the Engineer trailing behind. Late on the read, the QB passed the ball to the receiver - into a quartering wind that deflected the ball behind BOTH the receiver AND the Engineer. Gray, while running at full speed and the ball tailing behind him, arched his back in a display of athleticism that caused ballerinas to weep tears of appreciation, and tipped the ball with his outstretched right hand. His feet, almost separate from his body, finally got themselves in position, and moved his body toward the floating ball. Centered now, like mass likes to be on orbiting bodies, Gray caught the ball with two hands for the magnificent interception, and another dagger into the heart of the Purple Platypuses.
The ensuing 'Boh's drive brought a newbie, excuse me, a newBoh, into the scoring mix with the culmination of the drive resulting in a touchdown to Ken 'Post Up' Grote in the left corner of the end zone. This was a game of new scores, as Ken, Aaron, and Adrian all caught touchdowns for the first time this season. Great team effort!
With the game in hand, Wes 'Not Kenny' G. took over the reigns of the QB position and led the team on two scoring drives that sandwiched a Darian Asghari pick and the ejection of the fuzzy-haired and overmatched QB of the PPs. The first touchdown drive had the Warlock catching a deep ball for the first time all season and ended with a Gilbert-Asghari TD pass in the center of the end zone. The gender-conversion had the female Asghari pass to Hughes on the left side that Hughes, known throughout the league as having a massive ribcage, tipped the ball to himself while ricocheting the defender off of the ribcage, for the two-point play. The second drive, following the ejection and against a 7-man defense - had the QB pass the ball to an uncovered former-QB in the right side of the end zone. A successful one-point conversion ended the game with the final score of 47-6.
Next up for the Untouchabohs is Fantasy Football (Team 19, Red, 6-0) at Patterson High School Field #4 on Saturday 23 October 2010. With almost the entire team unable to make this game, the remaining 'Bohs will do their best to keep the winning streak, and playoff hopes, alive for another season.
16 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) - After feasting on world-class quiche, meeting and greeting the Untouchababy, and arriving to the field on time for the first time all season, the Untouchabohs (Team 31, Purple, 4-2) started slowly before mercilessly turning the Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 1-5) into a Barney-colored pudding during the Baltimore Marathon at Patterson Park Field #6.
The Untouchabohs had to face the demons remaining on a field with one of the worst losses in team history, to a lime-colored bunch of freaks in Week 3. Facing a purple team for the second time in as many weeks, but NOT needing to wear the horrible pinnies, the 'Bohs needed the warlock to get the game started quickly to keep the Purple-on-Purple momentum from the previous week's win. Facing a strong, quartering, wind blowing to the southwest would benefit the cerebral 'Bohs.
Managing the mystical powers of the 'coin toss,' (actually a game of odds-or-evens with the referee holding one hand behind his back), Tim "Warlock" Lambert secured both the ball AND the preferred direction again - proving that dark magic is nothing to joke about. Unfortunately, the opening drive stalled with an incomplete pass on 4th-and-goal, putting the 'Bohs' defenders on the field for the first time all game.
Defense wins championships, and with the balance of the game in the powerful hands of the person-on-person Untouchabohs' defense, and the Plastered Platypuses had no idea that they had Hell to pay! Facing a forced-gender and-goal situation, Danielle "I took my boards yesterday, darnit" Madison unleashed hell on the unsuspecting PP receiver, ripping the ball from deep within her soul, and taking the ball well beyond the midline. The chorus of cheers serenaded both the amazing defensive play of Madison and the passers-by running the Linwood Leg of the Baltimore Marathon.
The ODB offense capitalizes on such typically unprecedented female defensive dominance. This season the killer instinct of the post-turnover ODB offense turns opponents into post-dominatrix berated submissives, and the PP were just the next in line. The 'Bohs drove down the field with the focus of an angry mongoose killing a rattlesnake and gutted the Platypus defense with a score to Wes Gilbert and the newly rejuvenated conversion play to take the 8-0 lead.
With the first massive showing of the season, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, had plenty of depth to counter the pinnie-clad Platypuses. Despite giving up the touchdown on the ensuing drive, tight defense prevented the PP conversion attempt to maintain the ever-important two-point lead and keep the score at 8-6.
In true Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert fashion, the ODB milked the clock like a prized cow - sort of. Driving down the field, and appropriately mixing high-percentage passes with timely running plays, the Untouchabohs faced their first forced-gender on the PP side of the field. Making a quick move from right-to-left, Danielle 'Fury' Madison took the Hughes pass - which was thrown to a spot to allow the receiver to make a play - all the way to the western end zone to extend the lead to 14-6. With the second successful conversion of the day the protagonist's lead grew to 16-6.
Unable to comprehend the sophisticated nuances of Mike Cray's insidious football-like game, the PPs faced a 4th-and-mid with time evaporating at the end of the first half. The deep heave-ho down the middle of the field fell incomplete - and a charity 30 second runoff by the referee - ended the half.
The referee is an interesting bird. The same referee that witnessed the 39-6 drubbing of the black team in Week 4 - and who stole an interception from the hands of Darian 'Subversion' Asghari on a reversal of his OWN rule - was witnessing an absolute massacre-in-progress of an overmatched pinnie team. Despite such shortcomings, he seems to be a jovial gentleman, and does a generally unremarkable job of refereeing Taste-Great-League (TGL) games.
The massacre-in-motion had yet to take shape due to the pair of turnovers in the first half leaving the PPs with a chance to bring the game within two points. After a halftime discussion about how the ball would hold-up in the wind to the offensive right side of the field, the strategy immediately came to fruition. Too bad for them that the PP's ineptitude started with a ball dropped by the 'Bohs' safety (hung in the wind) on the first play and culminated with a turnover after trapping themselves in a 4th-and-two (that becomes a 4th-and-mid) situation. Batting the pass down, the turnover was complete, and the killer instinct of the 'Bohs was going to be on full display.
Driving toward the eastern end zone of Patterson Park Field #6, and preparing to put their foot on the opponent's throat, completions were aplenty. Sensing the final blow - reminiscent of the 'Finish Him' chants of Mortal Kombat lore - Kendall 'My Ball' Crawford quietly hauled in a laser of a pass for the touchdown. The THIRD conversion in a row extended the lead to 24-6 and there was blood in the water for the circling Untouchabohs' defensive sharks.
People are sometimes privy to seeing amazing things, and the 'Bohs have a shut down corner in Will 'The Engineer' Gray. This drive was one of hope for the PPs, but it was about to end in disaster - due to the QB failing to note the direction of the wind and the routes that his receiver decided to run - and the amazing athleticism of the Engineer... The QB had a receiver running from left to right with the Engineer trailing behind. Late on the read, the QB passed the ball to the receiver - into a quartering wind that deflected the ball behind BOTH the receiver AND the Engineer. Gray, while running at full speed and the ball tailing behind him, arched his back in a display of athleticism that caused ballerinas to weep tears of appreciation, and tipped the ball with his outstretched right hand. His feet, almost separate from his body, finally got themselves in position, and moved his body toward the floating ball. Centered now, like mass likes to be on orbiting bodies, Gray caught the ball with two hands for the magnificent interception, and another dagger into the heart of the Purple Platypuses.
The ensuing 'Boh's drive brought a newbie, excuse me, a newBoh, into the scoring mix with the culmination of the drive resulting in a touchdown to Ken 'Post Up' Grote in the left corner of the end zone. This was a game of new scores, as Ken, Aaron, and Adrian all caught touchdowns for the first time this season. Great team effort!
With the game in hand, Wes 'Not Kenny' G. took over the reigns of the QB position and led the team on two scoring drives that sandwiched a Darian Asghari pick and the ejection of the fuzzy-haired and overmatched QB of the PPs. The first touchdown drive had the Warlock catching a deep ball for the first time all season and ended with a Gilbert-Asghari TD pass in the center of the end zone. The gender-conversion had the female Asghari pass to Hughes on the left side that Hughes, known throughout the league as having a massive ribcage, tipped the ball to himself while ricocheting the defender off of the ribcage, for the two-point play. The second drive, following the ejection and against a 7-man defense - had the QB pass the ball to an uncovered former-QB in the right side of the end zone. A successful one-point conversion ended the game with the final score of 47-6.
Next up for the Untouchabohs is Fantasy Football (Team 19, Red, 6-0) at Patterson High School Field #4 on Saturday 23 October 2010. With almost the entire team unable to make this game, the remaining 'Bohs will do their best to keep the winning streak, and playoff hopes, alive for another season.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Prime Time Stolen by Pinnie-Donning Untouchabohs
Warlock-Led ‘Bohs Bounce Bastards
9 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) – Like the merciless beatings of the proverbial red-headed stepchild, the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 3-2) turned up the heat in a 26-18 victory over Gil Milan’s Prime Time Bastards (Team #45, Purple, 2-3) at Patterson Park Field 1 on Saturday. All that, a bag-o-chips, and whilst wearing bright-yellow pinnies to boot).
Despite being forced to wear tiny pinnies, which would have made even the sveltest male conscious of his rotund corpulence, Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert used his Warlock-like powers to control the opening ‘coin toss’ and favor the mighty Untouchabohs. Lambert has made BSSC history with his ability to trick the other team into giving the Untouchabohs the ball to start the game AND allow the ‘Bohs to obtain their desired direction. Oh ye Gods!
The Untouchabohs moved the ball against the 3-3-2 zone of the PTBs with ease - having fun yet also displaying the seriousness of a tax-audit on steroids. Wielding the ODB (that’s the Offense is Defense, Bitch) offense, predicated on ball control to allow the fierce defense the ability to rest on the sideline, with the might of Atlas, the ‘Bohs moved the ball efficiently down the field. Never having to face a forced-gender possession, another covenant of the ODB offense, the offense found itself knocking on the opponent’s endzone (heads from the gutter, please) with a 4th-and-goal from the one yard line. One incomplete pass later, and the Untouchabohs had their first turnover-on-downs of the season and the momentum had shifted to the dually-purple clad PTBs.
This is an offensive league and teams are expected to score on every drive. This false sense of security is exactly how the defensively-minded Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, like to suffocate their hapless opponent like the tightening grip of a boa constrictor around the neck of its next meal. A few yards and two completions were gained on the first series, but this was just the ‘Bohs lulling their hapless victim into a state of apparent safety before striking. With the Untouchabohs’ women making a key play on third-and-midline, the stage was set for a critical 4th-and-mid. Back to full strength after a barrage of weddings, international travel, illness, and charity decimated the roster, the heave of the PTBs QB fell incomplete and turned the ball back to the ‘Bohs’ ODB Offense. Though they were apparently unaware of the truth – this was the beginning of the end for the PTBs.
The intensity of the Untouchabohs would have rivaled that of the nuclear ball of fusion within the sky while the focus on display instilled a feeling of jealousy by the Hubble Telescope. Passes were thrown that were not allowed to hit the ground. Second-down passes went to Danielle ‘Doctor’ Madison with the ease of a Sunday afternoon hammock swaying in the breeze, and outlet passes drifted to the open Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari in the flats. The ball was spread to all of the receivers, and the QB found open targets with ease. Striking first blood, the ‘Bohs executed the first score of the game and took a 6-0 lead. Facing the conversion demons of the past two years, the QB Hughes missed an opening to Kendall ‘MY Ball’ Crawford before putting the defense onto the field for the second time of the game.
PTBs somehow managed to start a quarterback with hundred-dollar wheels and a rag arm. Despite the incompletions on the opening series dooming the team to the turnover, the PTBs QB managed to create instant offense by running for first downs across the midline. One quick pass to the gloved wonder, a relatively athletic and over-intense self-perceived studmuffin, on the right side culminated in a quick touchdown and a tie game. With the pinnie-clad ‘Bohs defenders defending the end zone like a brother defends his sister’s honor, the pass fell incomplete and the score remained tied. Quick Note: The PTBs spent 15 minutes of pre-game running a combination route to the left side of the end zone with the primary receiver running a fade to the left… The sideline called the route before the snap, and the receiver changed his route, which doomed the pass to be incomplete!
With their third possession of the game, and about 6:50 on the clock, the ‘Bohs had to execute the game plan perfectly to prevent losing the opening coin toss advantage – meaning you cannot go into halftime tied since the other team gets the ball to start the second half. This meant a drive that would milk the clock like an angry farmer milks a cow AND culminated in a score. Turnovers are not allowed. Failure is not an option!!!
Neither OC Warren nor QB Hughes were prepared for the new BSSC defensive zone alignment being executed by the PTBs - a 1-5-2 defense. This required the ODB offense to move cautiously down the field to avoid a turnover. Waiting until the Referee called that there were less than 10 seconds remaining before each snap, the defense anxiously anticipated the random route running of the ‘Bohs’ receivers. Despite the fluxing of defensive alignments, nobody stepped-in to stop the Hughes-Madison Second-Down certainty or pay attention to the rushing attempts of the ‘Bohs’ QB to gain yardage without the possibility of a turnover. After getting a first down on the initial completion series (where a completion yields a first down), several QB rushes gained significant yardage to burn the clock and get the ‘Bohs to third-and-goal about one football from the midline.
Darian Asghari caught a first down pass with less than four minutes remaining and the clock running like a leaky faucet. Humor struck immediately after potential calamity when Hughes stared-down Lauren Asghari on the offensive right side and heaved a high-hard pass toward the sideline. The safety, one of the two twin brothers wearing hats, broke on the ball and almost intercepted the errant QB pass – errant due to the swirling winds on the field that literally blew the ball higher and more outside and prevented the interception. With the female Asghari walking back into the huddle, the ‘Doctor’ mentioned that she should get the football… with Lauren replying ‘I know, I know, I got my hands on it.’ Ironically not understanding that she should have actually retrieved the ball after it went out of bounds. Funny – I don’t care who you are.
It was finally time to score - facing a third-and goal from the 10 yardline and just over two minutes remaining in the half. Still facing a 1-5-2 defense, effective in redzone play, the five count expired and the PTBs sent in a female rusher to attack the yellow pinnie-clad QB of the ‘Bohs. Feigning left and rolling to his right, his throwing side, Hughes stared to his left and tossed the no-look pass to the waiting Lauren A. for the touchdown. 12-6, stay classy San Diego. A failed conversion for the second time of the game prevented an extension of the lead but still gave the Untouchabohs the advantage while also leaving the PTBs with little time on the clock.
Defense wins championships – and keeping teams from scoring with possessions at the end of halves keeps the ‘Bohs ahead of the curve. With the PTBs QB forgetting that their best offense weapon was having their quarterback run around the tide turned in favor of the ‘Bohs’ defense – specifically All-BSSC Safety Darian Asghari. In a league where sacks just DO NOT happen, and most teams do not run a man-on-man defense, the ‘Bohs make it happen.
On the final series of the half, with all aspects of the man-on-man defense shutting down the receivers, the male Asghari bursts over the line at the split second of the 5-count and forced the quarterback to try to run – but only for a one-yard gain. On the same possession, with the defense covering the wide receivers like cake batter on mixing blades, the male Asghari lunged over the line with the intensity of a teenie trying to get Justin Bieber tickets and SACKED the QB for a 5 yard loss.
After burning a timeout, the offense attempted a deep pass to one of their females – who failed to catch anything other than a shuffle-pass all day – with Lauren Havery-Levin physically preventing the pass from completion. End of half – ‘Bohs hold a 12-6 lead.
PTBs started the second-half with the ball when calamity struck for the Untouchabohs. First play fo the second half was a deep pass downfield from one twin brother to the other. With the ball drifting into the sun, Keith ‘Don’t Call me Klevin’ Levin, covering his receiver like white on Jerry Rice, just missed the ball – which was caught and run in for the quick touchdown. The ‘Bohs’ defense held again for a key stop, which allowed the score to remain tied at 12-all.
The most awkward play of the season was about to occur on the ensuing ‘Bohs drive – and there was little doubt that awkwardness is occasionally synonymous with Adrian. After satisfying the completion series completions – first down to a male and second down to the Madison – the Untouchabohs’ QB noticed another shift in the defense – now playing a 3-2-3 zone and opening up the center of the field. Taking the snap, on the run, Hughes rushed deep up the middle of the field before being tacked with about ten yards to go until the midline.
Doing the same thing on the next snap – Hughes, as he is prone to do, stopped immediately before the midline and awaited the imminent tackle by the PTBs’ nearest female – adhereing to the pleas of teammates to avoid tagging the rushing ‘Bohs player. In the three seconds that followed, with awkwardness exponentially growing like bacterial growth on an agar plate, Hughes rotated his body and ‘tapped’ the PTBs player. Upon further review – take a knee next time!
Despite the awkwardness, the Bohs’ moved the ball down the field and found themselves once-again in a short-and-goal situation. Luckily enough for them, Lexi, fresh off of her honeymoon, was back on the field and found herself free on the offensive right side of the end zone. Gentle pass into the corner placed the score back into favor of the ‘Bohs as they took an 18-12 lead. The subsequent conversion to Levin on the left side of the field, a successful conversion FINALLY, extended the lead to 19-12 and gave the ball back to PTBs.
Sometimes, luck plays a factor regardless of skill or planning. The next drive was typical of the things that can go wrong in Second-Tier, Coed, Beer-Drinking, Two-hand Touch, BSSC football. Facing third-and-one situations twice on the drive, PTBs finally figured out that a short shuffle pass was the way to go. On their scoring series drive they finally got a really nice guy with a horrendous haircut the ball while running a circle route from right to left behind the line of scrimmage. So wide open you would have thought that he rolled-around in garbage, the lofted pass found him on the left side of the field, and he waddled-in for the touchdown. With the balance of power, meaning the score, in their hands again, the defense came through and forced another key incompletion and the Untouchabohs maintained a one-point advantage.
With just under seven minutes remaining in the game, the ODB offense was about to operate as efficiently as possible – running the clock down and securing a victory. With a pass-pass here and a run over there, the mastery of the BSSC rules was so beautiful that it caused tears of joy to be wept by innocent bystandiing witnesses. Again taking advantage of running, and thus making an interception an impossibility, the ball moved down the field as the clock tick-tocked itself away. Milking the clock down to the two minute warning was the initial goal of the drive. Goal number two, a score, was about to come to fruition like a rainbow refracting sunlight from condensing water vapor. With the female Asghari open on the right side of the field, crossing the goaline, her signature move perfectly executed, Hughes heaved a gentle, and so very loving, pass over the defense and into the waiting arms of the Untouchabohs’ receiver. Converting the one-point conversion to go up by eight points put the PTBs behind the proverbial 8-ball and put the staggeringly-intense ‘Bohs defenders back on the field in crunch time.
In an anticlimactic finish, the PTBs never made it over the midline as a second sack took place and the female receivers of the opponent failed to figure a way to play with the QB’s balls (snicker snicker). With the ‘Bohs taking a knee to finish the game, the final bell rang, and the score was finalized – 26-18.
Next up for the Untouchabohs is the MARATHON GAME, which is the game that takes place DURING THE MARATHON at Patterson Park Field #6 at 10:00 on Saturday, 16 October 2010 against Reggie Riddick’s Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 4-1). Luckily enough for the ‘Bohs, they are the home team this week and they won’t need to wear the bright yellow pinnies!
Important BSSC Links:
9 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) – Like the merciless beatings of the proverbial red-headed stepchild, the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 3-2) turned up the heat in a 26-18 victory over Gil Milan’s Prime Time Bastards (Team #45, Purple, 2-3) at Patterson Park Field 1 on Saturday. All that, a bag-o-chips, and whilst wearing bright-yellow pinnies to boot).
Despite being forced to wear tiny pinnies, which would have made even the sveltest male conscious of his rotund corpulence, Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert used his Warlock-like powers to control the opening ‘coin toss’ and favor the mighty Untouchabohs. Lambert has made BSSC history with his ability to trick the other team into giving the Untouchabohs the ball to start the game AND allow the ‘Bohs to obtain their desired direction. Oh ye Gods!
The Untouchabohs moved the ball against the 3-3-2 zone of the PTBs with ease - having fun yet also displaying the seriousness of a tax-audit on steroids. Wielding the ODB (that’s the Offense is Defense, Bitch) offense, predicated on ball control to allow the fierce defense the ability to rest on the sideline, with the might of Atlas, the ‘Bohs moved the ball efficiently down the field. Never having to face a forced-gender possession, another covenant of the ODB offense, the offense found itself knocking on the opponent’s endzone (heads from the gutter, please) with a 4th-and-goal from the one yard line. One incomplete pass later, and the Untouchabohs had their first turnover-on-downs of the season and the momentum had shifted to the dually-purple clad PTBs.
This is an offensive league and teams are expected to score on every drive. This false sense of security is exactly how the defensively-minded Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, like to suffocate their hapless opponent like the tightening grip of a boa constrictor around the neck of its next meal. A few yards and two completions were gained on the first series, but this was just the ‘Bohs lulling their hapless victim into a state of apparent safety before striking. With the Untouchabohs’ women making a key play on third-and-midline, the stage was set for a critical 4th-and-mid. Back to full strength after a barrage of weddings, international travel, illness, and charity decimated the roster, the heave of the PTBs QB fell incomplete and turned the ball back to the ‘Bohs’ ODB Offense. Though they were apparently unaware of the truth – this was the beginning of the end for the PTBs.
The intensity of the Untouchabohs would have rivaled that of the nuclear ball of fusion within the sky while the focus on display instilled a feeling of jealousy by the Hubble Telescope. Passes were thrown that were not allowed to hit the ground. Second-down passes went to Danielle ‘Doctor’ Madison with the ease of a Sunday afternoon hammock swaying in the breeze, and outlet passes drifted to the open Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari in the flats. The ball was spread to all of the receivers, and the QB found open targets with ease. Striking first blood, the ‘Bohs executed the first score of the game and took a 6-0 lead. Facing the conversion demons of the past two years, the QB Hughes missed an opening to Kendall ‘MY Ball’ Crawford before putting the defense onto the field for the second time of the game.
PTBs somehow managed to start a quarterback with hundred-dollar wheels and a rag arm. Despite the incompletions on the opening series dooming the team to the turnover, the PTBs QB managed to create instant offense by running for first downs across the midline. One quick pass to the gloved wonder, a relatively athletic and over-intense self-perceived studmuffin, on the right side culminated in a quick touchdown and a tie game. With the pinnie-clad ‘Bohs defenders defending the end zone like a brother defends his sister’s honor, the pass fell incomplete and the score remained tied. Quick Note: The PTBs spent 15 minutes of pre-game running a combination route to the left side of the end zone with the primary receiver running a fade to the left… The sideline called the route before the snap, and the receiver changed his route, which doomed the pass to be incomplete!
With their third possession of the game, and about 6:50 on the clock, the ‘Bohs had to execute the game plan perfectly to prevent losing the opening coin toss advantage – meaning you cannot go into halftime tied since the other team gets the ball to start the second half. This meant a drive that would milk the clock like an angry farmer milks a cow AND culminated in a score. Turnovers are not allowed. Failure is not an option!!!
Neither OC Warren nor QB Hughes were prepared for the new BSSC defensive zone alignment being executed by the PTBs - a 1-5-2 defense. This required the ODB offense to move cautiously down the field to avoid a turnover. Waiting until the Referee called that there were less than 10 seconds remaining before each snap, the defense anxiously anticipated the random route running of the ‘Bohs’ receivers. Despite the fluxing of defensive alignments, nobody stepped-in to stop the Hughes-Madison Second-Down certainty or pay attention to the rushing attempts of the ‘Bohs’ QB to gain yardage without the possibility of a turnover. After getting a first down on the initial completion series (where a completion yields a first down), several QB rushes gained significant yardage to burn the clock and get the ‘Bohs to third-and-goal about one football from the midline.
Darian Asghari caught a first down pass with less than four minutes remaining and the clock running like a leaky faucet. Humor struck immediately after potential calamity when Hughes stared-down Lauren Asghari on the offensive right side and heaved a high-hard pass toward the sideline. The safety, one of the two twin brothers wearing hats, broke on the ball and almost intercepted the errant QB pass – errant due to the swirling winds on the field that literally blew the ball higher and more outside and prevented the interception. With the female Asghari walking back into the huddle, the ‘Doctor’ mentioned that she should get the football… with Lauren replying ‘I know, I know, I got my hands on it.’ Ironically not understanding that she should have actually retrieved the ball after it went out of bounds. Funny – I don’t care who you are.
It was finally time to score - facing a third-and goal from the 10 yardline and just over two minutes remaining in the half. Still facing a 1-5-2 defense, effective in redzone play, the five count expired and the PTBs sent in a female rusher to attack the yellow pinnie-clad QB of the ‘Bohs. Feigning left and rolling to his right, his throwing side, Hughes stared to his left and tossed the no-look pass to the waiting Lauren A. for the touchdown. 12-6, stay classy San Diego. A failed conversion for the second time of the game prevented an extension of the lead but still gave the Untouchabohs the advantage while also leaving the PTBs with little time on the clock.
Defense wins championships – and keeping teams from scoring with possessions at the end of halves keeps the ‘Bohs ahead of the curve. With the PTBs QB forgetting that their best offense weapon was having their quarterback run around the tide turned in favor of the ‘Bohs’ defense – specifically All-BSSC Safety Darian Asghari. In a league where sacks just DO NOT happen, and most teams do not run a man-on-man defense, the ‘Bohs make it happen.
On the final series of the half, with all aspects of the man-on-man defense shutting down the receivers, the male Asghari bursts over the line at the split second of the 5-count and forced the quarterback to try to run – but only for a one-yard gain. On the same possession, with the defense covering the wide receivers like cake batter on mixing blades, the male Asghari lunged over the line with the intensity of a teenie trying to get Justin Bieber tickets and SACKED the QB for a 5 yard loss.
After burning a timeout, the offense attempted a deep pass to one of their females – who failed to catch anything other than a shuffle-pass all day – with Lauren Havery-Levin physically preventing the pass from completion. End of half – ‘Bohs hold a 12-6 lead.
PTBs started the second-half with the ball when calamity struck for the Untouchabohs. First play fo the second half was a deep pass downfield from one twin brother to the other. With the ball drifting into the sun, Keith ‘Don’t Call me Klevin’ Levin, covering his receiver like white on Jerry Rice, just missed the ball – which was caught and run in for the quick touchdown. The ‘Bohs’ defense held again for a key stop, which allowed the score to remain tied at 12-all.
The most awkward play of the season was about to occur on the ensuing ‘Bohs drive – and there was little doubt that awkwardness is occasionally synonymous with Adrian. After satisfying the completion series completions – first down to a male and second down to the Madison – the Untouchabohs’ QB noticed another shift in the defense – now playing a 3-2-3 zone and opening up the center of the field. Taking the snap, on the run, Hughes rushed deep up the middle of the field before being tacked with about ten yards to go until the midline.
Doing the same thing on the next snap – Hughes, as he is prone to do, stopped immediately before the midline and awaited the imminent tackle by the PTBs’ nearest female – adhereing to the pleas of teammates to avoid tagging the rushing ‘Bohs player. In the three seconds that followed, with awkwardness exponentially growing like bacterial growth on an agar plate, Hughes rotated his body and ‘tapped’ the PTBs player. Upon further review – take a knee next time!
Despite the awkwardness, the Bohs’ moved the ball down the field and found themselves once-again in a short-and-goal situation. Luckily enough for them, Lexi, fresh off of her honeymoon, was back on the field and found herself free on the offensive right side of the end zone. Gentle pass into the corner placed the score back into favor of the ‘Bohs as they took an 18-12 lead. The subsequent conversion to Levin on the left side of the field, a successful conversion FINALLY, extended the lead to 19-12 and gave the ball back to PTBs.
Sometimes, luck plays a factor regardless of skill or planning. The next drive was typical of the things that can go wrong in Second-Tier, Coed, Beer-Drinking, Two-hand Touch, BSSC football. Facing third-and-one situations twice on the drive, PTBs finally figured out that a short shuffle pass was the way to go. On their scoring series drive they finally got a really nice guy with a horrendous haircut the ball while running a circle route from right to left behind the line of scrimmage. So wide open you would have thought that he rolled-around in garbage, the lofted pass found him on the left side of the field, and he waddled-in for the touchdown. With the balance of power, meaning the score, in their hands again, the defense came through and forced another key incompletion and the Untouchabohs maintained a one-point advantage.
With just under seven minutes remaining in the game, the ODB offense was about to operate as efficiently as possible – running the clock down and securing a victory. With a pass-pass here and a run over there, the mastery of the BSSC rules was so beautiful that it caused tears of joy to be wept by innocent bystandiing witnesses. Again taking advantage of running, and thus making an interception an impossibility, the ball moved down the field as the clock tick-tocked itself away. Milking the clock down to the two minute warning was the initial goal of the drive. Goal number two, a score, was about to come to fruition like a rainbow refracting sunlight from condensing water vapor. With the female Asghari open on the right side of the field, crossing the goaline, her signature move perfectly executed, Hughes heaved a gentle, and so very loving, pass over the defense and into the waiting arms of the Untouchabohs’ receiver. Converting the one-point conversion to go up by eight points put the PTBs behind the proverbial 8-ball and put the staggeringly-intense ‘Bohs defenders back on the field in crunch time.
In an anticlimactic finish, the PTBs never made it over the midline as a second sack took place and the female receivers of the opponent failed to figure a way to play with the QB’s balls (snicker snicker). With the ‘Bohs taking a knee to finish the game, the final bell rang, and the score was finalized – 26-18.
Next up for the Untouchabohs is the MARATHON GAME, which is the game that takes place DURING THE MARATHON at Patterson Park Field #6 at 10:00 on Saturday, 16 October 2010 against Reggie Riddick’s Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 4-1). Luckily enough for the ‘Bohs, they are the home team this week and they won’t need to wear the bright yellow pinnies!
Important BSSC Links:
- FIELD MAPS;
- SCHEDULE; and
- STANDINGS;
Quick Summary of Weeks 2-4 To Keep Up To Date!
Game #2 Against Jimmy MacFarland's Baltimore Bohs and O's (Team #37, 1-0, White)
- Hughes knocking down the long pass attempt down the defensive left side (though he didn't pick it).
- Will having a kid!!!!
- Playing our hearts out without any substitutions.
- That skinny pale kid catching too many passes;
- Our socks!
- Not getting blown out again 40 something to 6 (like in the first time at LK#2 when they were bright yellow)
- Against the lime green team; Few subs, hot as hell, no Darian or Lauren.
- Hughes' laser of a throw to Wes in the end zone from midfield;
- Keith coming back from the wedding to catch a long touchdown;
- Driving at the end of the game and coming up short on 4th and goal, to lose by 1
- Adrian laying out the guy at the end of the half;
- Anastasia making it happen all game long;
- Facing the black team - who was terrible - Field 1 at 4:00
- Keith missed the game again;
- Layne's interception;
- Making the game just in time due to horrible traffic from the Fells Point Festival;
- Lauren tossing the ball to Danielle, with Adrian batting it down…
- Our socks;
- Finally generating a conversion play;
- Kendall's SNATCH on a high laser after we were going to take a knee, and we scored a touchdown;
- Lauren dropping the sure hot dog interception
- Referee overturning Darian's third interception of the game;
- Quarterback running for a long touchdown;
- Being able to use our deceptive play, or so other referees have called it, to almost score;
- Adrian's BACKWARDS pass to Darian when they rushed 3 people…
- Final score was 40-6. They kept heaving the ball softly into the middle of the field.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Monkey Mojo Stolen by Thievish Untouchabohs
THREE PICKS TASTE GREAT IN TASTES GREAT LEAGUE OPENER
Disassociated Press (11 September 2010) – A witches’ brew of monkey mojo, national heritage, a warlock’s blessing, and three interceptions were stirred in the cauldron that was brand new Patterson Park Field #6 as the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 1-0) intercepted a win over Red Hot Monkey Mojo (Team #40, Red, 0-1) on Saturday. Despite an apparent lack of depth, the ‘Bohs were outnumbered almost two-to-one, the ‘Bohs mustered enough mojo, grit, and guile on defense to intercept the tactically-challenged quarterback three times on their way to a 31-14 defeat.
Last season, Coach Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert made a mockery of the coin toss when, in nine games, he made a habit of magically losing the toss and still getting the ball and the direction that the Untouchabohs desired. He sent his black magic from his charity event to PHS Field #6 as evidenced by the opposing manager winning the toss and inexplicably choosing defense to start – allowing Hughes, the ‘Bohs giddy quarterback, to obtain both the ball and the desired direction. Oh ye Gods!
Starting off from the western end zone and driving east like the jet stream, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, completed their first four passes by mastering the Offense is Defense, Bitch (ODB) offense and staying out of forced gender situations. Adding new talent in Allison Merkle, Danielle ‘Robin’ Madison, and Megan Tschoep, to the already-feared Lauren ‘The ANIMAL’ Asghari, the FemBohs displayed superior athleticism while striking fear in the Monkey Women. With completions to the left and completions to the right, here a pass, there a pass, everywhere a pass-pass the ‘Bohs drained the clock like the desert sun drains lost victims and scored to move ahead 6-0. With a failed completion, the defense was about to take the field.
Defense wins championships, and in a league where you are assumed to score every time, a turnover is a cataclysmic offensive mistake. With RHMM moving toward the mid-line, and needing a conversion, the Untouchabohs were about to force a cataclysmic mistake. With fourth-and-mid, forced gender (something that the ‘Bohs don’t allow to happen within the ODB offense), RHMM’s lanky quarterback waited for the impossible – for his ladies to shake free of the beautiful and talented ‘Bohs’ defenders. With the 5-count expired, and under pressure from safety Darian Asghari, the quarterback heaved a soft spiral toward the waiting arms of the receiver. Unfortunately for her, ‘Robin’ Madison was sticking the defender like hot wax to naughty bits, and ripped the ball from her pasty-white clutches. Turnover, ‘Bohs have the ball!
Working the clock like Lady Gaga works a meat dress, the ‘Bohs took their time to cross the midline. With several completions and a few quick QB sneaks, the offense found themselves in front of the goaline with a chance to lead by 2 scores. A quick completion to the left side of the endzone provided the much-needed points, and a surprise 1-point point-after-try (PAT) but the Untouchabohs up 13-0 and placed their vaunted defense back onto the field.
RHMM sports several athletic players, one who could best be described as gazelle-like, on the receiving side of the ball. Using a ‘Hot Dog’ (for newbies or fresh meat, that is a college or pro-sized football), the quarterback was able to deftly move the ball down the field on sideline routes and ‘flag’ routes that were indefensible to the ‘Bohs’ cornerbacks and safeties. Their second drive of the game culminated in the gazelle catching the ball in the right corner of the endzone on a corner route. Great defense on the ensuing conversion kept the game at 13-6 in favor of the glorious Untouchabohs.
The clock continues to run in the first half, only stopping if there is a change of possession with less than one minute remaining in the half. The RHMM score and subsequent conversion occurred with 3:20 remaining in the half, though the ‘Bohs didn’t snap the ball until 2:42 was remaining. Frenetic, like a whirling dervish on caffeine, Hughes attempted to lead his team down the field for an important score but hurried a tad too much, leaving the team facing a 4th-and-2 completions to obtain the first down and keep the drive alive. On the four-count, Hughes lofted a high pass over the middle, snatched out of the air like a Bald Eagle snatches a herring from the water, completion good, first down and 2, 1:30 remaining. After a pair of quick completions and a timely timeout, the ‘Bohs put a dagger into the gut of the RHMM and extended their lead to 19-6.
Halftime is a glorious time in BSSC, especially when you have a lead. Despite the RHMM taking the ball to start the half, and the ‘Bohs being a little winded by a lack of substitutions, the stout defense was able to slow the forward progress of the offense, but ultimately yielded a score to lessen the gap to 19-14. The pressure was now on the ODB offense to milk the clock and score to maintain their hard-fought advantage.
A quick completion to the left side opened up the Untouchabohs for their patented® second-and-two-completion-to-a-girl. In this case, it was a pass intended for the female ‘Manimal’ Asghari in the right flat. Unfortunately, Hughes’ improper footwork placed the football by the foot of the receiver… drawing audible ire by the male Asghari attempting to placate the official mascot of the Untouchabohs, Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari. Immediately after Hughes told the intense Untouchabohs’ safety to ‘quit it,’ Hughes took the snap and started reading his progressions. Needing a short completion, Hughes defied his very training and started yelling to Kendall Crawford to go deeper… no DEEPER! Lofting a high spiral into the crisp end-of-summer air, so beautiful that Himalayan Monks wept tears of joy, the pass found its way into the waiting arms of the speedy receiver for a touchdown. No conversion, but the ‘Bohs were now leading 25-14. Now things would turn for the weird.
With the defense gasping for air, RHMM was driving. With fade routes and outs down the field, left and right, the Untouchabohs appeared vulnerable for the first time in recorded history. A little bit of luck was about to turn the tides back toward the vainglorious protagonist ‘Bohs. Hughes, needing to play defense for the first time in two years, allowed his defender to get behind him in the end zone, knowing that he couldn’t be burned deep. Lucky enough for the defender, he saw the receiver, who had already caught three passes on the drive, motion to the QB to have the ball thrown to the outside. The RHMM QB obliged by tossing the ball to the rear corner of the endzone, but Hughes had already broken his coverage and intercepted the RHMM Hot Dog. Second turnover of the game, advantage ‘Bohs, essentially 11-0.
The massacre was on. Taking the ball with 5:30 left in the game, the ODB offense was in full display. Running the clock down to 5 seconds, making short and/or very high completion passes, and avoiding drops, the entire team focused on the task at hand the way the Hubble Telescope focuses on rays of light that have yet to strike those who are present on Earth. Keeping the clock moving, the ‘Bohs ran the clock down to the two minute warning with their fifth touchdown of the day. Failing to convert the one-point PAT meant that the clock wouldn’t run continuously and that the Untouchabohs defense would need to continue to play out the game. A sense of foreboding overtook the RHMM, though, on the game’s final drive.
Taking the ball from their 10 yard line, and attempting to toss the very same out and flag routes they have been running all day, what little Mojo the Red-Hot Monkey Mojo team had, was about to be diffused by a ball-hawking safety in Asghari. On what proved to be the final play of the game, with 1:50 remaining, Darian Asghari picked-off the high lofted Hot Dog by the Mojo QB to seal the trilling, and slightly unexpected, 31-14 victory.
Next up, the Untouchabohs take on the lamely-named Baltimore Bohs and O’s (Team #37, White, 1-0) at 1:00 on Patterson High School Field #4 (the lower, middle fields, inside of the fence). With attendance an issue again, the ‘Bohs hope to put their best feet forward in search of another TGL victory.
Potpourri:
• The final turnover margin was 3-0 in favor of the Untouchabohs;
• Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert blessed Hughes to allow victory during the coin toss;
• Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne got dirty for the first time this season on a ball that floated softly to the ground between two ‘Bohs defenders;
• No longer clad in orange, the former Orange Crush Defense (OCD) still made its presence felt;
• The defense only allowed scores on two of five drives (40% score against) and one of two (50%) conversions;
• Hughes should never play defense.
Disassociated Press (11 September 2010) – A witches’ brew of monkey mojo, national heritage, a warlock’s blessing, and three interceptions were stirred in the cauldron that was brand new Patterson Park Field #6 as the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 1-0) intercepted a win over Red Hot Monkey Mojo (Team #40, Red, 0-1) on Saturday. Despite an apparent lack of depth, the ‘Bohs were outnumbered almost two-to-one, the ‘Bohs mustered enough mojo, grit, and guile on defense to intercept the tactically-challenged quarterback three times on their way to a 31-14 defeat.
Last season, Coach Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert made a mockery of the coin toss when, in nine games, he made a habit of magically losing the toss and still getting the ball and the direction that the Untouchabohs desired. He sent his black magic from his charity event to PHS Field #6 as evidenced by the opposing manager winning the toss and inexplicably choosing defense to start – allowing Hughes, the ‘Bohs giddy quarterback, to obtain both the ball and the desired direction. Oh ye Gods!
Starting off from the western end zone and driving east like the jet stream, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, completed their first four passes by mastering the Offense is Defense, Bitch (ODB) offense and staying out of forced gender situations. Adding new talent in Allison Merkle, Danielle ‘Robin’ Madison, and Megan Tschoep, to the already-feared Lauren ‘The ANIMAL’ Asghari, the FemBohs displayed superior athleticism while striking fear in the Monkey Women. With completions to the left and completions to the right, here a pass, there a pass, everywhere a pass-pass the ‘Bohs drained the clock like the desert sun drains lost victims and scored to move ahead 6-0. With a failed completion, the defense was about to take the field.
Defense wins championships, and in a league where you are assumed to score every time, a turnover is a cataclysmic offensive mistake. With RHMM moving toward the mid-line, and needing a conversion, the Untouchabohs were about to force a cataclysmic mistake. With fourth-and-mid, forced gender (something that the ‘Bohs don’t allow to happen within the ODB offense), RHMM’s lanky quarterback waited for the impossible – for his ladies to shake free of the beautiful and talented ‘Bohs’ defenders. With the 5-count expired, and under pressure from safety Darian Asghari, the quarterback heaved a soft spiral toward the waiting arms of the receiver. Unfortunately for her, ‘Robin’ Madison was sticking the defender like hot wax to naughty bits, and ripped the ball from her pasty-white clutches. Turnover, ‘Bohs have the ball!
Working the clock like Lady Gaga works a meat dress, the ‘Bohs took their time to cross the midline. With several completions and a few quick QB sneaks, the offense found themselves in front of the goaline with a chance to lead by 2 scores. A quick completion to the left side of the endzone provided the much-needed points, and a surprise 1-point point-after-try (PAT) but the Untouchabohs up 13-0 and placed their vaunted defense back onto the field.
RHMM sports several athletic players, one who could best be described as gazelle-like, on the receiving side of the ball. Using a ‘Hot Dog’ (for newbies or fresh meat, that is a college or pro-sized football), the quarterback was able to deftly move the ball down the field on sideline routes and ‘flag’ routes that were indefensible to the ‘Bohs’ cornerbacks and safeties. Their second drive of the game culminated in the gazelle catching the ball in the right corner of the endzone on a corner route. Great defense on the ensuing conversion kept the game at 13-6 in favor of the glorious Untouchabohs.
The clock continues to run in the first half, only stopping if there is a change of possession with less than one minute remaining in the half. The RHMM score and subsequent conversion occurred with 3:20 remaining in the half, though the ‘Bohs didn’t snap the ball until 2:42 was remaining. Frenetic, like a whirling dervish on caffeine, Hughes attempted to lead his team down the field for an important score but hurried a tad too much, leaving the team facing a 4th-and-2 completions to obtain the first down and keep the drive alive. On the four-count, Hughes lofted a high pass over the middle, snatched out of the air like a Bald Eagle snatches a herring from the water, completion good, first down and 2, 1:30 remaining. After a pair of quick completions and a timely timeout, the ‘Bohs put a dagger into the gut of the RHMM and extended their lead to 19-6.
Halftime is a glorious time in BSSC, especially when you have a lead. Despite the RHMM taking the ball to start the half, and the ‘Bohs being a little winded by a lack of substitutions, the stout defense was able to slow the forward progress of the offense, but ultimately yielded a score to lessen the gap to 19-14. The pressure was now on the ODB offense to milk the clock and score to maintain their hard-fought advantage.
A quick completion to the left side opened up the Untouchabohs for their patented® second-and-two-completion-to-a-girl. In this case, it was a pass intended for the female ‘Manimal’ Asghari in the right flat. Unfortunately, Hughes’ improper footwork placed the football by the foot of the receiver… drawing audible ire by the male Asghari attempting to placate the official mascot of the Untouchabohs, Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari. Immediately after Hughes told the intense Untouchabohs’ safety to ‘quit it,’ Hughes took the snap and started reading his progressions. Needing a short completion, Hughes defied his very training and started yelling to Kendall Crawford to go deeper… no DEEPER! Lofting a high spiral into the crisp end-of-summer air, so beautiful that Himalayan Monks wept tears of joy, the pass found its way into the waiting arms of the speedy receiver for a touchdown. No conversion, but the ‘Bohs were now leading 25-14. Now things would turn for the weird.
With the defense gasping for air, RHMM was driving. With fade routes and outs down the field, left and right, the Untouchabohs appeared vulnerable for the first time in recorded history. A little bit of luck was about to turn the tides back toward the vainglorious protagonist ‘Bohs. Hughes, needing to play defense for the first time in two years, allowed his defender to get behind him in the end zone, knowing that he couldn’t be burned deep. Lucky enough for the defender, he saw the receiver, who had already caught three passes on the drive, motion to the QB to have the ball thrown to the outside. The RHMM QB obliged by tossing the ball to the rear corner of the endzone, but Hughes had already broken his coverage and intercepted the RHMM Hot Dog. Second turnover of the game, advantage ‘Bohs, essentially 11-0.
The massacre was on. Taking the ball with 5:30 left in the game, the ODB offense was in full display. Running the clock down to 5 seconds, making short and/or very high completion passes, and avoiding drops, the entire team focused on the task at hand the way the Hubble Telescope focuses on rays of light that have yet to strike those who are present on Earth. Keeping the clock moving, the ‘Bohs ran the clock down to the two minute warning with their fifth touchdown of the day. Failing to convert the one-point PAT meant that the clock wouldn’t run continuously and that the Untouchabohs defense would need to continue to play out the game. A sense of foreboding overtook the RHMM, though, on the game’s final drive.
Taking the ball from their 10 yard line, and attempting to toss the very same out and flag routes they have been running all day, what little Mojo the Red-Hot Monkey Mojo team had, was about to be diffused by a ball-hawking safety in Asghari. On what proved to be the final play of the game, with 1:50 remaining, Darian Asghari picked-off the high lofted Hot Dog by the Mojo QB to seal the trilling, and slightly unexpected, 31-14 victory.
Next up, the Untouchabohs take on the lamely-named Baltimore Bohs and O’s (Team #37, White, 1-0) at 1:00 on Patterson High School Field #4 (the lower, middle fields, inside of the fence). With attendance an issue again, the ‘Bohs hope to put their best feet forward in search of another TGL victory.
Potpourri:
• The final turnover margin was 3-0 in favor of the Untouchabohs;
• Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert blessed Hughes to allow victory during the coin toss;
• Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne got dirty for the first time this season on a ball that floated softly to the ground between two ‘Bohs defenders;
• No longer clad in orange, the former Orange Crush Defense (OCD) still made its presence felt;
• The defense only allowed scores on two of five drives (40% score against) and one of two (50%) conversions;
• Hughes should never play defense.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Untouchabohs Expect Two Saturday Victories
Anything Else to be Declared, 'Uncivilized'
(Disassociated Press) 4 June 2010 – The 2010 version of the Untouchabohs begin their playoff run Saturday at the Lou Karpouzie fields against playoff tested teams of yesteryear. Fighting without a plethora of playmakers, the talent level will be high despite a lack of depth. The orange crush defense will have a different look but will still break the heart of the opponents like a child breaking a cherished family heirloom.
After a battle of the citrus fruits two weeks ago as the Orange (Team #124, Untouchabohs, 6-1-1) crushed the Lime (Team #119, Catching Touchdowns and Making Babies, 1-7) on Patterson Field #4 the ‘Bohs will be taking on a nemesis in Andy Beal’s team in the sudden death playoff game. It will be a rekindling of rivalry as TD’s in your face (Team #88, Navy, 6-2) was named Gender Plays are For Girls in the 2009-Fall season and it took a Pick-6 by Chris ‘Full’ Nelson to seal the game and the four point victory.
Intensity and conversions will be the key to the game, and any subsequent games, as this team knows how to play and the ‘Bohs are 0-1 against 6-2 teams wearing Navy blue this season. History is something to learn from and not repeat, so the forces of good shall accompany the intense Untouchabohs through battle on some of the better playing surfaces that the BSSC LFL has to offer. Despite the rising temperatures, NASA has assured ‘Bohs blogger Hughes that there are no solar flares on the horizon and therefore the wizardry that Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert will employ will be in full effect come gametime. Oh ye Gods.
The Untouchabohs have been buoyed by a plethora of depth, a paucity of penalties, and a ball-hawking defense that has caused so many turnovers that Paula Deen has been wearing jealousy like her apple turnovers wear heavy cream and butter. When you combine that with the methodical, defense saving, ODB offense, victories are earned. Despite some lulls in intensity this year the ‘Bohs always display a fighting determination and will to win that is unparalleled in BSSC, and especially LFL, lore.
The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, will fight tooth and nail to the bitter end to allow the absent members of the 2010 squad to have the opportunity to chase the championship on Sunday, which will require two Saturday wins. The grit and guile of the Saturday squad chasing the championship will be remembered to be like the grit and guile of the Goonies chasing One-Eyed Willie’s treasure. Luckily for the ‘Bohs, there are no angry Italian mobsters in pursuit, though there will be stiff competition from the opponents.
Come out, bring some refreshments, and setup your chair at the LK fields this Saturday, as your glorious Untouchabohs extend their season from Playoffs Day 1 into Day 2, and make a run for the LFL Cup, also known as a pitcher of ice-cold Miller Lite.
Potpourri:
• Untouchabohs’ QBs have a 40:2 TD to Int ratio this season;
• Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert has won the ‘toss’ 5/8 times;
• Of the 3 ‘toss’ losses, he has secured both the ball and the direction twice;
• Jonny Layne’s streak of getting dirty ended this season after a miraculous 17-game streak spanning 3 seasons;
• The Untouchabohs Orange Crush Defense (OCD) pitched a shutout this season, the second in three years;
• OCD has prevented scoring on 56% of opponents’ drives this regular season, but only forced 1 turnover in their lone loss;
• The Untouchabohs are going to win two games on Saturday.
(Disassociated Press) 4 June 2010 – The 2010 version of the Untouchabohs begin their playoff run Saturday at the Lou Karpouzie fields against playoff tested teams of yesteryear. Fighting without a plethora of playmakers, the talent level will be high despite a lack of depth. The orange crush defense will have a different look but will still break the heart of the opponents like a child breaking a cherished family heirloom.
After a battle of the citrus fruits two weeks ago as the Orange (Team #124, Untouchabohs, 6-1-1) crushed the Lime (Team #119, Catching Touchdowns and Making Babies, 1-7) on Patterson Field #4 the ‘Bohs will be taking on a nemesis in Andy Beal’s team in the sudden death playoff game. It will be a rekindling of rivalry as TD’s in your face (Team #88, Navy, 6-2) was named Gender Plays are For Girls in the 2009-Fall season and it took a Pick-6 by Chris ‘Full’ Nelson to seal the game and the four point victory.
Intensity and conversions will be the key to the game, and any subsequent games, as this team knows how to play and the ‘Bohs are 0-1 against 6-2 teams wearing Navy blue this season. History is something to learn from and not repeat, so the forces of good shall accompany the intense Untouchabohs through battle on some of the better playing surfaces that the BSSC LFL has to offer. Despite the rising temperatures, NASA has assured ‘Bohs blogger Hughes that there are no solar flares on the horizon and therefore the wizardry that Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert will employ will be in full effect come gametime. Oh ye Gods.
The Untouchabohs have been buoyed by a plethora of depth, a paucity of penalties, and a ball-hawking defense that has caused so many turnovers that Paula Deen has been wearing jealousy like her apple turnovers wear heavy cream and butter. When you combine that with the methodical, defense saving, ODB offense, victories are earned. Despite some lulls in intensity this year the ‘Bohs always display a fighting determination and will to win that is unparalleled in BSSC, and especially LFL, lore.
The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, will fight tooth and nail to the bitter end to allow the absent members of the 2010 squad to have the opportunity to chase the championship on Sunday, which will require two Saturday wins. The grit and guile of the Saturday squad chasing the championship will be remembered to be like the grit and guile of the Goonies chasing One-Eyed Willie’s treasure. Luckily for the ‘Bohs, there are no angry Italian mobsters in pursuit, though there will be stiff competition from the opponents.
Come out, bring some refreshments, and setup your chair at the LK fields this Saturday, as your glorious Untouchabohs extend their season from Playoffs Day 1 into Day 2, and make a run for the LFL Cup, also known as a pitcher of ice-cold Miller Lite.
Potpourri:
• Untouchabohs’ QBs have a 40:2 TD to Int ratio this season;
• Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert has won the ‘toss’ 5/8 times;
• Of the 3 ‘toss’ losses, he has secured both the ball and the direction twice;
• Jonny Layne’s streak of getting dirty ended this season after a miraculous 17-game streak spanning 3 seasons;
• The Untouchabohs Orange Crush Defense (OCD) pitched a shutout this season, the second in three years;
• OCD has prevented scoring on 56% of opponents’ drives this regular season, but only forced 1 turnover in their lone loss;
• The Untouchabohs are going to win two games on Saturday.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Upended Untouchabohs Display Moxie, Mettle, and Courage
'Bohs Lose First Game But Go Down Swinging
(Bad News) 16 May 2010 - A blatantly-poor referee and a late first half turnover was too much to overcome for the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 5-1-1) as they faced an ignorant bunch of slutbags also known as Chris Lee's LMU Falcons (Team #125, Navy, 5-2) at Patterson High School Field #2 on Sunday. A late first half turnover, subsequent slutbag score, and an overturned touchdown was too much to overcome on a glorious day in Baltimore.
Losing the opening toss for the second time this season, but failing to start with the ball for the first time as well, the Untouchabohs' Tim 'Warlock' Lambert must have lost his evil powers of controlling the fate of the toss due to some unexpected cosmic disturbance. Such insane revelations, Lambert losing the toss, has caused a flurry of activity at NASA facilities across the country as such things may be a cosmic sign of impending doom. NASA astrophysicists would not respond to inquiries as they were weeping tears of concern.
The first half was a see-saw battle that saw the first turnover of the game slip through the fingers of the vaunted Orange Crush Defense (OCD) preceding a score and two point conversion to put the LMU Falcons up 8-0. Undaunted, the subsequent drive by the 'Bohs moved the ball efficiently down the field for a score though the failed conversion brought the streak of unsuccessful conversions to 11 straight, and the Falcons lead 8-6.
Near-interceptions have become commonplace with the OCD on the field, and a duck of a pass was heaved by the quarterback of the Falcons to the left side of the field. Underthrown, like most of his passes were all day (hence the short route-running of the Falcons' receivers), Will 'Shutdown' Gray picked off the pass and accelerated toward the end zone. Scoring again, but failing to convert (12-straight failed PATs), the game was 12-84 in favor of the 'Bohs. Of note, the Falcons had some guy on the sideline giving everyone a pantload of trash talking, but who was wearing the wrong color shirt. Recent research into derogatory terms has deemed this individual as the definition of a Douche Canoe. Moral experts have determined that such horrible behaviour is unnecessary and the Irish green-clad DC should be gelded like a pedophile.
Running a drag route against the man-to-man defense of the 'Bohs proved highly effective for the Falcons' Justin Rice who had a career day moving over the wash created by the other team's players picking 'Bohs' defenders at the line of scrimmage. Moving down the field the Falcons scored again, though failed to convert the point-after-try (PAT), and extended their lead to 14-12.
The ODB offense hinges on several immutable laws. Accurate passing on conversion series, running with the ball for yardage on midline series, and keeping the defense off of the field for a breather during the game. Risky, low percentage, deep passing is not part of the game plan, but a poor decision by Hughes turned the tide of the game. Moving down the field, and crossing the midline with just over two minutes left, Hughes rolled to his right. Hearing chants from the sideline, and failing to ignore them, he heaved a deep ball, across his body, to the left-center portion of the western end zone. With the ball held up by the wind, and without much juice on it anyway, Rice picked the ball away from the receiver for a crucial turnover.
Referees in this league have difficulty keeping track of the rules while punishing the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, for their apparently striking good looks. Some, perchance, argue it is for the physical style of play that unnerves the typically weak-minded opponents of the 'Bohs and creates a whining that infiltrates the souls of the BSSC yellow-clad rule keepers. The referee stopped the clock with the turnover though he is only authorized to do that with 1:00 or less time left in the first half. This proved advantageous to the navy blue-clad slutbags who were only required to burn one timeout during their drive. Scoring with no time remaining, but with the ferocious and dedicated OCD of the 'Bohs preventing the conversion, the score moved to 20-12 in favor of the pack of worthless Legg Mason trash.
Halftime was a somber one for the 'Bohs who reminisced about lost opportunities and about the potential impending apocalypse that somehow temporarily robbed the 'Warlock' of his game-altering powers. Nonetheless, the Untouchabohs are as resilient as a supercharged trampoline and were intent to fight back against the evil forces conspiring against them.
Taking the opening drive of the second half down the field, all things were clicking. With a few drops scattered in with many more completions, the offense was moving. A pass here and there, with key completions to Danielle Madison, consistently open on the left edge of the field, culminated with a touchdown and a conversion which halted the failed-PAT streak at 12 straight, and moved the 'Bohs even with the Falcons at 20 points apiece.
The referee was throwing yellow hankies all over the field in the first half and not much changed in the second half. Extending drive after drive, the Falcons capitalized on the shady referee, stepson of Satan-the-Referee (see the post from the 'Black' season from Patterson Park Field #4), to score and convert to extend their lead to 28-20. The next 'Bohs drive was also affected, as was the course of the game, during the scoring series. After several throws, too hard for the 'Bohs receivers to handle, the 'Bohs QB found an open Bruce McMillion in the center of the end zone. Well thrown, and caught, the 'Bohs avoided a turnover. FLAG! The referee ruled that McMillion, in FRONT OF THE REFEREE (who stands on the end line) was out of bounds and the pass was incomplete. Bad call, turnover, tide of the game shifted.
The drag routes continued and the deflated Untouchabohs defense allowed a score on the Falcons' possession. Prideful, the PAT was prevented to keep the differential at 14 points with just under five minutes remaining. Things looked bleak for the 'Bohs, who managed to bollocks-up a rally cheer in the offensive huddle. Quitters never win, and winners never quit - as evidenced by LeBron James' lack of character - and the 'Bohs were far from quitting. The first play from scrimmage displayed a lack of respect for the 'Bohs' QB's arm as the safeties maintained their depth during the play. With Hughes taking a seven step drop behind the line, eyeing a deeper pass than usual, and Kendall 'That's MY Ball' Crawford crossing the middle of the field, the QB frantically waved for the receiver to break toward the end zone. Heaving the ball the length of the field, over both the defense and the receiver's shoulder to the left corner of the end zone, Crawford elevated (while shielding the defender from the ball) and hauled in the touchdown. Conversion good, the drive took under one minute to put the game at 34-28.
It was too little, too late, as the Falcons were able to run a slant from the opposite side of the field from Justin Rice to catch the defense a little off-guard and score with under two minutes remaining. Failing to convert again, the Falcons held a 40-28 lead. The final drive of the game ended on a forced gender hail mary with no time remaining giving the resilient Untouchabohs their first regular season loss since the first week of October 2009 against the Mustangs (Team #132, Military Green, 7-0).
The Untouchabohs, #16 overall with the current standings, are poised to make the playoffs for the second consecutive season pending a win this week over Glen Jackson's Catching Touchdowns and Making Babies (Team #119, Lime, 1-6) at the Untouchabohs' Homecoming game of the season at Patterson Park Field #4 at 3:00 PM. Don't be late, we need you all there to help!
POTPOURRI:
(Bad News) 16 May 2010 - A blatantly-poor referee and a late first half turnover was too much to overcome for the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 5-1-1) as they faced an ignorant bunch of slutbags also known as Chris Lee's LMU Falcons (Team #125, Navy, 5-2) at Patterson High School Field #2 on Sunday. A late first half turnover, subsequent slutbag score, and an overturned touchdown was too much to overcome on a glorious day in Baltimore.
Losing the opening toss for the second time this season, but failing to start with the ball for the first time as well, the Untouchabohs' Tim 'Warlock' Lambert must have lost his evil powers of controlling the fate of the toss due to some unexpected cosmic disturbance. Such insane revelations, Lambert losing the toss, has caused a flurry of activity at NASA facilities across the country as such things may be a cosmic sign of impending doom. NASA astrophysicists would not respond to inquiries as they were weeping tears of concern.
The first half was a see-saw battle that saw the first turnover of the game slip through the fingers of the vaunted Orange Crush Defense (OCD) preceding a score and two point conversion to put the LMU Falcons up 8-0. Undaunted, the subsequent drive by the 'Bohs moved the ball efficiently down the field for a score though the failed conversion brought the streak of unsuccessful conversions to 11 straight, and the Falcons lead 8-6.
Near-interceptions have become commonplace with the OCD on the field, and a duck of a pass was heaved by the quarterback of the Falcons to the left side of the field. Underthrown, like most of his passes were all day (hence the short route-running of the Falcons' receivers), Will 'Shutdown' Gray picked off the pass and accelerated toward the end zone. Scoring again, but failing to convert (12-straight failed PATs), the game was 12-84 in favor of the 'Bohs. Of note, the Falcons had some guy on the sideline giving everyone a pantload of trash talking, but who was wearing the wrong color shirt. Recent research into derogatory terms has deemed this individual as the definition of a Douche Canoe. Moral experts have determined that such horrible behaviour is unnecessary and the Irish green-clad DC should be gelded like a pedophile.
Running a drag route against the man-to-man defense of the 'Bohs proved highly effective for the Falcons' Justin Rice who had a career day moving over the wash created by the other team's players picking 'Bohs' defenders at the line of scrimmage. Moving down the field the Falcons scored again, though failed to convert the point-after-try (PAT), and extended their lead to 14-12.
The ODB offense hinges on several immutable laws. Accurate passing on conversion series, running with the ball for yardage on midline series, and keeping the defense off of the field for a breather during the game. Risky, low percentage, deep passing is not part of the game plan, but a poor decision by Hughes turned the tide of the game. Moving down the field, and crossing the midline with just over two minutes left, Hughes rolled to his right. Hearing chants from the sideline, and failing to ignore them, he heaved a deep ball, across his body, to the left-center portion of the western end zone. With the ball held up by the wind, and without much juice on it anyway, Rice picked the ball away from the receiver for a crucial turnover.
Referees in this league have difficulty keeping track of the rules while punishing the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, for their apparently striking good looks. Some, perchance, argue it is for the physical style of play that unnerves the typically weak-minded opponents of the 'Bohs and creates a whining that infiltrates the souls of the BSSC yellow-clad rule keepers. The referee stopped the clock with the turnover though he is only authorized to do that with 1:00 or less time left in the first half. This proved advantageous to the navy blue-clad slutbags who were only required to burn one timeout during their drive. Scoring with no time remaining, but with the ferocious and dedicated OCD of the 'Bohs preventing the conversion, the score moved to 20-12 in favor of the pack of worthless Legg Mason trash.
Halftime was a somber one for the 'Bohs who reminisced about lost opportunities and about the potential impending apocalypse that somehow temporarily robbed the 'Warlock' of his game-altering powers. Nonetheless, the Untouchabohs are as resilient as a supercharged trampoline and were intent to fight back against the evil forces conspiring against them.
Taking the opening drive of the second half down the field, all things were clicking. With a few drops scattered in with many more completions, the offense was moving. A pass here and there, with key completions to Danielle Madison, consistently open on the left edge of the field, culminated with a touchdown and a conversion which halted the failed-PAT streak at 12 straight, and moved the 'Bohs even with the Falcons at 20 points apiece.
The referee was throwing yellow hankies all over the field in the first half and not much changed in the second half. Extending drive after drive, the Falcons capitalized on the shady referee, stepson of Satan-the-Referee (see the post from the 'Black' season from Patterson Park Field #4), to score and convert to extend their lead to 28-20. The next 'Bohs drive was also affected, as was the course of the game, during the scoring series. After several throws, too hard for the 'Bohs receivers to handle, the 'Bohs QB found an open Bruce McMillion in the center of the end zone. Well thrown, and caught, the 'Bohs avoided a turnover. FLAG! The referee ruled that McMillion, in FRONT OF THE REFEREE (who stands on the end line) was out of bounds and the pass was incomplete. Bad call, turnover, tide of the game shifted.
The drag routes continued and the deflated Untouchabohs defense allowed a score on the Falcons' possession. Prideful, the PAT was prevented to keep the differential at 14 points with just under five minutes remaining. Things looked bleak for the 'Bohs, who managed to bollocks-up a rally cheer in the offensive huddle. Quitters never win, and winners never quit - as evidenced by LeBron James' lack of character - and the 'Bohs were far from quitting. The first play from scrimmage displayed a lack of respect for the 'Bohs' QB's arm as the safeties maintained their depth during the play. With Hughes taking a seven step drop behind the line, eyeing a deeper pass than usual, and Kendall 'That's MY Ball' Crawford crossing the middle of the field, the QB frantically waved for the receiver to break toward the end zone. Heaving the ball the length of the field, over both the defense and the receiver's shoulder to the left corner of the end zone, Crawford elevated (while shielding the defender from the ball) and hauled in the touchdown. Conversion good, the drive took under one minute to put the game at 34-28.
It was too little, too late, as the Falcons were able to run a slant from the opposite side of the field from Justin Rice to catch the defense a little off-guard and score with under two minutes remaining. Failing to convert again, the Falcons held a 40-28 lead. The final drive of the game ended on a forced gender hail mary with no time remaining giving the resilient Untouchabohs their first regular season loss since the first week of October 2009 against the Mustangs (Team #132, Military Green, 7-0).
The Untouchabohs, #16 overall with the current standings, are poised to make the playoffs for the second consecutive season pending a win this week over Glen Jackson's Catching Touchdowns and Making Babies (Team #119, Lime, 1-6) at the Untouchabohs' Homecoming game of the season at Patterson Park Field #4 at 3:00 PM. Don't be late, we need you all there to help!
POTPOURRI:
- After missing the initial two conversions the 'Bohs went 2-2 and will carry that into the next game and the playoffs;
- The interception was the first interception of a 'Bohs QB since a tipped ball gently landed in the arms of a Daisy Yellow female defender in the Game 2 49-0 drubbing of Tummy Stick Enthusiasts;
- The girl who loves STDs bought the 'Bohs two pitchers after the game and tried to apologize for being intense - unfortunately she should have apologized for Legg Mason people being slutbags;
- JD's southwestern brisket is magnificent;
- Will Grey recorded his 3rd interception of the season, six other 'Bohs have 1 int apiece;
- Lambert's powers will hopefully return this week assuming the solar flares or other cosmic disturbances have been quelled;
- The 'Bohs never-give-up spirit will carry them all far through games and also in life;
Confucius was reached and stated the following: 'The Untouchabohs' greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.'
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tornadic Winds and Untouchabohs Twist Undermanned Warriors
Football Gods Smirk at Attempt to Throw Hot Dog in the Wind
(Aqua Iggy News) 9 May 2010 - Strategic strategery, a suffocating defense, a little love from the referee, and a methodical offense carried the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 5-0-1) over Andrew Porter's Christopher Walken's Warriors (Team #144, Royal Blue, 1-5) at the displaced Field #4 at Patterson High School in a 24-13 Mother's Day victory.
Facing sustained 25 mph winds swirling and changing directions more frequently than changing an infant's diaper, the direction of play would be key in avoiding a big, negative, play for the 'Bohs. Team #124 is lucky to have the fabled, dark-magic wielding, coach on their side. Winning the coin toss for the fourth-straight game, the gifted coach Tim 'Warlock' Lambert secured the ball for the ODB offense and used his mystical powers to secure the wind direction that the Untouchabohs coveted at the start of the game. 'The Warlock' has won 5 of 6 coin tosses, and in the singular loss, managed to use his powers to secure BOTH the wind direction and the ball to start on offense. Oh, ye Gods!
The initial possession began with a friendly game of 7-on-7 as both teams were short one female as the game started. Two 'Bohs were drawn to an adjacent field hosting another, and likely not as attractive, orange team like insects to a bright orange lamp. The reinforcements arrived in time to participate in the initial drive, characteristic of the ODB offense. The initial pass attempts is a short pass to a male, followed by a shovel to the waiting arms of the female. If you are new to the Less Filling League (LFL) of the BSSC, this ensures that the initial first down is obtained, and ensures that a 4th-and-1 Completion; Gender scenario is never reached. The drive, straight into a gusting wind, culminated in a touchdown to (WHO?) though the failed conversion left the lead at a meager 6-0 score.
The Orange Crush Defense of the Untouchabohs is a sight to see. Forcing turnovers at a clip of 62% of the opponents' drives (which includes stopping a team at the end of the first half for record-keeping purposes) is something unheard-of in the lore of the LFL. Granted, the opponents of this season's squad, currently 15-33 (0.313 winning %) is significantly lower than last seasons opponents (37-19; 0.661%). Facing the offense of Christopher Walken's Warriors (CWW henceforth) for the first time today brought out the best and the worst in the defense.
For the second-straight game the offense opposing the OCD of the 'Bohs faced a 4th-and-1 on the opening possession, and for the second-straight game the defense astutely took away the short, easy completion. Unfortunately, also for the second-straight game, the defense yielded a long completion to convert the completion and gain significant yardage toward the end zone. Ugly as that was, the best was yet to come. Facing 3rd-and-1 (Open) the CWW QB scanned the field and looked for an open, royal blue-clad receiver in the end zone. Finding a tall, lanky, drink of water open in the right side of the end zone, the lame-armed bandit heaved a tight spiral toward the receiver. The receiver, leaving his giant feet to grapple the NFL-sized football high above the ground, clasped the pass between two hands and was preparing to gently land for the score. Unfortunately for him, Will 'Night Train Lane' Gray was about to make a 'Gray't' play.
Exploding from his sound defensive possession inside of the receiver, also the initial reason the pass was high and outside in the first place, Gray erupted from his position in a way that would make an exploding star jealous and closed-in on the gangly giant. Leaping gracefully like a gazelle in his prime, Gray glided through the air to smack the ball from the receiver's hands at the pinnacle of its height. BSSCPN has automatically awarded Gray the 'Top-10 Play' #1 ranking for the week, and will consider bringing him in for the BSSCSPY Awards this summer. Perhaps one of the most explosive plays in years for the LFL. Almost as a side note, the secretive and deft Angelo Rivera deflected the subsequent 4th-and-Goal (Gender) pass down at the line through the referee didn't see it and the offense quickly moved onto the field before the challenge flag could be thrown by CWW. Turnover #1, 6-0 in favor of the 'Bohs.
The ensuing possession had a great deal more crisp offensive action than the 'Bohs have had during the previous two games. With Lindsay 'Leopard's' Spotts drawing the coverage of the opponent and the respect of teammates on forced gender plays, the offense moved methodically down the field with the rhythm of the Olympic rowing team. Passing, running, and managing the game, a touchdown was as imminnet as the sunset. Facing into the wind, two attempts failed at touchdowns until Jonny 'Secret Agent and Dirty Boy' Layne snatched a high, hard, pass out of the air like an osprey snatches an unwilling victim; angry and with authority. Failed conversion on a truly wind-blown attempt left the 'Bohs up 12-0 over the truly overmatched opponent.
This is an offensive league, even though defense wins championships, and the quick quarterback of CWW was on the move. The most effective plays of the day for offensive leader of this gangly group of so-called ‘Warriors’ occurred when a blitzer crossed the line and yards were gained with the QB scramble. That said, CWW moved down the field and got a touch lucky scoring their first touchdown of the day and a conversion to move the game to 12-7. Proving how important even one conversion may be, the game was now within five points of the trailing team and 53 seconds remained, the ‘Bohs heading into the teeth of a gusting wind.
A valiant effort on several completions put the ‘Bohs within striking distance of the end zone and only consumed one timeout. Unfortunately the defense stacked the end zone and Darian ‘Don’t Throw a Hot Dog in the Wind’ Asghari came open late in the play on the right hand side after the last attempt at a third, first-half, score fell incomplete.
The gender confusion played an important role in this contest of two well-dressed teams. On CWW’s initial possession, a deft knock-down by Rivera stopped a drive and forced a turnover on downs. On the ensuing ‘Bohs possession a pass intended for Spotts was inadvertently batted down by one of the five males with their hands in the air. With a short, petulant, weevil of a man on the royal blue squad saying that we owed it to them to decline the penalty (which is what the QB Hughes was going to do anyway), the sportsmanlike Untouchabohs declined the penalty. Ironically, for those who don’t know the rules (like CWW), if you accept the penalty it’s 5-yards and repeat gender, if you decline the penalty, gender is reset and the play becomes open. By following the weevil’s request, he doomed them to playing 7-on-8 again as opposed to 3-on-3. Further forced-gender issues would surface later in the game though Jessica Marshall (referee, and captain of a 6-0 team) would have none of it.
Opening the second-half with the ball, CWW faced a forced gender situation. With the ‘Bohs male defenders on the line, arms in the air, the lame-duck-throwing QB of CWW drilled Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert in the right pectoralis major and claimed that the pass was interfered-with. Knowing the rules, Jessica M. informed the offense that by purposefully striking a male defender below the shoulder is a penalty, repeat the gender, and move the ball back 5-yards. A scramble by the QB across the mid-line (for the only first-down of the drive) was followed by several heaves into the wind that looked more like an injured toddler being catapulted without rhyme-or-reason in a northwesterly direction. Another failed 4th-and-1 later, turnover on downs, ODB has the ball.
With advice from Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari, barking from the sideline, to continue to milk the clock, the ODB offense was keeping the pressure on the defense. Phantom forces were about to curse the Rivera for the second straight week. Taking a bubble screen off of the right side of the line, Rivera juked the initial defender so hard that his pride was left in the jetwash of the receiver’s afterburners. With only one defender remaining between Rivera and the end zone the game was on. Making another juke that caused Himalayan Monks to weep tears of resplendent joy, Rivera moved to his right and crossed the goal line. Unfortunately for Rivera, for the second straight game, phantom forces were at work and an inadvertent whistle called the play dead on the defensive side of the mid-line. Personally disappointing for the receiver, it did not haunt the ‘Bohs as they scored again on a beautifully-run route by Bruce ‘You Didn’t See That One Coming’ McMillion. Let it be known that Bruce had just run 6 routes previously by walking off of the line, and on this play, walked off of the line and exploded into the play. Touchdown, failed conversion, 18-7 Untouchabohs.
Defense wins championships. In a league like this everyone is expected to score every time. LFL rookies don’t remember the days of 26-28 losses, turnover-free games, and games lost because of failed conversions. Most also don’t remember the 1-7 season with 2 forfeits, the 3-5 season with 2 forfeits, or the 4-4 season where we lost on a touchdown with no time remaining after tying it with under a minute left on a 25-yard 2-pt conversion (due to a penalty). This game had already seen two turnovers and was about to see a third. With the QB scramble allowing yet another first down after mid-field, a heave on another forced-gender play fell incomplete and another turnover on downs gave the ball back to the Untouchabohs. With the tally standing at 18-7 in favor of the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, the ODB went into full-on execution mode and worked the clock like a teenager working second base for the first time in their lives.
Driving, completing passes, scrambling, and gaining first-downs, the offense was rhythmic and beautiful to watch. The wind, still wreaking havoc on the ball actually caused one of Hughes’ passes to violently move to the right, mid-flight, and with Layne adjusting to the ball, also removed the receiver’s shoe. With heckling from blue and orange players directed toward the handsome reciever’s golf socks, the receiver shrugged, and was about to have the last laugh. Running the same route, the receiver broke across the formation, right to left, and caught another rocket, placed in a better location this time, and got dirty for the final ‘Bohs touchdown of the game. The 10th-straight failed PAT left the score at 24-7.
The final drive of the game was aided by some generous calls by Referee Marshall who seems to have warmed to the Untouchabohs over the last two seasons. LFL-lovers may remember when her judgment in the playoffs cost the Untouchabohs a first down and essentially gave the game to the eventual LFL champions ‘Fear the Purple.’ Despite this fact, the referee seemed to want the other team to score an ego-boost and allowed them to drive down the field and score one more time. The conversion attempt left 33 seconds on the clock and the ‘Bohs allowed the clock to run down to secure their fifth victory of the season against zero losses.
Patterson High School Field #5 will be the showdown of the regular season as the Untouchabohs take on Chris Lee’s LMU Falcons (Team #125, Navy, 4-2). This game could be the season for the Untouchabohs. Currently, football playoffs are scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, 5 and 6 June 2010, respectively. This means that 32 teams would make the playoffs. IF KICKBALL playoffs are rained-out, then kickball would use the fields on the 5th of June and only EIGHT TEAMS will make the playoffs. If the Untouchabohs win-out, they are guaranteed a seed in the playoffs, but if they suffer a loss, their postseason dreams could be dashed like a Nightmare of Kane Street.
Fight hard, play with pride, what’s our name?! ‘Bohs!
Potpourri:
• Lambert, when asked at JD’s after the game about his coin tosses, was heard uttering, “Aren’t I a smart person? Doing good things, making say Yeah?”
• Lambert has won his 4th straight coin toss, and is 5 of 6 for the season;
• Mother’s day kept a lot of ‘Bohs from participating and hopefully a bigger squad will return for the very important game this week;
• Untouchabohs’ QBs have thrown 32 TDs and 1 INT;
• The ‘Bohs have failed on 10-straight conversions dating back two weeks;
• The offense was only stopped on conversions and because of halftime;
• Jonny ‘Fast’ Layne extended his modern-day LFL record and sullied himself for the 16th-straight game;
• Rivera will miss the game and will hopefully exorcise the phantoms that haunt him when he is running down the sidelines;
• The opponent played with an NFL-sized ball that was slipperier than a lubricated porcus (latin for ‘pig’);
• The ‘Bohs are 2-0 against teams that toss an NFL-sized football (Team #112, Irish Green)
(Aqua Iggy News) 9 May 2010 - Strategic strategery, a suffocating defense, a little love from the referee, and a methodical offense carried the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 5-0-1) over Andrew Porter's Christopher Walken's Warriors (Team #144, Royal Blue, 1-5) at the displaced Field #4 at Patterson High School in a 24-13 Mother's Day victory.
Facing sustained 25 mph winds swirling and changing directions more frequently than changing an infant's diaper, the direction of play would be key in avoiding a big, negative, play for the 'Bohs. Team #124 is lucky to have the fabled, dark-magic wielding, coach on their side. Winning the coin toss for the fourth-straight game, the gifted coach Tim 'Warlock' Lambert secured the ball for the ODB offense and used his mystical powers to secure the wind direction that the Untouchabohs coveted at the start of the game. 'The Warlock' has won 5 of 6 coin tosses, and in the singular loss, managed to use his powers to secure BOTH the wind direction and the ball to start on offense. Oh, ye Gods!
The initial possession began with a friendly game of 7-on-7 as both teams were short one female as the game started. Two 'Bohs were drawn to an adjacent field hosting another, and likely not as attractive, orange team like insects to a bright orange lamp. The reinforcements arrived in time to participate in the initial drive, characteristic of the ODB offense. The initial pass attempts is a short pass to a male, followed by a shovel to the waiting arms of the female. If you are new to the Less Filling League (LFL) of the BSSC, this ensures that the initial first down is obtained, and ensures that a 4th-and-1 Completion; Gender scenario is never reached. The drive, straight into a gusting wind, culminated in a touchdown to (WHO?) though the failed conversion left the lead at a meager 6-0 score.
The Orange Crush Defense of the Untouchabohs is a sight to see. Forcing turnovers at a clip of 62% of the opponents' drives (which includes stopping a team at the end of the first half for record-keeping purposes) is something unheard-of in the lore of the LFL. Granted, the opponents of this season's squad, currently 15-33 (0.313 winning %) is significantly lower than last seasons opponents (37-19; 0.661%). Facing the offense of Christopher Walken's Warriors (CWW henceforth) for the first time today brought out the best and the worst in the defense.
For the second-straight game the offense opposing the OCD of the 'Bohs faced a 4th-and-1 on the opening possession, and for the second-straight game the defense astutely took away the short, easy completion. Unfortunately, also for the second-straight game, the defense yielded a long completion to convert the completion and gain significant yardage toward the end zone. Ugly as that was, the best was yet to come. Facing 3rd-and-1 (Open) the CWW QB scanned the field and looked for an open, royal blue-clad receiver in the end zone. Finding a tall, lanky, drink of water open in the right side of the end zone, the lame-armed bandit heaved a tight spiral toward the receiver. The receiver, leaving his giant feet to grapple the NFL-sized football high above the ground, clasped the pass between two hands and was preparing to gently land for the score. Unfortunately for him, Will 'Night Train Lane' Gray was about to make a 'Gray't' play.
Exploding from his sound defensive possession inside of the receiver, also the initial reason the pass was high and outside in the first place, Gray erupted from his position in a way that would make an exploding star jealous and closed-in on the gangly giant. Leaping gracefully like a gazelle in his prime, Gray glided through the air to smack the ball from the receiver's hands at the pinnacle of its height. BSSCPN has automatically awarded Gray the 'Top-10 Play' #1 ranking for the week, and will consider bringing him in for the BSSCSPY Awards this summer. Perhaps one of the most explosive plays in years for the LFL. Almost as a side note, the secretive and deft Angelo Rivera deflected the subsequent 4th-and-Goal (Gender) pass down at the line through the referee didn't see it and the offense quickly moved onto the field before the challenge flag could be thrown by CWW. Turnover #1, 6-0 in favor of the 'Bohs.
The ensuing possession had a great deal more crisp offensive action than the 'Bohs have had during the previous two games. With Lindsay 'Leopard's' Spotts drawing the coverage of the opponent and the respect of teammates on forced gender plays, the offense moved methodically down the field with the rhythm of the Olympic rowing team. Passing, running, and managing the game, a touchdown was as imminnet as the sunset. Facing into the wind, two attempts failed at touchdowns until Jonny 'Secret Agent and Dirty Boy' Layne snatched a high, hard, pass out of the air like an osprey snatches an unwilling victim; angry and with authority. Failed conversion on a truly wind-blown attempt left the 'Bohs up 12-0 over the truly overmatched opponent.
This is an offensive league, even though defense wins championships, and the quick quarterback of CWW was on the move. The most effective plays of the day for offensive leader of this gangly group of so-called ‘Warriors’ occurred when a blitzer crossed the line and yards were gained with the QB scramble. That said, CWW moved down the field and got a touch lucky scoring their first touchdown of the day and a conversion to move the game to 12-7. Proving how important even one conversion may be, the game was now within five points of the trailing team and 53 seconds remained, the ‘Bohs heading into the teeth of a gusting wind.
A valiant effort on several completions put the ‘Bohs within striking distance of the end zone and only consumed one timeout. Unfortunately the defense stacked the end zone and Darian ‘Don’t Throw a Hot Dog in the Wind’ Asghari came open late in the play on the right hand side after the last attempt at a third, first-half, score fell incomplete.
The gender confusion played an important role in this contest of two well-dressed teams. On CWW’s initial possession, a deft knock-down by Rivera stopped a drive and forced a turnover on downs. On the ensuing ‘Bohs possession a pass intended for Spotts was inadvertently batted down by one of the five males with their hands in the air. With a short, petulant, weevil of a man on the royal blue squad saying that we owed it to them to decline the penalty (which is what the QB Hughes was going to do anyway), the sportsmanlike Untouchabohs declined the penalty. Ironically, for those who don’t know the rules (like CWW), if you accept the penalty it’s 5-yards and repeat gender, if you decline the penalty, gender is reset and the play becomes open. By following the weevil’s request, he doomed them to playing 7-on-8 again as opposed to 3-on-3. Further forced-gender issues would surface later in the game though Jessica Marshall (referee, and captain of a 6-0 team) would have none of it.
Opening the second-half with the ball, CWW faced a forced gender situation. With the ‘Bohs male defenders on the line, arms in the air, the lame-duck-throwing QB of CWW drilled Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert in the right pectoralis major and claimed that the pass was interfered-with. Knowing the rules, Jessica M. informed the offense that by purposefully striking a male defender below the shoulder is a penalty, repeat the gender, and move the ball back 5-yards. A scramble by the QB across the mid-line (for the only first-down of the drive) was followed by several heaves into the wind that looked more like an injured toddler being catapulted without rhyme-or-reason in a northwesterly direction. Another failed 4th-and-1 later, turnover on downs, ODB has the ball.
With advice from Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari, barking from the sideline, to continue to milk the clock, the ODB offense was keeping the pressure on the defense. Phantom forces were about to curse the Rivera for the second straight week. Taking a bubble screen off of the right side of the line, Rivera juked the initial defender so hard that his pride was left in the jetwash of the receiver’s afterburners. With only one defender remaining between Rivera and the end zone the game was on. Making another juke that caused Himalayan Monks to weep tears of resplendent joy, Rivera moved to his right and crossed the goal line. Unfortunately for Rivera, for the second straight game, phantom forces were at work and an inadvertent whistle called the play dead on the defensive side of the mid-line. Personally disappointing for the receiver, it did not haunt the ‘Bohs as they scored again on a beautifully-run route by Bruce ‘You Didn’t See That One Coming’ McMillion. Let it be known that Bruce had just run 6 routes previously by walking off of the line, and on this play, walked off of the line and exploded into the play. Touchdown, failed conversion, 18-7 Untouchabohs.
Defense wins championships. In a league like this everyone is expected to score every time. LFL rookies don’t remember the days of 26-28 losses, turnover-free games, and games lost because of failed conversions. Most also don’t remember the 1-7 season with 2 forfeits, the 3-5 season with 2 forfeits, or the 4-4 season where we lost on a touchdown with no time remaining after tying it with under a minute left on a 25-yard 2-pt conversion (due to a penalty). This game had already seen two turnovers and was about to see a third. With the QB scramble allowing yet another first down after mid-field, a heave on another forced-gender play fell incomplete and another turnover on downs gave the ball back to the Untouchabohs. With the tally standing at 18-7 in favor of the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, the ODB went into full-on execution mode and worked the clock like a teenager working second base for the first time in their lives.
Driving, completing passes, scrambling, and gaining first-downs, the offense was rhythmic and beautiful to watch. The wind, still wreaking havoc on the ball actually caused one of Hughes’ passes to violently move to the right, mid-flight, and with Layne adjusting to the ball, also removed the receiver’s shoe. With heckling from blue and orange players directed toward the handsome reciever’s golf socks, the receiver shrugged, and was about to have the last laugh. Running the same route, the receiver broke across the formation, right to left, and caught another rocket, placed in a better location this time, and got dirty for the final ‘Bohs touchdown of the game. The 10th-straight failed PAT left the score at 24-7.
The final drive of the game was aided by some generous calls by Referee Marshall who seems to have warmed to the Untouchabohs over the last two seasons. LFL-lovers may remember when her judgment in the playoffs cost the Untouchabohs a first down and essentially gave the game to the eventual LFL champions ‘Fear the Purple.’ Despite this fact, the referee seemed to want the other team to score an ego-boost and allowed them to drive down the field and score one more time. The conversion attempt left 33 seconds on the clock and the ‘Bohs allowed the clock to run down to secure their fifth victory of the season against zero losses.
Patterson High School Field #5 will be the showdown of the regular season as the Untouchabohs take on Chris Lee’s LMU Falcons (Team #125, Navy, 4-2). This game could be the season for the Untouchabohs. Currently, football playoffs are scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, 5 and 6 June 2010, respectively. This means that 32 teams would make the playoffs. IF KICKBALL playoffs are rained-out, then kickball would use the fields on the 5th of June and only EIGHT TEAMS will make the playoffs. If the Untouchabohs win-out, they are guaranteed a seed in the playoffs, but if they suffer a loss, their postseason dreams could be dashed like a Nightmare of Kane Street.
Fight hard, play with pride, what’s our name?! ‘Bohs!
Potpourri:
• Lambert, when asked at JD’s after the game about his coin tosses, was heard uttering, “Aren’t I a smart person? Doing good things, making say Yeah?”
• Lambert has won his 4th straight coin toss, and is 5 of 6 for the season;
• Mother’s day kept a lot of ‘Bohs from participating and hopefully a bigger squad will return for the very important game this week;
• Untouchabohs’ QBs have thrown 32 TDs and 1 INT;
• The ‘Bohs have failed on 10-straight conversions dating back two weeks;
• The offense was only stopped on conversions and because of halftime;
• Jonny ‘Fast’ Layne extended his modern-day LFL record and sullied himself for the 16th-straight game;
• Rivera will miss the game and will hopefully exorcise the phantoms that haunt him when he is running down the sidelines;
• The opponent played with an NFL-sized ball that was slipperier than a lubricated porcus (latin for ‘pig’);
• The ‘Bohs are 2-0 against teams that toss an NFL-sized football (Team #112, Irish Green)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Angry Monkeys Butchered by Sweltering ‘Bohs
Untouchabohs Enjoy Chilled Monkey Brains on Sweltering May Day
(Disassociated Press) 2 May 2010 – On a day where clothing should have been optional and air conditioning mandatory, the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 4-0-1) undressed Jim Carbo’s Angry Monkeys (Team #99, Irish Green, 2-3) on a desert-like field also known as Holabird 2 in Dundalk, Merlin.
Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert continued his reign of divine intervention by controlling unknown forces of the known universe to swindle both the ball AND the team’s preferred direction from the opponent. Oh Ye Gods, mess not with the Warlock.
The shadow of Donna’s Lounge was barely casting a shadow on the field, not only because it’s a one-story building, but because even the sun was exhausted due to the elevated Baltimore humidity. The opening drive, in fits and starts, moved the ball against the zone defense of Carbo’s ‘Monkeys with the ODB offense. Moving the ball appropriately for the initial completion series, quick short passes and always to a female on second-down, a few drops permeated the early going. Spreading the ball around, and forcing a few passes, the quarterback Hughes was so rusty that little flecks of oxidized (ferric) iron were spread around the field when he moved. Still, a forced-gender play on the scoring series of the first drive culminated in a touchdown to another female and put the score at 6-0. An overthrow to Kendall Crawford on the two-point PAT left the score at 6-0.
It was hot, so hot that Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari, team canine, barely uttered a peep as he nursed the large chunks of frozen water tossed his way. Still, the refreshing Orange Crush defense of the Untouchabohs was about to take the field. Forcing the Irish-Green Baboons into a 4th-and-mid with three straight incompletions, a defensive breakdown, and some ‘Luck of the Irish’ allowed an uncovered Monkey behind the defense for a long score. Going for, and gaining, the one-point PAT against the still-stunned Untouchabohs put the evil green asses ahead 7-6.
Milking the clock like a thirsty farmer milks a cow the ‘Bohs’ offense moved down the field again. A spectacular catch-and-run by Angelo Rivera on the left side combined with a horrific call by both the official and the line judge stopped the touchdown near the 10 yard line. The official appeared to be watching a game in a mythical, parallel, universe which is the only explanation for the litany of tackles he missed or phantom tackles that he called. As consolation to Rivera, the ‘phantom tackler’ actually confessed to missing the tackle and allowing a TD on a ‘great play.’ Alas, the Monkey’s phantom tackle could have been a changing point in the game as the ‘Bohs, forgetting that they were still on a completion series, faced a 4th-and-1 from the two-yard line. As Rivera broke across the back of the end zone, from north to south, Hughes spotted him but his throw to the uncovered receiver was high enough to pick a soaring eagle out of the sky. Turnover – still 7-6 in favor of the Monkeys.
Defense wins championships, and it preserved a win on the next possession. By now, the Untouchabohs’ tactics on game management have spurred discussion throughout the league regarding discipline and ingenuity. Unfortunately for Carbo’s squad, they continued to try to go deep often and left themselves with a 4th-and-mid with about 10 yards remaining. Darian ‘The Guy in the Red Shorts is Good’ Asghari applied consistent pressure in the game and brought the heat. Crossing the line with the ferocity of a fat kid after a Twinkie, Asghari pressured the QB. Tossing the ball meekly into the air, a swiftly closing Jake Brim snatched the ball from the intended receiver like an angry parent snatching a delicious lollipop from a snotty, arrogant, and undisciplined child. Interception, turnover, the ‘Bohs were about to roll.
The ODB offense of the ‘Bohs tried to keep the ball moving slowly down the field to give all of the players a rest on the defensive side of the ball. With a quick pass here and a short run there, here a pass, there a pass, everywhere a pass-pass, the ‘Bohs completions resembled the spread on Old MacDonald’s table after an evening of butchery.
The touchdown was scored on another forced gender play – to this point someone with a ‘Y’ chromosome had only scored one touchdown in the last 5 halves of play (Crawford) – and put the ‘Bohs up 12-7 though they were most assuredly playing down to their overmatched opponent. Another failed conversion kept the score at 12-7 but gave the opponent the ball with time to work.
The ensuing Monkey-drive was given the benefit of the doubt not one, not two, but at least three separate times on their way toward the end zone. The first farce-of-a-call involved Darian ‘Time Out’ Asghari who sacked the quarterback on a play that culminated, in the official’s eyes only, as a completion. Asghari, on the five-count, crossed the line and sacked the quarterback on a full-out dive. Unfortunately, the owners have overruled instant-replay in the BSSC LFL due to the fact that the games are not taped in any way, shape, or form. The referee, obviously delusional from heat-stroke, awarded Mr. Asghari with the equivalent of a BSSC yellow-card and requested he take a ‘time out.’ This re-ignighted the focus of the Orange Crush as the drive continued. Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert, on the next play, was speedily chasing a receiver who called to the QB for the ball. Only a few people could hear it, but in a gritty display of purpose, focus, and animalistic aggression, Lambert could be heard muttering, ‘throw the ball…throw it!’ The spiral left the QB’s hand toward the vocal receiver and Lambert showed tremendous closing speed. Breaking up the pass, with a near-interception, the attempt for a completion was foiled.
The drive continued as the official appeared to be adding seconds to the clock. With the male Asghari on the sideline, pressure was not applied at the five-count, and the quarterback of the offense had too much time to find an open receiver. The shiftiest of Monkeys caught a short pass and quckly knifed through the defense. Only a heroic, touchdown-saving tackle by Brim halted the runner with about 20 yards until the end zone. This is where the unfairness continued.
The play was blown-dead by the official, who took 20 seconds to explain that there were six-seconds remaining and asked the coach of the Irish Green squad if they wanted to use a timeout. Wait a dang minute here Mr. Official? Stopping the clock to see if the team with the ball wanted to stop the clock? Such tomfoolery is shunned by the football gods and despised by the vainglorious ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team. The forced-gender fell incomplete and a bullet had been dodged leaving the score at halftime in favor of the ‘Bohs, 12-7.
Alas, the defense roared its mighty roar and the offense found a rhythm in the second half. Forcing a turnover on downs on Team #99’s initial second half drive set the tone for the rest of the game.
A mixture of Monkey drives ended with turnovers and all of the Untouchabohs’ drives ended in touchdowns. Anastasia ‘Blue Devil’ Dolgovskij and Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari scored on successive drives toward the eastern end zone, joined by another passing TD by Hughes to Angelo Rivera (wide open again) on a scramble to assert dominance. Two more turnovers, featuring sickening defense by the swarming, and sweltering, Untouchabohs’ cornerbacks, kept the opponent off of the scoreboard while the ‘Bohs moved the lead to 18-7, 24-7, and 30-7.
A final turnover was followed by Keith Levin’s two beautiful touch passes to the significant-other combination of Aaron ‘The Franshise’ Warren and his sig-other Danielle ‘Fighting Irish’ Madison. One of the completions was as satisfying to watch as a post-coital cigarette as the ball, floating over the defense, required Warren to gracefully pirouette in the air and grasp the ball for his second completion of the game. The coup-de-gras was applied on the subsequent forced-gender pass to Madison, who gently cradled the Levin pass like one would catch raw eggs falling from the sky, and outran her Irish Green-wearing oompa-loompa all the way to the end zone. Failing to convert the PAT, the ‘Bohs didn’t convert one all game, left the score at 36-7 with the fourth TD of the second half.
A charity drive, manufactured by the official mostly, allowed the Monkeys to score and bring them ever closer to feeling good about themselves and close the gap by six. Final score, Untouchabohs 36, Angry Monkeys 13.
The Mother’s day clash of the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 4-0-1) and Christopher Walken’s Warriors (Team #144, Royal Blue, 1-4) will take place at Patterson High School #4 at 4 p.m. This is another must-win as one loss is potentially enough to keep a team from the playoffs. Facing a blue squad is of concern since the ‘Bohs historically struggle against teams of such hue. Alas, with the ‘Warlock’ calling the coin toss, and completions abound, the Untouchabohs will continue to assert their dominance and strive toward an undefeated season.
Potpourri:
- Lambert won his 4th coin toss in five attempts and secured either the ball or the direction of choice every single time, eerie;
- Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne set a modern-day record for getting dirty in his 15th straight game;
- Darian Asghari recorded two official sacks in the game (one other was negated by a blind official);
- Brim’s interception would have been accompanied by several more – the ‘Bohs’ hands were playing with the Monkey’s balls all afternoon;
- QBs have thrown 28 TDs to 1 INT this season;
- Emily’s cleats were shiny but post-game interviews may have uncovered that they look better than they feel (news at 11);
- The Untouchabohs have outscored opponents 189 to 69 (28 TDs to 11 TDs);
- Untouchabohs' offense has scored on 87% of possessions while the defense has allowed opponents to score on only 34% of possessions (That is Amazing!);
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Forces of Nature Take Heed as Untouchabohs Take Victory
Untouchabohs’ Females Continue to Score Against ‘Our Chicks Score’
(Disassociated Press) 18 April 2010 – With tax day come and gone, the swarming Untouchabohs’ defense conducted a taxation of the soul against their fourth opponent of the year, ‘Our Chicks Score.’ The Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 3-0-1) forced turnovers on four of seven drives to dishearten those rooting for Our Chicks Score (Team #112, Irish Green, 1-3) at high noon on Dundalk Community College Field #2.
Starting the game on a field that, let’s face it, seemed to be forever and one day away from everyone, Coach Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert unlocked his secret box of dark magic to win the coin toss for the third time in four games and give the Untouchabohs the ball. Amazing to witness, the one coin toss that Coach Lambert happened to lose this season, the Game 2 matchup against the Tummy Stick Enthusiasts, the ‘Bohs’ Lambert still managed to obtain both the ball and the preferred direction. Lesson here, do not mess with powers that one cannot comprehend – just be thankful that he is on your side…
Coach Lambert Bringing the Black Magic in 2008
Driving down the field against a worthy adversary brings out the best in the Untouchabohs, as these two teams have met twice before; Patterson High School Field #3 in the Spring of 2008 (Orange) and again in Game 2 of the playoffs in Fall 2009 (Daisy). The teams have metamorphosed since then and came into the game with the series tied at 1-1. Alas, the football gods have blessed the ‘Bohs with superior talent and a control of the game and tossed short completions, ran the ball, and ran crisp routes to score the first TD of the game. Despite the wind, which was naughtily playing with the ball, the passes were caught during the drive, and one more for a conversion, to put the glorious ‘Bohs up 8-0.
The Orange Crush defense of the 70’s Denver Broncos is new and improved, and has been reincarnated as the man-to-man defense of the 2010 Untouchabohs. The ‘Bohs defense sensed blood in the water like a vicious shark preparing for a feeding frenzy as they faced a quarterback who melted-down in the playoff game less than six months prior. Kind as a bystander, and cocky as a quarterback, he previously made the mistake of confiding in the ‘Bohs QB Hughes during their Game 1 thrashing of STM that he hates man-to-man defense. Ask and ye shall receive; we’re bringing the pain…
By violating an immutable law of the LFL (the ‘Less Filling League’ of the BSSC) and ‘Throwing a Hot Dog in the Wind,’ Luke angered the gods. As if that were not enough to doom his team, he continued to tempt fate as he failed to satisfy his teams’ initial completion series. Panicking as Darian ‘I’ma gonna SACK ya’ Asghari repeatedly applied pressure, the Untouchabohs’ defense tightened like the veins of a lifetime salt addict and forced a turnover on downs. Queue the feeding frenzy…NOW.
The second ‘Bohs drive was a little sloppy; perhaps due to the surprise at being on the field so quickly, or the gale-force winds that were wreaking havoc on the ball. Regardless, the ‘Bohs mustered their composure while driving toward the northeast end zone and found a wiiiiiiiiiide-open Lexi ‘Special’ K. in the left corner of the end zone. A peeved self-declared ‘All-World’ QB for the Irish Green-clad opponent was heard muttering, ‘can someone pick a corner and stay there?!’ Angelo ‘Long Ball’ Rivera bailed out the QB Hughes by picking a sailing ball from between four defensive hands for the conversion to drive the score to 16-0 in favor of your playmaking protagonists.
Our Chicks Score began their second drive of the game by shortening their routes at first then trying to stretch the defense deep. Unfortunately for the feeble-minded football-thrower of OCS, his passes found the ground more quickly than a satellite plummeting from orbit. The most productive offensive play of the game occurred on this drive as OCS, sending everyone deep, cleared out the Orange Crush of the ‘Bohs and lumbered, like a man dragging a cart full of sundry items behind him close to the midline. One long prayer later, down the center of the field and clearly aided by the wind, OCS broke the plane of the goaline for their first TD of the game. A defensively-forced incompletion on the conversion left the score at 16-6.
Following the pride-filled drive by OCS to produce their first points of the game was a drive filled with importance. Slip-up here and you give the opponent an opening, score a TD and you gently place your foot on the throat and slowly apply pressure like Darth Vader to the Empire’s minion. Guess which option your Baltimore Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, chose… that would be Option #2.
Driving down the field with a determination that would make an extremely vicious Tyrannosaurus Rex proud, the ‘Bohs completed passes, ran the ball, and made defenders miss on their way to crossing the goaline for the third time in the half. Another conversion, the third in three tries thus far, gave the Untouchabohs a somewhat demoralizing 24-6 lead. With just a few minutes to play, though, OCS had a chance to bring the game within one TD and receive the ball to begin the second half.
Luke, the volatile QB, began the drive with not much time, and with a fleeting sense of discipline and composure, yelled at everyone on his team for not making enough catches. This non-inspiring move backfired on the QB with an ever-expanding ego as the final pass of the half fell incomplete, knocked down by Will ‘Shutdown’ Gray, and kept the score at 24-6.
Halftime brought more reinforcements, as Jake ‘All I saw were cars with softball stickers’ Brim arrived with a sheepish grin fueled by the relief that his teammates had essentially squashed the opponents in the first half. The Untouchabohs’ sheer good looks and rampant athleticism (not to mention humble nature) aided the tardy Brim in identifying his waiting teammates from afar. With a second Orange-clad team on the adjacent field his options could have been two-fold, but the athletic silhouettes against the Dundalk sky on the lower field guided him to the correct field like navigators utilizing the North Star.
The OCS drive of the second half was the most successful of the day for either team. Ironically, not having a sense of urgency actually helped the ‘Bohs, who wanted to work off a lot of clock anyway to keep the game out of reach and keep the defense agitated, angry, and aggressive. That said, OCS drove down the field in fits and starts against the defense and somehow managed to score. A failed conversion moved the game to 24-12.
The ‘Bohs’ first drive of the second half was reminiscent of a monkey attempting, unsuccessfully, to become intimate with a football for QB Hughes. Barely completing the initial two passes on the completion series the distributor of the football underthrew a wide-open Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin to the right side, then missed left on a toss to Kendall ‘That’s MY Ball’ Crawford, before, on fourth-and-mid (That’s a no-NO), completely overthrowing an uncovered Levin across the midline. It was a disappointing state of affairs for the QB who pleaded for the defense to pick him up.
Defense wins championships – if you can’t score you can’t win – and the Untouchabohs take a great deal of pride in savagely attacking the opponent’s football like a hungry Hughes after Reeces’ Pieces Mini-Easter Eggs. The defense, a symbol of malevolent tyranny for over two seasons now, only allowed a single completion to OCS receivers in four attempts. The desperate attempt on 4th-and-1 (open) was batted down like Dwight Howard playing your mother in a game of 1-on-1 by Will ‘Shutdown’ Gray. Ball back, pride intact, it was time for the offense to take the reins and stomp on some faces.
Tossing passes, feigning runs, and running, the ‘Bohs did what they needed to do. On the completion series, there were shuffle passes to a male followed by a female to convert. This was followed by another short pass to move the offense toward the midline. On second-and-mid, Hughes felt tired but a bit frisky, and rolled to his left to fake the run. As he directed receivers to run deeper routes, the defense turned their backs to the overweight Hughes (think Chunk from The Goonies) who pump-faked the gentlemanly defender that uses Just for Men – Touch of Gray (and crossed the line early, by the way) into the air… ducking beneath his attempted tackle, the QB tip-toed along the left sideline before quickly cutting upfield for the first down. Two more short completions, the first to a male and the second to a female (our Mantra if you will) produced the third first-down of the game and put the Untouchabohs into a key Scoring Series. As important as it was, third down produced a TD to a wiiiiiide open Crawford for the six points. A subsequent conversion put the sexy back into the ‘Bohs and pushed the lead to 32-12.
What ended up being the final scoring drive of the day for OCS was nothing special for the offense, but the conversion brought a beautiful play to light on the defense. With OCS having just collected their third TD of the day a play earlier, the offense attempted to toss the ball to a tall, blonde, drink of water on the right side of the end zone. The OCS QB, not paying attention to the win, failed to note that the ball would sail in that direction and tossed an errant pass to his right. Attempting to catch the ball, the OCS receiver bobbled it, almost caught it behind his back, before Gray dove and pulled it off of the hand of the receiver for the interception. BSSCPN Top 10… wow.
The last drive for the Offense is Defense; B. (ODB) offense of the Untouchabohs – a smash-mouth version of a finesse offense – didn’t last very long. Immediately after crossing the mid-line and faced with a forced gender, Our Chicks Score watched as our chicks scored again (and again, and again). With females collecting 4 (out of 4) TD’s in last week’s disgusting tie, the FemBohs scored four of the first five TDs of the day. Anastasia ‘Blue Devil’ Dolgovskij ran a crossing route from right-to-left and collected a gently-lofted pass from Hughes near the left sideline. Cutting upfield, and despite the attempts of several OCS guys off of the line, A ‘BD’ D beat everyone to the goaline for the coup de gras. The conversion, a mockery of the typically successful ‘Flood Left’ play of years past, didn’t work as too many people were in a small space and the defender batted-down the attempt. The ensuing drive was essentially called-off and the final whistle blew: Untouchabohs 38: Our Chicks Score 18.
The Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 3-0-1) take on Glen Jackson’s Catching Touchdowns and Making Babies (Team #119, Lime, 1-3) on Sunday 25 April 2010 at 3:00 pm. We will need a line judge present at 2:00 so please ensure someone shows up. Go ‘Bohs!
Potpourri:
• Washing the balls of the team helped the receivers as the only incompletions resulted from errant passes;
• The ‘Bohs scored 10 points on conversions alone in a 20 point win (amazing);
• The team with which we tied last week lost on Sunday (giving us an edge);
• On the season, the ‘Bohs have converted 68.2% (15/22) of conversions and allowed 11% (1/9);
• Average margin of victory for the Spring of 2010 is 24 points per game;
• The ‘Bohs have 22 TDs and 1 INT for the season;
• Lambert obtained the ball to start the game for the fourth-straight game (don’t cross him!);
• JD’s is a wonderful place to enjoy company after a game (since the game is at the park, let’s plan on an early dinner together at JDs on the 25th – try to make it);
• Great work everyone – what a great group of people!
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