O’s and ‘Bohs Synergistic in Name Only

(Aqua Iggy News) 8 April 2010 – Clad in orange, playing in Baltimore in the spring, and enjoying the unseasonably beautiful weather. These similarities may make you wonder if the Baltimore Orioles and the Baltimore Untouchabohs are pretty much birds of a feather… but you would be DEAD WRONG. The apparent likeness between the Baltimore Orioles and the Baltimore Untouchabohs are truly only uniform-deep.

The surficial similarities between last season’s ‘Bohs (Team #130, Purple, 7-1) and the Baltimore Ravens (Team #7, Purple, 9-7) appeared more than just coincidental after each team started the season 3-0. Fantasy gave way to reality as the ‘Bohs kept defeating stout competition and the Ravens suffered a mid-season swoon. Oh ye Gods, how thou taunteth thee.

Unfortunately for the professional version of the aforementioned Baltimore sports team (the O’s, Hon!), they haven’t had a winning season since 1997. Yup, that’s the same 1997 that yielded children that are now graduating from high school (pending academic eligibility) this year. The same children that were biologically produced as Ravens fans and have had a professional football team their entire lifetime. Though Cleveland, OH is the ‘Mistake by the Lake’ the Peter Angelos-owned Orioles are becoming the ‘Losing Way by the Cheseapeake Bay.’ The most successful Major League Baseball franchise from 1966 through 1984, yup, a dynasty, has given way to a dynasty of another kind.

But Alas! There’s hope! Hope comes in many forms, and this spring hope arrives in the form of the Baltimore Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 2-0). Orange-clad in uniform, but sporting hearts of sheer blackness, work-week aggression and pain are torrentially unleashed on a variety of Less Filling League (LFL) opponents. This true lack of similarity between teams is important as this lack of a scientific connection between the poorly-run O’s and the well-run ‘Bohs prevents the Orioles from providing a harbinger of doom on the ‘Bohs promising season.

The Untochabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, will need to wrangle their focus like a cowboy wrangling a calf in order to defeat the undefeated The Grapes of Wrath (Team #111, Purple, 2-0). Kristen Greene’s team made it to the playoffs last season as another purple-clad 5-3 team but posted victories in the first three rounds prior to being defeated by 2009 Fall LFL Champion Jerry Knauer’s Fear The Purple (Team #38, Purple, 2-0).

Your ‘Bohs will host an almost full cast of players this week at Patterson High Field #4 despite the absences of Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren and Lexi ‘Special’ K., and the unknown status of newcomer Emily Burke & Kendall Crawford. Adding talent, looks, and depth to an already talented and beautiful cast of characters will be Jacob Brim & Anastasia ‘Finger’ Dolgovskij. Also back at full strength will be Susan Kettlewell, returning from the religious bye-week strong after an illness kept her from participating in the squashing of the overmatched Tummy Stick Enthusiasts on Holabird Two.

Hopefully the ‘Bohs will be able to inspire the Orioles to win on Opening Day the way that Ben Roethlisberger is inspired by the leftovers from Under 21, Female Only, Flip-Cup Tournaments….