Victorious Bastards Bastardize Muddogs in 40-22 Victory
Disassociated Press (3 March
2013) - March is known for coming in like a lion and leaving like a lamb.
Today, the Vainglorious Bastards (Team #123, Orange, 1-0) came in like a lion
and devoured the hapless lamb-like SCLSU Muddogs (Team 133, Royal Blue, 0-1)
40-22 in frigid conditions at Lou Karpouzie Field #2.
On a day which had abundant
flurries and a chilling northerly wind which cut like an
ice-cold knife at your soul, the VBs kept warm by eliminating both
substitutions and opponents' touchdowns en route to the first meaningful victory
for any Baltimore Sports and Social Club (BSSC) team in 2013. Working magic in
a way that few teams know how, Eva Lipiec managed to get BOTH the ball AND
direction to start the game. This type of wizardry is rarely seen and
captivates all followers of the BSSC's Less Filling League (LFL).
The strong winds were going to
require a lot of moxie, mettle, and focus as well as some supple, albeit
frozen, hands by the receiving corps. With a referee having trouble managing
both the game and his line judge, the Lady VBs were not having trouble
manhandling the Lady Muddogs.
The first possession pitted the
VB's offense against the Muddogs' defense - a zone defense so porous that it
would make an uncemented sedimentary conglomerate jealous - started in the
northern portion of the field and migrated to the south... the same direction
as the giant contaminant plume emanating from the adjacent Superfund Site (aka
Driving Range). With passes as crisp as a wrinkled soft-wash shirt from Banana
Republic, the VBs QB Adrian Hughes was able to display what appeared to be an
eternity of rust, the targets of his errant passes somehow managing to bail him
out enough times to keep the drive alive. A few runs helped keep the chains
moving; however, most eyewitnesses claimed the QB's runs were more like,
"the Blob trying to escape some Aunt Jemima syrup uphill and in
winter."
Managing the clock with the deft
balance of short tosses and deep misfires while also preventing 4th-Down and
Forced Gender scenarios, the Bastards maintained the primary tenets of the
Offense is Defense, Baby (ODB) offense - which keeps the man-to-man playing
Bastards fresh when it's time to play suffocating D. The first touchdown of the
year went to Eva “Captain My Captain” Lipiec on
a forced gender touchdown brimming with awesome. The subsequent two-point
conversion using the ODB-signature conversion play put the Bastards up
8-0.
There are no kickoffs in the LFL,
which is especially good for a short-handed defense. Taking the ball at the 10
yard line and facing the suffocating man-to-man defense of the Bastards, one of
the two individuals playing quarterback for the SCLSU Muddogs (heretofore known
as the 'Dogs) was able to quickly force his team into a third-down and forced
gender. While his pass was lofted into the brisk air, reminiscent of an injured
duck having a violent seizure, Eva "Captain my Captain" Lipiec
undercut the rout and snagged the duck from the air like a bird-dog after the
kill. Now it was time to Bastardize the 'Dogs.
The first series of plays on either
side of the field requires two completions within four downs to achieve your
first down and is henceforth known as the 'Completion Series' for those of you
new to the LFL. Despite a penalty for blocking, not the fault of the blockers
as the block-footed QB lumbered southbound unbeknownst to the receivers, the
conversion series was executed properly and moved the team down the field.
Another series of tosses which would have made Betty White proud - including
one egregious short-hop throw to Mike 'Zero People Can Cover Me' Zerolnick -
were still snatched from the air by the talented receiving corps and culminated
in a TD throw to Zerolnick. Hughes, clearly out of place running routes and not
knowing what receivers are supposed to do, dropped the pass for the conversion
to keep the score at 14-0.
Defense wins championships - the
old adage brought to life in the LFL. Such truth had the Bastards up by two
touchdowns and was about to come into play again on this series. Starting from
their own 10 yard line and facing the near-naughty man-to-man defense of the
Bastards, the 'Dogs were able to place themselves into another third-down and
forced gender. While the QB’s pass was lofted behind his female target, altered
by the fierce wind, the 'Dogs' receiver bobbled the ball multiple times, keeping
it alive for the subsequent pick by Meghan "Pickpocket" Walsh.
Currently, the play is expected to come in first on this weekend's Top 10 on
BSSCSPN.
The thievery, also placing Walsh
as the #1 desired target of “America’s Most Wanted” and ironically hosted by another
Walsh, further invigorated the Bastards who, deftly ran the ODB and worked the
clock to perfection. Spreading passes all over the short field like Charlotte's
Web, the third touchdown of the afternoon went to the "Pickpocket" on
a forced gender and was capped by a two-point conversion to Jeremy Herhei
making the score 22-0. The whipping was becoming so resound that misbehaving
children all over the world paid homage... and behaved for the rest of the
game.
The ODB was in full effect and
had milked most of the clock from the available time in the first half
rendering the 'Dogs as impotent pups. If your team name is meant to pay tribute
to a famous water-loving, Gatorade hating, questionably intelligent
waterboy-turned-linebacker then you had better bring some noise. Unfortunately,
the noises from the 'Dogs resembled the whimpers of a scolded puppy who left a
present on the new rug. Halftime arrived with your protagonists posting a solid
22-0 lead.
The LK fields are named after
legendary Patterson High School football player Lou Karpouzie and not, as irony
would have it, for the fields being located adjacent to the intersection of
Lombard and Kane Streets in Baltimore. Born in Wierton, West Virginia in 1926,
Lou arrived in Baltimore and became known, in his heyday as "the galloping
Greek from Oldham Street" as described in a 6 May 2010 article highlighting
his life as well as his passing. For much of his career, he worked for the
Baltimore City Bureau of Events and helped organize and manage the logistics of
ethnic festivals and other special events. LK brought joy to many and organized
sports leagues for children in baseball, football, wheelchair events, and other
sports - altruism mimicked by Supreme Overlord of the BSSC Mike Cray as he
helps grown adults develop alcoholism properly and mate unexpectedly under the
guise of happy hour drink rates through the same sports that line his pockets.
I suppose both were guilty of making people happy.
The second half had the ‘Dogs
starting with the ball at their own 10 yard line and heading south. Though a
three-touchdown deficit is near-impossible to overcome – a comeback is more
plausible when starting the second half with the ball. This was the exact
position in which the 'Dogs were facing... as well as the wind. A few lucky
passes later and the first truly decent pass by the 'Dogs QB yielded their
first score of the game. A completion to a receiver along the sideline for the
two-point conversion closed the gap to 22-8, still in favor of the Bastards.
A two touchdown lead would
normally be cause for comfort; however, the chances of a comeback increases
with a turnover and the subsequent momentum would change for certain. Moving
the ball down the field with a quick pass here and a quick pass there, here a
pass, there a pass, everywhere a pass pass, Old MacDonald had a drive and it
culminated with a glorious northbound touchdown, extending the lead to 28-8.
One could even overhear a singular Royal Blue-clad defender mumbling under his
breath, "where did this all go wrong." Despite the faulty conversion
attempt, the lead still held, and the defense was about to take the
field.
Defense wins championships and
the Orange clad leaders were tiring without subs, slowly but surely. That said,
the awareness of the wind conditions strongly favored the Bastards, who utilize
and appropriately-sized football on offense and, on defense, cover short into
the wind and long with the wind. This tried-and-true approach pushed the lowly
'Dogs into fourth down scenarios two times on the drive, unfortunately though,
the turnover could not be forced and successful conversions followed each
attempt. The work proved to be a pyrrhic victory of sorts as the drive
culminated in a touchdown but likely took too much time off of the clock to be
able to complete a comeback. Bringing the game to 28-16 and a successful
two-point conversion allowed the Bastards' ODB back onto the field.
In true ODB form, the initial Completion
Series on the drive yielded two completions in three attempts to run
significant amount of time off of the clock. Things became tight on the
subsequent Midline Series, the series whereby the first down is gained by
crossing the midline, as the VBs faced fourth and midline against a hybridized
man-zone defense hell-bent on preventing the conversion in the same way
polyester shirts prevent dates. In a potentially key play of the game with the
opportunity for the ‘Dogs to change the momentum, Amanda Lafelice gently corralled
a softly thrown synthetic pigskin into her body for the completion despite
abundant, feverish, and desperate attempts to knock the pass down. Making sure
not to lose momentum, the Bastards quickly converted their second Completion
Series of the drive before thrilling the crowd, comprised mostly of Royal
Blue-clad substitutions for the ‘Dogs, with the Scoring Series of the drive. Quickly
getting to the one-foot line, the Bastards faced a fourth-and-goal from that
very same spot. Tensions grew as the pre-snap read yielded a bunched zone at
the goalline. The reconnaissance from the previous play showed they failed to
cover the center; therefore the Bastards attempted to exploit this plan.
Unfortunately for your Bastards, the ‘Dogs quickly jumped all over Jeremy Herhei
and forced the Bastard QB to find another receiver. Rolling to his left, the
Bastard QB found his Bastard receiver, Stephen “My Hat Indicates When I’m Open”
Norton for a touchdown and the Bastards extended the lead to 34-16. The rout
was on.
The defense of the Bastards was
easing a little bit with time winding down after their Vainglorious last drive
and a significant, nay, insurmountable, lead. The proverbial foot had been
pressed firmly into the proverbial throat of the opponent by scoring the
touchdown and could essentially be released. This explains why, on first and
goal for the ‘Dogs, Adrian “Rusty” Hughes dropped a sure pick in the endzone,
in the process getting his pants and right sock dirty – oh the humanity! Their
subsequent touchdown closed the gap to 34-22 and gave the Bastards a little
time to work on their craft.
The final drive was a mish-mosh
of completions and awesome with sprinklings of imminent defeat added by the ‘Dogs
downtrodden leaky zone defense. Yielding to the Bastards like a wet paper towel
to a bowling ball, the Bastards drove down the field with the goal of running
off the clock and securing a solid victory. The final play of the drive, which
felt like it took forever due to the lack of pressure applied by the defensive
front, culminated in a no-look touchdown pass to the right side to Meghan “Now
a Veteran” Walsh, crushing the hopes and dreams of the newly-named Mudpuppies
like Godzilla crushes Tokyo.
Playing only for pride, and with
little time remaining, the QB of the Mudpuppies was going to make one last
heave of desperation – similar to the acts of desperation seen at closing time
upstairs at Looney’s and/or Claddah’s on a Saturday night in Canton. The final
heave was fitting, resembling a spastic, uncoordinated, penguin in roller
skates and on ice, flailing and falling harmlessly out of bounds – out of bounds over the
left sideline. Sadness ensued.
Your Bastards play again next
week and hope to defeat the undefeated, and naughtily-named Natty Bohners
(Team#93, Lime, 1-0) at Patterson High School Field #5 at 3:00 pm. Hopefully
the Bastard players can show up an hour early and further refine the ODB
baby!!!
Potpourri:
- Conversions
for the Bastards will need to improve and stand at 2 of 6 for the season
(33%);
- One
sack was recorded by the Bastards on defense, an LFL rarity;
- From
forfeit to victory, special thanks to Amanda and Meghan!
- Bastard
quarterbacks have 6 touchdowns this season without a pick;
- Mudpuppies’
drives resulted in 3 TDs, 2 INTs, and 2 drives ended by the half;
