Trap Game Trap Game Trap Game Trap Game
(Agua Iggy News) 6 November 2009 – Your glorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 6-1) finish the regular season tomorrow on Patterson Park Field #7 at High Noon against the underrated Go Deep (Team #119, Black, 1-6). Grit and guile will need to guide the vainglorious Untouchabohs in their quest for Universal dominance of Baltimore Sports and Social Club – Extreme Social – Less Filling Two-hand Touch Football (BSSCXSLF).
Attendance is key as the ‘Bohs have a 14-17 record over the last 4 seasons, but that doesn’t show the whole picture. During that stretch, the Untouchabohs have lost 6 games to forfeits and another 5 games have been lost when the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, have lacked either a male or female substitution. Within that last stat are 3 games where the ‘Bohs not only lacked a substitution, but actually fielded a team with only 7 players.
Defense wins championships and the man-to-man style of defense that the Untouchabohs play is something magnificent to watch. With the green team watching last week’s victory over previously undefeated Team #138 (Johnson In the Slot, Royal Blue, 6-1) skepticism reigned on the man-to-man style with a free safety that the ‘Bohs play. Play after play, though, free safety (FS) Darian ‘Persian Subversion’ Asghari repeatedly manipulated the quarterback play in a way that a disturbed puppeteer manipulates marionettes. Gauging the play from the snap, The ‘Subversion’ allowed the receivers’ initial routes to wash by and render themselves impotent before putting pressure on the quarterback. Special attention should be paid to all of the ‘Bohs’ individual defenders as they allowed the opponent about as much breathing room as an infant child trapped in a well.
The Untouchabohs, if they win this week, will continue a trend of improvement that spans several years. Beginning in Spring 2008 (Team ??, Light Blue, 1-7), the ‘Bohs floundered under a rookie QB who didn’t study all of the nuances of the BSSC team rules and had yet to master the offense. Good times were had, though, after games, as Chris ‘Full’ Nelson and Adrian ‘Aqua Iggy’ Hughes, V competed in a now-legendary contest of consuming six saltines in 60 seconds or less. Between the strategic errors and attendance issues, the ‘Bohs remained close in all but one game but could not get over the hump of victory. Victory humping is a very good thing…
The Fall 2008 Untouchabohs (Team 126, Maroon, 3-5), placed in the newly created ‘Less Filling’ division of Extreme Social Football, played a significantly tougher schedule but were still talented enough to start the season 2-2. Losing several additional games to a forfeit and/or lack of team attendance was dastardly and doomed the glorious ‘Bohs, building their reputation as an attractive team throughout the league, to a 1-3 finish.
During spring, a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love… and the corresponding women run screaming in the opposite direction. Thoughts also turn to BSSC two-hand touch, coed, football. The black-donning Untouchabohs (Team #96, Black, 4-4) lost a heartbreaker of an opener that involved three key untimely bounces. Those of you not present will lack memory of two balls that bounced out of receiver’s hands (and into defenders’ hands) in the end zone in a game the Untouchabohs lost by 4 points. They were light blue and featured a stubby little ahole of a ‘man’ who was in the right place at the right time. The Untouchabohs followed that crushing loss by displaying an emerging moxie that buttressed four consecutive wins. Buttressed by additions of Kyle ‘Bebe’ Montague, Brittany ‘Ham’ Hamilton, and Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray (subsequently renamed ‘Shutdown’). Unfortunately for the ‘Bohs, now as attractive as ever, attendance remained an issue while finishing with a disappointing 4-4.
This week’s game (Trap Game) is most assuredly a trap game. Attendance appears to be an issue as Captain-my-Captain Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert’s evite is a little barren in the attendance column. The Untouchabohs mustn’t lose the (Trap Game) focus of the ant-burning child and succumb to a potentially inferior adversary. If so, weeks of hard work, drinking, and fun would potentially yield the Untouchabohs out of the playoffs, an unfortunate (Trap Game) destiny – and a potentially bitter pill to swallow.
Bleed’ on three….(J/K). Go ‘Bohs!!!
Potpourri: ‘Shutdown’ Gray shared many beautiful and heartwarming pictures of his recent nuptials (congrats Will and Katrina); JD’s is a wonderful place to enjoy post-game libations (officially a Greek ritual of pouring a drink as an offering to a God); ‘Aqua Iggy’ Hughes, V is completely out-of-control with his spreadsheet of opponents (and he likes it); Trap Game Trap Game Trap Game; It is believed that cleats provide a higher degree of traction in damp, moist, or wet conditions.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Untouchabohs Pop Another Bubble of Perfection
Halloween Hallo-Win Against 4th Consecutive Undefeated Team
(Disassociated Press) 31 October 2009 - On a day where the weather and field conditions would be classified as sassy at best the glorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 6-1) slid by Johnson in the Slot (Team #138, Royal Blue, 6-1) on saturated Halloween Saturday at Patterson High Field #5.
Glee at the sight of one of the better BSSC referees quickly turned to dread as the referee-in-question (Jessica Marshall) removed her sweatshirt and donned the colors of the malevolent opponent. The Untouchabohs, sensitive to certain slack-jawed referees, have already lost one game this year where the referee's lack of attentiveness to down-and-distance may have initiated a downward spiral of play that culminated in a loss to the Mustangs (Team #142, Grey, 6-0-1).
On a day when the Captain, Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert was confiscating funds from Bank of America petulant patrons, Adrian 'Aqua Iggy' Hughes, V was forced to handle the coin toss... you all know how Mad Dog is able to trick the other team into giving the 'Bohs what they want, and Hughes mustered the mythical Lambert mojo to gain control of the first possession of the game. The magic finally stuck when the opponent, JITS (henceforth), took the wind in the first half - which would come into play at the end of the game...
The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive and fun-loving team, drove down the field with a mixture of gender-nonspecific passes that penetrated the JITS defense like an icepick through a bratty child's balloon. Humor was found early in this game by both teams as the line judge did not know how to count to five - causing players on both sides of the ball to count to themselves in a way that resembled an insane inmate counting to him/herself in the middle of a field. Returning was the injured Lauren 'Klavery' Havery, showing grit and guile, playing with an injured ankle. With a touchdown pass to her loving fiancé' Keith 'Don't call me klevin' Levin. With the conversion good (it was great actually) the glorious Untouchabohs took an 8-0 lead.
This lead would be short-lived, though as the typically stout 'Bohs' defense yielded a score. Overlooked throughout this offensive league is the fact that the Untouchabohs play a unique style of defense which gives opponents fits. Though the score was now 8-6 in favor of your benevolent 'Bohs the OD,B offense (Offense is Defense, B) took the field with a focus so intense that the Hubble was jealous from its orbit around the earth.
Defense wins championships, and the slippery slope that the defense encountered had more to do with the steady rain that fell throughout most of the game turning the field into a quagmire of sorts for those not donning long, vertical, protrusions from the bottom of their shoes. Tempers flared as the team enforcer, Darian 'Terrell Owens' Asghari, pulled men and ladies from the field of play like a man trying to start a lawnmower. His competitive fire burned so strong that it ignited a deep repressed fury from the normally gracious teammates - almost a form of submissive resentment toward the one referred to a 'T.O.' It turned out for the better as Stephanie 'Biscotti' Binetti fell, humorously I may add, on a field that had the consistency of a lubricant jelly. For everyone who did show up the team welcomed them with open arms and the message to consider buying cleats for the stretch-run.
The second Untouchabohs' drive also peppered the butter-soft zone with crisp passes, tight spirals, and a workmanlike pace. Key receptions by Jonny 'Secret Agent' Layne, Klevin (sorry pal), and Tanisha 'I wore cleats' Gulhar kept the drive alive. Though the line judge, wearing a soaked dark green shirt, appeared to be mute continuously through the first half the Untouchabohs didn't need to rush once on their way toward their ultimate destiny - the end zone. Scrambling to his right, the QB Hughes tossed the ball between two 'Bohs, and Mr. Levin stole the ball from Mr. Owens. The failed conversion left the Untouchabohs up 14-6.
Defense wins championships and your vainglorious 'Bohs forced the first turnover of the game on the JITS' ensuing possession. Faced with a 4th-and-1 from the 13 yard line (okay, somewhere near there...) the JITS failed to run a short route and doomed their quarterback to make a high-risk throw, one that fell to the ground haplessly due to the sloppy conditions and wet balls. Wet balls are hard to catch, write that down...
With a sense of urgency the Untouchabohs drove down the field. On first and two from just beyond midfield Hughes rolled right to find Will 'Shutdown' Gray running a beautiful 10 yard out - but wait, there's more! Hughes unleashed a pump-fake so potent that angels cried from the heavens, and Shutdown cut down the sideline. Outrunning the cover-2 safety coverage the ball was lofted perfectly and settled into the receiver's hands to take a 20-6 lead. Unfortunately for the 'Bohs they didn't milk enough of the clock and left the evil opponents with over a minute of time in the first half.
The slippery conditions, harming the JITS all game and cursing them with a consistent affliction of the 'dropsies,' actually aided the receivers as the Untouchabohs slid all over the field. The score with 8 seconds remaining and two-point conversion put the JITS back in the game and down by six at 20-14. Your 'Bohs, with the guidance of Secret Agent Layne tossed a 20-yard completion over the middle to gain valuable yards to attempt their hail-Mary. The timeout allowed the scheming QB to draw up the play with everyone running to the right side of the end-zone with Keith 'Touchdown' Levin cutting to the left corner pylon at the last second. A high spiral was lofted but fell harmlessly to the ground as the communication was broken between the QB and his receivers.
The second half was getting so sloppy that pigs were heard cheering from the neighbor's yards - quite a feat in row home-laden Baltimore. The JITS took the opening drive down and, displaying courage and grit, found a way to score. The stout 'Bohs defense held on the two-point conversion attempt and this beautiful game featuring two teams with one combined loss was reset 20-20. Your 'Bohs now had the ball with 13:45 left in the second half and had to score with purpose.
The color purple is a magnificent color in Baltimore, and nobody respects it more than the Untouchabohs. Since Mad Dog Lambert received written permission from the Baltimore Ravens to wear such a tremendous color the Untouchabohs have played with an intensity that belies their placement in a 3-of-4-tiers-coed-2-hand-touch-coed-football. Driving down the field, the Untouchabohs got to within one foot of the mid-line with their two completions - in another humorous in-game occurrence, Jonny 'I'm Open' Layne caught the ball and ran out of bounds just short of the mid-line as the quarterback was yelling for him to do just that. Who yells at you to NOT advance the ball?
The drive continued as the Untouchabohs ran the ball 3 straight times for less than one yard but burned over a minute of the game clock in this Field #5 affair. Tossing the ball across the line the 'Bohs reset their downs and continued their drive. Scoring on a passing play to Lauren 'I wore cleats! Look!' Asghari with 8:15 left in the game and converting the point-after-try put the protagonists up 28-20.
In Baltimore, we love defense, and defense wins championships. The Untouchabohs defense was able to curtail the JITS ensuing drive by denying a 4th-and-goal play though it was aided by a quarterback attempting to violate a cardinal BSSC rule and tried to 'throw a hot-dog in the rain.' They were still able to score - but the defense didn't yield the conversion and the lead stood at two with just under three minutes remaining. The low-point of Untouchaboh execution was about to strike, though, and the game wouldn't be over yet.
The 'Bohs offense, great at following Lambert's 'milking' sign all season long lost their focus for the first time in weeks and found themselves with a 4th-and-1 just beyond the mid-line. Hughes chose poorly and found his pass toward Keith 'Touchdown' Levin deflected by a lame zone defender to give JITS one last chance. With just over one minute left, the JITS drove down the field against several blown coverages and were able to get out of bounds. They did need to burn their timeouts on defense but they had plenty of time to take the lead.
Destiny struck again for the enraged and internally collapsing Untouchabohs as they forced Johnson in the Slot into a forced-gender 4th-and-1. With his female receivers running deep down the field Lauren 'Fe-QBDBMVP' Asghari picked-off the errant pass for the Untouchabohs' third forced turnover of the game. As the Untouchabohs ran out the clock both teams congratulated each other on a game well played and looked forward to nourishment at JD's...delicious.
The playoffs are now a real possibility though the Untouchabohs will face a trap game next week against Lauren Hoffman's naughtily-named Go Deep (Team #119, Black, 1-6) at Patterson Park #7 at High Noon. It will be a game that would bring Clint Eastwood a sense of pride as two teams will battle it out while screaming clichés' and hyperbole left and right. This will also be a game where Chris 'Full' Nelson will make a trip from his new life in Tampa, FL to visit his newlywed bride here in Baltimore. Hopefully the Untouchabohs will regain their focus and put down a team who has had trouble finding wins this season.
All told, the 'Bohs have had a tough stretch of schedule. They have had consecutive games against a 3-0, 4-0, 5-0, and 6-0 teams and have only lost to the well-coached and play-calling Mustangs. All told, the Untouchabohs' opponents this season have a combined record of 35-20-1, and if you remove Team #119's record (who the 'Bohs haven't played) and the combined record of opponents through 7 games is 34-14-1 which is a .704 winning percentage. Also factor in that if the opponents had not faced the Untouchabohs, their combined winning percentage against all other teams is 34-8-1 (.810 winning percentage). Amazing.
The intensity of the Untouchabohs, harnessed by Buddhist monks as a solar panel harnesses the sun for divine energy, will need to continue peaking at the right time if this season is going to extend beyond the 7th of November. Hopefully they will continue to execute and prove once again, that they are Untouchaboh!
Potpourri: Chris Nelson now lives in Tampa, FL and we all hope that the game is going well; Darian didn't question any playcalling in the first half (amazing); The Untouchabohs have thrown 34 TDs this year to 1 INT; Humorous play #3 occurred in the second half as Neel 'G' Gulhar took a pass and failed to make a cut after catching the ball; The irritating light blue team played immediately after the Untouchabohs on Saturday, I think they lost their cool, and the game... Tim Lambert was proud of the team and said so for the first time in a BSSCPN news conference from his office in Hunt Valley, MD; Aaron 'The Franchise' Warren lost one year of his life when the 4th-and-1 attempt fell incomplete (murmuring something about punching someone in the face...); Joe Flacco is advertising pizza while I'm writing this.
(Disassociated Press) 31 October 2009 - On a day where the weather and field conditions would be classified as sassy at best the glorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 6-1) slid by Johnson in the Slot (Team #138, Royal Blue, 6-1) on saturated Halloween Saturday at Patterson High Field #5.
Glee at the sight of one of the better BSSC referees quickly turned to dread as the referee-in-question (Jessica Marshall) removed her sweatshirt and donned the colors of the malevolent opponent. The Untouchabohs, sensitive to certain slack-jawed referees, have already lost one game this year where the referee's lack of attentiveness to down-and-distance may have initiated a downward spiral of play that culminated in a loss to the Mustangs (Team #142, Grey, 6-0-1).
On a day when the Captain, Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert was confiscating funds from Bank of America petulant patrons, Adrian 'Aqua Iggy' Hughes, V was forced to handle the coin toss... you all know how Mad Dog is able to trick the other team into giving the 'Bohs what they want, and Hughes mustered the mythical Lambert mojo to gain control of the first possession of the game. The magic finally stuck when the opponent, JITS (henceforth), took the wind in the first half - which would come into play at the end of the game...
The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive and fun-loving team, drove down the field with a mixture of gender-nonspecific passes that penetrated the JITS defense like an icepick through a bratty child's balloon. Humor was found early in this game by both teams as the line judge did not know how to count to five - causing players on both sides of the ball to count to themselves in a way that resembled an insane inmate counting to him/herself in the middle of a field. Returning was the injured Lauren 'Klavery' Havery, showing grit and guile, playing with an injured ankle. With a touchdown pass to her loving fiancé' Keith 'Don't call me klevin' Levin. With the conversion good (it was great actually) the glorious Untouchabohs took an 8-0 lead.
This lead would be short-lived, though as the typically stout 'Bohs' defense yielded a score. Overlooked throughout this offensive league is the fact that the Untouchabohs play a unique style of defense which gives opponents fits. Though the score was now 8-6 in favor of your benevolent 'Bohs the OD,B offense (Offense is Defense, B) took the field with a focus so intense that the Hubble was jealous from its orbit around the earth.
Defense wins championships, and the slippery slope that the defense encountered had more to do with the steady rain that fell throughout most of the game turning the field into a quagmire of sorts for those not donning long, vertical, protrusions from the bottom of their shoes. Tempers flared as the team enforcer, Darian 'Terrell Owens' Asghari, pulled men and ladies from the field of play like a man trying to start a lawnmower. His competitive fire burned so strong that it ignited a deep repressed fury from the normally gracious teammates - almost a form of submissive resentment toward the one referred to a 'T.O.' It turned out for the better as Stephanie 'Biscotti' Binetti fell, humorously I may add, on a field that had the consistency of a lubricant jelly. For everyone who did show up the team welcomed them with open arms and the message to consider buying cleats for the stretch-run.
The second Untouchabohs' drive also peppered the butter-soft zone with crisp passes, tight spirals, and a workmanlike pace. Key receptions by Jonny 'Secret Agent' Layne, Klevin (sorry pal), and Tanisha 'I wore cleats' Gulhar kept the drive alive. Though the line judge, wearing a soaked dark green shirt, appeared to be mute continuously through the first half the Untouchabohs didn't need to rush once on their way toward their ultimate destiny - the end zone. Scrambling to his right, the QB Hughes tossed the ball between two 'Bohs, and Mr. Levin stole the ball from Mr. Owens. The failed conversion left the Untouchabohs up 14-6.
Defense wins championships and your vainglorious 'Bohs forced the first turnover of the game on the JITS' ensuing possession. Faced with a 4th-and-1 from the 13 yard line (okay, somewhere near there...) the JITS failed to run a short route and doomed their quarterback to make a high-risk throw, one that fell to the ground haplessly due to the sloppy conditions and wet balls. Wet balls are hard to catch, write that down...
With a sense of urgency the Untouchabohs drove down the field. On first and two from just beyond midfield Hughes rolled right to find Will 'Shutdown' Gray running a beautiful 10 yard out - but wait, there's more! Hughes unleashed a pump-fake so potent that angels cried from the heavens, and Shutdown cut down the sideline. Outrunning the cover-2 safety coverage the ball was lofted perfectly and settled into the receiver's hands to take a 20-6 lead. Unfortunately for the 'Bohs they didn't milk enough of the clock and left the evil opponents with over a minute of time in the first half.
The slippery conditions, harming the JITS all game and cursing them with a consistent affliction of the 'dropsies,' actually aided the receivers as the Untouchabohs slid all over the field. The score with 8 seconds remaining and two-point conversion put the JITS back in the game and down by six at 20-14. Your 'Bohs, with the guidance of Secret Agent Layne tossed a 20-yard completion over the middle to gain valuable yards to attempt their hail-Mary. The timeout allowed the scheming QB to draw up the play with everyone running to the right side of the end-zone with Keith 'Touchdown' Levin cutting to the left corner pylon at the last second. A high spiral was lofted but fell harmlessly to the ground as the communication was broken between the QB and his receivers.
The second half was getting so sloppy that pigs were heard cheering from the neighbor's yards - quite a feat in row home-laden Baltimore. The JITS took the opening drive down and, displaying courage and grit, found a way to score. The stout 'Bohs defense held on the two-point conversion attempt and this beautiful game featuring two teams with one combined loss was reset 20-20. Your 'Bohs now had the ball with 13:45 left in the second half and had to score with purpose.
The color purple is a magnificent color in Baltimore, and nobody respects it more than the Untouchabohs. Since Mad Dog Lambert received written permission from the Baltimore Ravens to wear such a tremendous color the Untouchabohs have played with an intensity that belies their placement in a 3-of-4-tiers-coed-2-hand-touch-coed-football. Driving down the field, the Untouchabohs got to within one foot of the mid-line with their two completions - in another humorous in-game occurrence, Jonny 'I'm Open' Layne caught the ball and ran out of bounds just short of the mid-line as the quarterback was yelling for him to do just that. Who yells at you to NOT advance the ball?
The drive continued as the Untouchabohs ran the ball 3 straight times for less than one yard but burned over a minute of the game clock in this Field #5 affair. Tossing the ball across the line the 'Bohs reset their downs and continued their drive. Scoring on a passing play to Lauren 'I wore cleats! Look!' Asghari with 8:15 left in the game and converting the point-after-try put the protagonists up 28-20.
In Baltimore, we love defense, and defense wins championships. The Untouchabohs defense was able to curtail the JITS ensuing drive by denying a 4th-and-goal play though it was aided by a quarterback attempting to violate a cardinal BSSC rule and tried to 'throw a hot-dog in the rain.' They were still able to score - but the defense didn't yield the conversion and the lead stood at two with just under three minutes remaining. The low-point of Untouchaboh execution was about to strike, though, and the game wouldn't be over yet.
The 'Bohs offense, great at following Lambert's 'milking' sign all season long lost their focus for the first time in weeks and found themselves with a 4th-and-1 just beyond the mid-line. Hughes chose poorly and found his pass toward Keith 'Touchdown' Levin deflected by a lame zone defender to give JITS one last chance. With just over one minute left, the JITS drove down the field against several blown coverages and were able to get out of bounds. They did need to burn their timeouts on defense but they had plenty of time to take the lead.
Destiny struck again for the enraged and internally collapsing Untouchabohs as they forced Johnson in the Slot into a forced-gender 4th-and-1. With his female receivers running deep down the field Lauren 'Fe-QBDBMVP' Asghari picked-off the errant pass for the Untouchabohs' third forced turnover of the game. As the Untouchabohs ran out the clock both teams congratulated each other on a game well played and looked forward to nourishment at JD's...delicious.
The playoffs are now a real possibility though the Untouchabohs will face a trap game next week against Lauren Hoffman's naughtily-named Go Deep (Team #119, Black, 1-6) at Patterson Park #7 at High Noon. It will be a game that would bring Clint Eastwood a sense of pride as two teams will battle it out while screaming clichés' and hyperbole left and right. This will also be a game where Chris 'Full' Nelson will make a trip from his new life in Tampa, FL to visit his newlywed bride here in Baltimore. Hopefully the Untouchabohs will regain their focus and put down a team who has had trouble finding wins this season.
All told, the 'Bohs have had a tough stretch of schedule. They have had consecutive games against a 3-0, 4-0, 5-0, and 6-0 teams and have only lost to the well-coached and play-calling Mustangs. All told, the Untouchabohs' opponents this season have a combined record of 35-20-1, and if you remove Team #119's record (who the 'Bohs haven't played) and the combined record of opponents through 7 games is 34-14-1 which is a .704 winning percentage. Also factor in that if the opponents had not faced the Untouchabohs, their combined winning percentage against all other teams is 34-8-1 (.810 winning percentage). Amazing.
The intensity of the Untouchabohs, harnessed by Buddhist monks as a solar panel harnesses the sun for divine energy, will need to continue peaking at the right time if this season is going to extend beyond the 7th of November. Hopefully they will continue to execute and prove once again, that they are Untouchaboh!
Potpourri: Chris Nelson now lives in Tampa, FL and we all hope that the game is going well; Darian didn't question any playcalling in the first half (amazing); The Untouchabohs have thrown 34 TDs this year to 1 INT; Humorous play #3 occurred in the second half as Neel 'G' Gulhar took a pass and failed to make a cut after catching the ball; The irritating light blue team played immediately after the Untouchabohs on Saturday, I think they lost their cool, and the game... Tim Lambert was proud of the team and said so for the first time in a BSSCPN news conference from his office in Hunt Valley, MD; Aaron 'The Franchise' Warren lost one year of his life when the 4th-and-1 attempt fell incomplete (murmuring something about punching someone in the face...); Joe Flacco is advertising pizza while I'm writing this.
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