Yikes, that’s just soooooo wrong….
(Aqua Iggy News) 18 November 2009 – A petulant whore of a nor’easter swept through the region last weekend and precluded the Untouchabohs from losing their playoff virginity. The Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 7-1) will, however, take the field against the intense Hungover By Halftime (Team #115, Irish Green, 6-2) at 9:45 am this Saturday, 21 November 2009 at Patterson High School #4.
The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, utilize an amazing and unique form of the spread offense that not only places increased pressure on the defense but also milks the clock the way that Gaylord Focker milks a cat. The Untouchabohs’ hectic and uncoordinated routes perpetually confuse both the zone defenders as well as ‘Bohs’ quarterback Adrian ‘Aqua Iggy’ Hughes, V while stretching the opponent’s zone like saran wrap over a balance ball.
Based in Baltimore, MD, the ‘Bohs carry the grit of their blue-collar town while gracing the field with such elegance that, as stated in previous columns, may cause Himalayan Monks to shed tears of euphoria. This juxtaposition of styles bodes well for the ‘Bohs, managed by Timothy ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert, who have shown great character in the muddy, foggy, and rainy conditions that are seasonal at their home latitude (39.2884 N) and longitude (76.5795 West). Wearing a badge of pride when referred-to as ‘mudders,’ the Untouchabohs’ have matured to wearing cleats in sloppy conditions, and they never thrown a ‘Hot Dog in the Rain.’
Great moments have filled the ‘Bohs stocking long before Santa has time to spin the Driedl and light the Kinara around the Festivus pole. Neel ‘Cowboys’ Gulhar had perhaps the most amazing game in which he actually caught a ball while sliding, backwards and sideways, one-handed, against his face – though he caused a great deal of hilarity when he dropped a game-clinching pass in the right corner of the end zone later in the same game. The season also included a finger-tip, tightrope walking, toe-tapping catch against the sideline of LK#2 by Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari who just recently began wearing cleats… look out everyone! Two games this season had momentous momentum shifts when Chris ‘Full’ Nelson intercepted the quarterback in the first halves of games that the ‘Bohs ultimately won. The stories continue, but they will be revisited during post-game happy hour at the Untouchabohs’ favorite watering hole, JD’s!
Focus has been on display in great quantities and immense intensities during the grind of the BSSC football season. Unlike the great black explosion of 2008 when the ‘Bohs were molested by a malevolent Satan of a referee at Patterson High Field #4, this version of the Untouchabohs displays great character. Dynastic victories have come from the ashes of defeat like the Phoenix rising from its own wreckage. Trying times forged a focus so intense that NASA physicists have recalibrated the Hubble to focus more like the Untouchabohs. Mettle and grit were exuded in such copious quantities that you could polish granite with the Untouchabohs’ exterior. They are a truly fascinating team to be around.
Defense wins championships, and in order to keep the pleasurable playoff experience percolating beyond their initial game the Untouchabohs’ will need to play defense like a swarm of killer bees that’ve sited their unfortunate prey. Attacking after the initial wash will be crucial for SS Darian ‘I won’t lose my cool this week because I’ll be ejected and the team will need to play 7-on-8 for the remainder of the game’ Asghari (Formerly Darian ‘T.O.’ Asghari, soon to be Darian ‘Ghandi’ Asghari) to storm the unwitting HbyH quarterback just after the 5-count.
The Playoff Experience that will be gleaned from this weekend will surely bring glory to the vainglorious Untouchabohs who failed to put the brakes on a 50-22 win that could have easily been 62-22 – a certifieable butt-whipping over a hapless opponent who faced the same attendance issues of ‘Bohs’ past. They will surely miss those who cannot attend due to a Redskins’ game, moving out-of-state, and even to H1N1. Hopefully key contributions will be made by Stephanie ‘Biscotti’ Binetti, Kendall ‘Ed Reed’ Crawford, and Lindsey ‘Leopards’ Spotts.
The dynastically-blessed Untouchabohs’ irrepressible grit, magnificent guile, and uncontainable pride will surely guide your cunning heroes to victory. Go ‘Bohs!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
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