(Disassociated Press) 12 September 2009 – A valiant swarm of purple defensive dominance squelched a near offensive rebellion today in Baltimore thought the cast was notyour 2009 Baltimore Ravens. Nay, it was a much more intimidating landscape as the Baltimore Untouchabohs (Team 130, Purple, 1-0) soundly molested the Finger Blasters (Team 141, Red, 0-1) 46-26 on Patterson Park Field #4.
The delivery-of-destruction on Team 141 was inspired by the foul music and misty weather hovering over the park at kickoff. Missing a few females, the ‘Bohs were buttressed by the addition of Stephanie ‘Biscotti’ Binetti which complemented the ’09 returning stars Tanisha ‘G’ Gulhar, Danielle Madison, and Lindsey Spotts. The ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an occasionally contentious and perpetually attractive team, lead from start-to-finish in this opening day contest.
The Finger Blasters, recently upgraded to the Less-Filling Extreme Social (LFES) division from an undefeated season in the Super-Extreme Social (SExS), began the game by botching the coin toss. The ‘coin toss’ was mastered by Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert who deftly beckoned ‘odds’ with the referee hiding three exposed fingers behind his back. The decision to start with the ball in the first half was further validated when the funny-looking, yet very nice, captain of the Red team chose to go with the wind in the first half giving the Untouchabohs the perfect duo of field position and ball possession.
The ‘Bohs’ opening possession involved a rhythmic and methodical drive cadenced like a ticking metronome as the surgeon-like Hughes completed passes to several receivers whilst slicing and dicing a zone so soft it could have been cut with a flaccid banana. Several completions to Madison led the ‘Bohs to scoring range, never facing a 4th down, and culminating in a touchdown by Neel ‘Not Kenny G’ Gulhar (future pseudonym pending) that defied all Einstein knows about physics. Consistently ranked #1 on the BSSCPN Network’s nightly ‘Top 10 Plays’ list, Not Kenny G miraculously (spectacularly, amazingly) caught the ball while falling, left handed, and sideways against his nick and body.
The initial dagger driven into the soulless hearts of the Finger Blasters, who despite their team name still don’t know what warm apple pie feels like, occurred on the ensuing offensive possession when Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne picked off an errant pass. The rag-armed quarterback heaved an uncooked heavenly ham into traffic as he apparently thinks that using an NFL-sized football and losing is better than victorious dominance. To his defense, the Red QB (Ranked 44th out of 45 QBs) did choose the wind in the first half which caused several of his passes to sail. The ‘Bohs scored on their next drive, again blending the zone into a confused mish-mash of goo, to go up two scores and take early control of the game.
Defensive lapses on the next two Finger Blaster drives sandwiched a ‘Bohs’ touchdown. Each instance a shaggy-haired fe-man ran uncovered though the defensive secondary the way that Adrian weaves through traffic after 200 ounces of Starbucks® coffee (not including shots). This was quickly rectified and Lindsey ‘The Leopard’s’ Spotts prowled amongst the Blaster receivers to capture and kill the pass attempt for a glitzy interception. Somewhere in the distance ‘Glamorous’ began playing to honor the defensive stop. The Blasters did manage some near misses as their team of Mannish-Females roamed the field on offense. Butch Diesel (as labeled by S. Binetti) a spunky he-she complemented another female (seen in Deuce Bigalow as the ‘Tall Bitch’) who intermittently fills in for Shaquille O’Neal in Shaq VS. The third was generally a non-factor and nobody can really remember her in any way – which is good for the rest of us who wanted to sleep Saturday night…
The Untouchabohs’ score and 2-pt conversion placed them up by 3 scores leading into halftime. Though the Fingers blasted their way into the end zone to open the second half and managed to take advantage of a rare ‘Bohs turnover on 4th-and-goal from the 4 yard line the game was never truly in doubt. The final drive consisted of time-wasting completions, gender-play mastery, and a 6+ minute time-of-possession that ended with Chris ‘Full-or-Half’ Nelson capturing a high throw through traffic to seal the deal. The most vexing moment occurred approximately 4 minutes into the drive with the ‘Bohs on the opponent’s 25 yard line. Facing man coverage for the first time all day Not Kenny G ran uncovered into the end-zone like the ‘Secret Agent’ when he ran uncovered onto an adjacent zip code. The QB heaved an arcing spiral that gracefully turned-over and pointed straight into the wanting bosom of the receiver – only to mysteriously thud to the Earth observed keenly by both teams. Neel G’s grace in the matter should not be overlooked as the football gods struck-back for the receiver’s magical first-half touchdown. All told, the conversion after the final touchdown was never attempted due to the 18+ point differential rule causing time to run continuously if a team is up by 18+ points in the second half.
Next up for the Untouchabohs is LFES Team #89 (1-0), Andy Beal’s Vegas Gold-adorned Gender Plays are for Girls who soundly defeated their opponent in week #1. This will be a test for the ‘Bohs who will be without leading receiver Danielle ‘DM is for ‘Dis Many Touchdowns’ Madison, Biscotti, and Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari on Patterson High Field #5 at 10:00. It should be noted that this team has all morning games indicating a high degree of seriousness. The ‘Bohs will need to wear their game faces, while having a blast, on Saturday.
Potpourri: PP Field #4 was the scene of an eruption last season causing Darian to be misnamed ‘Freddie’ in an attempt to thwart name-keeping by the lame-duck referee; Adrian played the game with gum on his cleats (Watermelon?); The ‘Bohs females are so attractive that the Finger Blasters (male & female) were heard sobbing in their beer after the game; Mad Dog Lambert is under investigation for increasing his performance by NOT taking performance-altering-substances before the game; Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne was the mysterious keeper of the lost tab at JD’s after the game; The Boh's scored 7 touchdowns and 0 interceptions; A photo exists of ‘Bohs team members providing the grape ‘jelly’ to Team #103's (Chestnut) peanut butter – how naughty!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
UNTOUCHABOHS BREAK AWAY IN SECOND HALF
(Aqua Iggy News) 22 March 2009 – Patterson Park Field 8 brought a second week of good luck and high scoring to the Untouchabohs (Team #96, 2-1) who took the frustration of a week 1 loss to VVT (Team #131, 3-0) and painted it upon a second-consecutive hapless victim, That’s What She Said (Team #132, 0-3) 45-20. Leading 12-6 on the last possession prior to the half QB Adrian Hughes overthrew wide-open receivers on three consecutive plays, two of them resulting in time-outs, to end the half. The southern end-zone proved to be the most fruitful for the Untouchabohs as they shook their erratic and lethargic first-half and found a comfortable rhythm scoring their remaining 33 points. Both teams traded touchdowns on the ensuing four drives with the ‘Bohs deftly managing their gender-play dominance while offsetting the offensive success against their defenses’ inability to cover a rag-armed speedster QB for TWSS.
The rag-armed bandit was able to complete a few passes to the red-headed stepchild of a wide receiver who, despite rock-solid coverage by the defense, was able to catch several poorly-thrown balls to keep drives alive and keep the game close. Unfortunately, the porous TWSS man-to-man coverage allowed 4 touchdowns of 20 or more yards and never caught-on to the dangerous and successful Flood formation employed consistently by the victors. The ‘Bohs didn’t miss a second-half conversion to increase the margin of victory for a team totaling 95 points over the last two weeks. Girl to girl action provided the hottest moments on the field when FeQB Lauren Asghari hit her female teammate in the end zone to convert the 3-pt play.
An overwhelming show of attendance by all 20 of the ‘Bohs, as well as their dominating Black-laden uniform appearance, created a level of intimidation not wielded during their previous several seasons permeated by spontaneous forfeiture of several games. Even the referee was intimidated when, after the second touchdown to Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne, held terribly by his overmatched defender, addressed a post-TD spike by warning the ‘Bohs to ‘take it easy.’ Adding to the intimidation were several jeers applied toward an Irish Green-wearing-softy who broke both ankles reacting to the only juke move the runner has ever used. Video on BSSCPN has banned showing the images due to their graphic nature.
Next up for Tim Lambert’s Untouchabohs are the Team #119 ‘Da Borough’ who’s 3-0 record poses an opportunity to gain a head-to-head advantage over a team currently above them in the standings. Only an utter lack of humility can stop a team that, when playing well, is Untouchaboh.
The rag-armed bandit was able to complete a few passes to the red-headed stepchild of a wide receiver who, despite rock-solid coverage by the defense, was able to catch several poorly-thrown balls to keep drives alive and keep the game close. Unfortunately, the porous TWSS man-to-man coverage allowed 4 touchdowns of 20 or more yards and never caught-on to the dangerous and successful Flood formation employed consistently by the victors. The ‘Bohs didn’t miss a second-half conversion to increase the margin of victory for a team totaling 95 points over the last two weeks. Girl to girl action provided the hottest moments on the field when FeQB Lauren Asghari hit her female teammate in the end zone to convert the 3-pt play.
An overwhelming show of attendance by all 20 of the ‘Bohs, as well as their dominating Black-laden uniform appearance, created a level of intimidation not wielded during their previous several seasons permeated by spontaneous forfeiture of several games. Even the referee was intimidated when, after the second touchdown to Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne, held terribly by his overmatched defender, addressed a post-TD spike by warning the ‘Bohs to ‘take it easy.’ Adding to the intimidation were several jeers applied toward an Irish Green-wearing-softy who broke both ankles reacting to the only juke move the runner has ever used. Video on BSSCPN has banned showing the images due to their graphic nature.
Next up for Tim Lambert’s Untouchabohs are the Team #119 ‘Da Borough’ who’s 3-0 record poses an opportunity to gain a head-to-head advantage over a team currently above them in the standings. Only an utter lack of humility can stop a team that, when playing well, is Untouchaboh.
Rusty Untouchabohs Spring Clean an Irish Green
(Disassociated Press) 5 April 2009 – An anticlimactic finish was the unfortunate culmination of a game featuring a volatile and tenuous first half. The rust from an unanticipated bye week that postponed the anticipated battle between the Untouchabohs (Team #96, 3-1) and the undefeated Da Borough (Team 119, 4-0) was present during the initial half of play with the previously once-beaten Show-Us-Your-TDs (Team 106, 2-2).
The ‘Bohs’ first drive was wrecked when a questionable call on a dual-possession reception was judged to be an INT - though unofficial instant replays, provided by Geo-QB Adrian Hughes’ imaginary photographic memory, clearly showed dual-possession. Until such definitive evidence is allowed in this X-social league such plays will torment the BSSC’s Competition Committee and the owners meetings’. The staunch Bohs’ defense held in a manner that would make all frigid wives proud by forcing a turnover-on-downs on the ensuing possession. Will ‘Intimidation’ Gray proved his role as team enforcer when a punishing hit on a soft, wet, fearful, purse-donning poser earned the intimidator four plays off and sent the opponents back to their blankies for tear-time. The schizophrenic ensuing drive, punctuated by several drops and displaying enough rust to scare the Tin Man, eventually produced the first score of the game on a completion to Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levine.
A failed 2 point conversion was followed by alternating touchdowns by both teams and left the Bohs’ 56 seconds and two timeouts to go the length of the field leading 14-12. The pressure was palpable on the sidelines when a bomb fell incomplete and the initial timeout was used. A key reception by Jonny ‘Secret-Agent’ Layne crossed midfield and burned the second timeout with 23 seconds remaining. Gender-play dominance by Fe-QB Lauren Asghari proved essential when, lining-up as a wide receiver, the Fe-QB torched her defender Memphis-Style with a 20 yard TD with seconds remaining in the half. The lead grew to 22-12 after the successful conversion and was a crucial drive with the S-U-Y-Ts (read: sluts) gaining the first second-half possession.
In an offensive league, defense still wins championships and the Bohs’ defense came through again in the second half. Brittany Hamilton’s defensive excellence continued with several batted balls and timely tackles while Kyle ‘I hate the Capulets’ Montague (Read Romeo & Juliet People) deftly baited the poor soul of a QB into a key pick. Drives in the second half featured bickering (read: screaming) between center-safety Demon Asghari and the typically loquacious yet soft spoken Hughes acting like petulant 5 year-olds disputing toy allocations, the ‘Secret Agent’ Layne shedding defenders by exploring the end zone in a foreign zip code, and an ugly girl on Team 106 tossing a TD to an almost pant-robbed receiver.
The game ended peacefully when the slack-jawed referee decided that the 36-24 final score was good enough and playing any further just wasn’t worth his time – which we all know is a fraudulent concept at best. The Irish Green bastards were gracious in defeat and left in appropriate fashion with tails placed between legs. Mr. Charles Asghari (Chuck, via barking interpreter) even commented that he wouldn’t try to hump such a forlorn group after such a bitch-slapping.
The Untouchaboh’s will enjoy a second bye week to celebrate the resurrection of Christ and mentally rest to prepare for the second half of the season. The 19 April matchup with cleverly named and properly punctuated Team 121, Dick’s Halfway Inn, 2-2 and on a 2-game winning streak, will occur at poorly manicured and partially contaminated Dundalk Community College. Team 121 may just find out what it’s like to be on the receiving end of full penetration.
Potpourri: Lauren Havery had a face-saving grab on a poorly-thrown ball to keep a drive alive. The warm weather helped the aging Bohs players loosen up in record time. The game had to be moved to a soppy location adjacent to field 5 due to a water main break beneath the original field 4. Tim Lambert almost had his second nipple removed in as many games by an errant Hughes pass attempt. Aaron Warren arrived just in time to consume the first pitchers ordered after victory after Texas-related travel. The secret agent Layne was spotted donning a pink purse after the game and cursing STD-laden bitches who steal power tools. Video evidence exists and is being held at a secret location. Photos are available via Facebook.
The ‘Bohs’ first drive was wrecked when a questionable call on a dual-possession reception was judged to be an INT - though unofficial instant replays, provided by Geo-QB Adrian Hughes’ imaginary photographic memory, clearly showed dual-possession. Until such definitive evidence is allowed in this X-social league such plays will torment the BSSC’s Competition Committee and the owners meetings’. The staunch Bohs’ defense held in a manner that would make all frigid wives proud by forcing a turnover-on-downs on the ensuing possession. Will ‘Intimidation’ Gray proved his role as team enforcer when a punishing hit on a soft, wet, fearful, purse-donning poser earned the intimidator four plays off and sent the opponents back to their blankies for tear-time. The schizophrenic ensuing drive, punctuated by several drops and displaying enough rust to scare the Tin Man, eventually produced the first score of the game on a completion to Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levine.
A failed 2 point conversion was followed by alternating touchdowns by both teams and left the Bohs’ 56 seconds and two timeouts to go the length of the field leading 14-12. The pressure was palpable on the sidelines when a bomb fell incomplete and the initial timeout was used. A key reception by Jonny ‘Secret-Agent’ Layne crossed midfield and burned the second timeout with 23 seconds remaining. Gender-play dominance by Fe-QB Lauren Asghari proved essential when, lining-up as a wide receiver, the Fe-QB torched her defender Memphis-Style with a 20 yard TD with seconds remaining in the half. The lead grew to 22-12 after the successful conversion and was a crucial drive with the S-U-Y-Ts (read: sluts) gaining the first second-half possession.
In an offensive league, defense still wins championships and the Bohs’ defense came through again in the second half. Brittany Hamilton’s defensive excellence continued with several batted balls and timely tackles while Kyle ‘I hate the Capulets’ Montague (Read Romeo & Juliet People) deftly baited the poor soul of a QB into a key pick. Drives in the second half featured bickering (read: screaming) between center-safety Demon Asghari and the typically loquacious yet soft spoken Hughes acting like petulant 5 year-olds disputing toy allocations, the ‘Secret Agent’ Layne shedding defenders by exploring the end zone in a foreign zip code, and an ugly girl on Team 106 tossing a TD to an almost pant-robbed receiver.
The game ended peacefully when the slack-jawed referee decided that the 36-24 final score was good enough and playing any further just wasn’t worth his time – which we all know is a fraudulent concept at best. The Irish Green bastards were gracious in defeat and left in appropriate fashion with tails placed between legs. Mr. Charles Asghari (Chuck, via barking interpreter) even commented that he wouldn’t try to hump such a forlorn group after such a bitch-slapping.
The Untouchaboh’s will enjoy a second bye week to celebrate the resurrection of Christ and mentally rest to prepare for the second half of the season. The 19 April matchup with cleverly named and properly punctuated Team 121, Dick’s Halfway Inn, 2-2 and on a 2-game winning streak, will occur at poorly manicured and partially contaminated Dundalk Community College. Team 121 may just find out what it’s like to be on the receiving end of full penetration.
Potpourri: Lauren Havery had a face-saving grab on a poorly-thrown ball to keep a drive alive. The warm weather helped the aging Bohs players loosen up in record time. The game had to be moved to a soppy location adjacent to field 5 due to a water main break beneath the original field 4. Tim Lambert almost had his second nipple removed in as many games by an errant Hughes pass attempt. Aaron Warren arrived just in time to consume the first pitchers ordered after victory after Texas-related travel. The secret agent Layne was spotted donning a pink purse after the game and cursing STD-laden bitches who steal power tools. Video evidence exists and is being held at a secret location. Photos are available via Facebook.
Untouchabohs Hide the Glitz, Bring the Grit, in 30-8 Grinder
(Aqua Iggy News) 19 April 2009 - What happens when you combine an uneven playing field, shag carpeting for grass, and a local community college in Balmer, Merlin Hon? The Untouchabohs (Team #96, 4-1) methodically destroy your zone, shut down your gender plays, and resoundingly defeat your double-entendre named team without converting one PAT. Fe-QB/DB Lauren Asghari intercepted two passes, one in the end zone, to punctuate the defensive dominance sported by the intense ‘Bohs all season in the Week 5 trouncing of overmatched (snicker, giggle) Dick’s Halfway Inn (Team #121, 1-4).
Starting the first two drives a woman down due several contemporaneous wedding-related absences the ‘Bohs mixed short passing with a touch of gender-play trickery to score the game’s first TD. The ensuing drive by D’sHI resulted in a touchdown and two point conversion to put the ‘Bohs behind the 8-ball, 8-6. Fully stocked with all eight players after a late but timely arrival by catalyst Tanisha Gulhar, the Untouchabohs scored a second TD to gain a four point advantage late in the first half. If April showers are going to grow into May playoffs for Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert’s crop of explosive and attractive talent the ‘Bohs will need to continue punishing teams with points-off-turnovers and methodical morale-crushing drives.
The aggressive defense continued when the now renamed Dick’s Nowhere Inn QB, who showed a complete lack of effective decision-making throughout the game, killed their second possession of the first half with a turnover on downs. Adrian Hughes, V found Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne in the end zone to push the lead to 18-8. Ed Reed’s apparent lovechild/long-lost niece (the ball-hawking Asghari) ended the first half with a door-shutting interception of another lame-duck throw as time expired.
Dick’s Halfway Inn’s impotence continued in the second half when the ‘Boh defense, guided by Strong Safety/Free Safety/Only Safety Darian Asghari, kept the home team scoreless, and without Viagra, on each remaining possession. Both offenses were held down by a playing surface that would have made the crew of ‘That 70s Show’ proud – a field that was so shaggy that Scooby-Do was seen bothering Mr. Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari on the sideline for Scooby-snacks. At one point the referee couldn’t even find the line-of-scrimmage marker in the puck-devouring mange of a field. Key contributors included 2 scores by Mr. Layne and 1 score apiece by Lauren Havery, Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levine, and Matt ‘Beneath This Lies an Athlete’ Davidson. Defensive intensity was provided time after time by Will ‘The Engineer’ Grey and Lauren ‘You can’t Havery that ball’ Havery – her defensive alter-ego. Dinosaurs would have been proud of this game lacking deep or remarkable offensive plays save for a lucky D’sHI completion that bounded off of four players and a bizarre near-interception involving Coach Lambert’s noggin. Humor took hold late in the game when Untouchaboh players, scattered over the field, screamed to have the ball thrown to the uncovered Lambert who was heard to utter, ‘Yeah, throw me the ball.’ The receiver immediately stood motionless seemingly unaware of the idea of running after the catch but could be seen donning a fantastic grin. The second-half ended with two failed Hail-Mary passes and time expiring.
The team looked ahead to a home matchup with disgustingly-named Sheila Dixon’s Fur (Team #128, 3-2) while an over-caffeinated QB, downing a lukewarm XL coffee, repeatedly ran circles. Next week’s game will be 2:00 pm; Patterson Park Field #4, on April 26th with post-game refreshments served at Kisling’s Tavern (410.327.KISS), win or lose. If the team is going to continue its run toward the playoffs the Untouchabohs produce PATs, and I don’t mean those pats on the behind. Team members were not available for post-game comment as the field was so far removed from the destination watering hole that all members scattered from Dundalk Community College like cockroaches from sunlight.
Potpourri: The ‘Bohs scored 5 TDs today without converting one PAT; 8 points allowed is a season-low; the Boh’s have outscored opponents 175-97; The field’s uneven physiography claimed the knee of a player from Team 93 in the 10:00 Game; The females had to play the game both ways without substitution; Sheila Dixon’s Fur is Irish Green in color… a scary thought.
Starting the first two drives a woman down due several contemporaneous wedding-related absences the ‘Bohs mixed short passing with a touch of gender-play trickery to score the game’s first TD. The ensuing drive by D’sHI resulted in a touchdown and two point conversion to put the ‘Bohs behind the 8-ball, 8-6. Fully stocked with all eight players after a late but timely arrival by catalyst Tanisha Gulhar, the Untouchabohs scored a second TD to gain a four point advantage late in the first half. If April showers are going to grow into May playoffs for Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert’s crop of explosive and attractive talent the ‘Bohs will need to continue punishing teams with points-off-turnovers and methodical morale-crushing drives.
The aggressive defense continued when the now renamed Dick’s Nowhere Inn QB, who showed a complete lack of effective decision-making throughout the game, killed their second possession of the first half with a turnover on downs. Adrian Hughes, V found Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne in the end zone to push the lead to 18-8. Ed Reed’s apparent lovechild/long-lost niece (the ball-hawking Asghari) ended the first half with a door-shutting interception of another lame-duck throw as time expired.
Dick’s Halfway Inn’s impotence continued in the second half when the ‘Boh defense, guided by Strong Safety/Free Safety/Only Safety Darian Asghari, kept the home team scoreless, and without Viagra, on each remaining possession. Both offenses were held down by a playing surface that would have made the crew of ‘That 70s Show’ proud – a field that was so shaggy that Scooby-Do was seen bothering Mr. Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari on the sideline for Scooby-snacks. At one point the referee couldn’t even find the line-of-scrimmage marker in the puck-devouring mange of a field. Key contributors included 2 scores by Mr. Layne and 1 score apiece by Lauren Havery, Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levine, and Matt ‘Beneath This Lies an Athlete’ Davidson. Defensive intensity was provided time after time by Will ‘The Engineer’ Grey and Lauren ‘You can’t Havery that ball’ Havery – her defensive alter-ego. Dinosaurs would have been proud of this game lacking deep or remarkable offensive plays save for a lucky D’sHI completion that bounded off of four players and a bizarre near-interception involving Coach Lambert’s noggin. Humor took hold late in the game when Untouchaboh players, scattered over the field, screamed to have the ball thrown to the uncovered Lambert who was heard to utter, ‘Yeah, throw me the ball.’ The receiver immediately stood motionless seemingly unaware of the idea of running after the catch but could be seen donning a fantastic grin. The second-half ended with two failed Hail-Mary passes and time expiring.
The team looked ahead to a home matchup with disgustingly-named Sheila Dixon’s Fur (Team #128, 3-2) while an over-caffeinated QB, downing a lukewarm XL coffee, repeatedly ran circles. Next week’s game will be 2:00 pm; Patterson Park Field #4, on April 26th with post-game refreshments served at Kisling’s Tavern (410.327.KISS), win or lose. If the team is going to continue its run toward the playoffs the Untouchabohs produce PATs, and I don’t mean those pats on the behind. Team members were not available for post-game comment as the field was so far removed from the destination watering hole that all members scattered from Dundalk Community College like cockroaches from sunlight.
Potpourri: The ‘Bohs scored 5 TDs today without converting one PAT; 8 points allowed is a season-low; the Boh’s have outscored opponents 175-97; The field’s uneven physiography claimed the knee of a player from Team 93 in the 10:00 Game; The females had to play the game both ways without substitution; Sheila Dixon’s Fur is Irish Green in color… a scary thought.
Hot Weather Earns Cold Shoulder From Satan-the-Referee
(Aqua Iggy News) 26 April 2009 – Composure was a fantasy and not a reality yesterday when an illegally physical and mostly ridiculous Irish Green team (Sheila Dixon’s Fur, Team #128, 2-3) scraped by the scrappy Untouchabohs (Team #96, 4-2) under the watchful eye of an uncoordinated, stupid, forgetful, biased, and blind drunken-monkey of a referee on Field 4 at Patterson Park yesterday. The hot weather melted the spirit and pride of a team that valiantly withstood the handicap of playing with 7 people and few (or no reserves for the females) substitutions.
Despite being outmanned (well, outfemaled) by one the entire game the heavily-favored Boh’s stopped the Irish Green menace on the one-yard line on the first possession of the game. The ensuing drive mixed and matched runs and short passing culminating in a touchdown that again lacked the appropriate 1 or 2 point conversion which has tortured this team all season long. A beautiful drive considering that the Fur had one additional defender all game.
The ensuing possession by the Fur included several miraculous catches by the ugly blonde girl who really wasn’t certain where she was, who she was, or what really was going on. A deep ball, setting the tone for the rest of the game concluded the drive with a TD to tie the score at 6 points apiece. The Bohs rallied to muster another drive with several key completions to the Asghari pair, celebrating one glorious year together, finishing with a TD and failed 2 point conversion. The Fur displayed some resiliency themselves, somehow driving down the field without repeatedly tripping, and scoring a touchdown after a blatant push-off that followed a brutal, illegal, immoral, and unholy pick in the end zone. The Bohs stellar, if undermanned, defense stood proud and kept the conversion attempt from completion to keep the score tied at 12 going into halftime.
The second half began sluggishly as the heat was grinding on all members of the Untouchabohs. Half jogging and walking was prevalent as all members of the team mustered the remaining energy from their overheated engines. The Bohs drive put them up by eight with a TD to the Secret Agent and a 2 point conversion by the lanky, athletic, and fiery Darian “Demon” Asghari. Unfortunately for the Bohs’ Adrian Hughes, V (yup, the fifth) got burned five-times-over on a long bomb to a slutbag named Steve (no relation to Steve-O) who was tackled at the one yard line on a diving two-hand-touch leaving the overweight Hughes battered, lacerated, and bruised from landing on the concrete field.
Tied again at 20 points the heat melted the Untouchabohs’ resolve when members of the team failed to shake their defenders for Asghari on a 4th and 1 situation and turned the ball over to the Fur. Several drops punctuated this drive including one ball thrown to a receiver without an effort to even catch the hurled, tackified, pigskin (vinylskin in reality…). Another drive for the Irish Green Fur consistently executed blatant and malicious picks to free receivers on the field to put them up 26-20. The ensuing two-point try showed exactly how uneven the calls were when the green team lined up without waiting for the defense to set and snapped the ball. Several times throughout the game the referee stopped play to allow the green team to get set on defense – even during possessions. Most likely this herpes-laden, drugged-out lame-ass referee couldn’t figure out how to work his clock. Luckily enough the quarterback didn’t notice the 6 other receivers who weren’t covered and through to the pale-faced and giant-headed leper of a human who Hughes had purposefully left ‘open.’ The successful baiting and an assist by ‘The Engineer’ Will Gray kept the Boh’s within striking distance.
Spreading the ball around, including a 4th and 1 completion to the “C” of the team, Senor Tim Lambert culminated in the referee blowing another call and putting star Brittany Hamilton in the end zone to tie the game at 26. Unfortunately, this blown call by Satan-the-Referee hurt the Boh’s because it took the game to the two-minute warning and did not allow the Boh’s enough time to run out the clock. This also pointed to the shortcomings of the side judge who was seemingly happiest sporting his knee-highs and horrific bandana.
The final drive for the Fur, and essentially the final drive of the game save for the incomplete Hail-Mary attempt, included several more illegal picks, formations, and further help from Lucifer. Several times during the drive the Fur had an illegal procedure penalty but Satan decided not to run the clock as is customary on an offensive penalty within the last 2 minutes of the game. Several short plays later the receiver broke free after a blatant push-off that the Commander of Hell actually called, but at a price. In penance against himself for calling a penalty on the Chosen Team, Demon Numero Uno ejected Freddie Cassilly (or so he believed) for tagging the foul-committing receiver. In a game where a tackle consists of two hands contacting the receiver (i.e. ‘Two hand touch’) it is ironic that ejections occur when that receiver is, indeed, touched.
The Boh’s will take on Team #120 (Kobra Kai, 2-4) next week at the pasture Dundalk Community College Field 1 at 11:00 to try to avenge a game taken from them by the Commander-in-Hades and his evil ‘refereeing.’ Though stars Keith “Don’t call me Klevin” Levin and likely several others will not be able to make it those that do show up will undoubtedly give their all and secure a victory.
Potpourri: It was hot as hell today; the females who did show had to play without substitution for a second-straight game; 11 people out of 20 showed up for the game (two were infirmed); the referee will be ritualistically burned in effigy prior to the next game; the Boh’s have outscored opponents 201-129.
Despite being outmanned (well, outfemaled) by one the entire game the heavily-favored Boh’s stopped the Irish Green menace on the one-yard line on the first possession of the game. The ensuing drive mixed and matched runs and short passing culminating in a touchdown that again lacked the appropriate 1 or 2 point conversion which has tortured this team all season long. A beautiful drive considering that the Fur had one additional defender all game.
The ensuing possession by the Fur included several miraculous catches by the ugly blonde girl who really wasn’t certain where she was, who she was, or what really was going on. A deep ball, setting the tone for the rest of the game concluded the drive with a TD to tie the score at 6 points apiece. The Bohs rallied to muster another drive with several key completions to the Asghari pair, celebrating one glorious year together, finishing with a TD and failed 2 point conversion. The Fur displayed some resiliency themselves, somehow driving down the field without repeatedly tripping, and scoring a touchdown after a blatant push-off that followed a brutal, illegal, immoral, and unholy pick in the end zone. The Bohs stellar, if undermanned, defense stood proud and kept the conversion attempt from completion to keep the score tied at 12 going into halftime.
The second half began sluggishly as the heat was grinding on all members of the Untouchabohs. Half jogging and walking was prevalent as all members of the team mustered the remaining energy from their overheated engines. The Bohs drive put them up by eight with a TD to the Secret Agent and a 2 point conversion by the lanky, athletic, and fiery Darian “Demon” Asghari. Unfortunately for the Bohs’ Adrian Hughes, V (yup, the fifth) got burned five-times-over on a long bomb to a slutbag named Steve (no relation to Steve-O) who was tackled at the one yard line on a diving two-hand-touch leaving the overweight Hughes battered, lacerated, and bruised from landing on the concrete field.
Tied again at 20 points the heat melted the Untouchabohs’ resolve when members of the team failed to shake their defenders for Asghari on a 4th and 1 situation and turned the ball over to the Fur. Several drops punctuated this drive including one ball thrown to a receiver without an effort to even catch the hurled, tackified, pigskin (vinylskin in reality…). Another drive for the Irish Green Fur consistently executed blatant and malicious picks to free receivers on the field to put them up 26-20. The ensuing two-point try showed exactly how uneven the calls were when the green team lined up without waiting for the defense to set and snapped the ball. Several times throughout the game the referee stopped play to allow the green team to get set on defense – even during possessions. Most likely this herpes-laden, drugged-out lame-ass referee couldn’t figure out how to work his clock. Luckily enough the quarterback didn’t notice the 6 other receivers who weren’t covered and through to the pale-faced and giant-headed leper of a human who Hughes had purposefully left ‘open.’ The successful baiting and an assist by ‘The Engineer’ Will Gray kept the Boh’s within striking distance.
Spreading the ball around, including a 4th and 1 completion to the “C” of the team, Senor Tim Lambert culminated in the referee blowing another call and putting star Brittany Hamilton in the end zone to tie the game at 26. Unfortunately, this blown call by Satan-the-Referee hurt the Boh’s because it took the game to the two-minute warning and did not allow the Boh’s enough time to run out the clock. This also pointed to the shortcomings of the side judge who was seemingly happiest sporting his knee-highs and horrific bandana.
The final drive for the Fur, and essentially the final drive of the game save for the incomplete Hail-Mary attempt, included several more illegal picks, formations, and further help from Lucifer. Several times during the drive the Fur had an illegal procedure penalty but Satan decided not to run the clock as is customary on an offensive penalty within the last 2 minutes of the game. Several short plays later the receiver broke free after a blatant push-off that the Commander of Hell actually called, but at a price. In penance against himself for calling a penalty on the Chosen Team, Demon Numero Uno ejected Freddie Cassilly (or so he believed) for tagging the foul-committing receiver. In a game where a tackle consists of two hands contacting the receiver (i.e. ‘Two hand touch’) it is ironic that ejections occur when that receiver is, indeed, touched.
The Boh’s will take on Team #120 (Kobra Kai, 2-4) next week at the pasture Dundalk Community College Field 1 at 11:00 to try to avenge a game taken from them by the Commander-in-Hades and his evil ‘refereeing.’ Though stars Keith “Don’t call me Klevin” Levin and likely several others will not be able to make it those that do show up will undoubtedly give their all and secure a victory.
Potpourri: It was hot as hell today; the females who did show had to play without substitution for a second-straight game; 11 people out of 20 showed up for the game (two were infirmed); the referee will be ritualistically burned in effigy prior to the next game; the Boh’s have outscored opponents 201-129.
Mother’s Day, Schmothers Day. Undefeated Team Upends Untouchabohs
(Aqua Iggy News) 10 May 2009 – Eight seconds separated the Untouchabohs (Team #96, 4-3) from victory over the undefeated Da Borough (Team #119, 7-0). Unfortunately the Irish Green Swine Flu-ers drove the length of the field to score the decisive TD leaving the protagonist Boh’s behind the 8-Boh for the second straight game. Da Borough was consistently aided by a series of miraculous catches by the female members – specifically the lovechild of Terrell and Kelly Gregg. Hideous in appearance, her gifted hands provided several key receptions for ‘IT’’s team in the 40-32 victory.
In a climate best described as blustery, though more like a whirling dervish, passes from both teams failed to hit their mark during their first possessions. Winds constantly altered ball flights and abundant drops afflicted the receiving corps of the Bohs. A failed 4th-and-1 conversion in the first half allowed Team 116 to take the lead 8-0 on a deep pass completion by an uncovered receiver and a successful 2-point conversion. The Bohs came back with an attitude as QB AH5 (Yup, the fifth) led his team down the field with key completions to Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levine, Lauren ‘You Can’t Havery That’ Havery, and the man known as the Secret Agent Spiker, Jonny Layne. The second Da Borough drive also finished with a touchdown and two point conversion despite the Boh defenders tipping the ball several times along the way.
The pressure began to mount with the Boh’s third possession, down by 8, knowing that the game could effectively end without a score and a 2-point conversion – something with which the Boh’s have struggled mightily in recent weeks. Fighting the elements the Bohs developed a yet-seen swagger with several consecutive completions, tight spirals, and solid pass catching. This drive was punctuated by a touchdown and amazing grab by Darian ‘Demon’ Asghari in a sensational amount of traffic despite a sea of wanting hands grabbing at the heaving chest of the receiver.
The first half finished in a 16-apiece tie and a warning from the referee about illegal touching. Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari barked at such mundane and unnecessary comments then devoured an entire Tupperware container of water. ‘Such tomfoolery,’ he exclaimed, followed by abundant water splashing and rehydrative acts.
Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne contributed greatly in the second half – aided by clearly delineated end zone lines. Historically, Layne has avoided defenders when playing on PHS Field 4 by running into adjacent zip codes and strange neighborhoods. Da Borough scored on their first possession of the second half – aided by a catch and run by the ‘IT’ lovechild – and converted their third consecutive 2-point try. It should be pointed out again that Lauren Havery saved a TD with her tackle short of the end zone and that the Boh defense forced the Irish Green Nuisance to use all of their plays to break the plane of the end zone. Fresh off a cruise ship, tanned, toned, and sober despite a foray into the Duty-Free shop Havery showed why she is one of the important contributors to the team.
Down by 8 again, the Boh moxie was in a full-fledged outbreak that even Valtrex wouldn’t be able to handle as the team milked the clock from 7:05 to below the two minute warning. The game-tying TD was caught and spiked by the Secret Agent Spiker Layne on a no-look completion from Hughes. Such naughtiness from the emotional Secret Agent is a staple of the team’s success though it required the referee – not a slackjaw like last game’s Lord of the Darkness – needed a clarification about the penalty. Ten yards were added to the 2 point try, making it a 20 yard 2-point attempt. Getting the ball into the end zone, into the wind, into a mass of 15 bodies (half of which were covered in Irish Green and smelled like they needed to use Irish Spring) was going to be difficult.
On a play that included some semblance of a strategy – something else to improve upon heading into next week’s season finale – the additional yardage was one more obstacle between a tie and a definite loss. With the male Asghari open for a split second, Hughes saw a seam that the Secret Agent was about to exploit in the front of the end zone. In such a stealth manner Layne cut in front of two Green defenders and snared a low, un-tippable, ball with a diving attempt. Conversion good, game tied, moxie and uncontrolled outbreak in full effect.
Though the game ended on another hail-mary attempt, which Will ‘The Engineer’ Grey caught at the 0.075 yard line after a game winning drive by the oxymoronic undefeated losers (did anyone see the guy with the semi-rimless, silver, polycarbonate, anti-reflective glasses?) the Bohs could walk off of the field proud and with a lot to look forward to next week and forevermore…
Potpourri: The referee was humorously struck by a ball unintentionally tipped by a Boh defender; that throw was intended to decapitate her; Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari has been inferring he doesn’t want to be a team mascot – he prefers Talisman; Since he doesn’t prefer Miller Lite to Dos Equis, the Most Interesting Man in the World was seen lurking on the sideline looking for used Landshark Lager bottles with enough backwash to drink; no team missed a 2 pt conversion; Captain Tim Lambert was seen perusing X-Rays of Brett Favre’s torn bicep; unlike Chris Cooley, nobody on the team has blogged their penis, yet.
In a climate best described as blustery, though more like a whirling dervish, passes from both teams failed to hit their mark during their first possessions. Winds constantly altered ball flights and abundant drops afflicted the receiving corps of the Bohs. A failed 4th-and-1 conversion in the first half allowed Team 116 to take the lead 8-0 on a deep pass completion by an uncovered receiver and a successful 2-point conversion. The Bohs came back with an attitude as QB AH5 (Yup, the fifth) led his team down the field with key completions to Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levine, Lauren ‘You Can’t Havery That’ Havery, and the man known as the Secret Agent Spiker, Jonny Layne. The second Da Borough drive also finished with a touchdown and two point conversion despite the Boh defenders tipping the ball several times along the way.
The pressure began to mount with the Boh’s third possession, down by 8, knowing that the game could effectively end without a score and a 2-point conversion – something with which the Boh’s have struggled mightily in recent weeks. Fighting the elements the Bohs developed a yet-seen swagger with several consecutive completions, tight spirals, and solid pass catching. This drive was punctuated by a touchdown and amazing grab by Darian ‘Demon’ Asghari in a sensational amount of traffic despite a sea of wanting hands grabbing at the heaving chest of the receiver.
The first half finished in a 16-apiece tie and a warning from the referee about illegal touching. Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari barked at such mundane and unnecessary comments then devoured an entire Tupperware container of water. ‘Such tomfoolery,’ he exclaimed, followed by abundant water splashing and rehydrative acts.
Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne contributed greatly in the second half – aided by clearly delineated end zone lines. Historically, Layne has avoided defenders when playing on PHS Field 4 by running into adjacent zip codes and strange neighborhoods. Da Borough scored on their first possession of the second half – aided by a catch and run by the ‘IT’ lovechild – and converted their third consecutive 2-point try. It should be pointed out again that Lauren Havery saved a TD with her tackle short of the end zone and that the Boh defense forced the Irish Green Nuisance to use all of their plays to break the plane of the end zone. Fresh off a cruise ship, tanned, toned, and sober despite a foray into the Duty-Free shop Havery showed why she is one of the important contributors to the team.
Down by 8 again, the Boh moxie was in a full-fledged outbreak that even Valtrex wouldn’t be able to handle as the team milked the clock from 7:05 to below the two minute warning. The game-tying TD was caught and spiked by the Secret Agent Spiker Layne on a no-look completion from Hughes. Such naughtiness from the emotional Secret Agent is a staple of the team’s success though it required the referee – not a slackjaw like last game’s Lord of the Darkness – needed a clarification about the penalty. Ten yards were added to the 2 point try, making it a 20 yard 2-point attempt. Getting the ball into the end zone, into the wind, into a mass of 15 bodies (half of which were covered in Irish Green and smelled like they needed to use Irish Spring) was going to be difficult.
On a play that included some semblance of a strategy – something else to improve upon heading into next week’s season finale – the additional yardage was one more obstacle between a tie and a definite loss. With the male Asghari open for a split second, Hughes saw a seam that the Secret Agent was about to exploit in the front of the end zone. In such a stealth manner Layne cut in front of two Green defenders and snared a low, un-tippable, ball with a diving attempt. Conversion good, game tied, moxie and uncontrolled outbreak in full effect.
Though the game ended on another hail-mary attempt, which Will ‘The Engineer’ Grey caught at the 0.075 yard line after a game winning drive by the oxymoronic undefeated losers (did anyone see the guy with the semi-rimless, silver, polycarbonate, anti-reflective glasses?) the Bohs could walk off of the field proud and with a lot to look forward to next week and forevermore…
Potpourri: The referee was humorously struck by a ball unintentionally tipped by a Boh defender; that throw was intended to decapitate her; Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari has been inferring he doesn’t want to be a team mascot – he prefers Talisman; Since he doesn’t prefer Miller Lite to Dos Equis, the Most Interesting Man in the World was seen lurking on the sideline looking for used Landshark Lager bottles with enough backwash to drink; no team missed a 2 pt conversion; Captain Tim Lambert was seen perusing X-Rays of Brett Favre’s torn bicep; unlike Chris Cooley, nobody on the team has blogged their penis, yet.
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