Aqua Iggy News (20 March 2011) – New grass was scant as the vainglorious Untouchabohs (Team #147, Red, 0-0-1) rallied with a magical, strategic, and clutch comeback to tie the ugly-clad Hook and Lager (Team #180, Chestnut, 0-0-1) at 24 this past Sunday at Patterson Park Field #1.
Delayed by an entire week due to the monsoonal rains that turned the field into a quagmire’s quagmire on the fields so perfectly manicured by Mike Cray, Supreme Overlord of the BSSC, each team was chomping at the bit to get the season started. The previous night’s super-moon obviously threw Tim ‘Warlock’ Lambert’s mojo for a loop as the ‘Bohs failed to get the ball to start or the desired direction of play. Such cosmic turnings can affect the Warlock’s magical powers as gameday also marked the Vernal Equinox. The ‘Bohs, a veteran team restocked with a touch of youth for this season’s playoff run, care not of the conditions as the focus turned to dominating a team that looked like a naughty stain on the bottom of one’s shoe.
Hook and Lager, clever but not impressive by name, started with the ball heading south-to-north on Field 1. The game’s first plays yielded a clue as to the future of this game as the mud-colored miscreants failed to complete a pass on their first two plays. Facing third-and-two, forced gender, their entire offense took shape as they completed a pass to the one good player on the team – a speedy little brunette female who seemed unable to be covered. Facing a 4th-down, the light-footed and well coiffed quarterback of Hook and Lager failed to complete a pass against the suffocating defense of the ‘Bohs, which closed down on the receivers like a vice on a balloon. Turnover, ‘Bohs’ ball… time to rock and roll.
If any rust was going to be present during the game, it was not evident on the first drive. Milking the clock like a farmer milks a prized cow, the OD,B offense (Offense is Defense, Bitch, premised on giving the man-to-man defense time to rest) worked through several completions to reset the downs and prepare to break the plane of the end zone. With receivers running wide open through a hybrid man-zone, really just a defense that nobody seems to know how to operate, the ‘Bohs’ QB found the open receiver to open the scoring 6-0. The ensuring conversion, running the play that has now worked time-and-again over the last season or so, was complete to Kendall ‘I intimidate you even when I play with my adorable kids’ Crawford to gain an 8-0 advantage.
The importance of this conversion cannot be overstated. The Untouchabohs, known throughout the league as an attractive team, routinely averaged conversions approximately 16-20% (1/6 or 1/5) over the past several years until a set play was generated. Last season’s conversion percentage jumped into the middle 60’s as far as percentage, which is closer to 2 conversions every three attempts. And it was only going to get better today.
The ‘Bohs were back on defense and were about to be reminded of the little brunette girl who caught the only brown-clad completion of the game. Facing a third-and-mid, forced gender, the chestnut QB heaved a duck into the air that was barely grabbed by the nameless brunette for a first down deep into ‘Bohs’ territory. The downs were reset, but so did the defense. Covering receivers like body paint cover Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, openings were hard to find. So tight, that a near interception by new Untouchabohs Leah ‘Makers’ Jones proved that the ‘Bohs like to get their hands on the opponents’ balls. Despite the glorious effort by the ‘Bohs defenders, Hook and Lager broke the plane of the end zone to take the score to 8-6 in favor of the ‘Bohs. The defense held fast and prevented to the conversion to maintain the two-point differential.
The power of the super moon started to take hold of the Untouchabohs’ OD,B offense from this point forward in a game that would have more rust than sparkle. Running the offense effectively against the newly-switched man-to-man defense of H&L, the running game opened itself to the ‘Bohs truffle-shuffling QB. With the man defenders following the ‘Bohs receivers into deeper patterns, the field opened up like a child opens a Happy Meal and allowed the ‘Bohs’ QB to scramble for a large number of yards. Using this ploy on the next play, the ‘Bohs’ QB feigned the run to the right which pulled the safety from the deep center of the field and freed Jonny ‘Secret Agent’ Layne to streak from left to right within the end zone. With the wind at his back, the ball sailed on the QB who obviously put too much air beneath the throw, allowing the defender to close and bat away the near-touchdown. Calamity struck on the next play as an errant pass over the middle was batted into the air by several sets of hands and landed in the arms of the ugly and luckily-coordinated H&L defender. Turnover, H&L ball.
Hook and Lager is a one-trick pony in that only one player on the team was able to make plays and keep them in the game. Several times the well-coiffed-QB of H&L threw to receivers other than the LBH (Little Brown Hair) and the success rate was minimal. H&L, though, knowing their offense was limited, rode this one-trick pony all of the way into the end zone on the ensuing drive to gain the scoring advantage of 12-8. The mettle-filled ‘Bohs fought hard again to stop the conversion attempt and give the OD,B offense the ball with 1:43 and running.
No stranger to running the end-of-the-first-half offense, where nothing can stop the clock except for timeouts, the ‘Bohs moved with a remarkably appropriate sense of urgency. The offense completed two passes after a deep incompletion on first down before aptly calling a timeout within striking distance of the end zone. Throwing with the wind, and having deep threats all over the field, the OD,B offense moved from methodical and soul-crushing, like watching a bad movie, to quick-striking like a cobra. Hughes, remembering how the ball sailed on the earlier near-touchdown to Layne, threw the ball hard and low, and away from the defender. Unfortunately, with time ticking, the ball was a little too low and harmlessly fell to the ground after temporarily colliding with the ‘Bohs’ receiver. Halftime, 12-8, H&L.
Halftime brings a period of peace, introspection, and relief…. for some. For your mighty Untouchabohs, though, it brings a period of fierce resolve that builds like the internal pressures that escalate prior to a volcanic eruption. Harnessing this passion can occasionally be difficult but the ‘Bohs know difficult, and treat such situations with disrespectful disdain.
Starting the second half with the ball, all players from the hearty ‘Bohs’ squad were focused on eliminating the drops that plagued the first half. Driving down the field with a calm purpose, milking the clock, and executing the offense to perfection – including second-down shuffles to Danielle ‘MD’ Madison - the ‘Bohs withstood a few more dropped passes and errant throws by the QB to score their second touchdown of the game and take the lead from the mud-colored antagonists, 14-12. A successful conversion pushed the Untouchabohs’ lead to 4, 16-12.
Defense wins championships, especially in a league where one is expected to score a touchdown, at least, every drive. And the ‘Bohs do a good job of making other’s work for their scores – of any kind. Despite the intensity on defense, the LBH tormented the ‘Bohs all game. Driving down the field and only, truly, moving the ball on forced gender plays, H&L eventually scored to regain the lead, this time by only two points, on another touchdown to their only weapon, 18-16. With the defense standing their ground, unyielding and frenetic like frenzied wasps defending their hive, the ‘Bohs swarmed to prevent the conversion to maintain a two-point differential and return the ball to the offense.
The OD,B can occasionally be a double-edged sword. Milking the clock in a way that resembles waves peacefully lapping that the shores of the Chesapeake Bay allows the defense to rest but removes precious time from the clock in the event of a ‘Bohs’ deficit. The offense must go on, much like a show, and the ‘Bohs move the ball with such confidence in their scoring that urgency was not a top priority. The ‘Bohs continued to methodically move the ball in a way that inspires thoughts of prototectonic plates meandering about the Earth’s mantle and used a perfect amount of clock. Converting first down after first down, the ‘Bohs completed passes to receivers on every side of the field, of every gender, and even mixed in a successful run. Unfortunately, the drops attacked like a snake in the brush and bit several of the Untouchabohs’ receivers. On fourth down and goal, calamity struck again, and a turnover occurred as the OD,B pass hit the ground.
The defense would be called upon to handle the situation yet again.
With the clock hitting the two-minute warning, some divine intervention, and a LOT of hustle was about to change the game. The Untouchabohs’ offensive coordinator and tight end/center, Aaron ‘The Franchise’ Warren, realized that the best chance for a non-loss would be to allow a score and stop the conversion. Before this could be communicated, the opponent, after two consecutive incompletions, called upon the powers of Evil, and went to LBH yet again. On a short pass to LBH, the ‘Bohs’ defender fell on the grassless land of Mike Cray and the chestnut-clad slut was off down the right sideline like a runaway truck on the shoulder of a mountain road. Darian ‘The guy in the red shorts is good’ Asghari broke from the line wearing sheer determination on his face and hunted the LBH down like a hungry Honey Badger. As he approached the LBH he delicately, like a hummingbird retrieving nectar from a flower, touched LBH with two of the softest hands ever to play sports. Unfortunately for LBH, she attacked the grassless hardpan with the abandon of an uncoordinated zebra dressed as mud and bounced repeatedly on the ground – forcing a clock stoppage for injury. This proved crucial to the ‘Bohs chances of winning as the defense was able to strategize using strategery to determine that allowing the next play to be a scoring play would give the ‘Bohs a chance to win. The ‘Bohs allowed a husky boy to run along the right offensive sideline and score a TD… and now the ‘Bohs’ defense had to muster another stop.
With the clock about to strike midnight, in reality it was the light-blue-clad-bright-green-eyed line judge counting to five, the safety crossed the line and forced an errant pass to some lame receiver who was so embarrassed to be alive, he fell to the ground while the pass was in the air. The lead had been extended on the touchdown to 24-16, but the ‘Bohs could now tie on a TD and 2-pt conversion. With the clock stopped at with approximately 84 seconds remaining, the calm, cool, and collected ‘Silver’ group of the offense moved onto the field after accepting a date with destiny.
Throwing deep on the initial play of the final drive served two-purposes – a near score, and loosening up the defense’s soft underbelly. The next pass was completed underneath to the Secret Agent, whose deft maneuvers leave him uncovered in the center of the field. After stopping the clock with their final timeout, Hughes delivered a touch pass toward the sideline to allow the female Asghari to capture the ball in-stride, gain yards, and stop the clock. As time started to run thin, another pass into the end zone failed to result in a score and brought up second-and-two, but effectively second and goal as time was running out. On second down, a majority of the receivers of the Untouchabohs moved toward the left side of the field allowing Hughes to freeze the eyeballing safety and prevent him from committing. With the defense having shifted to a zone, and with the zone moving toward the majority of ‘Bohs defenders, the right corner of the end zone opened like a clam revealing a pearl of hope. With a zone defender baiting the quarterback in the right flat, Hughes, who had been throwing the ball too hard all day, pumped to the left, froze the defense, and lofted a firm, yet supple, pass toward the yellow cone marking the front of the end zone. Lauren ‘Fe-QBDBMVP’ Asghari tiptoeing along the sideline, caught the ball on a scoring play so beautiful that Himalyan Monks shed tears of joy. One more play was needed before the finish was complete.
Needing a 2-pt conversion to tie, the ‘Bohs continued with their conversion team and ran their play. The play that has worked for over a season. The go-to play. This time, though, with the safety thinking he knew what was going to be run… to KC on the left, Hughes pump-faked to the left and, just as the fake was completed, Keith ‘I give Wes a lot of crap’ Levin shook off an illegal hold to create separation from his defender, and haul in the game-tying completion as time expired. Euphoria overtook the ‘Bohs who snatched an important tie from the jaws of defeat with less than 90 seconds on the clock.
Next up for your Untouchabohs are Dave Lucadamo’s The Kings and Queens (Team #153, Black, 1-0-0) at Patterson High School Field #6 at 4:00 pm. With a fully-staffed team fresh off of an amazing comeback, the ‘Bohs are sure to play inspired BSSC-Coed-Beer-League-Two-Hand-Touch football.
Potpourri:
- The Warlock is 0-1 this season on coin tosses;
- The 'Bohs allowed four touchdowns and scored three, but tied on conversions;
- I can't remember who scored, except for Lauren's TD and Keith's/Kendall's conversions;
- 'Bohs' QBs have thrown three touchdowns and one interception;
- Mike 'Hey new guy, get off of the field' Ventura had a nice diving catch to open his career;
- Passing and catching was difficult with the cold weather settling on the Baltmore area.
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