Go Deep Lacks Depth in 50-22 Shellacking

A Season's-Worth of Frustration Expelled on Really Nice Team

(Disassociated Press) 7 November 2009 – Indian summer, officially the first warming period after the season’s initial frosting, brought glorious conditions to the vainglorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Purple, 7-1) as they massacred the undermanned (literally) Go Deep (Team #119, Black, 1-7) on Patterson High Field #7 Saturday.

Initial note: Never again will we conduct ourselves in the way that we conducted ourselves against an overmatched and undermanned opponent. I hope that most of us can look back at the game with a candid eye and note that we should have called off the dogs a little sooner than we did – since we didn’t call off the dogs all game. It should not be lost that we had just had 4 consecutive games against teams with a combined 18-0 record, and that explains why we were all as giddy as schoolgirls at the sight of a meek and toothless team who subsequently watched us celebrate, and graciously took our photo after the game. If we ever play a wounded team again, after the game has been put away, we will still play hard but we will NEVER rub it in like we did on Saturday. At the time, our Hail Mary at the end of the first half is satisfactory, but driving at the end of the game, up by 28, was unacceptable. I take full blame for this localized low-class maneuver and I will never let it happen again.

That said… I continue…

The Untouchabohs were facing a team that actually resembled the Untouchabohs of 3 of the last 4 seasons – talented but with only 7 players (4 of which were women) – literally undermanned. Go Deep fought hard and with a great deal of tenacity all game but still found themselves down at the half 22-14. It would have been more, but the referee, the Redskins ski cap-wearing fool (who’s not all that bad, actually) disallowed a full-field Hail Mary that was completed from Aqua Iggy Hughes to Kendall ‘That’s MY ball’ Crawford as time expired. That actually put the Untouchabohs in a position where they were only up one score (and conversion) with Go Deep getting the ball to start the second half.

Proof is in the pudding, and the ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, did show that they were unwilling to play down to an inferior opponent. As a Terrapin fan, this is something I’m familiar with as those teams always seem to play up, or down, to the opponent at hand (grrrrrr). Driving down the field on the initial possession, the ‘Bohs completed a deep pass to Will ‘Shutdown’ Gray on the same route run the previous week. Hughes found the cannon-of-old and threw a laser beam over-and-through Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne to fail to convert (again) on the PAT.

Hughes doesn’t have any idea how the turnover happened on the ‘Deep’s initial possession since he was talking to the 0-8 Purple team that remained after the game to watch the drubbing. The ‘Bohs did take over, though, on such a short field that Hughes, barely aware he was playing offense again, overthrew the ENTIRE FIELD by 15 yards. The ‘Bohs were still able to score and put themselves up 14-0 with the successful conversion.

The proof is still in the pudding, as the following 3 possessions of the game will show. The Untouchabohs have made a living by controlling the clock and limiting the opponent’s opportunities to score. By deviating from this, the ‘Bohs actually risked this game being closer than it should have been…

The Go Deep really were getting pounded all game but did exhibit gender-play dominance. Driving down the field and scoring. The subsequent conversion put the devious ‘Deepers’ down by 6 with plenty of time remaining in the first half. Lesson! The greedy and somewhat malevolent ‘Bohs decided to air it out again and scored on 5 plays to extend their lead, with the successful PAT to Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert, to 22-8. By not milking any clock, your magnificent ‘Bohs gave the gritty opponent a chance to drive down the field again. A clear violation of the Offense is Defense, Biotch (OD,B) offense the ‘Bohs have run all season. This will not extend into this important weekend’s playoffs!

Moving from left-to-right on your screen, the Go Deep continued gender play dominance and scored another TD in the first half. Scoring was Lauren ‘The Blonde Captain of the Opponents’ Hoffman who made a fantastic, leaping, catch in the end zone. The failed PAT still shrunk the lead, like cold temperatures shrink a naked male, to 22-14 and gave the ‘Bohs the ball back with less than one minute remaining.

Trickeration typically manages to 1) trick the opponent (a good thing) and 2) trick the referees. Unfortunately for the Untouchabohs, they managed to trick the opponents like a manevolent weird uncle ‘removing’ the nose of a child – and the result was the same… the child cries. A deep ball to Chris ‘Tampa’ Nelson toward the right corner of the end zone fell incomplete and left the ‘Bohs with less than 20 seconds to run a play. ‘Iggy’ Hughes had Nelson throw the ball back to the field of play and quickly substituted Kendall ‘Mason’ Crawford in from the near line. With the ball snapped immediately prior to the end of the half, Crawford exploded (literally – I heard sounds) down the field and toward the end zone. Hughes heaved a ball from behind his own two-point conversion line and into the waiting arms of the receiver. The referee, obviously a little confused, said the play did not count for 2 reasons: a player cannot be out of bounds on the opposite sideline of a game and that the ‘Bohs sported an ‘illegal formation’ since a player was more than 15 yards from the center. Lame, but so is his ski cap. (Not because it is a Redskins ski cap, mind you, but because it was almost 70 degrees…)

Halftime brought a touch of focus as Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren reminded the playoff-bound team that they were only one score behind and would have the ball to begin the second half. Strong and confident, with hubris abound, the Untouchabohs were mentally preparing to squash the inferior opponent in a way that would make applesauce squeamish at the thought. It would bear out, as the second half unfolded, that Go Deep was lacking depth and running out of steam.

The rest of the game….

Untouchabohs’ football is defensive football, and the ‘Bohs shut down the opponent in the second half. Keeping Go Deep out of the end zone on their first possession of the half followed the mantra of ‘Defense Wins Championships.’ Driving down the field on the ensuing possession, the Untouchabohs put themselves up by another touchdown to extend their lead to 28-14. This is when the tide really turned for Go Deep.

The ‘Bohs, not letting off the accelerator yet, continued playing 8-on-8 with the 14 point lead and drove down the field. Unfortunately for Go Deep, one of their players received quite a bit of contact on a conversion and his fuse had been burning since the first half. He finally exploded and accidentally lit the fire of the quarterback of your 7-1 ‘Bohs. As a pass fell incomplete, with the ‘Bohs basically running out the clock and back into the groove of the OD,B offense, the opponent decided to KICK the ball 20 yards from the end zone. 

Granted, you’re getting your ass handed to you on a rusty platter, but don’t lose your cool in a 2-hand touch, coed, 3^rd of 4 tiers, beer league football game. By kicking the ball back to the Untouchabohs, a competitive fire ignited within Hughes setting off a nuclear reaction of fission-like fury. Keith ‘Don’t call me Klevin’ Levin saw the kicked ball, witnessed a rage-driven fury of passion, and knew that an all-out massacre was about to come to pass. The two plays that followed produced a crisp TD throw and a dagger of a conversion to extend the lead again to 36-14.

The play of the game graced the whipped Go Deep. A deep throw to one of the three tall blondes that the ‘Deep’ employ was too deep… or was it?!? A falling, over the shoulder, fingertip catch – now a top play on the BSSCPN list, gave the ‘Deep’ some new life and led them to their final score of the game. Putting up one final 8-spot, the score was as close as it would be at 36-22.

Highlights of the final seconds included Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne tossing a conversion to Neel ‘I was wide open all game – seriously, all game – but I understand that you were trying to run out the clock and not embarrass the other team’ Gulhar. Keith ‘I dropped 2 picks today’ Levin did have his hands all over the opponents’ Hot Dog (remember, in Darian ‘Suspended’ Asghari-speak, a Hot Dog is a football too big for you to use) and did record an INT to stall a Go Deep drive. It should also be noted that Keith caught a would-be interception that was nullified by a ‘Secret Agent’ sack. Please also not that Mr. Layne had a conversion, an interception, several tackles, and a sack in this game and is nominated for BSSC Player of the Week.

As the clock hit zero, magnificence appeared in the hands of ‘Don’t call me Klevin’ as he uncorked (literally) two bottles of champagne to celebrate the initial playoff run of the Untouchabohs’ franchise. Words of appreciation and congratulation by Aaron ‘I love the ‘Droid’ Warren were uttered before a team picture was taken by a member of the classy ‘Go Deep.’ It was a satisfying victory after a string of tense contests with playoff-caliber teams for your Untouchabohs who have proven yet again that when everyone shows up, they are, indeed, Untouchaboh!

Potpourri:  Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren finally picked up his Droid and was seen dancing in the streets in a way that would cause one to rewrite the lyrics of ‘Frosty the Snowman;’ With 7 more TDs on Saturday, Hughes has a TD/INT ratio of 41-1 (several plays over the season by ‘Bohs’ receivers has saved 3 INTs); A player from the Baltimore Bangers (Team#112, White, 6-2) was ejected (This is a playoff team that is apt to lose their cool when behind – that may be used to our advantage if we play them); Team #112 lost to Team #121 (Cop-A-Feel, Maroon, 8-0) in that game; Untouchabohs this season turned the ball over 16% of the time vs. 43% by opponents; The ‘Bohs converted 2 pt PATs at a rate of 45% vs. 43% for opponents (the numbers drop to 37% and 40% respectively when taking into account our two blowouts); The team we blew-out 38-0 was audibly angry at us at JD’s after the game and told Adrian to ‘Eff-off’; If we play them, they angered the wrong person…