Ridiculous Miracle Allows ‘The Grapes of Wrath’ to Tie Unbeaten Untouchabohs
(Aqua Iggy News) 11 April 2010 – The pass left the purple-clad quarterback’s stubby little hand less than ten yards from victory, one point that had the potential to simultaneously alter two seasons. Unfortunately for the rotund tosser there was a swarm of determined, imposing, and prideful defenders representing the Orange Crush defense of the ‘10s who would have nothing to do with such fantastic notions. Converging with a closing speed like a cheetah closing on a kill, several orange-clad defenders emphatically swatted the one-point attempt down with the mercy commensurate of a medieval master of torture.
The Untouchabohs take over the upstairs at JD's.
This was all one could ask for as a clash of two unbeaten Titans of the LFL collided on a crystal-clear day at Patterson Park Field #4 as the Grapes of Wrath (Team #111, Purple, 2-0-1) ended the game against the Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 2-0-1) with a tie. Quarterback Adrian ‘I Remember That’ Hughes was muttering phrases to himself, referencing the quote that a ‘Tie is like kissing your sister,’ first uttered by Navy football coach Eddie Erdelatz after a tie with Duke in 1953(1).
Sweet-talking the official before the game provided the Home Field ‘Bohs with a slight advantage for the ‘coin toss,’ and interesting game of ‘odds-or-evens’ that the referee uses to determine the winner. Hughes, line-judging the previous game, overheard the referee mention that he always holds two fingers behind his back. This seemingly trivial piece of data was mined for all it was worth by living-legend coach Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert as he obtained possession of the ball for the third straight game. LFL authorities are looking into the matter as there is continuing concern that Coach Lambert is using some warlock-like powers or other dark magic to secure his now trademark of getting the ball to start the game despite winning or losing the coin toss.
The hot weather had a cooling effect on the typically-crisp Untouchabohs’ OD,B offense. The opening possession appeared more like a remake of ‘Drop It Like It’s Hot’ and less like the efficient completion-based offense that long-time followers of the glorious Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, typically execute. Dropping 3 of the first 8 passes put the ‘Bohs in the LFL’s second-worst position – 4th-and-mid. A clutch reception by Darian ‘My Shorts Aren’t Red Anymore’ Asghari immediately across the mid-line continued the clock-milking drive and converted the first down. Consuming several more minutes of drive-time, and overcoming several more drops, the ‘Bohs’ Lauren ‘My Husband’s Not Wearing Red Shorts So I Had a Hard Time Finding the Field’ Asghari received the tight spiral for the first score of the game. A well-run conversion put the glorious Untouchabohs ahead 8-0 after burning almost 8 minutes of clock.
Facing a team that’s clad in purple, the Orange Crush defense of the Untouchabohs faced a nemesis in a really-quick short girl (Coach Kristen Greene), a giraffe-tall ex-basketball player at the University of New Mexico (he was a talllll bitch), and a quarterback that resembled the love-child of James Gandolfini and Kal Penn (see photos below). Kumar Soprano, the quarterback and not exactly a threat to run, repeatedly looked for either the Giraffe or Greene to throw too, and typically on deeper routes. If a rematch occurs in the playoffs, this deep attack will lead to their demise as several balls were tipped and almost intercepted. The Gods must have been favoring the purple-clad monkey whores on this day… Driving down the field, and luckily converting several 4th-down situations, the antagonist ‘Grapes’ scored a TD. Excellent defense by Keith ‘I’ll Pick You Off’ Levin terminated the conversion with an interception to keep the ‘Bohs ahead 8-6.
Sweet-talking the official before the game provided the Home Field ‘Bohs with a slight advantage for the ‘coin toss,’ and interesting game of ‘odds-or-evens’ that the referee uses to determine the winner. Hughes, line-judging the previous game, overheard the referee mention that he always holds two fingers behind his back. This seemingly trivial piece of data was mined for all it was worth by living-legend coach Tim ‘The Real Tim Shady’ Lambert as he obtained possession of the ball for the third straight game. LFL authorities are looking into the matter as there is continuing concern that Coach Lambert is using some warlock-like powers or other dark magic to secure his now trademark of getting the ball to start the game despite winning or losing the coin toss.
The hot weather had a cooling effect on the typically-crisp Untouchabohs’ OD,B offense. The opening possession appeared more like a remake of ‘Drop It Like It’s Hot’ and less like the efficient completion-based offense that long-time followers of the glorious Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, typically execute. Dropping 3 of the first 8 passes put the ‘Bohs in the LFL’s second-worst position – 4th-and-mid. A clutch reception by Darian ‘My Shorts Aren’t Red Anymore’ Asghari immediately across the mid-line continued the clock-milking drive and converted the first down. Consuming several more minutes of drive-time, and overcoming several more drops, the ‘Bohs’ Lauren ‘My Husband’s Not Wearing Red Shorts So I Had a Hard Time Finding the Field’ Asghari received the tight spiral for the first score of the game. A well-run conversion put the glorious Untouchabohs ahead 8-0 after burning almost 8 minutes of clock.
Facing a team that’s clad in purple, the Orange Crush defense of the Untouchabohs faced a nemesis in a really-quick short girl (Coach Kristen Greene), a giraffe-tall ex-basketball player at the University of New Mexico (he was a talllll bitch), and a quarterback that resembled the love-child of James Gandolfini and Kal Penn (see photos below). Kumar Soprano, the quarterback and not exactly a threat to run, repeatedly looked for either the Giraffe or Greene to throw too, and typically on deeper routes. If a rematch occurs in the playoffs, this deep attack will lead to their demise as several balls were tipped and almost intercepted. The Gods must have been favoring the purple-clad monkey whores on this day… Driving down the field, and luckily converting several 4th-down situations, the antagonist ‘Grapes’ scored a TD. Excellent defense by Keith ‘I’ll Pick You Off’ Levin terminated the conversion with an interception to keep the ‘Bohs ahead 8-6.
James Galdolfini
Kal Penn
Kal Penn
Working the clock like a newborn working a bottle, the Bohs’ offense continued dropping passes, but the rhythm was improving. Gliding down the dusty field like farmers working the dust bowl conditions of the 1930s, the OD,B milked several more minutes of clock. Despite the sputtering nature of the drive, key passes to BSSC rookie Jake Brim and short completions to the ‘Bohs’ Beauties (thanks Bob Barker) culminated in a touchdown to Danielle ‘Doctor’ Madison. The conversion attempt was dropped by the Untouchabohs’ receiver on a low throw from Hughes that barely eluded the grape-colored defender and left the ‘Bohs ahead 14-6.
With the offense milking the clock like a farmer with a prized cow, the Untouchabohs’ defense, 17 people strong, was deep, fresh, and angry. Swarming with a purpose that would make killer bees proud, the Untouchabohs Orange Crush defense ceased the ‘Grapes’ momentum. With a fierce tackle with BSSC rookie Emily ‘My Bite is Worse Than My’ Burke setting the tone early in the drive, the ferocity was also present with Anastasia ‘Blue Devil’ Dolgovskij jumping a route to get a full hand on the quarterback’s ball (tee hee hee). The defense forced an incompletion on 4th down just inside Untouchabohs’ territory and the astute male Asghari called a timeout.
With about 7 seconds left, and time for one play, the ‘Bohs called a play that would have made Hannibal Smith proud. Screaming off of the line like jets from an aircraft carrier, the ‘Bohs’ receivers worked the purple zone and a 35-yard attempt was heaved to the open Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne in the end zone. Layne was violated from behind by the ‘Grapes’ defender like a stuffing-filled turkey at Thanksgiving in a valiant effort that left Layne dirty for an Untouchabohs’ team record 14 straight games. A BSSCPN representative on-hand to write a story about the oft-soiled ‘Bohs player is doing a piece on the Top-10 BSSC records that will never be broken. Layne will have another opportunity next week to add to his historic streak.
Halftime brought a reprieve from the heat as the swarming Orange Crush defense was sweating like a bunch of naughty criminals surrounded by the police. Munching on trail mix, Gatorade, and inspired by the inspirational barks of Charles ‘Chuck’ Asghari (the bike-dog for those of you new to the team) the ‘Bohs prepared for an important second half. Defense wins championships, and the Orange Crush was going to need to keep up the intensity to keep this game in favor of the protagonist Untouchabohs. Conversions in the second half are key and would determine the fate of the game.
The ‘Grapes’ started with the ball and the wind in the second half, but due to the conversion lines being poorly spaced, the conversions for the ‘Grapes’ would be slightly more difficult in that direction. For those scoring at home, driving to the western side of the field required a 7-yard 1-pt PAT and a 12-yard 2-pt PAT versus driving to the eastern portion of the field with 4 and 8 yard conversion distances, respectively.
Continuing the trend of deep passes, Kumar Soprano the quarterback continually found miracle throws working their way into the hands of receivers. Ugly in execution, but successful in nature, the ‘Grapes’ converted another 4th-and-mid to keep a drive alive. Continuing to toss passes to the Giraffe and the slut-coach with the rolled-up-sleeves, Team #111 found themselves in scoring range. Converting a 4th-and-goal from about one John Holmes-length left the score at 14-12. The ensuing conversion was good for the evil doers, and the game was tied at 14 apiece.
The tempo of the drives improved in the second half. Moving down the field and working the clock with a deft touch on the short passes the OD,B offense was workin’ it! Without ever facing a 4th down situation, the first long drive of the game not to have that distinction, the QB completed a pass to Lauren Asghari for the score. Score, check. Time run off of the clock, check. Failed conversion – dern’it – check. The score had advanced one more time and now stood at 20-12.
The Grapes’ offense never found a rhythm all game against the ‘Bohs though it always seemed to find a way to move the ball. Considering their 5-3 record last year and their advancement into the playoffs it would need to be stated that they are luckier than they are good. Their offense appears to lack the concept of the offensive game, one that Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren instills, but overcomes the lack of understanding by making one lucky pass per drive. This doesn’t succeed in the playoffs, and will never succeed again if the rematch occurs. That said, the ‘Grape Apes’ got lucky enough to score and convert to bring the game to a 20-to-20 tie with about four minutes remaining.
The Grapes’ offense never found a rhythm all game against the ‘Bohs though it always seemed to find a way to move the ball. Considering their 5-3 record last year and their advancement into the playoffs it would need to be stated that they are luckier than they are good. Their offense appears to lack the concept of the offensive game, one that Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren instills, but overcomes the lack of understanding by making one lucky pass per drive. This doesn’t succeed in the playoffs, and will never succeed again if the rematch occurs. That said, the ‘Grape Apes’ got lucky enough to score and convert to bring the game to a 20-to-20 tie with about four minutes remaining.
Knowing what to do, the ‘Silver’ series of the Untouchabohs made it onto the field for what was supposed to be a game-winning drive. Milking the clock with short and intermediate passes, none of which were ever even close to being tipped, the ‘Bohs moved into scoring range yet again. Working the clock down, deeper and deeper… slowly, deeper and deeper (think Office Space people), the ‘Bohs hypnotized the Grapes into a light sleep and scored with just over 20 seconds remaining in the game. The conversion was apparently good when Kendall ‘MY Ball’ Crawford dove across the back of the end-zone to make an almost BSSCPN Top-10 Play, but the conversion was overturned when the referee incorrectly thought Crawford stepped out-of-bounds then caught the pass. The score moved to 26-20 and, magically, the offense had about 20 seconds remaining.
It was down to their lumbering baboon of a quarterback versus the Orange Crush defense. Fate had to be on the ‘Bohs side – they had done everything right all game. Forcing incompletions on the first two attempts of the drive put the Grapes of Wrath behind the Eight-Boh. Unfortunately, the STD-laden captain ran a deep route and the quarterback threw a lucky deep ball. Catching the ball while being tagged by the defender, the referee ruled that control had not been obtained until after the ‘tackle’ and therefore did not count, the Grape Whore ran into the end zone for the tying score. The attempted one-point conversion was the difference between an Untouchabohs’ loss or a tie.
Taking the snap, the Grape Ape QB quickly saw a crossing route to the Giraffe get snuffed-out by several hard-working ‘Bohs defenders. He then looked across to his left to see Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin covering his man with no hope of a completion. The ‘Bohs Beauties shut down any opportunity to toss the ball to a player with two ‘X’ chromosomes. It was at this moment, the “Five-Count” that pressure was immediately applied and forced the waddling tub-of-grape to heave a ‘duck’ toward the center of the end zone. Angrily, and with purpose, the orange-clad Orange Crush swatted the ball to the ground to preserve the tie and return the ball to the offense with about 14 seconds to play.
The only humerous moment of the game occurred on this ‘Bohs drive. With all but one of the Grapes’ defenders outside of the end zone Darian Asghari muttered ‘Do you want to run this across the midline?’ The lone ‘rusher’ for the Grapes turned and yelled to her teammates that there was ‘a chance he will run.’ Taking full advantage of her turning around, Hughes alertly called for the snap of the ball and ran right by the defender, only belatedly aware of how her lack of attention benefitted the ‘Bohs. Hughes was able to run from his own 10 yard line to about the opponent’s 20 yard line, a significant 30-yard scamper, before running out of bounds. One play remained to gain victory.
It wasn’t in the cards, as the ‘Bohs’ receivers were well covered at that distance, and the pass to the left corner of the end zone harmlessly fell incomplete. A valiant effort, it was not valiant enough and the ‘Bohs settled for an unsatisfying tie.
Next, the Untouchabohs take on Our Chicks Score (Team #112, Irish Green, 1-2) at high NOON on Dundalk Community College Field #2. Make no mistake about this team, they were 7-1 last season and have all of their players returning this season. As a Daisy Yellow team in the fall, they were the host of the second playoff game that the Untouchabohs played and kept the game close until a late turnover by Kendall ‘I told you that’s MY ball’ Crawford sealed the deal. Having two losses already this season means they are desperate for a victory, and they desperately want to savor victory over the Untouchabohs.
We will not allow that to happen...
Potpourri:
- Hughes washed all 3 balls at home to remove the dust and the stench of the non-win;
- All TD’s were to those with two ‘X’ chromosomes;
- 3 failed PATs was the difference today;
- The square sported a guy on a motorcycle with a skeleton as a second rider (DA mentioned that was one bad divorce);
- The square also hosted a guy who kept trying to start fights with everyone around him – dumbass;
- A scary moment occurred when Will ‘Shutdown’ Grey was struck on the head and laid on the field for a few moments (get better Will, we need you);
- Hughes saw the guy at Looney’s who tipped a 4th-and-1 attempt to Keith on PHS #5 last season (they were 6-0 before they played us, and 6-1 afterwards);
- The black team on the field before us was the team that lost on a tipped Hail-Mary at Holabird 2 prior to our previous game;
- ‘Bohs’ QBs have 16 TDs and 1 INT (Week 2 on a tip...);
- Conversions for the season are 10/16;
- Lambert obtained the ball to start the game for the third consecutive time this season.
(1) American Dialect Society listserv message, Nov. 26, 2002, http://listserv.linguistlist.org/cgi-bin/wa?A2=ind0211d&L=ads-l&D=0&P=7866
