Wins of Many Varieties Define Sensational Season

Blizzard Reminiscent of Untouchabohs’ Blizzard-like Defense

(Disassociated Press) 19 December 2009 – The Fall 2009 season treated your glorious Untouchabohs (Team #130, Black, Seed 10, 9-2) to a season-record of wins, touchdowns, five-hour energy bottles, and JD’s-amplified camaraderie. The blizzard befalling Baltimore this past weekend reminded opponents of their battles with the Bohs and is a harbinger of things to come for opponents in the Spring-2010 season. Though a loss to a well-dressed purple team in the playoffs ended their season in an untimely manner, the integrity and intensity of the Untouchabohs will live on through the annals of BSSCistory.

The Fall-2009 season featured an amazing number of spectacular plays, many of which received Top-10 status on BSSCPN, the official network of the BSSC. As previously reported, Neel’s catch, several defensive interceptions by Chris ‘Full’ Nelson, a key playoff pick by Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari (remember the toe-tapping sideline catch against the obnoxious powder-blue team!), and that one play where Adrian ‘Iggy’ Hughes ran around in circles all earned weekly Top-10 honors and are up for the annual BSSCY (similar to an ESPY) awards to be handed out in January 2010. Every Bohs’ player scored or threw a TD or a conversion this season, also a new team record.

Torrential rains dominated the climate this fall like the Untouchabohs’ defense dominated their opponents; implementing their relatively unique man-to-man defense with a single-high safety to perfection. The Untouchabohs, ‘mudders’ in horse racing terminology, consistently wore cleats to gain traction and wear down the opponents’ defense like a river wears down mile-high mountain ranges. Though the field conditions were the same for both teams, the Untouchabohs managed the game more appropriately and properly prepared for the conditions. Utilizing a derivative of a ‘hording’ gene, Hughes typically deploys a minimum of four footballs per game – and when a towel is used in conjunction with several balls – the Bohs need only play with clean balls.

In the franchise’s initial playoff appearance, your vainglorious Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, showed up to play. With an almost full complement of players the Bohs were able to implement their man-to-man defense with reckless abandon and forced three turnovers against a relatively toothless green team who never seemed to get on track on offense. Despite playing in a quagmire that would make the everglades proud, the Untouchabohs’ offense methodically marched down Patterson High Field 4 while taking excellent care of the ball and respecting the conditions that nature provided.

Such preparation and acclimation to the ambient conditions culminated in a team-driven, emphatic, and emotional victory over Hungover by Halftime (Team #115, Irish Green, Seed 23, 6-2 (now 6-3)), whose performance was flat like watered-down coke in a condensate-laden glass on a warm day. Facing a much tougher opponent whose game was much sharper, the 10-seed Untouchabohs faced Our Chicks Score with Your Mom (Team 124, Daisy, Seed 7, 8-1 (now 8-2)) on Patterson High Field #5 – familiar stomping grounds for your magnificent team.

Untouchabohs’ quarterbacks prior to the second playoff game had thrown 47 touchdowns and only one interception – the last interception coming in Week 2 of the season (9/19/2009). This streak of pick-free games came to an end with nifty defensive coverage that baited the QB into an interception – one that will never happen again. Undaunted, the Untouchabohs’ defense rose to the occasion, like magma angrily rising through a volcano, and turned the momentum in favor of the Bohs. Conversions still haunt the Bohs’ offense so a great deal of effort and progress will need to be made this offseason to rectify the shortcomings. The final coup de grace was a desperation heave by the mentally unraveling QB on a gender play intercepted by the female Asghari. Win #2 of the day and the Bohs were off with their ninth win of the season against only one loss.

After a lengthy break of several hours, the Untouchabohs, newly assuming the 7th Seed, returned in the Round of 8 to face Jerry Knauer’s Fear the Purple (Team #127, Purple, Seed 2, 6-2 (8-2)). In a game that was fought to the bitter end, the Untouchabohs finally ran out of steam despite a rejuvenating kick provided by a new team sponsor, 5-Hour Energy®.

This game was the toughest game of the season for your protagonist Bohs as the opponent featured an ultra-fast female with hands and a giraffe-esque male. The game culminated with an intense series of events that had the evil purple team ahead by 2 over the glorious purple… the Untouchabohs, just turning the ball over with 2 incompletions on the previous possession left FTP with the ball just inside the Untouchabohs’ half of the field. Stepping up, the stout man/woman-man/woman defense that the Untouchabohs purvey perplexed FTP (heretofore referred to as the team-of-destiny) and forced another turnover with just under two minutes to play.

The Bohs’ fortunes ran out of steam, however, and calamity struck. On a 3rd-down pass, after two successive drops would have given the Untouchabohs a first-down inside enemy territory, a sack of the quarterback via two-hands on the QB’s arm, was overturned and the fluttering ball fell into the hands of the ultra-fast female (who may have sported a ‘dangler’ if you know what I mean…). Due to the lack of instant replay on a field with deteriorating light conditions, the call was not overturned, and the Untouchabohs’ season came to an unsettling close.

As more of a prologue, it should be noted that the team-of-destiny won 5 consecutive playoff games and won the Less-Filling Division of the Extreme-Social Conference. If the Untouchabohs are going to lose a game, let it be to the eventual champion. This is also a testament to how talented we truly are when we play as a team. This season was magnificently successful and boasted a great deal of wins on the field as well as off the field.

Congratulations to the newly married (Will and Katrina), newly engaged (Keith and Lauren), the promoted (Bruce, Chris), those moving (Lindsey), and to everyone who found time to show up and hopefully have a great time. Special thanks go to the ‘Mad Dog’ Tim Lambert who consistently ensures that we are all aware of the games and their locations while typically fronting a decent amount of cash for those of us who pay a little bit after the deadline. In addition, he has scissors that possess the ability to cut through t-shirt fabric and keep Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin sleeveless (which all of the ladies love!).

Thanks so much to the new additions who definitely all impacted games this season: Stephanie ‘Biscotti’ Binetti (4 catches on PP Field 4), Kendall ‘Touchdown’ Crawford (great catch in that last game!), The Iron Maiden Hayden (get yo’ neck fixed), and Alexis ‘Lexi’ Kousouris (great TD on 4th down this year). Without you we would not have enjoyed the degree of success that we earned. Additionally, we all miss our newly promoted and recently departed Chris ‘Full’ Nelson. Congrats to you and your (expanding) family down in Tampa – we’ll all see you in January when we have a reunion that happens to coincide with winter in Baltimore!

Potpourri: Several Untouchabohs were able to fill-in with players on Our Chicks Score With Your Mom and Hebrew Nationals in the Santa Claus Anonymous games (12/12/09); During the second game, Hughes faced a nemesis which extracted 5 INTs from him in his second game quarterbacking ever (LK2, Spring 2008, They were yellow and they are still very arrogant); Bohs’ QBs finished the season with 56 TDs and 3 INTs; Defensively, the Bohs’ allowed an average of 26 ppg and forced a turnover on almost 40% of drives (this includes keeping a team from scoring at the end of a half); Offensively, the Bohs’ scored on 87.7% of drives (averaging 35 ppg); We will beat Fear the Purple next year; The first ‘post’ of this blog took place in March 2009 and is available on the website; I appreciate the time that I get to spend with all of you and I look forward to getting together in Jan or Feb to reunite the team; we need to come up with a name for our defensive and offensive schemes…