Shorthanded Tie Provides Untouchabohs With Playoff Momentum

Strangely Dressed Referee Has Thin Skin

30 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) - The Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2-1) completed their first four-win and undefeated month with a hard-fought tie against Kirsten Basore's Trouser Snakes (Team #6, Maroon, 4-3-1) Saturday on slippery Lou Karpouzie Field #1. The bizarre game featured a plethora of drops and drama blended with grit and guile to ensure that the Untouchabohs reached the 32-team postseason in their initial foray into the BSSC's Tastes Great League (TGL).

It is difficult enough to have an opponent on the field, or a referee with an apparent vendetta, but facing both can cause a team to fold under the pressure. Instead of folding, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, buttressed their mettle with a dose of resolve, and held on for a 30-30 tie to ensure a Fall 2010 playoff berth.

With several key players arriving late, Tim 'Warlock' Lambert sent some mystical powers to the field ahead of the coin toss, a bizarre game of 'odds or evens' played behind the referee's back, allowing Adrian 'Iggy' Hughes to win the ball and direction - as if the opponent even had a choice or a chance.

The initial drive was peppered with crisp throws, timely catches, but a few drops. As the Untouchabohs were about to cross the midline, on 4th-and-mid, the first down pass hit the ground for a quick turnover with about 14 minutes remaining in the first half. Slightly stunned, but still focused, the Untouchabohs' defense took the field.

Defense wins championships, and with the turnover the Untouchabohs could ill afford to give up a touchdown and commensurate two-point conversion. Buckling down on the Trouser Snakes like a beartrap in the woods, the defense yielded a hard-earned touchdown. Despite the touchdown, the omnipresent omnipotence of the offense-stopping 'Bohs' defense was in full display. With the Trouser Snakes fighting for the two-point conversion, the pass to the right side of the end zone was completed to the maroon-clad receiver. Unfortunately for him, the entire ball AND body must cross the goalline in order for the scoring to count - and therefore the turnover only yielded six points for the TS and the ODB offense was going to take the field.

In a league where turnovers are at a premium, the 'Bohs knew that they needed to score twice, but score in such a way as to avoid allowing the Snakes to get back-to-back possessions since they would get the ball to begin the second half. That said, the ODB offense needed to pick up the pace while still striking with lethally-accurate short passes. Moving down the field, and facing a forced-gender and goal, Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari ran a low-post maneuver to create separation and the pass was guided with the touch of an angel into the receiver's hands. The 'Bohs were able to capitalize on the conversion, finally having a conversion play for the first time ever, and took an 8-6 lead.

The defense was going to be called-upon, again, to slow and or stop the Snakes' offense. On their second possession of the game, they dodged a bullet - or so they thought! With the TS's QB dropping back, and the count reaching 5, Darian 'All-BSSC Safety' Asghari was on his way to the QB as the ball was released in the direction of a female receiver. Weaving his way through traffic like a hell-bent soccer mom on Baltimore's Beltway, the ball shocked the defender and bounced through his hands and onto the ground.

The near pick-six served as a warning that the Untouchabohs' defense is stout and relentless. Feeling like a bullet had been dodged, the guard of the Trouser Snakes had been let down, and opportunity presented itself to the 'Bohs for a second time. The TS QB released his next pass with too much touch into a slight, but present wind. As the ball drifted toward the receiver, like a child’s balloon toward the heavens, Wes ‘Welker’ Gilbert mercilessly attacked the ball like a puma after prey. Gilbert ripped the ball from the hapless receiver’s hands for the timely turnover and the ‘Bohs were going on a roll.

Starting with excellent field position, Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari ran the same route that she’s run every time in history and scored a crucial touchdown to take a 14-6 lead. Amazingly enough, the Untouchabohs scored their eighth straight conversion (dating back to the pre-forfeit game) to extend the lead to 16-6. The pressure fell on the defense for the third time in the half.

Still bringing the heat, the ‘Bohs were able to turn the Trouser Snakes over for the second time in three possessions on great defense, stifling coverage, and a little black magic. Taking the ball with 43 seconds remaining, and great field possession again, an incomplete pass necessitated the usage of the first team timeout. The second pass, rifled with a hatred of the football, found its way into the hands of the ‘Bohs receiver for the critical touchdown and a 22-6 lead. The conversion streak was broken, but the offense validated the valiant efforts of the voracious defense in taking a 16 point lead – a lead that would prove critical with the bizarre second half about to commence.

The Trouser Snakes moved the ball down the field, barely, on their first drive of the second half. Not able to take advantage of the deep ball that they so desperately wanted – in part due to the safety play of Darian Asghari and in part due to the suffocating coverage of the Untouchabohs’ defenders such as Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray, Keith ‘Don’t call me Klevin’ Levin, and Kendall ‘That’s MY ball’ Crawford. That said, somehow the naughtily-named and maroon clad morons were able to break the plane of the end zone and cut the ‘Bohs’ lead to 22-12.

The next Untouchabohs’ drive mimicked the Trouser Snakes more than the ODB offense – moving in fits and spurts. Methodical in nature and dull in enthusiasm, the drive included two runs by the QB Hughes to move the ball and one nifty move to outsmart the defense into a mistake. With his patented (well, it’s patented now) fake run to the left, the maroon defender believed Hughes had crossed the line and rushed the QB. Unfortunately for him, Hughes had only feigned the line-crossing goodness that a BSSC QB is allowed on his side of the field, and the five-yard penalty for offsides was called – giving the ‘Bohs a much needed first and two on the TS side of the field. The drive ended with another TD to Lauren 'I'm going to run the same route every time and YOU CAN'T STOP ME' Asghari, who ran the same route that she’s run forever – with Danielle ‘I missed the game last week and I'm now engaged’ Madison running the mirrored route to the left – for the touchdown. The conversion – now a staple of the Untouchabohs’ offense – extended the lead to 30-12.

The clouds were forming and a storm was brewing for the Untouchabohs – in the form of the lame duck referee dressed as… well, lameness. After the Snakes scored a touchdown, and failed another conversion, to close the gap to 30-18, the ‘Bohs offense was on the field. With an incomplete pass to the right, and Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne on the ground from the IMPACT of two maroon players HITTING HIM, a flash of yellow tore through the sky in the form of the lame referee’s lame penalty flag. When the call was not in the ‘Bohs’ favor, Layne was unceremoniously ejected for barely uttering a sound – to this day nobody heard Jonny even speak -  leaving the Untouchabohs with a 7-on-8 disadvantage for the rest of the game. It was up to the resilient ‘Bohs to defend Jonny’s honor, friendship, and loyalty – and to ensure that they did not suffer a backbreaking loss. Milking the clock on the current drive as best as they could, a failed 4th-and-goal conversion occurred and turned the ball over to the Trouser Snakes.

Moxie, grit, and guile are staples of the ‘Bohs – and it was on full display. Without the pressure of a safety to end a play around five seconds, the ‘Bohs defenders had to cover until the TS QB decided to throw the ball – a daunting task. Despite their best efforts, the Snakes scored and, as is a staple of the ‘Bohs defense, prevented a successful conversion to keep the lead in favor of the Untouchabohs 30-24 over the Trouser Snakes.

Evil demons were watching, and taunting, the Untouchabohs on their second drive of the half. After gaining a first down, barely across the midline, the ODB offense gained two completions, but not a lot of distance. Desperately in need of yardage, and a game clinching touchdown, the ‘Bohs receivers moved through the tight zone of the maroon morons. Coming free from a deep route, a ‘Bohs receiver opened up in the nick of time as pressure was crossing the line in the form of a Redskin Hat wearing toolbox with speed. Barely able to release the ball in time, the pass attempt hit the ground, forcing a 20-yard fourth and goal. With a play drawn in the sand, receivers crossing from left to right along the goaline, the coup de gras was still possible. Taking the snap, and drifting behind the midline to allow more time for the receiver to work deep, the crossing routes of the two primary receivers freed three ‘Bohs receivers along the goaline. With the count reaching ‘Five,’ Hughes fired a laser to the near–left quadrant of the end zone only to have the ball fall to the ground. It was going to be the defense to secure the game from this point forward.

Time was running out, and a loss to the maroon Trouser Snakes would have added another 5-win team to the playoff mix while a win would ensure a playoff future in the Tastes-Great League (TGL) postseason. The valiant, and tiring, defense was able to hold off the Snakes for long enough but eventually yielded a game-tying touchdown to even the score at 30-30 – with the two-point conversion holding both teams hostage for the final play of the game. The Snakes snapped the ball to the QB and, with time appearing to run on forever, the targeted receiver slipped to the ground at the same time that the ‘Bohs’ defender slipped to the ground. With time still running, and the ‘Bohs unable to apply pressure with the safety blitz, the maroon receiver broke loose of his coverage in the right-rear of the end zone. The same demons that stuck the ‘Bohs with the untimely ejection were about to strike the Snakes. The quarterback, not under any pressure whatsoever, and only trying for the one-point PAT, tossed the ball to the receiver – but the ball bounced through his hands and to the ground. Tie-game, Untouchabohs are IN the playoffs, and free football for all of those who count in the eyes of the TGL Warlock-Led ‘Bohs.

Next up for the Untouchabohs (Team #31, Purple, 5-2-1, Playoff Seed #22) are Buck Young’s You do you. Ima do me. (Team #75, Red, 6-2, Playoff Seed #11) at 11:00 on Patterson Park Field #6, Saturday, 6 November 2010. This is free football for everyone who shows up, and we need you to be there! Go ‘Bohs!

Potpourri:


• The ‘Bohs have won the coin toss three times this season, and started with the ball, but not the desired direction;
• The ‘Bohs have lost the coin toss five times this season, and four times started with the ball AND desired direction;
• Darian Asghari set a team records for QB sacks this season with six – breaking the previous record of two!
• The ‘Bohs have outscored opponents 262 to 186 this season, an average margin of 9.5 points per game;
• The ‘Bohs have converted 78% of conversions over the last three games, while averaging 20% for the previous 13;
• Meanwhile, they only allow conversions at a 20% clip (one out of every five, on average);
• Opponents turn the ball over approximately 37% of their drives versus the ODB average of 20%;
• ‘Boh’s QBs have thrown 39 touchdowns this season as compared to one interception;
• Upon hearing about the engagement of Aaron 'The Franchise' Warren and Danielle 'Not James' Madison, Adrian Hughes picked-up, and spun, 'Not James' around several times with glee! and
• We all, by fighting together, through weddings, travel and engagements, managed to earn free football!