Untouchabohs Display Grit, Guile, and Guts in Come-From Behind VICTORY

Nelson Seals Deal in 34-28 Victory

(Aqua Iggy News) 10 October 2009 – Two BSSC 3rd-league titans collided today at Lou Karpouzie Field #2 (LK #2) in a game marred by horrendous officiating, a spitting rain, traffic complications, and an ugly opponent as the glorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 4-1) upended the overconfident Charm City Blitz (Team #105, Light Blue, 4-1).

Starting 7-on-8 due to the marathon-related traffic issues your Untouchabohs used a ton of clock to get a 4th-and-Mid about 5 yards from the line-of-gain. The quarterback Hughes, faking a pass to the right, sprinted (truffle-shuffle) left and crossed the midline with the ball and was THEN tagged by a dim-witted defender on the Pansy Blues. But wait, there’s more! The high-pitched sideline judge, high on the fumes emanating from his stinky feet and obviously intoxicated, said that the ball and not the whole body of the quarterback crossed the midline - which is a turnover – and the Pansies have the edge. Quick acting by Chris ‘Full’ Nelson and the newly-married (Congrats Will!) Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray kept the animalistically-crazed Hughes in check as he was extremely close to throwing the football through the Sputnik-sized noggin of the Forrest Gump-like referee.

Charm City Blitz quickly drove down the field on the intensified ‘Bohs to score and convert a two-pointer and go up 7-0 after the turnover. This tragic tomfoolery served to focus the talented ‘Bohs who were gaining reserves, and momentum, by the moment as the Asgharis, Biscotti Binetti, and Lexi K. arrived sporadically through the first half. The Untouchabohs, on high alert, drove down the field with a purpose to bring the score to 6-7. It should be noted that the Pansies attempt to unravel the opponent’s character by audibly ‘slapping’ their hands on the ball carriers and bruising team members. Shame, since the Untouchabohs are a team with such high character that foreign countries send diplomats to ‘Bohs games to observe superior sportsmanship. With character peaking and momentum building the tides were turning in a glorious way.

Defense wins championships and there are two ways to play defense in this league. The first is by controlling the clock when on offense and managing down, distance, and gender. Here, second year-quarterback Hughes seems to have finally figured it out though he is aided by the most athletic receiving corps in the BSSCXSLF (no, that’s not a roman numeral) league. The second is by playing a well-coordinated man-to-man defense with shut down players. It was on this defensive stop-of-destiny that Chris ‘Shutdown’ Nelson (fueled by ethanol) ripped the semi-inflated composite leather (no pigskin here) out of the hands of the opponent for a game changing interception.

The Untouchabohs controlled the clock to drive down the field and score a crucial TD to bring it to 12-7. Several amazing catches were made; the best was a highly contested, sideline-hugging, tightrope –walking reception by the female Asghari that will be retired as one of the BSSCPN Top 100 plays of all time. The length of this drive was vital since the Pansy Blue, who thought they were better than they were despite coming into the game with four wins against teams with a combined 4-12 record. They lost their cool and allowed time to expire in the first half without scoring again. Defense wins championships and the Untouchabohs were in the lead.

Halftime brought an unexpected environmental lesson from the Geologist regarding the origin of the field name and factoids about the adjacent property. The field, named after a Baltimore gentleman/roughneck who was the manager of the city’s Department of Special Events and spent off-hours feeding the poor and hungry in Patterson High School’s cafeteria, also sits adjacent to a highly-contaminated superfund site in Baltimore. That ‘driving range’ you can view is actually a cap over a leaky landfill that has contributed a 2.5 mile plume of chlorinated solvents to the east and south under several city neighborhoods.

The aggressive and tactless taggers drove down to score on the first possession of the second half with a 6 minute drive aided by several poor calls by the oaf-like puddle of daisy-yellow attired goo. All told, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, did not yield the conversion and trailed again 12-13. Unfazed, the ‘Bohs’ offense took the field against the Sky Blue Snowballers (not involving ice, if you get my drift), known throughout the league as a hideously disfigured team, and peppered them with a mixture of short and intermediate passes culminating in a score so satisfying it felt more like kissing Mia Hamm and less like kissing a baked ham. The pass to the corner of the end zone put the lead at 18-13. The two-pointer, a lofted pass through the cold, black, heart of the defense, found its way into the supple hands of Bruce ‘McConversion’ McMillion to further put the antagonists behind 20-13.

Defense wins championships, and the Untouchabohs’ females are championship caliber in both looks and skills. Neither whoreish nor promiscuous, though gorgeous, the female ‘Bohs exhibit the skillz that pay the billz. On a crucial third down on Team 105’s side of the field the Lady Untouchabohs adeptly stopped the female Charm City Blitz counterparts, who appeared to have been blitzed themselves repeatedly throughout life, forcing the unthinkable. This little piggy’s attempt to tie the game went wee-wee-wee all the way home as the punt, a rare occurrence in such a league, fell directly on the cone (that covered the dead body...).

Foresight is important in winning games and the only ‘fore’ that the Powder Blue Pansies displayed was a forlorn quality as the punt landed in ‘Bohs territory. Had foresight been present, this team would have chosen the wind in the second half. Had they done so, the punt would have been with the wind and would have likely gained more yards. Thank heavens for the ‘Bohs that the smooth-brained leaders of the Light Blue Brigade chose as poorly as that German dude in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Assuming the Untouchabohs could mount a drive it would spell penultimate doom for the aqua-esque assenters.

Hughes then mixed passes to both genders while feigning runs to get the team to a 4th-and-Mid with about 5 yards to go. After enduring another count by the high-pitched, indigo-clad, and somewhat moronic line judge who defines the word ‘doofus,’ screaming “1-button, 2-button, etc…” like a squirrel on crack, the QB attempted a short completion to Darian ‘Adective’ Asghari. The ass, aka ‘defender,’ tried to go through Mr. Asghari to break up the play and the ball hit the ground – or did it. A unified team front staged by the Untouchabohs trumped the weakling referee’s impotent confusion and the catch was declared, amazingly, a catch. Replays later showed a blatant case of pass interference that appeared more like the dry-humping of the receiver’s, um, naughty bits.

The spirit of the evil powder blue boxes of tools never really broke – or perhaps that was simply the perception of a bunch of wacked-out amphetamine-laden boll weevil-ish – as they feverishly smacked, beat, and spanked the Untouchabohs in the hopes of causing retaliation. Such juvenile tactics never work on a team with character best described as granite-like, and at worst, extraordinary. Your Baltimore Untouchabohs drove down the field and scored another key touchdown. The dagger of a two-point conversion (McConversion again) pushed the lead to 28-13.
Team 105 answered with a score and conversion to get the game within 8 at 28-20 in a display of angry pride of which the Dark One would have been proud. Never to be outdone, the Untouchabohs, now lead by an angry Hughes, took the cue from their quarterback and key receivers and went for the jugular. Setting up the deep ball all game with fake scrambles and shovel-passes, Hughes feigned a shovel pass to Danielle ’20 catches’ Madison and examined the defense on the tandem routes of Chris ‘The Closer’ Nelson and Keith ‘Throw it Deep’ Levin. The routes worked, the pump fake froze the safety like a crab on dry ice, and the QB delivered a deep full-field spiral to Nelson in full stride – all the while one could hear the wind leaving the sails of the Evil Blues as the goal line was crossed.

A garbage-time score finalized the score at 34-28 though it took a remarkable bounce, another blown call, and some unnecessary roughness by the Light Blue Asses to make that happen with 2 seconds remaining. The ball was downed to end the game and the righteous were rewarded with a victory extracted from the clutches of potential defeat. The BSSC deities smiled on the classy, disciplined, and focused Untouchabohs who never blinked in the face of adversity. In fact, they unified and became stronger in the face of a petulant paper-tiger present in the form of the Charm City Schlitz (um, beer ;-) ).

Up next for the Untouchabohs is Go Deep (Team #119, Black, 1-3 at time of press) coached by Lauren Hoffman on Saturday, 17 October 2009 at Patterson Park Field #7. This is a trap game for the Untouchabohs who last lost on an odd numbered date (3 October 2009) at Patterson Park and also lost to the Spring Team #119 (Da Borough) in last year’s finale. Focus will need to be on display as will a need to work on conversions as the two other remaining games are against Team #98 (4-0) and Team #138 (4-0).

Potpourri: Team 105 featured a childhood rival of Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren; “Don’t Call Me Klevin” appeared after 1.5 hours of traffic due to the marathon and contributed greatly to the win; the duo known as ‘Klavery’ is engaged and we all congratulate you both on the announcement! Hughes lost his voice temporarily, along with his mind, when picked during a TD; His repeated screams of ‘Pick’ echoed throughout the field causing strange stares from everyone present; JD’s is a wonderful place for post-game libations; The ‘Bohs have outscored opponents 176-118 this season – 25TDs and 1 INT (40% conversions); Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert made a wonderful play on a deep ball in the first half; Hughes should have intercepted the ball and will spend the week doing interval training to increase explosiveness; The combined record of Go Deep’s opponents this year is 4-12 while they have only beaten Team #132 who is winless; I’m celebrating my Mom’s birthday this Saturday; The ring that Keith picked out is very attractive; Da Borough, from last year, is now in the Tastes Great league; Kudos to Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne and Lauren Havery who were the Untouchabohs’ members to run in part or all of the Baltimore Marathon, great work!