Clash of Purple Bodes Well For 'Bohs

Board-Tested Defender Turns Tsunami-Like Tide of Game

16 October 2010 (Aqua Iggy News) - After feasting on world-class quiche, meeting and greeting the Untouchababy, and arriving to the field on time for the first time all season, the Untouchabohs (Team 31, Purple, 4-2) started slowly before mercilessly turning the Plastered Platypuses (Team #55, Purple, 1-5) into a Barney-colored pudding during the Baltimore Marathon at Patterson Park Field #6.

The Untouchabohs had to face the demons remaining on a field with one of the worst losses in team history, to a lime-colored bunch of freaks in Week 3.  Facing a purple team for the second time in as many weeks, but NOT needing to wear the horrible pinnies, the 'Bohs needed the warlock to get the game started quickly to keep the Purple-on-Purple momentum from the previous week's win.  Facing a strong, quartering, wind blowing to the southwest would benefit the cerebral 'Bohs.

Managing the mystical powers of the 'coin toss,' (actually a game of odds-or-evens with the referee holding one hand behind his back), Tim "Warlock" Lambert secured both the ball AND the preferred direction again - proving that dark magic is nothing to joke about.  Unfortunately, the opening drive stalled with an incomplete pass on 4th-and-goal, putting the 'Bohs' defenders on the field for the first time all game.

Defense wins championships, and with the balance of the game in the powerful hands of the person-on-person Untouchabohs' defense, and the Plastered Platypuses had no idea that they had Hell to pay!  Facing a forced-gender and-goal situation, Danielle "I took my boards yesterday, darnit" Madison unleashed hell on the unsuspecting PP receiver, ripping the ball from deep within her soul, and taking the ball well beyond the midline.  The chorus of cheers serenaded both the amazing defensive play of Madison and the passers-by running the Linwood Leg of the Baltimore Marathon.

The ODB offense capitalizes on such typically unprecedented female defensive dominance.  This season the killer instinct of the post-turnover ODB offense turns opponents into post-dominatrix berated submissives, and the PP were just the next in line.  The 'Bohs drove down the field with the focus of an angry mongoose killing a rattlesnake and gutted the Platypus defense with a score to Wes Gilbert and the newly rejuvenated conversion play to take the 8-0 lead.

With the first massive showing of the season, the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, had plenty of depth to counter the pinnie-clad Platypuses.  Despite giving up the touchdown on the ensuing drive, tight defense prevented the PP conversion attempt to maintain the ever-important two-point lead and keep the score at 8-6.

In true Tim 'Mad Dog' Lambert fashion, the ODB milked the clock like a prized cow - sort of.  Driving down the field, and appropriately mixing high-percentage passes with timely running plays, the Untouchabohs faced their first forced-gender on the PP side of the field.  Making a quick move from right-to-left, Danielle 'Fury' Madison took the Hughes pass - which was thrown to a spot to allow the receiver to make a play - all the way to the western end zone to extend the lead to 14-6.  With the second successful conversion of the day the protagonist's lead grew to 16-6. 

Unable to comprehend the sophisticated nuances of Mike Cray's insidious football-like game, the PPs faced a 4th-and-mid with time evaporating at the end of the first half.  The deep heave-ho down the middle of the field fell incomplete - and a charity 30 second runoff by the referee - ended the half.

The referee is an interesting bird.  The same referee that witnessed the 39-6 drubbing of the black team in Week 4 - and who stole an interception from the hands of Darian 'Subversion' Asghari on a reversal of his OWN rule - was witnessing an absolute massacre-in-progress of an overmatched pinnie team. Despite such shortcomings, he seems to be a jovial gentleman, and does a generally unremarkable job of refereeing Taste-Great-League (TGL) games.

The massacre-in-motion had yet to take shape due to the pair of turnovers in the first half leaving the PPs with a chance to bring the game within two points.  After a halftime discussion about how the ball would hold-up in the wind to the offensive right side of the field, the strategy immediately came to fruition.  Too bad for them that the PP's ineptitude started with a ball dropped by the 'Bohs' safety (hung in the wind) on the first play and culminated with a turnover after trapping themselves in a 4th-and-two (that becomes a 4th-and-mid) situation.  Batting the pass down, the turnover was complete, and the killer instinct of the 'Bohs was going to be on full display. 

Driving toward the eastern end zone of Patterson Park Field #6, and preparing to put their foot on the opponent's throat, completions were aplenty.  Sensing the final blow - reminiscent of the 'Finish Him' chants of Mortal Kombat lore - Kendall 'My Ball' Crawford quietly hauled in a laser of a pass for the touchdown.  The THIRD conversion in a row extended the lead to 24-6 and there was blood in the water for the circling Untouchabohs' defensive sharks.

People are sometimes privy to seeing amazing things, and the 'Bohs have a shut down corner in Will 'The Engineer' Gray.  This drive was one of hope for the PPs, but it was about to end in disaster - due to the QB failing to note the direction of the wind and the routes that his receiver decided to run - and the amazing athleticism of the Engineer...  The QB had a receiver running from left to right with the Engineer trailing behind.  Late on the read, the QB passed the ball to the receiver - into a quartering wind that deflected the ball behind BOTH the receiver AND the Engineer.  Gray, while running at full speed and the ball tailing behind him, arched his back in a display of athleticism that caused ballerinas to weep tears of appreciation, and tipped the ball with his outstretched right hand.  His feet, almost separate from his body, finally got themselves in position, and moved his body toward the floating ball.  Centered now, like mass likes to be on orbiting bodies, Gray caught the ball with two hands for the magnificent interception, and another dagger into the heart of the Purple Platypuses.

The ensuing 'Boh's drive brought a newbie, excuse me, a newBoh, into the scoring mix with the culmination of the drive resulting in a touchdown to Ken 'Post Up' Grote in the left corner of the end zone.  This was a game of new scores, as Ken, Aaron, and Adrian all caught touchdowns for the first time this season.  Great team effort!

With the game in hand, Wes 'Not Kenny' G. took over the reigns of the QB position and led the team on two scoring drives that sandwiched a Darian Asghari pick and the ejection of the fuzzy-haired and overmatched QB of the PPs.  The first touchdown drive had the Warlock catching a deep ball for the first time all season and ended with a Gilbert-Asghari TD pass in the center of the end zone.  The gender-conversion had the female Asghari pass to Hughes on the left side that Hughes, known throughout the league as having a massive ribcage, tipped the ball to himself while ricocheting the defender off of the ribcage, for the two-point play.  The second drive, following the ejection and against a 7-man defense - had the QB pass the ball to an uncovered former-QB in the right side of the end zone.  A successful one-point conversion ended the game with the final score of 47-6. 

Next up for the Untouchabohs is Fantasy Football (Team 19, Red, 6-0) at Patterson High School Field #4 on Saturday 23 October 2010.  With almost the entire team unable to make this game, the remaining 'Bohs will do their best to keep the winning streak, and playoff hopes, alive for another season.