Disassociated Press (27 March 2011) – Not one person mentioned the dropped passes from a week prior. It would have been as if one muttered something so unspeakable that a lightning bolt would immediately strike if that word had passed through someone’s lips. Everyone knew what had happened the week before, and it fueled an engine that burned hot with the hatred of ‘what could have been.’ It was only fitting that this weeks opponent wore black – the color of mourning – as they were about to mourn their very birth. The Untouchabohs (Team #147, Red, 1-0-1) resoundingly spanked The Kings and Queens (Team #153, Black, 1-1-0) so thoroughly that misbehaving children around the world paid homage by spending one hour behaving.
A brisk day brought high winds that would require mettle, awareness, and strong throws from the eventual victors in a clash of the BSSC’s Less Filling League (LFL) teams that had not one loss between them. The ‘Bohs knew they faced an unbeaten team for the second week in a row and knew that they had mettle, awareness, and a strong-armed quarterback who hates goals but loves touchdowns. The awareness of the wind conditions strongly favored the ‘Bohs, who utilize an appropriately-sized football on offense and, on defense, cover short into the wind and long with the wind. The Kings and Queens (henceforth known as KQs) were throwing what All-BSSC safety Darian ‘Ed Reed Learns From Me’ Asghari labels a ‘Hot-Dog’ (oversized football for the level of competition) in the form of a full-size NFL football. The first half would bear out how the details affect the outcome of a game of such magnitude.
With the ‘Bohs winning the ball and the wind to start the game, the ODB offense moved the ball a touch more aggressively than in games past. Facing a zone so soft that melting butter appeared impenetrable, Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert caught a 20-yard out in front of the midline cone with scant a defender around. Aided by the last minute audible that took Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne deep down the seam, and therefore occupying the safety on the weak side of the field, Gilbert was left free to work his magic. Facing second-and-one from near the mid-line, an errant pass by the QB Hughes brought up third-and-one forced gender. After another horrible pass to start the game, and now facing the DREADED fourth down (which is not allowed in the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs) Hughes took advantage of a strange shift in the defense to a man-ish D, called for the flood left, waited for the defender on the line to leave with the center, and knew that the first down would be in favor of the ‘Bohs. Sprinting to his right, a relative term for the 235-pound QB, Hughes picked up the first down and decent yardage without having to risk a ball hitting the ground. A key grab by Amber ‘I cut so hard your ankles break’ Free on the second forced-gender of the drive set up the ‘Bohs in the heart of the red zone. Only a few plays later, the ‘Bohs converted a game-opening touchdown to take the lead, 6-0.
Defense wins championships, especially in the LFL where teams are expected to score on every possession. Calamity was about to strike the KQs, like a super-heated lahar (volcanically-heated mudflow) attacking Seattle, when their opening drive of the game culminated in a failed fourth-down conversion. Knowing that a two-score lead is almost insurmountable the ODB offense was frothing at the mouth in anticipation of exorcising the drop-demons that haunted their dreams all week. Using the dark magic that Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert routinely uses to coax the opponent to fail the opening coin toss, the ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, used the black magic to convert dropped passes into touchdowns akin to alchemists attempting to turn other alloys into gold. Short drive, touchdown to Layne on ‘the play,’ 12-0 lead. Though the Untouchabohs failed their second conversion of the game, confidence was beginning to build like tectonic stresses between two colliding plates.
The subsequent KQs’ drive had something of a rhythm for the first time all game. This team, unlike last week’s, had a red-haired kid who made an amazing on-his-back-falling-to-the-ground-snag-of-the-ball-over-his-head snare AND a blonde ponytailed terror who looked to be this week’s version of LBH (See 3/20/2011) and were therefore not a one-trick-pony. After a few conversions, a run, and crossing the midline, catastrophe was about to strike – and it was all the KQs’ QB’s fault. It needs be stated that ‘Throwing a hot dog in the rain’ is an immutable law… and it also applies to high winds. A larger ball has increased surface area that is disproportionate to mass, and therefore the wind affects a larger ball greater than a smaller ball, when thrown imperfectly. Additionally, the ‘Bohs put Lexi ‘Lexicon of Defense’ K. on the ‘Ponytail’ on a third-and-goal forced gender. It was stated earlier that mettle, awareness, and a strong-armed QB will determine the victor. Awareness, or a lack of awareness, was about to strike in the form of a bad pass. The KQs’ QB, seeing the Ponytail run to the left side of the end zone, put too much touch on a pass that was into a quartering wind, resulting in a ball that was going to fall short of its intended target. True as physics, the ball was short, and Lexi, fighting for position against the oversized Ponytail, turned at the last second and snared the ball from the air like an eagle snares fish from water. Turnover on the one-inch line, ODB back on the field.
Immediately violating the tenets of the ODB, the ‘Bohs’ QB called for Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert to drive deep for a full-field touchdown despite knowing that completions are necessary to gain room and prevent a possible safety. Despite throwing the best football of his life, Hughes watched the deep spiral fall incomplete and subsequently received an appropriate, if not G-rated, earful from Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren who serves as the Sherriff of the Immutable Laws of the Untouchabohs. The deep-ball-demon being exorcised, the ‘Bohs ran the ODB to perfection and had a third-and-midline with about 10 yards to gain. After completing the pass, the QB Hughes saw Keith ‘I told you NOT to call me Klevin’ Levin 20 yards past the deepest KQs player. Despite the goal of working the clock, passing up an opportunity for an easy TD is too much to ignore, and a deep play was dialed-up. Two run-fakes by Hughes drew all of the defenders toward the line – effectively play-action passing without anyone else in the backfield – and Levin was again so open that it appeared he left the line of scrimmage donning a cloak-of-invisibility. Thirty yards later, a touch pass, rare in ‘Bohs lore prior to this season, found its way into the waiting arms of the now-visible receiver who sprinted the final yardage into the endzone. Touchdown, 18-0, Untouchabohs. An absolutely beautiful dive by Kendall ‘I told you that’s MY ball’ Crawford completed the first 2-point-conversion of the day to extend the lead to 20-0.
This timeout from your reading is brought to you by the perfect example of the ODB offense and why it is run as it is run. Since the ‘Bohs scored quickly, there was about four minutes to go in the first half. If the ODB had been run to maximize time running off of the clock, the ‘Bohs would have scored with approximately one-minute remaining… and there would have been little chance of the KQs scoring. Additionally, the KQs will start the second half with the ball. So, despite gaining a 20-0 lead, giving the opponent a plethora of time to score at the end of the half is a big no-no because the 20-0 lead could be cut to 20-8, then, if they scored to start the second half, the lead could be cut further to 20-16. If the ODB is run perfectly, then the opponent has virtually no time to score at the end of the half, and running the offense prevents the other team from scoring, and is THEREFORE a form of defense! Hence, the ODB offense! That said, the ‘Bohs were now going to need to play stout defense to prevent a momentum-shifting score, though they would be aided by the wind yet again.
Driving down the field and making it happen quickly, the strong-armed QB of the black-clad opponent was finding crossing routes open – mainly due to the hand-checking, picks, and naughty play of the other receivers who were generally covered like asphalt covers roads. They appeared to know that they were overmatched, but more on that to follow. Driving down the field, and using both of their timeouts efficiently, the KQs found themselves with a second-and-goal from about 20 yards out. Again, awareness was not on the side of the opponent as they again failed to recognize the effect of the wind on a pass to the left corner of the end zone. Despite a ‘Bohs’ defender slipping, and therefore allowing a KQ receiver to become open on the left side of the end zone, a timely blitz by Levin forced the QB to rush his throw. Again, failing to learn from his mistakes, the ball dipped as it was thrown into a quartering wind, and was too low to be seized despite the diving effort by the KQs receiver.
Since the clock does not stop during the first half for ANY reason (incompletes, out-of-bounds), the clock expired and the 20-0 lead in favor of the Untouchabohs remained intact.
Halftime is a wonderful time for introspection, delight, rehydration, and getting yelled at by the official. For reasons only known by Mike, the semi-pro baseball-playing BSSC referee, Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert was called out. Nobody knows the exact reason, and it will never be muttered or expounded upon, but sources state it had something to do with the dirty play of the team who knew that they were hanging on by a thread. If only they knew. The ‘Bohs know how to close.
The Kings and Queens opened the second half with an impressive drive in a game where you should score every possession. Taking the ball down and scoring for the first time all day, the score was now 20-6 with the conversion attempt. With the defense swarming like bees swarming that insidious Honey Badger of Youtube lore, the pass fell incomplete and the ‘Bohs defense prevented their fourth-consecutive conversion attempt of the season.
Feeling confidence originating from their first score of the game, the call was made on the sideline that, since they felt they can simply match-up man-to-man with the Untouchabohs, that they would get the ball back and make a game of it. Sorry Colonel Sanders, you’re wrong, Mama’s right, and that logic proves that there’s something wrong with your medulla oblongata. The Kings and Queens’ castle was about to be besieged by a torrent of prideful yet humble, athletic, highly intelligent, frustrated, and ever-confident Untouchabohs. The castle walls were about to crumble…
The remainder of the game was a whirlwind of big plays and execution. The ball never touched the ground during the ensuing drive by the ‘Bohs, which culminated in a touchdown and extended the lead to 26-6. Of note, the opponent watched the QB Hughes say something to Michael ‘Hey New Guy, Off the Field!’ Ventura… and the KQs followed this age-old BSSC ploy like a rabbit after a carrot. As Ventura, a welcome and last-minute addition to the team entered the end zone, more than HALF of the defenders followed him to the right side of the end zone. Sad for them, since Will ‘Ed Reed the Engineer’ Gray found a cavernous hole in the center of the field for the rifle completion to seal the conversion. 28-6, Untouchabohs.
The ensuing KQs possession started fine, but ended, well, terribly. The ‘Bohs knew that they would be pushing the ball deep, and it was only a matter of time before the QB, again, throwing a hot-dog in the wind, would err again. With a pass intended for an unnamed, overmatched, AND covered receiver, Wes ‘Webb’ Gilbert baited the QB and in a spectacular plant-pivot-leap snatched the ball from the air like a snake snatches eggs from a nest and broke the KQs’ QB’s heart. Turnover, 99% of the field to go again.
With the spirit of the opponent broken, the ‘Bohs scored again and, calling off the dogs, moved to one-point conversion tries from here on out. After scoring on another touchdown to take a 34-6 lead, the failed conversion to Megan ‘My last name is only somewhat phonetic’ Tschoepe – the second terrible pass to her in a row – kept the score an even number which made bookies in Vegas concerned that the ‘Bohs wouldn’t cover the 29-point spread. Fear-not illegal takers of bets!
With their souls broken like fallen angels from the sky in those terrible Axe commercials, the Princesses (demoted from the ranks of Kings and/or Queens) were unable to muster a scoring drive and turned the ball over on downs. Sadness overtook the now-mourning team as humorous quips were non-existent on the sidelines. As the clutches of the Untouchabohs gripped ever-tighter on the throats of the Princesses, like a boa constrictor squeezing the life forces from a hapless victim and future meal, the clock was worked slowly and deliberately by the ODB. Mercy struck in the form of a touchdown to Keith ‘Not Klevin’ Levin on the highly successful hitch route and extended the football equivalent of a massacre to 40-6 and, for the time being anyway, covered the spread in Las Vegas. A REALLY deep one-point conversion on the exact same route to Levin pushed the lead by the ‘Bohs to 41-6. But wait, there’s more!
The safety position had been in a state of flux all game as the incumbent All-BSSC safety, Darian ‘The guy in the red shorts is good’ Asghari, who, ironically, wears some very nicely fitting black shorts with white speed stripes, did not make the game. In general, play was satisfactory, and only one ‘big’ play was yielded to the opponent. It should also be stated that on Wes ‘Webb’ Gilbert’s interception, Levin had the receiver covered deep, so the QB heaving the hot-dog ultimately threw into double coverage. Bad move on his part. This drive, Kendall ‘That’s MY Ball’ Crawford got the opportunity to play free safety and continued his stellar play. The KQs’ QB, his confidence shattered like a glass table in a Steven Segal movie, continued trying to drive for a confidence-boosting score during garbage time only to have his remaining manhood stripped like floor-stripper on linoleum. Taking a few steps back and surveying the field, the black-clad QB threw a wind-aided rocket to a receiver running a crossing route. Closing in on the ball like a red rocket of epic proportions, the latest iteration of ‘Bohs safety-of-the-minute Crawford snatched the ball from the clutches of the evil KQs’ receiver, like an alligator snatches puppies, for the ‘Bohs third pick of the game. Oh Ye Gods! Crawford returned the ball near the opponent’s 20 yard line and the new-look ODB took over. But wait, there’s more!
The final drive of the game culminated with Gilbert taking over for Hughes at QB who, in turn, played receiver and actually logged a rare reception. The drive culminated in a touchdown and conversion (one point of course) to finish the annihilation and culminate the scoring at 48-6. Those who bore witness to this even know that ‘Bohs team with a chip on their shoulder is a team more dangerous and powerful than your wildest imagination. Brimming with the confidence built from the come-from-behind tie in game 1, while also fueled by the hatred for ‘what could have been,’ is a concoction that produces a talented team fueled by passion. No matter the score, no matter the opponent, the Untouchabohs are never out of a game. When they arrive, all others shall take heed…
Next up for the Untouchabohs is their third straight undefeated team in as many weeks as they take on The Bomber Brigade (Team #144, Orange, 2-0) at Patterson Park Field #1 at 4:00. This is a team who played in the advanced BSSC Tastes Great League (TGL) last season and had five wins, so a test may be just a few short days away for your vainglorious ‘Bohs.
Potpourri:
- The defense has yet to record a sack this season after six by the male Asghari last fall;
- The previous season sack record for the ‘Bohs was two;
- Conversions for the ‘Bohs are moving at a 70% clip this season versus 0% for opponents;
- In their last 5 games the ‘Bohs are averaging 75% conversions versus 20% in the 13 games prior;
- ‘Bohs’ QBs have tossed 10 touchdowns and 1 lone interception versus 4:3 for opponents; and
- The Untouchabohs’ 2011 Spring Defense desperately needs a nickname… perhaps ‘Bleed’ will suffice (for those that remember Lambert’s mid-game cheer…).
