Team STM SToMped by Insanely Aggressive Orange Crush Version of Untouchabohs

Suffocating Defense Defeats Shorthanded and Self-Destructing Team

(Disassociated Press) 21 March 2010 – A Baltimore City high school was the scene of a 40-12 trouncing of a shorthanded Team STM (Team #142, Black, 2-6 in 2009) on the day immediately following the 2010 Vernal Equinox. The Spring 2010 version of the Untouchabohs fielded a team that was so dominant that the referee gave the opponents a touchdown on a ball picked up off of the ground and called the game with almost 8 minutes remaining.


Coach Tim ‘Mad Dog’ Lambert, entering his fourth season as coach of the Baltimore Untouchabohs (Team #124, Orange, 1-0) manipulated the forces that control the universe to assert dominance of the ‘coin toss’ (a tricky game involving odd or even numbers of fingers) to obtain both possession and the direction desired by the team. Oh how does he control ethereal forces that determine such trifling details?


Patterson High School Field #5 has been a home field of sorts for the ‘Bohs. Playing several key games over the years, including their second career playoff victory over Week 4/18 opponent Our Chicks Score, it has yielded victories, losses, and magical memories. All present in the spring of 2009 will forever remember the ‘I’m Open’ play with Johnny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne screaming, “I’m Open!” from 20 yards outside of the southeastern end zone. Alas, vindication was Mr. Layne’s as the Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, methodically drove down the field and executed the first touchdown reception of the year. A forced-gender conversion to Lexi K. placed the ‘Bohs ahead by a magical 8-0 score.
The initial possession by the shorthanded Team STM was nothing more than a BSSC disaster. Defense wins championships, and the Untouchabohs know a thing or two about the dominance that a man-to-man defense facilitates. Following in the footsteps of the 1970s Broncos’ ‘Orange Crush’ defense, the Untouchabohs’ Will ‘The Engineer’ Gray engineered a pick on 4th-and-mid to turn the lame duck quarterback over for the first time.


Starting just inside of the midline, the methodical ODB offense of the Untouchabohs (that’s Offense Is Defense, Bitch) milked another 4 minutes off of the clock. The second offensive drive of the game culminated with a beautiful combination route between Keith ‘Don’t Call Me Klevin’ Levin (the decoy who drew all of the coverage) and Angelo ‘Offensive BSSC Rookie of the Year’ Rivera who ran a beautiful corner route (an ‘8’ with our new route tree) for the easy touchdown. Another quick conversion to Lexi K. cemented the score at a comfortable 16-0.


Catastrophic consequences are dealt to those whose pores yield consumable quantities of Goldschlager. Obviously intoxicated, the red-headed step-child of a quarterback decided to force their team into another 4th-and-1 situation – one of the known Cardinal Sins of BSSC Two-Hand Third-Tier Coed Football. Instead of gaining a quick completion by running dual drag routes against a man-to-man defense the beleaguered bastard threw a 30 yard pass to a receiver who most aptly resembled Shaggy from Scooby-Do lore. Unfortunately for him, the key play of the possession of the drive was made by Kendall ‘The Human Turnover’ Crawford who deftly removed the tipped ball from the scapula of Shaggy the Receiver. Forcefully ripping the ball from Shaggy before falling to the ground cemented the fate of ‘Red’ and the ‘Bohs offense took the field one more time.


Three possessions in a half is a wondrous, and rare, scenario in BSSCistory. For the ‘Bohs, this drive was of paramount importance since a lead of 4 points is typically enough to drive home the victory. Showing a magnificent display of timesharing, Untouchabohs’ receivers willfully exchanged themselves and almost every Untouchabohs’ rookie touched the ball at some point during the game. Kudos to a team filled with wondrous individuals and an even better collective.


The third drive of the game, slow in pace, methodical in approach, and successful in execution gave the ‘Bohs their third touchdown of the half. Immediately prior to the tuddy, the rust of the offseason was apparent as Levin broke from right to left across the back of the endzone and tipped an errant Hughes pass. The timing will improve and that play will be successful in the future. The subsequent play, a second receiving TD of the game to Angelo ‘Rookie’ Rivera, displayed a deft sense of how to break a route off when crossing the goal line. A quick release followed by two hands fondling a Wilson put the ‘Bohs ahead by 22. Of special note, the conversion exhibited the timing that was previously lacking between last season’s leading receiver (Levin) and Hughes, who tossed the ball with a great deal of velocity while Levin was still turning around. The defense was helpless to stop the offensive juggernaut (who had 2 extra people, granted) who gained a 24-0 lead with time remaining in the first half.


Fireworks were about to fly, and it wasn’t because the new orange jerseys of the Untouchabohs somewhat resemble an angry rash. Team STM, immediately after crossing the midline for the first time in the game, crumbled like a Chinese building with hollow footers. On a forced gender (FG henceforth), the quarterback intentionally grounded the ball at the feet of Danielle ‘Doctor’ Madison. But wait! There’s More! The referee, a kind and somewhat confused soul, in an attempt to soften the beating the Orange Crush was administering with unyielding malice, declared that the pass was simply incomplete. Hughes, an ardent antagonist on the sideline, questioned the quarterback surreptitiously about his questionable incompletion. Audibly, Red the Quarterback stated that ‘I threw it at her feet.’ The referee gave the intoxicated ball thrower another opportunity to retract his statement but ‘Red’ didn’t get the hint. A comical series of events culminated in ‘Red’ repeating his previous statement upon which referee ‘Jovial Joe’ regretfully tossed the yellow hankie for an intentional grounding penalty.


Coach of Team STM, Ellen Piwko, began to lose all of the remaining portions of her mind that existed at the start of the game. With one of her 6 male players already on the sideline with a broken toe, she benched Red the Quarterback and sent him home (with the ball nonetheless). With halftime now at hand, the insane coach approached Hughes with a desperate plea – please call off the dogs!


Lessons were previously learned during a 7 November 2009 shellacking of Go Deep in which the Untouchabohs put a 50-spot during another 7-on-8 situation. During that time the ‘Bohs quarterback determined that the dogs must be called off at halftime if the game was effectively out of reach of the opponent (See Blog entry for that game – the note at the end). Unilaterally, a decision was made to move to a zone in the second half and exhibit the sportsmanship that is more prevalent with the Untouchabohs than it is with any other team in the league. Note: In the future, we will vote on such moves as a team as it affects all of us.


Borrowing, and playing with, one of Adrian’s many balls, Team STM started the second half and, with the help of several questionable calls by the official, scored their first TD of the game. A failed PAT later; the score had closed to 24-6.


The second half of the game, a snoozer by all witness accounts, was uneventful at best. Bystanders were seen falling asleep at the Beer, crying due to ennui (aka ‘bored to tears), or inspecting Jonny Layne’s insanely mangled finger (Sorry!). With two more touchdowns, 5 on the day, and another forced turnover on defense, the ‘Bohs extended their lead to 40-6. With the final questionable call of the game giving Team STM a touchdown on a ball that was SITTING on the ground, followed by a failed conversion, Darian ‘The Persian Subversion’ convinced the referee to call the game with over 8 minutes remaining.


Next up for the Untouchabohs is the naughtily-named, and Daisy-Yellow adorned, Tummy Stick Enthusiasts (Team #109, Daisy, 7-1 in Fall 2009) who host the Untouchabohs on Sunday, 28 March 2010 at 2:00 pm at Holabird Field #2. Another strong showing will be required to defeat a team who made the Fall 2009 playoffs.


Potpourri: Where the hell is Holabird? Tim Lambert is now 1-0 in finger guessing; the ‘Bohs were 5/5 in conversions after averaging a 42% conversion rate last season; the Orange Crush defense forced 4 turnovers including a possession that ended due to the end of the first half; PHS Field 5 was in stable condition after historically resembling a medieval quagmire; the nameless referee let us know that he sucked prior to kickoff by explaining he refs 7 leagues and gets the rules confused; the referee of the game prior to ours was defeated in Week 7 last year by 2 points and holds a fierce grudge; we seriously need to vote on a team logo.