(Disassociated Press) 12 September 2009 – A valiant swarm of purple defensive dominance squelched a near offensive rebellion today in Baltimore thought the cast was notyour 2009 Baltimore Ravens. Nay, it was a much more intimidating landscape as the Baltimore Untouchabohs (Team 130, Purple, 1-0) soundly molested the Finger Blasters (Team 141, Red, 0-1) 46-26 on Patterson Park Field #4.
The delivery-of-destruction on Team 141 was inspired by the foul music and misty weather hovering over the park at kickoff. Missing a few females, the ‘Bohs were buttressed by the addition of Stephanie ‘Biscotti’ Binetti which complemented the ’09 returning stars Tanisha ‘G’ Gulhar, Danielle Madison, and Lindsey Spotts. The ‘Bohs, known throughout the league as an occasionally contentious and perpetually attractive team, lead from start-to-finish in this opening day contest.
The Finger Blasters, recently upgraded to the Less-Filling Extreme Social (LFES) division from an undefeated season in the Super-Extreme Social (SExS), began the game by botching the coin toss. The ‘coin toss’ was mastered by Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert who deftly beckoned ‘odds’ with the referee hiding three exposed fingers behind his back. The decision to start with the ball in the first half was further validated when the funny-looking, yet very nice, captain of the Red team chose to go with the wind in the first half giving the Untouchabohs the perfect duo of field position and ball possession.
The ‘Bohs’ opening possession involved a rhythmic and methodical drive cadenced like a ticking metronome as the surgeon-like Hughes completed passes to several receivers whilst slicing and dicing a zone so soft it could have been cut with a flaccid banana. Several completions to Madison led the ‘Bohs to scoring range, never facing a 4th down, and culminating in a touchdown by Neel ‘Not Kenny G’ Gulhar (future pseudonym pending) that defied all Einstein knows about physics. Consistently ranked #1 on the BSSCPN Network’s nightly ‘Top 10 Plays’ list, Not Kenny G miraculously (spectacularly, amazingly) caught the ball while falling, left handed, and sideways against his nick and body.
The initial dagger driven into the soulless hearts of the Finger Blasters, who despite their team name still don’t know what warm apple pie feels like, occurred on the ensuing offensive possession when Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne picked off an errant pass. The rag-armed quarterback heaved an uncooked heavenly ham into traffic as he apparently thinks that using an NFL-sized football and losing is better than victorious dominance. To his defense, the Red QB (Ranked 44th out of 45 QBs) did choose the wind in the first half which caused several of his passes to sail. The ‘Bohs scored on their next drive, again blending the zone into a confused mish-mash of goo, to go up two scores and take early control of the game.
Defensive lapses on the next two Finger Blaster drives sandwiched a ‘Bohs’ touchdown. Each instance a shaggy-haired fe-man ran uncovered though the defensive secondary the way that Adrian weaves through traffic after 200 ounces of Starbucks® coffee (not including shots). This was quickly rectified and Lindsey ‘The Leopard’s’ Spotts prowled amongst the Blaster receivers to capture and kill the pass attempt for a glitzy interception. Somewhere in the distance ‘Glamorous’ began playing to honor the defensive stop. The Blasters did manage some near misses as their team of Mannish-Females roamed the field on offense. Butch Diesel (as labeled by S. Binetti) a spunky he-she complemented another female (seen in Deuce Bigalow as the ‘Tall Bitch’) who intermittently fills in for Shaquille O’Neal in Shaq VS. The third was generally a non-factor and nobody can really remember her in any way – which is good for the rest of us who wanted to sleep Saturday night…
The Untouchabohs’ score and 2-pt conversion placed them up by 3 scores leading into halftime. Though the Fingers blasted their way into the end zone to open the second half and managed to take advantage of a rare ‘Bohs turnover on 4th-and-goal from the 4 yard line the game was never truly in doubt. The final drive consisted of time-wasting completions, gender-play mastery, and a 6+ minute time-of-possession that ended with Chris ‘Full-or-Half’ Nelson capturing a high throw through traffic to seal the deal. The most vexing moment occurred approximately 4 minutes into the drive with the ‘Bohs on the opponent’s 25 yard line. Facing man coverage for the first time all day Not Kenny G ran uncovered into the end-zone like the ‘Secret Agent’ when he ran uncovered onto an adjacent zip code. The QB heaved an arcing spiral that gracefully turned-over and pointed straight into the wanting bosom of the receiver – only to mysteriously thud to the Earth observed keenly by both teams. Neel G’s grace in the matter should not be overlooked as the football gods struck-back for the receiver’s magical first-half touchdown. All told, the conversion after the final touchdown was never attempted due to the 18+ point differential rule causing time to run continuously if a team is up by 18+ points in the second half.
Next up for the Untouchabohs is LFES Team #89 (1-0), Andy Beal’s Vegas Gold-adorned Gender Plays are for Girls who soundly defeated their opponent in week #1. This will be a test for the ‘Bohs who will be without leading receiver Danielle ‘DM is for ‘Dis Many Touchdowns’ Madison, Biscotti, and Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari on Patterson High Field #5 at 10:00. It should be noted that this team has all morning games indicating a high degree of seriousness. The ‘Bohs will need to wear their game faces, while having a blast, on Saturday.
Potpourri: PP Field #4 was the scene of an eruption last season causing Darian to be misnamed ‘Freddie’ in an attempt to thwart name-keeping by the lame-duck referee; Adrian played the game with gum on his cleats (Watermelon?); The ‘Bohs females are so attractive that the Finger Blasters (male & female) were heard sobbing in their beer after the game; Mad Dog Lambert is under investigation for increasing his performance by NOT taking performance-altering-substances before the game; Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne was the mysterious keeper of the lost tab at JD’s after the game; The Boh's scored 7 touchdowns and 0 interceptions; A photo exists of ‘Bohs team members providing the grape ‘jelly’ to Team #103's (Chestnut) peanut butter – how naughty!
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